-
by colormetheworld
Summary: many have asked that I upload this here from tumblr. it does not have a name. it is very, very close to my heart. Please treat it kindly.
1. Chapter 1

It's past midnight, closer to one, when Maura hears the car in her drive. She stands slowly, taking a deep breath, reminding herself how stressed and frantic Barry had sounded on the phone, reminding herself that she has tons of room…reminding herself that she is doing a good thing.

But even braced for it, she is not ready for the sight that greets her when she opens the door. There's Barry Frost, the detective she works so closely with at the precinct, and standing next to him…

"This is Jane," Frost says, gesturing unnecessarily. "Jane, this is Dr. Maura Isles."

She is tall, long and lithe, with dark hair and deep, dark brown eyes. She has a sharp angular jaw, that Maura realizes is currently clenched against…pain.

_She's in pain, _Maura realizes, and it quickly becomes apparent why. Although Frost is loaded down with several duffel bags, Jane is also carrying what looks like a bundle of blankets in her arms. It takes Maura a moment to realize that it is a child.

"Come in," she says quickly, stepping aside, "Come in, you all must be exhausted from the trip." As the party moves past her into the hall, two sleepy green eyes peer curiously at her from the folds of the fabric on Jane's shoulder. Maura feels her heart speed up a little.

"Ma," quiet and tremulous, it still makes Maura start. She looks down to see a little girl holding tight to the belt loop of Jane's jeans.

Two children. She had been told there would be two. Of course, Frost told her, but being told is very different than seeing, than actually having them in her house, under her roof. And watching these three move into her kitchen, practically dragging themselves, Maura feels out of her depth for the first time in her life.

"Ma?" The little girl calls again, and Jane reaches one hand down to pull the child closer to her hip. "Hush," she says quickly.

Maura works hard to swallow a gasp. The entirety of Jane's hand, up into the wrist and where is disappears under her sleeve, is black and blue.

The other hand, supporting the younger girl in her arms, is just as bruised.

"Thank you," Jane's voice is deep and hoarse, and Maura looks up into her face, and realizes she's been caught staring.

She feels herself flushing. "It's not a problem at all. Not at all…Would you like to see your rooms? I'm sure you're immensely drained."

Jane glances at Frost, who nods once. Jane nods too, and gently, looking like it takes every muscle in her body, she bends to set the little bundle of blankets down on the floor."

"Nuumph," the bundle protests, but Jane is already straightening up, reaching for her duffle. Without a child on her hip, Maura can see Jane in full, and she takes in the broad muscled shoulders, and the narrow hips and long legs before looking away.

"I'll show you to your-" Maura begins, but Jane speaks over her, quick and brusque

"We can manage," she says lowly. And to the taller child, "your sister."

The little girl wraps an arm around he blanket heap that is her sister, eyes closed, asleep standing up.

"Jane let me," Frost begins, watching Jane heft a duffel bag to her shoulder with a grimace. But it quickly turns into a glare.

"I said I got it," she snaps, though she instantly looks regretful. "Go home, Frost. Get some sleep."

She turns to Maura, and her eyes sweep the doctor once, like an opening act.

Maura opens her mouth, finding she has to clear her throat. "It's…excuse me, it's the second and third door on the left, down that hall," she gestures. "The bathroom is the first on the right."

A nod, and Jane turns away. "smalls," she says, and the two children follow after her, trudging like they've been walking for a hundred years.

They watch the little family disappear down the hall, at the first door, Maura watches Jane toss the duffel inside and then turn to lift the smaller child with a faint grunt. She straightens and their eyes meet for the space of a second. And then they turn, and disappear.

Maura turns back to Frost. She feels exhausted and they haven't been here ten minutes. She looks at her watch; it reads 12:57am.

**"**I'm sorry we're so late," Frost's voice in the silence makes her jump. What is it about the night that seems to amplify sound, she wonders. "There was a bit of trouble getting out of NYC…Layover was a huge hassle. We should have driven."

Maura gestures that he should sit down, he looks like she feels: wrung out and exhausted. "It's fine, it's fine," She says quickly, holding up a coffee mug. Frost nods appreciatively. "The little one looks about dead on her feet."

Barry nods, looking gloomy "Zoë. Yeah, she's only three."

_Zoë. _Maura files the name away for later. The papers had mentioned the children, of course, but it hadn't named them, or given their ages. One of the perks of having some pull with the media, she supposed. "That's a long trip for a little girl."

"Long trip for anyone, really. Getting them out of Illinois was a nightmare. Reporters, supporters, opposition…lots of stops."

They are silent, watching the coffee drip steadily into the pot, and Maura frowns a little, realizing that she did not offer the woman anything to eat or drink. _How unwelcoming. _

But Frost takes her expression as discomfort. He speaks down at the table, apologetic. "I'm sorry, Doctor. If they had anywhere else to go-"

She cuts him off at once with a wave of her hand. "No, Detective Frost, it's fine. Of course it's fine." She wonders if it will be true if she says it enough.

Frost is shaking his head. "As soon as I find somewhere else-" he begins, but Maura curtails him once more.

**"**Barry…take as long as you need. I have plenty of room. And they look like they need a couple days to…decompress."

**"**Jane and I came up through the academy together," he says this like he hasn't heard her. "Her kids are my godkids, and I-" He holds his hands out, looking a little bit lost.

Maura wants to take one of his hands, but she resists, wondering if they are at that level yet. "I understand," she says firmly, and he looks at her hopefully. She smiles, "of course I understand."

**"**She's the best Detective Chicago ever saw," he says this like she's argued, like she's going to change her mind. "And when she gets back on her feet, Boston will be lucky to have her."

_When she gets back on her feet. _Maura tries not to think of the injuries that Jane has sustained, or the psychological trauma that must have gone along with them…not to mention the loss…

To the detective she says, "Yes, I've read up on her…She's quite extraordinary."  
Frost smiles, permission to speak more, to give her a little bit more information. "She's like a sister. They were both like sisters…If there was room with me…if she could handle stairs."

Maura shakes her head again, growing aggravated. "Barold! I have told you repeatedly that-" But a deep, rough voice makes Maura stop dead.

**"**Barold…it's been a while since anyone's called you that, Frost."

Both Maura and Frost turn towards the voice. Jane is standing in the doorway that leads into the hall, leaning against the frame. Without a toddler on her hip, she stands a little straighter, although Maura still thinks she looks pained. Her hands, with their deep purple and blue bruises are shoved into her jean pockets.

"Detective Rizzoli! I didn't hear you come in!" Maura's voice is too high and too loud, but her nerves do not let her stop to correct his. "Are you alright? Did you find the rooms satisfactory?"

The brunette doesn't answer right away. Her eyes slide carefully over the doctor in a way that makes Maura feel like she's being turned inside out and examined.

**"**Jane," the brunette says slowly.

**"**I'm sorry?"

A shrug, "Just call me Jane, alright? I'm not a detective," her face slips into hard impassivity. "Not right now."

Frost holds out a hand. "Aw, Jay, c'mon…" She turns her steely eyes on him and he falters a bit. "Y-you'll get back…you've just gotta-"

But she shakes her head and he falls silent. Maura thinks she could command an entire precinct with just a shake of her head and a look. She suppresses a shiver as deep brown eyes find hers again.

**"**Maya's thirsty." _Maya, _Maura tells herself, the oldest then…six or seven by the looks of it. "I was just wondering if I could grab a cup…"

Maura snaps back to the conversation. "Of course, Detec-" She catches herself as those penetrating eyes flash. "Jane….here, I got some special at the store today. The sales woman said that the most popular for girls is something called The Wonder Pets, so I got a couple." She pulls out a set of plastic cups from under the cabinet, pink and purple and brightly colored. She holds them out without thinking. "I hope they're okay…."

Jane stares, her spine stiffening almost imperceptibly. She looks down at the cups in the doctor's hands with something like fury, and Maura has to physically will herself not to take a step backwards. The detective looks…fearsome.

**"**I-I can exchange them…certainly," Maura curses herself for stuttering.

Jane doesn't make any move to take the cup. Her eyes are clouded and unfocused, her jaw tight, working over and over, like she's chewing words she doesn't want to say.

**"**Jay," Frost's voice is quiet, but firm. He stands, coming over to where Maura is still holding the cup out. He takes he from her and holds it out further. "Jane," he says a little louder. "Maya wants a drink?"

Jane seems to snap herself out of whatever trance she's in. Her face softens an inch, though she still looks a bit formidable. She unsheathes one hand from her pocket and reaches out, and Maura has to fight not to stare. Each long and delicate finger is deep blue with bruising. She wraps them around the cup like it's made of glass. Or like her fingers are. Maura swallows.

When Jane speaks, she doesn't meet the doctor's eyes. "Yes…and, no…No, thank you, Doctor. There's no need to return them." She pauses, and then, "they are…well they are perfect." She turns back towards the door, and Maura resists the urge to ask her to stay, to offer her coffee too. "I'll get out of your hair."

**"**Maura!" the doctor is not aware that she's called out until Jane turns to look at her, one dark eyebrow raised in confusion. "Call-call me Maura…please," she says quietly, and for a moment there is silence. Jane seems to be contemplating.

"Maura," the brunette says softly, nodding, like she's filing it away, and the doctor feels her fingers tingle slightly, though not with fear…not exactly. Maura smiles, hoping to ease some if the hollowness in the dark eyes that are surveying her, and she thinks that maybe the woman looks a little more relaxed as she heads back away from the kitchen.

She turns away from the place where Jane has disappeared to see Frost smirking at her.

**"**Well played, doc."

Maura doesn't take the bait. "Did you see her face? Barry-"

Frost cuts her off, stepping closer, his face serious. "She's been through hell, Maur," he pauses here, as if trying to decide how far he wants to go into it. Not far. "Hell. You read the papers. They didn't report a quarter. Just give her a bit of time okay?" He waits until she nods before continuing. "I'll check up on you guys tomorrow. And you'll see me at the precinct every day. Just call me if you need me."

Maura glances at the empty hallway Jane has disappeared down, hating herself for the question she knows she has to ask. "She's not…dangerous."

Frost scoffs, looking disgruntled. "Of course she's not, Maura, do you really think I would ask you to house someone dangerous?"

Maura shakes her head, already ashamed. "No, of course not, I just…" An image of Jane's face as she'd taken the cup flashes through her mind again, and she looks up at Frost.

He sighs. "She's hurt, doc. She's really proud, and she's really hurt. She'll stay out of your way, and she'll get back on her feet, and then she'll be gone."

And this is both comforting and devastating, though the doctor could not begin to explain why. Frost stands up and heads towards the front door and Maura follows him, glancing back over her shoulder as she does.

"You call if you need me," Frost is saying, "or Korsak. He trained her. She knows him too."

It occurs to Maura that Frost is stressing that she call people that Detective Rizzoli knows. She nods, and he grips her arm. "I'll see you tomorrow. You're doing a great thing for them. Thank You."

Maura tries to smile, realizing it might be a grimace. "Drive safely."

She watches the young detective down the front walk to his cruiser, and then turns back into her front hall, shutting the door quietly behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

…

"WHO LIVES IN A PINAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?"

Maura sits bolt upright in bed, trying to suppress the cry of surprise that bubbles from her throat. She rubs at her eyes, burning against the bright morning sun forcing its way through the cracks in her curtains.

But it's not the light that has woken the doctor, and as the next blast of music surges from downstairs, she pushes the covers back and slides out of bed. The song is grating and much too loud and it rushes through the house like wind, covering everything.

"IF NAUTICAL NONESENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH."

Grabbing a sweatshirt off the back of an armchair, she rushes out her door and down the stairs, into the first sitting room.

There, standing in front of her TV is a little girl. She is barefoot, clad in an oversize shirt and a pair of soccer shorts. She has two, short, light brown pigtails, but the sharp and angular jaw of her mother.

Her mother. Maura looks around for Detective Rizzoli, but the rest of the living room and the hallways through which she has just come are empty.

The little girl stands in front of the TV, transfixed by the show, which is still blaring. Her eyes are light, ocean blue and they reflect the image of the TV as she stares, open mouthed.

Maura moves over to her, reaching out gently to take the TV remote from her hand.

"Turn it down a little, darling," she says quietly, though for the way the little girl reacts, she might have shouted. The child jumps like she's been shot, spinning to face the doctor with a terrified expression.

Maura jumps too, out of surprise, and the little girl whimpers and backs up. "Mommy," she whimpers, though not loud enough to be heard.

Maura feels something tug at the inside of her. She tries on what she hopes is a gentle smile. "I didn't mean to frighten you, darling. I just meant we should turn it down a little, so we don't wake your sister and mother."

_Darling_. It's what her mother used to call her, Maura realizes. She hopes that she sounds warmer, a bit more comforting, than her mother did when she used it. She tries to think back to last night, and remember this little girls name.

"You can keep watching," she says, holding out the remote, "or you can change the channel. Is this the show you wanted?"

The little girl doesn't move or take her giant eyes off the doctor. She stands frozen. Maura glances at her watch, 5:54am. She's had less than six hours sleep, and she knows she's going to pay for it later, but there's something about this little face…

"Don't be afraid, Maya," she says softly, and the girl seems to relax a fraction at her name.

"Mama said don't get up 'thout her," Maya says, and her voice is round with nervousness.

Maura smiles, "It's alright. You didn't hurt anything." She takes a step back so she can sit down on the edge of an armchair, having had the idea that putting her face more at eye level would be less scary. "is this the show you wanted to watch?"

Finally, the blue eyes swivel to take in the TV. "Tha's the biggest spongebob I ever saw," she says matter of factly. "Yesterday I hadda watch him in no color."

Maura nods, thought she's not sure she understands. She gestures to the screen, where a pink starfish is speaking to a crab wearing a shirt and pants.

"One of those is…Sponge-Bob?"

Maya looks incredulous. "youonnospongebob?" she is part dubious part suspicious, and Maura has to hide a grin.

"I don't. I'm sorry," she hesitates, watching the little girl shift back and forth from foot to foot. "Would you like to tell me about it?"

It looks as though nothing would make Maya happier, but something seems to hold her back. She bites her lip, nervous again.

"Mama says I'm ta leave you alone," she says after a minute. "She says you're very busy."

"Hmm," Maura makes a noncommittal sound in her throat. On one hand, she understands the detective's warning. On the other hand, she feels a little insulted. She did not offer her home out of some stilted feeling of charity.

"Maybe I should go back to my room," Maya says quietly. She has been watching the doctor's face, and presumably decided to cut her losses.

Maura leans back in the chair. "If you'd like to watch your program, you may," she says, smiling. "It's alright with me, you wouldn't be bothering me."

Maya glances at the screen and then back at the doctor, weighing her options. "You not busy right now?"

Maura shakes her head. Maya chews the inside of her cheek.

"And you never did hear of Spongebob Squarepants?"

Maura shakes her head again. "Not once in my life."

This seems to decide her, and after one more moment's hesitation, Maya climbs up onto the couch and swivels to face the screen. Maura grins at the way her legs stick straight out, not long enough for her knees to bend at the edge of the couch.

"I taught Zoe to be potty trained," she says matter-of-factly, "I could teach you bout Spongebob."

"You'd be doing me a great service," Maura says seriously, and the little chest puffs out importantly.  
"We're service people," she says to Maura. "Me and Mama and…" but her face drops a little here, and she stops talking abruptly, sucking her teeth. "Well," she says after a moment's contemplation. "Zo is too little. but when she gets big she can be. Mama would probably like that."

"Mama would like if you followed her instructions."

The deep growling voice rolls around the door frame before Detective Rizzoli makes herself visible. Now, properly, in the light from the windows, Maura can see the other woman properly, and her eyes widen a bit.

She is wearing the same tshirt and jeans from last night, and her long dark hair is wild, like she rolled over and over in her sleep. But she is beautiful. Hard and guarded and bruised, yes, but elegant and beautiful too. Jane's eyes sweep the room and land on Maura's and the doctor realizes that this is the second time she's been caught staring.

"Mama! Look how big Spongebob is!"

Jane opens her mouth to speak, but at that moment a miniscule figure pokes her head around the corner. Two dark brown eyes widen excitedly.

"Woah baby!" Zoe cries, and she scampers around the corner to climb up next to her sister.  
Maura stands as the two bounce together on the couch, clearly excited.

"Don't bounce," Jane says running a hand through her hair. "Be careful of that sofa, it costs more than I make in a year and a half."

Maura frowns, trying not to take this as an insult. "Expensive things usually mean good quality," she says, trying to keep her tone light.

"Or it means don't touch," Jane says darkly, and Maura's frown deepens.

"They can't hurt the couch," Maura says, aware that she sounds a little harsh, and Jane turns to look at her sharply. She looks like she might apologize, but then, thinks better of it.

"I'll take them out," she says quickly, glancing at the bright day behind the pale of the curtains. "I'll let them run off some of their energy." Jane looks towards the couch where the children are shoving at each other, and Maura thinks she looks both comforted and unsettled.

"Please," Maura says, surprised at how soft her voice comes out. "They can't hurt anything here."

This pulls a real and genuine laugh out of the detective, deep and husky, and it makes the back of Maura's hair stand on end.

"you don't know my children," she says, still chuckling. "Maya is into everything. And Zoe's a little sneak. You won't see it coming and then wham."

Jane presses her hands together to prove her point, and Maura looks down at her long bruised fingers.

Jane stiffens, and tucks her hands back in her pockets. "Anyway," she says gruffly, turning away, "some fresh air will do them good."

"Mommy," Maya calls, but Jane doesn't turn around. Maura glances at the little girl, she's looking at the detective. "Mommy?"

Maura clears her throat, "Um…Jane?"

"_Mommy?"_

Jane's eyes snap up to meet Maura's. "hmm?"

"Ah…Maya is – Ah – calling you?"

Jane shakes her head, "no, she calling her-" but her sentence falls off almost as abruptly as her daughter's had earlier. She goes pale, looking shaky.

"MA!" Maya will not be ignored.

"What-what is it, honey," It only takes Jane a few syllables to regain her composure. She turns and smiles at her child. "Say excuse me, like a human bean."

Zoe giggles, "beeeeen," she cries.

"We're hungry,"

"Impossible," Jane says, moving over to the couch, plopping herself between her children. "You are children, not bottomless black holes, and I fed you last week, I'm sure of it."

It's Maya's turn to giggle, which she does, accompanying this with an eye roll worth of a teenager. "Mommy, we are children," she says climbing up into her mother's lap, and Maura watches a spasm of pain cross the detectives face.

"gulls" Zoe says helpfully. "we gulls."

Jane grins, reaching out to ruffle Zoe's hair. "Yes," she says a little thickly. "You're my girls." She turns a little to Maya. "When did I become Mommy, My?" she asks quietly.

Maya looks a little nervous as she shrugs. "You are my Mommy, aren't ya?"

"Yes," Jane says immediately. "I just wondered."

"You're mommy and Mama now, right? All we need is three? Take carra each other?"

Maura sees Jane's jaw tighten, and looks away, taking a step back. She feels like she should give them privacy, but then she hears Jane chuckle. "when did you get so smart, little b?"

"Yesterday," Maya responds seriously. "In the car."

Maura looks up as Jane pulls Maya into a hug. Zoe looks scandalized.

"Zo too!" she cries, throwing her little arms around the back of her sister. "Zo too, Mama!"

And Jane wraps her arm around them both, her eyes closing.

And it clicks for Maura. She doesn't know how she could have been so stupid. So dense! Frost had said multiple times, on the phone, in emails, even last night in her kitchen. Maura looks back at the little family, and realizes that Jane is watching her, face unreadable. She holds the gaze for a long moment, and then, gathering herself, she stands, lifting both children up with her. Maura wonders again at her strength.

"Alright," she says, "The law says I have to feed you…so feed you I must. Give me 5 minutes to shower, and then we'll go hunting for a place.

"Can we watch Spongebob while you do?" Maya pulls away from Jane's shoulder to look her in the eyes. "puh-leeze?"

"Oh," Jane says uncertainly. "I'm sure Dr. Isles-"

"Maura," the doctor says firmly, "And I don't mind. It's no problem at all."

Jane looks at her, like she's going to say no, but Maya takes the detective's face between her small hands and turns it back to her.

"Mother," she says. "Doctor Lyle does not know one thing about Spongebob Squarepants, and I said I would help her."  
"Dr. Isles," Jane corrects trying to keep a straight face, "And she should thank her lucky stars that she doesn't know."

Maura chuckles, which makes both of them look around. Maya puts on the puppy face. "Mama, please? It's the biggest Spongebob I've ever had," she wiggles down from her mother's arms and runs over to Maura's TV. She gestures at it, looking like Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune.

"Puh-Leeeeze?"

In her arms still, Zoe lays her head down on her mother's shoulder, fixing the detective with her own puppy eyes.

"Puleece?" she says quietly.

"Oh, you two have practiced," Jane says, with a groan. "That is unfair."

"I don't mind," Maura speaks up, still smiling. Jane looks at her. "Honestly. They can watch it."

And Maya whoops, jumping back up on to the couch and patting the spot next to her for Zoe.

Jane deposits the little girl next to her older sister and straightens up. "I'll be ten minutes, tops," she says, and Maya nods, leaning to the side so she can see the TV better.

"If Dr. Isles tells you to turn it down, or off, or switch the channel, you do it…hear?"

"What if she says turn it uppp?" Maya says slyly.

Jane isn't playing around. "I mean it, smalls. You do what she says, get me?"

Maya does a pretty impressive salute for a six year old. "Mom, yes mom," she says, grinning. And Jane cracks a grin too, kissing a finger and pointing it at her daughter before turning around.

Maura follows her to the door. "They're fine," she says quietly, and Jane glances at her. She seems to struggle for a moment before finally sighing, her shoulders dropping a little.

"Thank you," she says, in the same quiet voice from last night.

"They are adorable," Maura says, aware that she's trying to draw the conversation out a little.

Jane half smiles, "they have their moments," she says fondly. She looks at Maura and sobers a little. "I'll be ten minutes. If they get too loud-"

"Take your time. We'll be alright." she watches Jane rub the back of her neck. "They'll be alright," Maura pushes a bit, "My house is not all expensive breakable things."

And Jane truly smiles, and Maura can't help but mimic the action.

"Alright Doctor," she says after one more glance at her kids.

"Maura."

Jane rolls her shoulders uncomfortably.

"You're living in my house, Jane," and it's the first time she's stated the brunette's name like that; boldly, like they are friends. "I'm not a doctor here."

Jane looks down at the floor, and for a second, Maura is afraid she's pushed too hard. But then Jane looks up at her and nods once.

"I'll be ten," she says turning away and striding off down the hall.

"take your time."

Jane hesitates, but doesn't turn. "Ten." She says.

And Maura smiles.

.

Glancing in at the girls to make sure they are okay, Maura hurries into her study off the kitchen, searching around in the top drawer for the article she knows will be there.

She pulls it out and reads it over.

_Officials are now saying that the Detective will make a full recovery. Rizzoli, 29, was shot twice in the shoulder and once in the left hip, and remains on the intensive care unit at Cook County. Her children are being cared for by local friends. Rizzoli, who lost her partner Katherine Hodgkins, 31, in the shooting will most likely return to the force after her rehabilitation is completed, sometime in early…_

But Maura puts down the clipping, shaking her head. "Semantics," Maura mutters to herself. "Still, I should have realized." She rubs her hand over her eyes.

"Dr. Eyes?" Maura whirls around. Maya is in the doorway.

"Call me Maura, sweetheart. Just Maura."

"Like me but or," Maya says cheerfully. Maura nods, not understanding why that makes her stomach flip over.

"What is it, darling?"

"Wanna watch Spongebob with us?"

Maura drops the clipping onto her desk, nodding. "Yes," she says. "Nothing would make me happier."

And she lets the little girl lead the way out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Frost was right. Jane Rizzoli takes great pains to stay out of the doctor's way. The days turn into a week. And then two. Maura shows Jane two shelves in the refrigerator that she's cleared away, where she can store her things.

"But anywhere is fine. If it's not mine, I won't touch it…" Maura had waited for a response that didn't seem likely to come. "Or you can label your things, if you'd like."

Jane had blinked twice, like she didn't quite understand this concept, but two days later, a box of Capri Sun juice packets and one six pack of Sam Adams Boston lager had appeared on the shelf designated for the detective. Maura is fascinated by the way one beer disappears every night, one of her pint glasses drying in the rack when she comes down every morning.

At night, Maura falls asleep listening to the late report on ESPN. She imagines Jane down there, sitting on the edge of the couch with her elbows on her knees, beer dangling loosely between her legs. She imagines the dark hair through the pale face, and the deep brown eyes fixed on the screen. It does not matter how late Maura stays up, Jane stays in her room until the doctor heads up to bed.

They fall into a routine. Jane wakes both girls up at six in the morning, and sometimes, when she wakes up before her alarm, Maura hears them watching cartoons and eating breakfast, giggling at something their mother has said.

On a Monday, wanting to see the family in action, she gets up at six too, and is in the kitchen when the three of them straggle in.

Jane looks shocked, even when Maura smiles at her, and though she and her children interact with the doctor before leaving for wherever it is they go, the next morning she hears them get up at five.

They don't speak about it. When, on Thursday, Maura switches back to getting up at seven and the Rizzoli's switch back to getting up at six, they don't speak about that either.

Frost asks her every day how they are doing.

Maura responds as truthfully as she can, and on the 14th day, Friday, she accompanies her answer with a sigh.

"I don't know."

Frost looks up from his computer. "Did something happen?"

Maura studies him. "No…nothing has happened. That's the point." She almost says problem, _that's the problem._ She clears her throat. "She avoids me completely."

Frost nods. "I told you she would stay out of your way."

Maura frowns, "this is not staying out of my way, Barry. This is _avoiding_ me."

The young man leans back in his chair. "She's avoiding everyone," he says after a while, and there is something about the way he says the last word that makes Maura's frown deepen. "She was not…super excited about moving back to Boston," he finishes, shrugging. "She's proud, Maura. She hates to think she's putting out. Especially here, where she was born."

Maura raises her eyebrows, "Why?"

But Frost shakes his head like it's not his story to tell, and Maura heads back towards the elevator with more questions than she'd begun with.

.

She's stopped at a red light next to the park when she sees them. Jane and Maya and Zoe on the playground. Both girls are on the swings and Maura smiles at their ecstatic faces as Jane pushes them higher and higher.

Maya's mouth moves over a word that is very clearly, _Mommy! _And Maura watches as Jane turns to look over her shoulder, expectant.

When she turns back, her face is clouded. She manages to smile at her daughter, but when Maya tires of the swings and jumps off, Jane lifts Zoe out of her swing and watches them run off to the slide, before putting her hand over her face.

Maura watches her shoulders shake once, before the car behind her honks, and she has to drive.

.

She is absent minded when she gets home. She sits down in the living room and pulls out her laptop and opens Google, typing in Detective Jane Rizzoli, and pressing enter, before snapping the cover shut with a head shake.

She's already done that. She's already seen the photos of the crime scene and read both sides of the story. She doesn't need to do it again.

Maura rubs her hands together, and pushes the laptop open again. In the Google field this time, she types, Katherine Hodgkins, and then presses enter. As the results scroll in, she moves her mouse up to the top of the screen and presses the tab marked _images._

The first one that comes up is of Katherine and Jane. Katherine has her arm around Jane's waist and the other is holding up a crystal sculpture, Maura thinks it must be a trophy. Katherine is making a funny face at the camera. Jane is smiling at the camera too, though she doesn't look so much happy as…at peace.

Maua stares at the photo for what seems like ages. Katherine is tall and slender like Jane, with blue eyes and brown hair. She has a kind face and a smattering of freckles on her nose and bare shoulders. Maura drops her eyes to the caption.

_Noted photographer Katherine Hodgkins celebrates her award with partner Det. Jane Rizzloi._

Noted photographer. Maura moves her mouse up to the tap that says _search_, but for some reason she finds she can't press it. She doesn't want to know anymore. Not right now.

Setting her laptop aside, she wanders into the kitchen with the idea of making herself dinner. She pulls chicken and asparagus out of the fridge and as she turns to the counter, something bright catches her eye.

There on the kitchen counter is an overturned pack of crayons and some scattered pieces of paper. Maura uprights the crayon pack and begins to drop the little wax sticks back in their box, glancing down at the pictures. She stops.

The first picture is of a house, from what Maura can tell, her house, red brick and black steps drawn with the pained precision of a six year old. Outside the steps are three stick figures, the first so small that it must be Zoe, with a puff of jet black hair. The second is Jane, as tall as the tree nearby and then Maya, brown pigtails in place a giant smile on her face, complete with teeth. Maura grins, holding the picture up. On the bottom in large print are the words, _mayas noo hom._

Maura swallows with a little bit of difficulty, and goes to replace the picture on the table, but the picture underneath makes her pause.

It's not a stick figure, but just a face, another big smile and a shock of blonde hair. She picks it up. The writing on the bottom of this says: _Dr. Iz mayas noo frend_

She stares at the picture for a long, long time, food forgotten. Several feelings are swirling around in her head, yet she cannot get a firm handle on anything.  
She thinks back to the ten minutes she'd spent with the girls while Jane had showered.

"More- a?"

"Yes, Darling?"

"Mama says you are a doctor for dead people?"

"Well, yes. I suppose that's relatively accurate."

"huh," the little girl had furrowed her brow, looking like her mother. "thas pretty weird."

"pretty!" Zoe had said cheerfully. "pretty mo-mo."

And Maura had felt full in a way she had not realized was possible until right that moment.

Now Maura pulls out her cellphone and snaps a picture of the drawing.

She hears the key in the lock, and hastily replaces the items on the table, at the last minute, tipping the crayons back over, onto the wood.

Maya is singing, Maura can hear her as the three of them enter the front hall. The doctor glances at the clock, it is half past seven. She should be in her study by now, working.

Maya zooms around the corner, bright eyed, arms out like a plane. She stops dead at the sight of Maura and her eyes light up.

"More-ahhhhhhh!" she says, speeding over to the doctor and throwing arms around her middle.

Maura staggers a little, caught off guard by the force. The next to appear around the corner is Zoe, and her face goes comically furious as she sees her older sister hugging Maura. "Zo too!" she squeals, and is almost to the doctor when Jane scoops her up.

"Careful!" she says, her tone somewhere between admonition and shock. "You don't want to knock the doctor over."

Maya releases her hold at once, stepping back. "Sorry," she says, still grinning. "Wanna see what I got at the park?"

Jane rests Zoe on her hip, glancing at them as she opens the fridge to grab the pouches of juice. Maura watches Maya pull a PEZ dispenser out of her pocket. The head, where the candy comes out is in the shape of a dog."

"want one?"

Maura smiles, "Goodness, I didn't know they still made these," she says glancing at Jane in time to see a fleeting smile cross her face. "No thank you, darling, you should keep the candy for yourself."

"I always wanted a dog," Maya says, popping a piece of the candy into her mouth, "a dog just for my own."

"Smalls," Jane says holding out a juice, "No more candy…here, swap."

Maya huffs, but trades the dispenser for the juice.

"Thank you," Jane says, she glances around and catches sight of the kitchen table. "Oh, Maya!" the little girl turns, looking nervous at the tone. "What did I tell you about leaving your stuff all over?"

Maya looks around her eyes falling on the table. "Whoops!" she cries happily, scuttling over to the table. She picks up the crayons, naming them all as she pops them back into their holder.

"greeeeeen….bluuuueeee…yellloooww….fus..fyoo..sha… that's why I couldn't find you guys at he park."

Maura chuckles, but Jane beckons her daughter away from the table. She looks a little scared. "Say good night to Dr. Isles."

Maura holds in a sigh, at the formal name, and Maya whirls back to her. "Night Mo!"

Jane rolls her eyes, and when they land on Maura they go hard. Impenetrable.

"Sorry," she says as Maya scoots past her towards the bedroom.

"Good night, Maya," Maura calls after the little girl. And then to Jane, "it's not a problem, I've told you."

Jane nods brusquely and turns down the hall too. As the door to the room closes, Maura hears Zoe's sad little voice.

"Mama…I did not get a hug."

…

As she's getting ready for bed, Maura hears the TV in the setting room flick on and jump channels to ESPN. For a moment, the doctor stands in the middle of her room, undecided. But then, as the night's events come back to her, she makes up her mind and moves to the stairs. She descends quickly, rounding the corner to the living room.

Jane is sitting cross legged on her couch, mid swig of beer. Her eyes widen as Maura appears in the doorway.

"Hello, Jane," Maura says clearly. "I was going to make some tea. Would you mind if I joined you?"

Jane lowers the beer slowly, her eyes never leaving the doctor. "Uh…I can get out of your way," she says moving to stand. "Sports Center is just finishing and-"

"Don't be ridiculous," Maura says, heading towards the kitchen, "Stay." She is aware that this is a command you might give an animal, but it seems to do the trick. Jane stays on the couch, her eyes moving back to the screen.

Maura makes tea that she doesn't want with shaking hands. When she comes back into the living room, Jane glances at her, watching as she settles into the armchair.

"If you want to watch something different."

"This is fine," Maura says lightly. "I admit I'm not very versed in the language of sports, but it's never too late to learn, right?"

Jane doesn't answer.

"How are you finding Boston?"

Brown eyes jump to hers and away. "Excuse me?"

"You've been away a while, correct?" Maura smiles "How are you finding being back. Is it odd reacquainting yourself with the city?"

Jane tilts her beer a little, like she's studying it.

"I lived several places growing up, both in the country and abroad, and I always found it a bit jarring to return to places I'd been and find them so altered."

Jane looks up at her, an almost smile on her lips. "Do you always talk like that?"

Maura raises an eyebrow, perplexed "Like what?"

Jane considers her beer. "Like a dictionary," she says finally. "No. Like a thesaurus."

Maura does not know whether or not she should be hurt of flattered. Her previous conversations about how she speaks had entailed trying to keep her composure while some child or another hurled taunts at her. But Jane seems to truly be asking.

"I suppose I do," she says, still staying on her guard. "Does it bother you?"

Jane almost smirks. "No. I was just wondering if you put on the polite fancy tone just for me, the recluse invalid." This comes out harshly, and Maura leans back, stung.

"I would never dream of demeaning you in that way," she says quickly. "I suppose it's just the way I was taught to speak. You might know that if you did not spend all your time avoiding me." And the last part of this just slips out, and Maura almost lifts her hand to her mouth, as though she can scoop the words up and shove them back into her mouth.

Jane looks outraged. "_Avoiding you?"_

"Yes," Maura says irritably, "Avoiding, evading, circumventing…do you need another?" Now that the flood gates are open, Maura cannot stop. "I've opened my home to you, and you do not seem grateful in the slightest." This is unfair, Maura knows it's unfair, this woman has been through so much, yet she stares defiantly into wide brown eyes. "You get up an hour earlier than I do, you stay out of sight until I'm gone. You keep your children away from me as though I had leprosy, or were made of glass. Ms. Manners would advise that you at least offer a dinner or a light lunch, to get to know your host."

Jane lets out a bark, which could be an attempt at a laugh or a scoff of derision. "Ms. _Manners?_" she stands, and Maura stands too, not to be outdone. The brunette still has a good four inches on her.

"Well, I hope _Miss Manners," _Jane pulls her fingers into air quotes around the words, and Maura notices she doesn't flinch, "will excuse me if I want to spare both of us that painfully awkward brunch."

_Awkward._ Isn't that what all the girls on the playground called her? Awkward and gangly and nerd and four eyes, which was asinine because she didn't even wear glasses. This woman standing in front of her would have been at the head of the pack. She would have been the one that pushed Maura over and then laughed when she'd cried over dirty tights. Detective Rizzoli was a bully, Maura just knows it.

"I am not awkward," she hisses, feeling a sick swoop in her stomach because she may have just lied. "I happen to be a very good-"

"Not. You." Jane says through a clenched jaw. "I'm not speaking about you."

Maura falls silent, looking at her.

Jane runs a hand through her hair, no grimace. "Did it ever occur to that giant brain that I'm trying to give you some continued sense of normalcy?"

"W-what?" Maura can only stutter.

"Frost told me you live here alone. He told me you're the best M.E. in Massachusetts. He told me you're polite and quiet and keep to yourself," Jane turns to face her, and her eyes are so expressive, Maura feels like she could read it all there, given the time. "And I have two children, who spent months cooped up in apartments, and who are also, because they're mine, full of energy. You think I was just going to come in here and take over your house? We could have. They would have." Jane turns from her, "I was trying to let you keep your house, Dr. Isles," she says quietly, "Whatever your routine is, we can bend around it. You took three people you don't know into your home. The least we can do is bend around your schedule."

Maura stands, looking at the brunette's profile, half turned from her, and looking down at nothing. Jane tugs the fingers of one hand with the other.

Maura can think of nothing to say but, "You're not flinching anymore."

Jane looks at her sharply. "What?"

"Your hands," Maura says simply, because neither woman can pretend she hasn't seen the bruising. "That's the third time in this conversation that you've made a digit related gesture, and you have not grimaced in pain once."

Jane looks down at her hands and then shoves them into her pockets. "Are you watching me, doctor?"

Maura frowns at the bite still in Jane's voice. "I watch everything," she says truthfully.

Jane bends to pick up her beer from the coffee table, wiping the sweat ring away with the sleeve of her shirt. "Bed," she mutters, stepping past Maura to the kitchen. Her face is back in it's unreadable mask.

Maura watches her go…flabbergasted.

When she finally drifts off to bed that night, she dreams she is ten years old again, on a playground, and there are children everywhere. Taunting her.

.

Her alarm wakes her at quarter to seven, and when she rolls out of bed to pull back the curtains, it is on a grey and stormy sky.

"Perfect," she mutters to herself, turning towards the bathroom.

Her morning routine goes quickly, shower, teeth, hair, outfit, but as she is pulling the zipper shut on the side of her dress she hears a clatter from downstairs.

She glances at the clock. 6:53. The Rizzoli's should be gone by now. Maura walks out into the hall and to the top of the stairs.

Yes, she's right. That is the unmistakable sound of movement coming from downstairs.

"Hello?" she calls out tentatively.

"Hello howdy hi!" an excited voice calls back.

Maya.

Maura is so surprised that she descends the stairs without her shoes, rounding the corner to the kitchen where she finds the table laid out…for four.

"Uh…" is all she can manage.

"Supper!" Zoe chirps from where she is already strapped into her booster.

"No," Maya says, with a put upon sigh. "Surprise."

"Sooprize!" Zoe says, looking at Maura hopefully. The doctor stands frozen in the doorway, looking at Jane, who's back is to her as she does something on the stove.

"It certainly is," Maura says after a moment. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Maya grins up at her. "Mama says that it's polite to have a get to know you brunch," she says. "If we're gonna be staying here."

Maya gestures at a place setting and with one more glance at Jane's back, Maura slides into the seat.  
"Mama says that, huh?" she asks, and finally, Jane turns around. "She quirks and eyebrow at her daughter. "Sit down smalls," she says, placing a platter of pancakes on the table. "watch your drink." She glances at Maura and then away, pulling out her own chair and sitting down.

"I figure…an extra hour of sleeping in…" she says quietly as Maya grabs a pancake off the platter with her hands. "If you don't mind,"

Maura feels like she's won something. "I don't mind at all."

Jane nods, and Maura studies her as she rips up a pancake for Zoe. She's not smiling, but her features are softer. She _could _smile, if Maura said something entertaining.

The doctor feels she's more than up for the challenge.


	4. Chapter 4

Two weeks becomes a month, and July slips quickly into August. The leaves turn early, and the sun starts to set faster.

Maura finds herself swept up into the Rizzoli's routine. Breakfast together each morning, turns into cartoons while Jane showers, turns into dinners when Maura can make it home, turns into two weekends spent chasing Zoe through the park.

Maya draws on one of her favorite Hermes scarves, and leaves dirty hand prints on the front hall wall. Zoe has three popsicles when no one is looking and throws up on the couch.

Jane is horrified.  
Maura realizes that she has never felt truly alive.

Jane remains distant and aloof, even if she does smile more often, or have a tea ready and waiting at the beginning of sports center each night. She is sarcastic in a teasing and easy way when not under pressure, and cutting and abrupt when uncomfortable. They connect the fullest around the kids, and once, on their only trip to the supermarket together, Jane dumps Zoe unceremoniously into the doctor's arms so she can squat and pull out a case of graham crackers.

"Just hold the monster for a moment," she'd chuckled, and Zoe had squealed and cried "monster! monster!" and Maura had never felt such a strong sense of family in her life.

She is careful, however, each night before she goes to sleep, to remind herself as firmly as she can, that this family is. not. hers.

…

The first time Jane sets foot in the downtown precinct where Maura and Frost work, she gets a silent standing reception. Cops who have their hats on slip them off and put them over their hearts. Rookies hold out their hands tentatively. Maura is entering the bullpen from the elevators when Jane arrives, and she watches the mass of navy rise up to greet her houseguest with a sort of wondrous awe.

Jane nods to those who nod to her, and shakes hands right handed, even though Maura knows it must hurt her.

Zoe and Maya stay close to her side, Maya only cracking a grin when A cop Jane recognizes from the Academy plops his police hat on her head.  
"Please," she hears Jane say ruefully. Don't give her any ideas."

A cop near Maura runs off down the back hall, and she turns curiously to see where he's gone. He's not out of sight more than two minutes, though, before he's returning with another man in tow, older and white haired.

Vince Korsak. Maura watches as he pushes roughly past a uniform in his way and pulls Jane into a hug, which she returns just as enthusiastically. The doctor is aware that this is about as out of character as it comes for both of them, but when they pull away from each other, Jane grimaces.

"Korsak!" she says, "You got…old!" And the moment is over.

While they are talking, Maya's eyes fall on the doctor. She looks like Christmas has come early.

"MAURA!" she shouts making a beeline across the room. Ready for it now, Maura manages not to stumble…just.

"Be careful, little b," Jane's voice is light. She is happy, and when she and Korsak come over, Maura thinks her face looks more relaxed than it has before.

"Come on," Korsak says, gesturing. "Let's find a place. I've got about fifty questions for you."

Jane hesitates, holding her hand out for Maya, but the little girl holds fast to the doctor.

"I wanna go with Maura."

Jane rolls her eyes. "Maya-"

Maya sets her jaw, the spitting image. "_momma_," she imitates. A dead ringer.

"She can come see my office," Maura intervenes, too familiar with both stubborn personalities to expect a happy ending. "They both can. Give you a chance to catch up."

Jane looks unsure, and Maura can see Korsak watching her face closely. She wonders what he's looking for. "Um.."

"please please please please please," Maya says it so many times, and so fast that she begins to mix up her syllables.

"It's no problem, Jane," Maura says, and she sees Korsak's eyes move to take her in as well.

Jane nods once, kissing both pointer fingers and pointing at the girls. "Be angels," she instructs, and with one last look over her shoulder, she follows Korsak around the corner and out of sight, leaving Maura alone with her children.

…

Maya loves the doctor's office. She spins around in a slow circle, light eyes huge. "Wowowowow," she says, looking back at Maura. "you like…a princess?"

Maura smiles, letting go of Zoe's hand to go around her desk, "nope, just a doctor."

"Where's the dead people?" Maya asks slyly.

"What would your mother say if I showed you my actual work?" Maura asks skeptically.

"She wouldn't even care," Maya says looking away.

"Is that a fib?"

A pause while the girl picks up one of Maura's plaques off the table. "Guess so."

"It's not nice to fib," Maura sits down at her desk. As soon as she gets settled, Zoe toddles around the corner and climbs up in her lap. She shifts around trying to get comfortable, while Maura sits frozen, unable to process what is happening.

After a moment, Zoe gives a contented sigh, her little head coming to rest against Maura's fiercely beating heart.

"Hi," the little girl says quietly, her hand coming up to tug at Maura's hair.

"H-hi," Maura says shakily. She moves her hand tentatively up to Zoe's back and starts to rub.

"She's prolly tired," Maya says absently, "No nap today." She looks over the little silver plaque at the doctor. "All those people know my mama?"

Maura stops rubbing Zoe's back, causing the baby to let go a little hoot of disapproval.

"Yes," Maura says, rubbing again. "Not…directly, maybe. But they know of her. She's a hero."

Her words have an effect on both children that she wasn't expecting. Maya drops the plaque, and it clatters to the floor with a loud thunk. Zoe sits up right, wide awake, staring at the doctor's mouth.

"ooohhh," Maya says, and she sounds like every kid just before a fight breaks out. "You said a baddie."

Maura tries to go back over the sentence in her head, "I simply said that your mother was a-"

But Maya puts her hand up to her lips, gesturing the doctor not to say it.

"That's a baddie. You'll get a time out if you say it."

Things are still not computing in Maura's brain. "But it's not a bad word at all," she says, put out. "In fact it has very positive connotations." She looks at Maya curiously, something occurring to her. "Did your mother tell you that he- sorry- that that word was a bad one."

"mama says!" Zoe cries, snuggling back down against the doctor.  
"Yeah," Maya confirms. "Ma says there's no such thing. She says it's an awful word that oughta be banished from the universe."

Maura doesn't say anything. Her brain feels as though it's on overdrive. She thinks of all the times she opened the newspaper to see Jane Rizzoli lauded as a hero, putting a crazed psychopath behind bars. Saving three women.

_But what does that mean if she couldn't save the woman that mattered?_

"Ah," Maura says more to herself, and then to the little faces looking up at her. "I see," she nods. Maya nods back wisely. "I won't tell. You din't know."

On the coffee table, her phone buzzes, and Maura stands to get it. Zoe refuses to let go and so the doctor awkwardly settles the baby on her hip, marveling at the way the child helps her, hanging on and settling in.

It's from Jane. **Ready…Thank you.**

"Mama's ready," Maura says, feeling both relieved and disappointed. If they had stayed with her much longer, they might have gotten bored, and she's not sure what they would have done then. But if they'd stayed with her much longer, Zoe might have fallen asleep in her arms and…

Well, she's not sure what she would have done then, either.

.

She rounds the corner from the elevator, Zoe in her arms and Maya tagging close behind, but she pulls up short at the entrance to the bull pen, and the little girl walks into her.

She's never heard Jane yell before, but she recognizes that voice. It's become part of her daily life.

"-Did not run out on my family!" Jane is screaming. "I went away to _MAKE_ a family. To have some kind of chance at happiness after Pop told me my soul belonged to the _DEVIL."_

Maya loops her fingers through the belt loops of Maura's dress pants, and the doctor instinctively pulls her a little closer.

"You just ran away!" A man's voice, just as loud and just as raspy chimes in. "You left Ma wondering what she did wrong, you left me and Frankie wondering where the hell our sister went. Janie, we called and called when Katie died-"

And Jane's voice comes again. "Don't you _EVER. _Put your mouth on Kate, you don't know the kind of person she was."

"I know she _stole_ you from us, Jane. That's what it felt like. All of a sudden you were this different person, who couldn't be bothered to pick up a telephone. Who didn't want to share this new life with her _blood _family. How old is your daughter now, huh? Why don't I know? Does she know she's got uncles? A Grandmother?"

"I WAS IN LOVE, YOU ASSWIPE," Jane's voice is part fury, part pain, and Maura takes a step backwards, as up ahead of her, Jane appears, advancing on a man who is backing away from her, hands out.

He is tall and muscular, like her, and he is wearing an EMT uniform. Maura recognizes him as a first responder she's sometimes seen at crime scenes.

"We would have understood-"

"Yeah, Pop was really understanding when he came to our apartment and threatened to set it one fire. Send us to hell early."

"POP!" the man screams, and he rolls his shoulders in such a Jane like way that Maura thinks this must be a brother. "That was POP, Jay! Ma and Frankie and I…we were…when you left we were…And when Ma heard you had a little…" He seems speechless, and Jane's terrifying face seems to crack a bit.

"Tommy," she says, sounding old and tired all of a sudden, "Jesus…just don't…"

She runs a hand through her hair and looks up, over his shoulder. Maura meets her eyes.

"Ma?" Maya calls from her hip.

The man called Tommy spins around.

Nobody moves. Jane looks terrified, and Tommy looks frozen with shock.

"Oh. My God," Tommy says, his eyes moving between Maya and Zoe. and then he charges towards where the doctor is standing with Jane's children.

"TWO?" he is screeching. "YOU have TWO, JANE?"

And Maya gasps, and moves to hide herself behind Maura's leg, and the doctor, without thinking, turns away from him, shielding both children.

And Jane is a half-step behind him, her face a mask of fury and fear. She's already dissociated, Maura can tell.

"TOMMY YOU TOUCH MY CHILDREN AND I SWEAR-"

Maura closes her eyes.

.

She doesn't know where Barry Frost and Vince Korsak come from. She doesn't know what Jane punches that makes her knuckles split like that, or where Tommy disappears to. But when she opens her eyes, she is still holding onto both children, and Frost has his hand on her elbow.

"Jane," he's saying firmly. "Jane… Cool out."

Jane turns her wild eyes on the doctor, and then to her children. She bends down and Maya runs to her, letting Jane scoop her up in her arms.

"Mama," she says quietly. "You got green."

Jane forces a smile. "Yeah, baby, Mama hulked out a little. I'm sorry."

"Was that man gonna hurt us?"

Jane glances at Frost and then at Maura. "No," she says, and she sounds a little ashamed. "No, he wasn't. I-I overreacted. I'm sorry."

And now Maura understands why Barry had wanted Jane to stay with her. Why it's taking them so long to find her somewhere new.

_She's still suffering._

It must be PTSD. It must be PTSD and it must be…men. Maura can think of nothing else that would cause dissociation so complete.

"Jane," Vince says quietly, "Look, Frost and I can take the girls for burgers and ice cream. Why don't you go…take a couple hours."

Jane shuts her eyes for a fraction longer than it takes to blink. Then she gives Maya a squeeze. "You wanna hang out with Uncle Frost for a while, My? While Mama gets less green?"

Maya looks unsure, and Korsak smiles at her. "I hear there's a pretty cool air hockey table," he says casually to Frost.

Maya perks up immediately. "I wanna play!" She says already wiggling down from her mothers arms.  
Zoe starts to wiggle at once as well. "Zo too!" she calls, and Maura lets her down so she can run to hug her mother good-bye.

Jane gives both girls kisses and straightens up. As terrible as she looked in her fury a moment before, that's how small and sheepish she looks now. She glances at Maura, who opens her mouth to say something, most likely about PTSD and its effects on the brain. But before she can even draw a breath, Jane has turned on her heel and walked away.

…

Maura finds her, finally, in the back booth at a bar called The Robber. It's a cop hangout, and she'd been there a couple times, with Frost and Korsak, after a case that was particularly hard, or a murder that was decidedly senseless.

She scans the booths, and when her eyes find that now familiar dark hair and slumped shoulders, Maura lets out a sigh of relief, only now realizing that she had been worried. She approaches the booth slowly, like any sudden movements and Jane will disappear in a cloud of smoke. Still, her heels make noise on the wood floor and Jane looks up when she's still five feet away from the empty side. She stops, waiting for either an invitation or a rejection. Jane holds her beer in both hands, and Maura notices, with a little lurch in her stomach, that there are five empty bottles, pushed back towards the window.

Maura looks back at Jane and finds that the woman is staring at her, her eyes searching the doctor's face with a sort of hungry desperation; Maura feels her hands begin to sweat. She opens her mouth to say something, and then closes it again. Jane's eyes drop back down to the wood of the table, and as Maura's eyes follow, she sees the backs of Jane's hands, her knuckles raw and red, the dark blue and violet of bruises already blooming on the pale skin.

Maura's sharp intake of breath makes Jane look up suddenly. She follows Maura's line of sight, and when she realizes, she takes her hands from around her bottle, hiding them under the table.

Maura shakes her head, and she moves forward, only hesitating for a moment before sliding in across from Jane.

They sit like that for a long time, Maura with her hands folded on the table in front of her, Jane shoulders slumped, hands hidden under the table top. It occurs to Maura that it might seem to an outsider that Jane is being chided, she has the shamefaced look to go with such a scenario. Maura flattens her hands against the hard wood, trying to think of something to say. She can think of nothing.

"Do you drink something besides tea?" The question makes her jump, and she misses most of it in surprise.

"Excuse me?" She looks up into dark questioning eyes.

"Do you drink something other than tea? I'm not sure that The Robber has any kind of tea you'd want to drink."

"Oh…" Maura says, understanding, "Oh, yes! I drink several other liquids, but…" she glances at the bar, "here I am partial to the white wine."

Jane nods, extracting one of her hands from under the table and lifting it lazily. Maura looks back towards the bar, where the man behind the counter nods at her.

"Wine," she says, not lifting her voice, "white."

The bartender nods, and Maura looks back at Jane, enthralled.

"We go way back," Jane says simply. She's been crying. Maura can tell by the timber of her voice. But she also knows not to bring it up. She does not know why Jane hasn't told her to go away. She certainly has no trouble being honest. Maybe…

Maura shakes her head.

The bartender brings the wine over. "'Nother one, Jane?" he asks quietly. She looks at the almost empty bottle on the table, and then at the others pushed back.

"Shouldn't," she says lowly. "Thanks."

He nods and ambles back towards the counter. Jane tips the rest of her beer back, and Maura lifts her own glass.

They are both silent, but Jane doesn't seem to mind, and after the initial nerves, Maura finds that she doesn't either. It is almost nice, watching Jane slowly peel the label off the beer bottle, and listen to the rabble of the crowds at the other tables. She leans back against the seat, drinking again. She is halfway through her glass when Jane opens her mouth.

"You," she says hoarsely.

Maura raises her eyebrows, unsure if this overture is friendly or hostile. "Me," she says gently, and Jane looks at her sharply, like she's argued.

For a moment she looks like she's going to become silent again. Then she sighs. "You shielded my girls."

Maura looks at her blankly, completely caught off guard. "I-I what?" It takes her a moment to realize that, even though she sounds a little bitter, the words are not negative.

Jane rolls her shoulders. "When Tommy…" Her face goes sour. "You pushed Maya behind you and you…" She cradles her arm, indicating where Zoe's head would have fit, protected should anything come flying at it. Jane looks up at Maura to see if she understands.

She does, but that doesn't mean she has the words to answer. "Oh…I-well, yes." She says finally, taking a sip of her wine to steady herself. "I suppose I did."

Jane looks at her, as if gauging how she should reply. Finally she nods once, in her brusque official way. "That was…" her face softens for a moment, just the smallest moment. "very kind of you, Doctor."

And Maura takes the opening. "I've asked you not to call me that."

Jane shakes her head, and her mouth turns up, ever so slightly. "habit," she says quietly, and she doesn't know why, but Maura feels comforted.

"They're fine," Maura says, clarifying when Jane looks up, "your children. They're not…they don't seem greatly affected by what happened at the precinct today."

Jane snorts, and Maura frowns a little. "Maya was a little curious about…Tommy…" Jane's face darkens, and she hurries on, "But nothing I don't think Barry can handle."

"It's true you know," Jane says between gritted teeth, and Maura does not respond, just waits.  
"I got pregnant with Maya and My dad lost his shit."

Maura flinches a little at the swear word, but still she does not answer. It does not seem that Jane needs one. "So when we got pregnant with Zoe…like I was going to what…call home with the happy news?" She rolls her eyes, "We were in Chicago when Maya was born, and I sent them a birth notice, and do you know what they sent back?"

Maura is not used to being the person that people confide in. She looks back at Jane intently, engrossed and terrified at the same time. She shakes her head once.

"A bible," Jane voice stays low, but it shakes with bottled up emotions. "A highlighted bible, with all the passages that Pop thought proved how much I was going to hell. How wrong it was to bring a baby up in such a household." Her voice catches and she sets her jaw, looking murderous. "I told my Ma if she didn't love Kate and Maya then she didn't love me."

Jane flexes. And as her biceps gain definition and then relax, Maura feels a wave of…what? She can't put a name on it. It makes her eyelids flutter.

Jane clears her throat, and seems to come back to herself. She looks up into Maura's face, and the doctor feels herself flushing, and the brunette frowns, looking back down at her beer.

"Anyway…I'll talk to Frost tomorrow…We can start really looking for a place."

Maura shakes her head, "What?"

Jane sighs, "I mean…you don't need me at place…not after…" She sighs again, agitated. "You don't need that kind of…" She trails off and Maura feels a surge of affection for this woman, out of nowhere.

"You've been at my house a month," Maura says after a moment, and Jane looks uncomfortable, "I know, doctor and I'm really sorry…I-"

"No," Maura cuts her off, "what I'm saying is that if you'd worn out your welcome, it would have come three weeks ago." She smiles as Jane looks at her, unbelieving. Maura leans forward a little, wanting to make herself clear, wondering at the words as they come out of her mouth, astounded by how true they feel.

"You are welcome in my home as long as you need, Jane. Nothing that happened today changes that." She makes sure that she stresses the nothing, and she hopes that Jane understands that she means both the fight with her brother and the 'revelation' of her sexual orientation.

Jane looks torn between laughter and shock. She fixes Maura with that stare, like she can see right into her brain.

"We should get back then," she says. "I haven't missed a night to put the girls to sleep since I've been out of the hospital."

And Maura smiles, because she's come to expect this abruptness…because she almost enjoys it. "Yes," she says "We should."

As they head towards the door, some of the officers tip their hats or dip their heads respectfully at Jane, and she acknowledges them the same way she did in the precinct, a hand shake or a nod. They get to the door together, and Jane steps around Maura, and pulls the door open with her left hand. Her right hand comes to rest gently in the small of the doctor's back.

She opens the door for Maura, who looks around at her with surprised eyes, and Jane flashes her half of an exhausted smile. "Go ahead."

She's done it without thinking, made them a couple. And Maura is hit with the same wave as earlier, as Jane's fingers leave her back and return to her pocket.

Only this time, she knows exactly what that feeling is.


	5. Chapter 5

The moment she steps into the room, she realizes she's made a huge mistake.

Jane is in the shower, and Maura and Maya and Zoe are playing hide and seek. The doctor is new to this game, having never played it as a child or the three times she babysat for the next door neighbors in Beverly Hills.

It does not even cross her mind to set parameters for the game, and when she uncovers her eyes and stands up from the couch, she finds herself looking at an empty sitting room. She looks around, a flutter of panic winging from the tips of her fingers to her toes.

"Zoe?" she calls hopefully, and immediately a torrent of giggles comes from the hallway. Maura rounds the corner, relief flooding through her, to find Zoe in the hallway, hands over her eyes, pressed firmly against the wall. She is giggling madly, and she shrieks with laughter as Maura bends and scoops her off her feet.

"I found you, little b!" she smiles, and the child turns into her, comfortable. _Little b. _It had just slipped out. As the days slip by, and Jane gets more and more comfortable with her, she leaves the children alone longer, and Zoe and Maya have begun to treat her, if not like a second parent, at least like a live in babysitter. All the same, Maura makes a mental note to watch her language. She doesn't have to slip up to know that Jane would not like this appropriation of her pet names.

"Where did Maya go?" she asks now, unable to resist giving the little girl a squeeze. She sets Zoe down and the toddler zooms off down the hall.

"This way!" she cries, still giggling.

And she pushes Jane's bed room door open and bounds in. And Maura follows her without thinking.

And that's how she ends up in Jane's room. And immediately she realizes it is a mistake.

.

The walls are covered in pictures.

End to end, wall to wall, it is almost nothing but 4x6 photographs, each one of them black and white Maura recognizes the architecture of several major cities: The Trump Tower, the Space Needle and the Empire State Building. And Maura knows that they must be Katherine's.

The overall effect is both overwhelming and beautiful. Maura wonders how many hours it's taken to put them up. She wonders when Jane has slept.

"She's unner tha bed!" Zoe squeals, dropping to her knees.

"ZOE!" Maya's disgruntled voice floats out from underneath the bed. "You're not apposed to help!" She crawls out from under the bed and comes to stand next to Maura, who is looking at a picture of the doorway of a brownstone.

"Thas where Mommy and Mama lived before they moved to Chicago and had me. Long before Zo."

Zoe toddles up too, and Maura feels a tiny hand slip into hers.

"Your mother did this?"

"She says it's okay cuz she used the kinda tape that dont make a mess." Maya says wisely. "Mommy took the best pictures. She won about…a thousand awards," Maya looks thoughtful, "I'm pretty sure that's how many."

"They are…" Maura cannot find the words for what this room does to her. She cannot find the words for a lot of things around Jane. Her brain tells her feet to move.

She cannot.

"Wanna see Mommy?" Maura looks down sharply at the question, but Maya is already scampering away, climbing up onto Jane's bed. She reaches under one of the pillows and pulls out a framed photo, the only one so far in color.

It's Jane and Katherine. Jane's wearing a Chicago PD t-shirt, but a Red Sox cap, and Katherine is dressed in a spring dress, yellow and flowing down to her calves. She is laughing opened mouth and Jane is pointing at her, the look on her face clearly saying. "You're mine."

"She's pretty, right?" Maya looks over the doctor's elbow. "Do I look like her?"

Maura is about to answer in the affirmative, when a sound in the door way makes her look up.

Jane is standing there. Hair still damp from her shower.  
She looks madder than Maura has ever seen her.

Maura does not want to walk towards Jane, not when she looks so angry, but she also cannot stay in the bedroom. She steps carefully around the brunette towards the hall, flinching when Jane reaches out to snatch the picture out of her hands.

This seems to make Jane angrier. She looks down at the picture, and then up at Maura, her face a little wild.

"I-I-I'm sorry," Maura stutters, backing up towards the kitchen. "We were playing hide and seek…it never occurred to me that Maya would have the cognitive ability to pick such an effective-"

But Jane cuts her off, advancing on her with her finger outstretched. "I was under the impression that, even though we are guests here, I would be afforded a modicum of privacy." She's holding the picture of Katherine in her left hand, and Maura notices her knuckles are white.

"Jane," she says, "It was an accident. I promise you that-"

"Don't promise me anything. Don't talk to me," Jane looks over her shoulder. "Maya!"

Maya comes immediately, and she doesn't look afraid so much as guilty.

"Mama, I wanted to play-"

But Jane shakes her head, bending to pick up a subdued looking Zoe. "Say good-bye to Dr. Isles." Jane's voice is ice.

"Jane, you are blowing this out of-"

"Maya!" Jane isn't listening, she's pointing at the doctor, her hand shaking a little.

Maya frowns, looking grumpy, but she mumbles, "Bye, Maura," quietly, and reaches out for her mother's hand.

Maura watches them go with wide eyes.

…

Frost is expecting her when she shows up at the precinct. She's called and told him to wait for her, and when she arrives, he waves her into the back room where Korsak is already sitting.

"Jane texted me, she says she blew up at you."

Maura hesitates and then nods. "She did."

"I'm sorry, Maur," Barry says, gesturing that she should sit down. "She's trying, I know she is, but being back in Boston is hard. And her mother and other brother haven't even tried to contact her since her blow up with Tommy…" He rubs the back of his neck. "She hasn't said anything, but I know that it's weighing on her."

"Barry," she says, and he looks up, meeting her eyes.

"If you could just give it like…a couple more weeks, I know that-"

"Barry," she says, cutting him off. "I am not here because I am throwing Jane out of my house. I enjoy her company. I enjoy her children immensely, you are not listening to me."

And Korsak puts his hand up, nodding as Frost falls silent. "What is it then, doc?"

She explains about this morning, the fight and then the room, and the photos everywhere.

Frost and Korsak are looking at each other, having a silent conversation without her.

"I need to know what happened," she says, and Frost looks at her hard.

"It's not really our story to tell," he says quietly.

Maura looks at Korsak. "Vince," she says, imploring. "You need to tell me what happened. She's living in my house."  
She looks at Frost who still looks apprehensive. "You can call her after," she bargains, "Tell her everything you told me, and tell her it's her choice to come ho-" Maura catches herself. "To come back. But I have a right to know."

There is a silence, and then Korsak nods again. "Alright, Doc," he says quietly. "Alright."

….

….

She drives and drives and drives. When Zoe calls out that she has to pee, she pulls over at the first burger place she sees and they have lunch, Maya going on about all the things she wants to do when 1st Grade starts, and Zoe nodding and giggling, and she should be happy! She should be so fucking proud that she's protected them so well.

But really it feels like they've forgotten. Really it feels like she's failed the first person who ever really saw her.

Six Months. Almost Seven. Maya turned six and Zoe turned tree and she turned 30 and Kate stayed gone. Like none of it mattered.

"Where we going, Mama?" She looks at them and they look back at her hopefully. They trust her.

She's failing them.

"To get ice cream," she says grinning. "duhhh."

Two shrieks of surprise and delight. two more hours of bliss. She lifts Zoe to her hip as they leave and a spasm of pain shoots down to her knee. She ignores it. She'd walk (again) on glass in bare feet. She'd crawl (again) through her blood and Kate's blood to get to these girls. She'll spend her money til it's gone.

Of course she will. They're everything.

_.._

_She comes around and someone is screaming. It takes her concussed brain a little longer to place the voice, but when she does her whole body goes cold.  
Kate. Screaming. _

_Begging. _

_"Please, please, I'll do anything. please." _

_Jane tries to move, but it's like her body has been struck by lightening. Nothing responds the way she wants it to. _

_"Jane!?" Kate's voice comes out of the darkness, pleading. "Janie? Talk to me, honey. Are you okay? Are you there? Jane!" _

_"Kat," she manages. _

_"Jane!" and new tears come to the detective's eyes because the overwhelming tone in her wife's voice is relief. "Baby, are you okay? are you okay?" _

_"I…" Jane tries to take stock, but her brain is slow to come back. "I think I got…I think I got tazed." _

_But the person who answers isn't Kate. The voice is male. And Jane knows the moment she hears it that it is a voice she will never stop hearing. Ever._

_"Very good, Detective Rizzoli," he says, and she can hear him moving closer. "And which one of the suspects you're currently tracking tazes and immobilizes his victims before torturing their spouses?" _

_Jane manages not to pass out, although the shock nearly forces her into unconsciousness. It can't be. How could he have…_

_"Charles," she growls. And even in the pitch darkness, she can picture his face. It's been on her evidence board for almost a month now. "Charles Hoyt…You touch my wife and I will kill you." _

_Hoyt chuckles, and across the room, she hears a thunk, and a grunt of pain from Kate. _

_"Jane? What's happening? Who are you? Jane?" _

_An apprentice. Jane feels the urge to be sick like someone has flipped a switch. _

_"Let her go," she growls into the darkness. "Let her go, I swear to God."_

_There is the creak of floorboards. when Hoyt speaks again, his voice is right by her ear._

_"Save that fire, Detective," he whispers, and he's so closer she can feel his lips on her skin. "We're going to have ourselves a night." _

..

She opens her eyes onto a felt grey ceiling. For a moment she panics, disoriented, intil it comes back. She is stretched out in the back of the car, baby on either side. They'd settled down for a nap, and Jane hadn't meant to sleep, but when she tilts her head, the sun is barely visible out of the car windshield.

"Mama?" Maya, waking up beside her.

"Hey smalls, guess I fell asleep too," she yawns. "You ok?"

Maya is silent, taking inventory. She's careful, like Katherine was. "Yes," she says quietly. "I'm hungry."

"Let's go get some dinner, yeah?"

But Maya rolls into her mother, "was this a special day? just for the three of us?" her little arms squeeze Jane's waist once.

"Yes," Jane says, taking the out. Realizing as she says it that it might be true.  
"Good," Maya says. "I love you, Mama."

And Jane can only kiss the side of the little head.

She would live for this little girl even when it didn't seem like there was anything to live for.

She has.

Jane swallows. trying to wrap her head around going back to Cambridge and facing the doctor.

She can't manage it. Not right now.

She sits up slowly, rubbing a hand down Zoe's back. The little girl stirs sleepily.

She finds them a smile. A real one. "Let's find some dinner."

….

….

It's dark when the idling of an engine rouses Maura from her sleep. She sits up on the couch so quickly that her neck cracks. She looks around, rubbing it. The clock on the cable box says 3:37am.

She glances at the window, even though she doesn't need the visual confirmation of what she already knows. Jane is back.

Maura doesn't immediately get up from the couch. She can hear the ignition still running on Jane's car and she's afraid that if she goes out into the drive, Jane will see her, and leave.

She looks down at the book in her hands, an old one from when she was still in school: _Loss and Grieving, Coping and Healing. _ She'd been reading the passage on losing a spouse when she'd drifted off, looking for something that could help her talk to Jane when she came home…back.

When she came back.

But the more she had read the more it had occurred to her that this situation was not something that she could fix with a sentence from a book. That Jane's pain and heartache went beyond the words for loss and pain and despair.

All the phrases seemed canned and hollow. Condescending. Nothing she read felt like something that would come out of her mouth naturally when she spoke to Jane.

_Yes, I know you're grieving. Have you tried yelling into a pillow until the feeling goes away?_

_Yes, I know you miss her, have you tried devoting 15 minutes a day to that loss? Holding yourself to that time limit, but taking the time to grieve?_

__Stupid. Like the author never lost a dog, let alone his other half.

The ignition turns off abruptly, and Maura stands, like that's her cue. She crosses through the hall to the front door and looks out. In the light from the motion sensing garage light, she can see Jane's silhouette in the front seat, her head bent forward against the steering wheel. Maura feels her chest tighten, and even though it crosses her mind that the detective might want some privacy, and that she's only returned here because she has no where else to go, Maura can't help but pull the front door open and step out onto the front walk.  
Jane looks up.

If they stay there like that, not moving, for a little while longer, the light will switch off and plunge them both back into darkness. For a moment, Maura almost wishes that would happen, that it might make things easier for both of them, if they didn't have to look at each other.

But Jane gets out of her car, just sort of, unfolds herself out of the driver's set, and stands looking at Maura in the bright light from the garage, and her eyes say "sorry," but her posture says "unless you want to fight."

She turns away, towards the back of the car, and Maura moves towards her, like some invisible force is pulling her forward.

They don't speak. Jane barely looks at her, but some how, they each know what to do. Jane pulls the back door open on the passenger side and Maura opens the door behind the driver's. Simultaneously, they lean in towards the sleeping children, Maura unclipping Zoe and lifting her out of her carseat like she's been doing it her whole life. Maya sighs in her sleep and holds tight to the detective's neck when she's lifted from the car, but Zoe is fully asleep and she doesn't stir. Not when Maura pushes the door open to the house, or when she stands in the doorway, watching Jane tuck Maya into the twin bed in her second guest room.

Jane straightens, and turns to look at Maura. Her eyes drift over the doctor, and Maura realizes she is swaying without being aware of it, unconsciously keeping the child in her arms asleep.

Realizing, she looks at Jane, swallowing hard, waiting for the other woman to come and snatch the baby from her, but Jane moves forward and steps past her gently, gesturing that she follow.

Zoe still in her arms, she follows the detective to her room next door, where a Pack 'n Play is set up by her bed. "She wakes up a lot, in the night," Jane's whisper is deep, Maura didnt think that was possible, and it sends shivers up her spine. The brunette doesn't try to take her daughter away, she steps aside, and Maura, carefully, terrified out of her mind, lowers the little girl into her makeshift bed.

Jane waits until Maura is finished pulling the blanket up around her and as stepped back before stepping forward and bending low to kiss her daughter good night. When she straightens, she looks at the toddler for a beat, before turning and striding out of the room. She doesn't wait for Maura, and the doctor hears the fridge in the kitchen open and shut before she makes her feet carry her after the brunette, closing the door to Jane's room softly behind her.

Back in the living room, Jane sinks onto the couch. She leans forward to sink her fingers into her hair, cradling her head. She's not crying, and after a long moment in the doorway, Maura comes to sit next to her on the couch. Jane rolls her shoulders, but does not move away.

"You don't have to sit with me."

Maura glances at the clock. 4:15. "Tomorrow, today rather, is my day off." Jane shakes her head once. "What kind of life is that?" she asks, sounding bitter. For a moment, Maura thinks she's talking about her job, but then she speaks again, her voice rough with disgust.

"Sleeping in the back of a car because their mother…" she can't finish and Maura finds herself answering without thinking.

"loves them very, very much," Maura fills in. "It's clear you love them very much."

"I want them to feel stable and safe and-"

"You are what they know," Maura is surprised by how fierce she sounds. "They feel safe and stable as long as they are with you. You must know that."

Before Maura can think, she has reached out and grasped Jane's wrist. It is the most intimate they've been since the night in the bar, and Maura is acutely aware of the heartbeat under her fingers, fast and strong.

"What you have learned to cope with would break a normal woman. It _has _broken many before you," Maura says hoping against hope that she doesn't sound like a text book. She tightens her grip around Jane's wrist, even though the other woman has not made any move to pull away. "You are…remarkable, and-" She pauses here, catching herself. She'd been about to say that Katherine would be proud of her, but her logical and empirical brain will not let her simply speak about something she knows nothing about. She takes a breath, and Jane looks around at her. Her face is exquisite. exhaustion and pain and fear and fury, all present in her eyes, and Maura thinks she could read every book in the world on loss and she would not be able to find the words to adequately describe the way it feels to sit on the couch next to this woman and watch her features crumble.

"I-I just want you to know," Maura starts again, "that _I…_am remarkably proud of you. Just with the little I know about you."

Jane's eyes widen, and the doctor thinks she's said the wrong thing, but then Jane drops her head, and her other hand comes to rest over Maura's still locked around her wrist.

Tentatively, Maura lifts her free hand, bringing it to rest gently on the back of Jane's neck. She marvels at the detective's self control. Her shoulders shiver once and then she is still, just breathing.

The doctor is so far out of her comfort zone she can't even see it anymore. It feels like every nerve ending she owns is in her hands. She forces herself to focus. To pull on what she's learned about Jane in the past seven weeks of knowing her.

The doctor wants to say she's sorry for going into Jane's room unannounced. That what she learned form Frost and Korsak today means nothing. That she has never had a relationship with anyone, that developed in the way theirs is.

She takes a breath.

"We should look into getting Zoe a little bed," She says quietly. "The Pack 'n Play is alright, but…she'd probably love something more…sturdy."

Maura waits a beat, and then looks up, heart hammering.

And the way Jane looks around at her, the way her eyes soften for a moment and the way she almost smiles…

Maura knows that she's been heard.


	6. Chapter 6

Nothing changes and everything changes. Maura is not sure she's ever been happier. She is not sure she's ever been more terrified or exhilarated or exhausted. The Rizzoli's continue to live downstairs in her house. They eat breakfast together every morning, and then the girls and Maura watch cartoons while Jane showers and changes. Jane stays sarcastic and teasing, but the hard edges of her humor soften a little. Her hackles come up less.

They buy a bed for Zoe, which Maura insists on paying for under the pretense that "It will be good to have in the future, should any one visit her with a young child."

She knows that Jane only accepts the situation because she believes that if when she moves out, the bed will stay. Maura sees it as one victory out of two that she needs to win.

So Maura buys Zoe a bed and long after the girls have fallen asleep on the couch, she and Jane are still putting it together. Maura's nighttime tea replaced with a blood red glass of wine, and Jane's beer nearby, sweating into the carpet.

The detective begins to get restless, Maura can feel it. She fixes the upstairs bathroom sink that leaks. She buys and installs an automatic garage door opener that the doctor can control from her phone. She puts the winter screens on all the windows in the house.

"You didn't have to do that Jane," Maura says after each one of these services is completed. And after each one, Jane rolls her eyes and shrugs her shoulders.

"Now you don't have to call someone," she says gruffly, and Maura puts her hand on Jane's arm for a second, before thanking her again and moving off. Maura wants to ask if she plans on going back to work, Frost has said the captain is just waiting for her to call, but she finds no appropriate time to bring it up.

For the first time in her life, Maura enjoys her time off more than her time at work. Before, the hours she spent in the morgue, speaking into her Dictaphone felt oddly social to her. She is an only child, and a decidedly solitary person, and she used to think that all she needed to keep her happy was fulfilling work and tolerable reading material.

Now, however, her days off find her tagging along to the park, or the pool, running around after Zoe at the aquarium, or buying Maya a popsicle down at the pier. The girls ask Jane every day what they are doing that day, and the brunette does not fail to deliver, pulling a new adventure out of nowhere each day, and the doctor always wonders how long she's been planning, if she lies awake at night, thinking about it.

It's true that the night before each of her days off, Maura does not get a lot of sleep herself. And when she descends the stairs in the morning, smiling her usual greeting at Zoe and Maya, she fully expects that that day will be the one where she is not invited to whatever it is Jane has planned.

But without fail, week after week, the same scene takes place, and today is no different. Maura finishes her breakfast, and offers to do the dishes, which Jane declines with a slight smile.

"Seriously, Dr. Isles, I like to do dishes."

Maura looks skeptical. "If you're sure," she says, like always.

Jane turns away from her to the sink, but the smile is evident in her voice. "I'm sure, I'm sure," she replies. Maura gets the shivers.

She excuses herself and heads to her study off the living room, and she hasn't even pulled her chair up to the desk when she hears Maya's excited voice ringing down the hall.

"Mama."

"Maya."

"she din't go to work." Maura smiles, trying not to get too hopeful, even though she can never help it.

"Who, hon?" Jane, pretending they don't have the same conversation every five days.

"Maura! She din't go to work this morning."

"It must be her day off." still nonchalant, although the smile is back.

A pause here, and Maura listens to the dishes clink softly in the sink. She has a dishwasher, of course, but Jane always does the breakfast dishes by hand, carefully stacking them in the drying rack as she goes.

"Mama?" Maya again, voice excited.

"Maya."

"What are doing today?"

"I thought we'd go to the movies," Jane says softly.

"Movie! Movie!" Zoe pipes up excitedly. Maura hears her little fists on the counter. "Movies!" The dining room chair creaks a little as Maya bounces up and down on it excitedly. "Mama, can we ask Maura to come with us? please?"

The first time the little girl had asked this, Maura was sure that Jane would say no, that this time was for them to spend together. But there had been a little pause, and then Jane had said, a little quieter, the same way she does today.

"What are you going to do if she says she's too busy."

Maya answers immediately, and her recitation always makes Maura chuckle to herself. "Not pester her," she says dully. "Let her be."

And Jane must nod this time, because Maura has barely enough time to spin around to her desk to feign work, before the thump of Maura's tiny feet stops outside of her doorway.

"Maura!" she begins, and the doctor turns to her, her features fixed in what she hopes is a look of casual surprise.

"What can I do for you, Maya?"

"Did you knock?" Jane's voice calls down the hall.

"Yes, Ma!" Maya calls back exasperated, and she shoots a guilty little look at the doctor.

Maura smiles and puts a finger too her lips. _Our secret._

The little girl giggles. "Maura, want to come to the movies with Zoe and Mama and me?"

Maura taps her pen on her desk. "What movie?" she asks, trying to look like she's considering it.

Maya's face falls minutely. "I dunno," she says, frowning. "I guess we hadn't picked one yet."

The doctor turns to her computer, beckoning the little girl across the threshold. "Come here," she says powering the screen on. "Let's see what's playing."

Maya comes at once, and instead of simply standing next to Maura's chair, she scrabbles up into the doctor's lap, leaning her head back against her collar bone as they wait for the website.

"What's your favorite movie of all time?" Maya asks, reaching back to twirl some of the doctor's hair around her finger.

"Oh," Maura says, trying to think of the last time she actually sat down to watch a movie the entire way through. "I…I haven't watched a movie in…years."

Maura can see the little girl's scandalized face in the screen of the computer. "Wha?" she scrunches up her nose. "But your TV is about the size of the earth."

She says earth like 'earf' and Maura laughs, reaching out to navigate the mouse.

"Usually I just watch parts of documentaries and take notes," she says absently, pulling up the list of movies.

"That doesn't sound very fun."

Maura considers. _Does_ she have fun doing that? "It's…interesting," she says after a while. "I like to be prepared if anyone has a question at work."

"About what?" Maya asks.

Maura hesitates, wondering how a six year old could make her question everything about her life. "Uh…about anything, I suppose."

"well," the girl considers. "When are you prah-pared-ed for fun?"

The doctor has no answer. It does not seem to matter though, because the movie list is up, and Maya leans forward excitedly, struggling through the list of movies, her finger tracing the letters on the screen.

"eyeee, eyesssss ah—guh," she sounds out, her little face squinted in concentration. Maura wants to kiss the side of her head.

"Try again, honey," she says encouragingly. "a 'g' can make another sound, right?"

Maya redoubles her effort. "eyeesss. Ay-ge…Ice….ageee." Her face lights up. "Ice age! Ice age! Can we see that one?"

Maura nods, steadying the chair as Maya bounces. "yes, yes, alright." She spins towards the door. "Go tell your-"

But she catches her breath. Jane is in the doorway holding Zoe by the hand.

"Mama!" Maya cries. "Ice Age five is playin…Maura says we can go!"

Jane grins, though it doesn't quite reach her eyes. She steps to the side. "Then you better go get dressed!"

Maya shrieks with excitement. "C'mon, Zo!" she cries, and the adults watch as they tear off down the hall.

Jane tries to smile. Her eyes meet Maura's and then look away.

Maura wrings her hands. Jane looks…profoundly sad.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to choose the movie without you," Maura says, because the silence seems uncomfortable and she can't figure out why. "If that movie is inappropriate, I can definitely tell her that I made a mis-"

"She's comfortable," Jane cuts across her, like she hasn't heard, and though her face looks pained, her voice is not angry or upset.

"What?" Maura is completely at a loss. "Who-"

"Maya," Jane's eyes meet hers briefly, before returning to a spot over her shoulder, "She's really comfortable with you."

And there is nothing to say to this. It's the truth.

It is also the truth that Maura enjoys the little girl immensely, and would not want that to change. But she looks at Jane's face, and her heart breaks a little. She wonders for the umpteenth time what it must be like, and she casts around for something to say that would smooth the moment over. 'I'm not trying to replace Katherine,' seems too forward and much too early, presumptuous to a fault. But 'I enjoy Maya very much,' seems stilted and polite. A non-answer.

But Jane moves before she has the chance to say anything. Running a hand through her hair and turning away. "It's good," she murmurs, and her voice is so low that Maura thinks maybe she's misheard her. But she says it again, like she's reassuring herself. "It's good." She glances back, "You're ready to go in thirty?"

Maura nods. "Sure…whenever."

Jane raises an eyebrow, her eyes shifting to take in the linen dress and cashmere sweater that Maura chose that morning. "You should change," she says, almost smiling.

Maura looks down at herself and back up, confused, and Jane laughs. The sound gives Maura goose bumps.

"We're going to the movies with my girls," she says still chuckling, and Maura allows herself a shy smile.

"It's the movies," she says smoothing her dress for something to do. "Surely-"

"You've never been to the movies with children have you?" Jane's lips twitch, giving her teasing away. Maura tries not to focus on them.

"No," she says, "but-"

But Jane waves her down. "Trust me, Dr. Isles," she says turning and heading after her children. "change your clothes."

…

Five minutes into the movie Zoe spills her bottle of Frutopia juice all over her seat, soaking half of the doctor's pants.

When the villain in the movie, a sinister looking saber tooth tiger, jumps in from off screen, both girls scramble into the women's laps, Maya's butter popcorn hands coming to wrap around Maura's neck.

Zoe holds her M&Ms far too long, and the doctor thinks that whoever decided on the slogan "melt in your mouth not in your hands," never had a three year old.

But they emerge from the movie, Zoe on Jane's shouldera, Maya clinging tight to Maura's hand, words tumbling from her mouth so fast that the doctor can catch only three out of every ten. And Jane leans over to her and pulls a piece of popcorn out of her hair, grinning and rolling her eyes, not apologizing.

And Maura wants to do it all over again.

"Jane? Jane Rizzoli?"

The detective turns towards her name, and Maura turns too, to see a short blonde man walking towards them. His smile is huge. "It is you!" he says happily, "I didn't know you moved from Chicago."

Jane's eyes are narrow, and Maura feels her heart rate increase.

"Do I know you?"

The man laughs, "No. Not at all, but I've been following you!" His grin gets wider at the look on her face. "In the paper?" he clarifies. "Boy you sure are famous."

Jane relaxes an inch. "Infamous, maybe," she corrects, "excuse me." She turns back to Maura, gesturing that they should continue.

"Are these your kids?" He's walking along with them, Maura sees Jane's hands tighten on Zoe's ankles. "Oh man, how gorgeous. Your whole family is gorgeous…_was_ gorgeous."

Jane lifts Zoe from her shoulders in a swift and graceful move and Maura accepts the little girl as if she knew the move was coming all along. She holds Maya's hand tighter, shushing her when she goes to speak.

Jane whirls on him, advancing fast enough to back him into a wall against the elevator. He puts his hands up, but the grin doesn't leave his face. "Woah woah," he says good naturedly, like she's overreacting to a joke. "I didn't mean anything by it."

"What do you want?" She growls, and her face is stony.

"Just to meet the most bad ass cop in the nation. They're calling you a national hero, detective. Did you know that?"

She growls without words this time, and Maura wonders how this man is not terrified.

"Even though I thought you should have killed him…you know…" The man grins a little wider, "end it there, and be done…no pesky revenge ideas."

And Jane's hands shoot out to wrap around his neck. She lifts him off his feet, stuttering and gasping.

"Jane!" Maura cries.  
"Mommy!" Maya yelps.

And Jane drops him almost as quickly as she has lifted him. She steps away from him, looking guilty, but still furious.

"Stay away from my family," she says, turning away from where he's kneeling on the floor, gasping for breath.

She turns back to Maura and her children, and as she approaches, Maya raises her arms to be held. Jane obliges with a sharp intake of breath. She tries to soften her tone when she speaks, but Maura can hear the fury still soaking her words.

"Hey, little bug," she says, "What about we get you some back to school stuff while we're out."

Maya looks over her mother's shoulder as they get on the elevator.

"Who's that man, Mama?"

Jane looks at Maura. Maura looks back with wide eyes. She realizes that she is breathing hard.

"No one important. Just a cook," Jane says lightly, but when they step off the escalator, her free hand finds the small of the doctor's back. "It's alright," she says quietly, and when Maura looks around at her, she realizes that Jane is speaking directly to her.

"I'm okay," she says, and Jane's head tilts ever so slightly towards Maya, her arms still tight around the detective.

"Maya," The doctor is surprised at how light her voice is. "You don't want to go shopping?" she leans a little to catch the girl's eye. "We could look for shoes…"

Maya's face lights up. "Shoes!" she says.

"zoo?" Zoe's perks up.

Jane smiles like relief. "Shoes it is."

Maura wonders what it's like to care more about another person than you ever have about yourself.

…

The car ride home is quiet. They turned the outing into a day. New outfits for Maya and a big foam puzzle for Zoe to put together.

"This won't fit in her room," Jane had said when Maura had insisted on buying it.

"So will do it in the living room," She'd replied. Jane hadn't said anything else, but her eyes had stayed on the doctor for some time after.

Now, as they pull out of the shopping center, it starts to rain, gentle at first and then big wet drops on the windshield. Maya has fallen asleep and Zoe is almost there, she babbles to herself incoherently in the back.

"I love it when she gets tired like that," Jane says from the passenger seat, glancing at her daughter in the rearview mirror, "babbles herself to sleep." Jane smiles out her window, sudden and genuine. Maura's fingers go a little numb around the steering wheel.

"Studies have shown that children who self soothe from a young age have better problem solving skills when they get older, and are less prone to violent outbursts or dangerous, spontaneous behavior."

There is a silence in which the doctor can feel Jane's eyes on the side of her face. She's glad it is dark enough that her flush is somewhat hidden in the shadows. Jane studies her with an intensity she's never felt before, and then,

"Do you have a study for everything, Dr. Isles?"

Maura's blush deepens. "Not everything," she says a little hotly. "I like data," she pauses, wondering if that's true or if it's something she told herself when not getting invited to social gatherings began to hurt too much. She gives her head a little shake, pressing on. "I like the collection and organization of data. It makes me feel-" but she breaks off here, thinking she's said too much.

Jane is quiet, and for a while it's just the windshield wipers against the glass and the steady pounding of rain on the hood of the car.

"batting cage," Jane says suddenly into the silence.

"Excuse me?" Maura steals a glance at her.

"My thing is the batting cages. Whenever I felt like…my mother wasn't listening or, my Pop was on my back," she takes a breath, "I'd go to these old batting cages down in Jamaica Plain and I'd just…hit and hit. It was only 50 cents for sixty balls back then," Jane looks at her sheepishly. "Anyway, I'm just saying, if you really like studies and numbers and such, that's cool, you can keep throwing them at me," she rolls her shoulders uncomfortably. "But…you know…if you do it because you think you should…or because you think you won't be interesting without them…" Jane pauses, her fingers interlocking. "Well, that's not true…at all." Her voice drops off at the end, and she turns her head away, towards the window, but Maura still hears her.

The doctor opens her mouth to say thank you. To say that she is sure the detective has no idea how much that means to her. But she is too moved. She is so touched, in fact, that she is not sure she really understood the emotion until right this moment. She opens her mouth, and what comes out is.

"Your children haven't forgotten her, Jane."

_Shit._

Jane turns her head slowly, and Maura resists the urge to drive them directly off the road and into a tree. She keeps her eyes on the road, cursing herself. She stops at a red light. The rain comes down harder.

"Say that again," Jane's voice shakes a little, and it is so quiet that it could be part of the weather.

Maura looks at her. "What?"

"Say that again, Maura." The words could be a threat, but Jane's voice is not threatening…it's pleading. She's pleading with her.

"Maura reaches across the arm rest to put her hand on Jane's arm. She does not think she imagine that Jane leans in. Just a little.

"Your children haven't forgotten her. They will never forget her. Not even Zoe."

Jane's eyes are wet. Maura pretends she can't see.

"Do you have studies to back that up, Dr. Isles?"

Everything is different. Everything stays the same. Maura grins. The light turns green.

"Yes," she says, happy for the first time, that she knows almost everything.  
"Yes, I do."

…

The rain is letting up by the time they get home. Maura pulls into the driveway, and goes to unbuckle her seatbelt, but she catches sight of a figure out her window, blurred by the rain, but getting closer.

"Jane," she says, thinking of the man at the movie theatre who'd followed them. "Outside…" She glances back at the girls instinctually. They are still asleep. Jane is looking out the window, her face blank.

Maura feels a tingle of panic. "Should I call-"

But Jane is shaking her head. "No," she says quickly. No, it's alright."

"Who is that?" she asks, watching as Jane unbuckles her seatbelt with shaking hands. "Are you sure it's alright?"

Jane gives her a swift smile, and pushes the door of the car open. "Yeah," she says quietly. "Yeah it's okay…it's my brother."


	7. Chapter 7

Frankie Rizzoli looks a lot like his older sister.

That's Maura's first thought as she unbuckles Zoe from her car seat and pulls her out. The little girl stirs, but sleeps on, and Maura comes around the car to where Jane is standing with Maya, staring at her brother.

"What are you doing here, Frankie?" She asks, and Maura thinks she looks a little regretful at how harsh the words come out.

Frankie doesn't seem put out. "Not even going to invite me in, Jane?" he almost manages to pull off the confidence those words need, but his eyes betray him. He's nervous.

Jane shoots a look at Maura who nods. "Of course you can come in," she says warmly, even if her own nerves are twanging inside of her like a banjo.

"Yeah, yeah," Jane says wearily. "Come in, little brother."

They all enter the house together, and Jane gestures that Frankie should wait in the front hall while she and Maura put the girls down. The doctor follows Jane down the hall into Maya's room, watching as she pulls off the little girls socks and shoes.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion," she whispers, maneuvering the covers with one hand.

"Not at all," Maura says, smiling a little as Jane bends to kiss the tiny forehead. "If you want to go see about him, I can put Zoe down."

Jane hesitates, but the pull of her brother seems to be too much. She nods, and steps forward to kiss Zoe's cheek.

"Thank you," she says quietly, and she steps back out, into the hall.

Maura listens to her footsteps fade away, before crossing the room to Zoe's little bed. She settles the toddler under the covers, Zoe's hands clasp and release the air. She frowns a little.

"mamamamamam," she says, her voice a little hoarse.

"Shhh, little b," Maura says without thinking, reaching to smooth her hair away from her face. "You're alright."

She straightens, and for a moment she thinks maybe she should just stay in the room until she hears Frankie leaving, but something inside of her will not let her be still. She'd sensed Jane's unease as they came into the house.

She wants to be with her now.

And so, as Maura comes back down the hall from Maya's room, she hears Jane's voice starting the rise, the telltale tremor of fury evident, even from a distance. Maura stops in the doorway to the living room, watching as Jane springs off the couch, finger pointing at her brother.

"God, who the hell do you think you are?" Jane's eyes flash dangerously, "You can't just come in here and tell me what to do with my life."

Frankie holds his ground, and Maura has to give him credit for this, Jane looks furious."Frost said you haven't called the captain yet," Frankie counters, "He says you haven't even come around the precinct more than a handful of times."

"God, Frost has been doing a lot of talking, hasn't he."

Frankie's face darkens, "He managed to keep his mouth shut for the past five weeks. Didn't even want to tell me where you were after Tommy said he'd seen you."

"I needed space."

"We're your family. We tried to come down for the funeral…couldn't get a word out of anyone about where it-"

"I didn't want you there." Jane growls, and her features twist a little bit with her pain. "I didn't want anyone there."

Frankie is silent for a moment. "I didn't come here to fight."

Jane snorts. "No, you came here to make me feel like an asshole for trying to be happy."

"I came here to make sure you're not hiding. The Jane I know wouldn't have-"

But he's said the wrong thing. Maura can tell it by the way Jane freezes, as if her anger as reached such a height that it now has the power to paralyze her.

"The Jane you know is gone," she says icily. "She died with Katherine." She is so angry that her voice doesn't even shake on her wife's name.

"Bullshit," Frankie says. "That's bullshit Jane. You're one of the most-"

But Jane turns away from him, her hand waving through the air like she could banish his words in its wake.

The quiet that falls is eerie. Frankie looks like he wants to say much, much more, but doesn't know how to approach the moment. Jane looks as lost as Maura feels. Never, in any of the homes that she's lived in, have the rooms been filled with such…_life_.

She does not know how to navigate this space, and the lack of knowledge leaves her scared and on edge. She hovers in the doorway, torn between interference and observation…or running away altogether.

"Should I get us something to drink?" she hears the words coming out of her mouth before she can stop them, and although Frankie looks at her like she has three heads, Jane's face softens into something like affection.

"Thanks, Doctor," she says softly, and as Maura retreats to the kitchen, she realizes that Jane had understood her discomfort, and had given her an exit strategy. She does not expect Maura to return.

She stands in the kitchen feeling lightheaded and short of breath. Is this how families work? Were there always such moments that would tear at the heart? She hears Frankie take a breath in the living room, and although she tries not to listen, she finds she can help herself.

"A lot happened while you were gone, Jane."

"To me too."

Silence. Maura reaches into the cabinets and pulls out three coffee cups off the shelf, trying to make as little noise as possible. She tells herself that this is because she wants brother and sister to feel as though they have some privacy, but truly it's because she wants to hear what they say, and doesn't want them to stop talking. She feels a sort of territorial protection over Jane. The woman has been through so much, she doesn't want anything more to hurt her. Moreover, she realizes with a jolt, _she_ wants to be the one to keep any other misfortunes from befalling the brunette.

"How is she?" Jane is trying to sound disinterested, but she fails.

"Pop left Ma, Jane."

"When?" Jane sounds carefully interested.

"Three or four years ago…I-I tried to call you, but the number I had for you was…it-"

"I had to change a couple times," Jane's voice has dropped, "work."

"Yeah…I figured."

Maura puts the water on the stove, leaning against the counter, waiting, trying to ignore the way her heart is pounding in her chest. She tries to focus on her breathing, but is unable. She wants to go back out into the living room.

She wants Jane to know that she supports her, no matter where the conversation is headed. This new awareness of her feelings makes the doctor grip the counter even harder. She closes her eyes, hearing Frankie start to speak again.

"We're not the same family we were when you left," he sounds a little desperate. "Tommy's grown up. He's got a good job. And Ma-"

"Isn't here," Jane's voice is bitter, "I notice that it's just you tonight."

"She's…scared, Janie. She's…yeah, okay" He says and Maura can only imagine the look that Jane has given him. "She's pissed. But her anger is coming from fear. You know it is. She went along with Pop's line for so long. She missed the birth of her second grandchild for chrissakes. I don't think she ever thought it would get this far. She-"

"She have any others?"

"What?"

Jane sighs, "Do you or Tommy have kids yet?"

"No," Frankie says this quietly, a little regretfully. "Nah, just you, Jane."

More silence. Maura can hear the water in the kettle starting to boil.

"Janie. You gotta understand. Ma was-"

"And what if Pop hadn't left," Jane cuts across him, her voice rising again.

"What?"

"You said Pop left Ma. So she didn't see the error of her ways and miss her daughter so much that she couldn't take Pop's bullshit any longer."

"Jane."

"No," the brunette's voice is final and Maura has never wanted to see anyone more than she wants to go in and see Jane now. "No," Jane says again. "If Pop hadn't left him, she'd still be with him now, feeling sorry for herself that I couldn't just lock away my feelings to keep her happy."

"You're being unfair," Frankie says, but his voice holds no conviction. "You're not giving her a chance."

"She didn't give _me_ a chance, Frankie. She chose him. Over me."

"And what about us, Jane?"

A slight pause. "You and me?"

"And Tommy. You're back in Boston. We got two nieces we've never even met…one we didn't even know about. We're just supposed to go about our business, knowing you're in the same city and we can't see you?"

"I didn't say you couldn't see me," Jane sounds exhausted. Maura realizes that she's been gripping the coffee cup in her hands so hard that her fingernails are white. She sets it down as the tea kettle begins to whistle, and she pulls it off the stove hastily.

"You can see the girls…I'm sure they'd be thrilled to know you." The detective sounds like she's working to keep several emotions at bay. Frankie doesn't answer right away.

"I missed you, Jane," he says quietly. "And…I liked Kate."

It's several more admissions than just those two, and Jane doesn't answer for a moment.

"You should go," Jane, Neutral. Maura feels her heart break. She listens as Frankie moves towards the door. She hears the creak of the hinges, and then,

"Here, Frankie," Jane's voice, the rustling of fabric. "I know you're going to Ma's. Take this for her, so she can see her grandkids."

It must be a picture that Jane hands him, and Maura hears Frankie chuckle. "Ma didn't send me," he says with a little bravado.

"Yeah okay," Jane replies sarcastically, "well when you _don't _drop by to tell her how this went, you can show her her grandchildren."

"I'll see you around?" Hopeful, all younger brother, Maura smiles.

"Yeah," Jane says gently. "You will."

The doctor hears the door shut softly, and then silence, then the unmistakable sound of Jane's boots in the hall, coming down towards the kitchen.

"You didn't have to run away, you know," and Maura turns to find Jane leaning on the doorframe, her drown eyes drifting over Maura's face. "It was just my brother."

Maura flushes, "I wanted…I wanted to give you some privacy."

Jane smiles, a real, genuine smile that makes the doctor a little weak. "So you what, stole into the kitchen so you could listen in on our privacy?" She laughs as Maura looks stricken.

"It's alright, Doctor, it's your house. You can do what you like."

"Don't be ridiculous," Maura turns away to the fridge, tea forgotten, "this is as much my house as it is yours. I should have given you the space you-" she turns with the beer in her hands to find that Jane has moved closer, and she loses her train of thought. "You-ah…here," she holds out the beer, and Jane steps forward to take it. "We're guests," she says, and it takes Maura a moment to retrace the conversation. When she realizes she shakes her head firmly.

"Maya's address on her school forms is this house," she says, like that proves it. "You have a right to all of it as long as you're here."

For a second, it looks like Jane is going to argue, but then she sighs, leaning back against the counter. She brings the bottle to her lips, but doesn't drink. Maura forces herself to look away.

"I love my family," she says to the top of her beer. "I didn't leave because I didn't love them."

Maura nods at the sink, not trusting herself to turn. "Of course you do."

"You must think I'm heartless to keep the girls away from their family."

And Maura can't help but spin around at this assumption. "Of course I don't think that." She puts the coffee cups away slowly.  
"I just…I felt like I couldn't breathe. I wanted to be a great detective, I wanted to marry my girlfriend," she sighs. "And I didn't want to feel guilty for any of that."

Maura nods, reaching into a new cabinet for a wine glass. If Jane notices her subtle push towards their nightly routine, she says nothing. She looks at the doctor over the lip of her bottle.

"What are your parents like?"

The question catches Maura off guard and she almost spills the wine she's pouring. "I…" Out of the corner of her eye she sees Jane looks apologetic.

"You don't have to talk about them, if it's painful."

Maura shakes her head, "it is neither painful nor pleasant," she says, turning to Jane. "They were, very busy, and I was…very independent." She tries to smile and is not sure if she's successful. Jane is looking at her, her expression unreadable.

"I was a science geek," she says, pulling on the names that others used to call him. "What's that man's name who helps Dr. Frankenstein?" She casts around, "An Igor." She looks at Jane who's impassivity as slipped into a frown. She hurries to smooth over the moment.

"It's alright. I preferred to be alone. Less variables."

This doesn't seem to make it better. Jane sets her beer down on the counter, spinning it a full 360 degrees before she lets it go. When she looks up at Maura, she is still frowning.

"Don't call yourself those names, Maura," she says, she picks up her beer bottle and arcs it perfectly into the recycling bin with a little clang.

"It sounds pretty painful to me," she says as she turns away.

And Maura has been wrong about her this whole time. She was not a playground bully. Not at all.

She follows the brunette into the living room, watching as she runs her hands through her hair and sinks onto the couch.

"Could I go back?" She asks, and Maura doesn't answer right away as it appears that Jane is asking the rug. But then dark wide eyes look up into hers, questioning.

"Could I go back?"

Maura opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.

Jane doesn't look away. "You know everything that happened. Between the news and Frost and Korsak…" She looks away, face darkening. "Could I go back, Doctor Isles?"

Maura grips her wine glass hard. "I-I didn't read all that came out…" she stammers and Jane fixes her with an incredulous look.

"Don't give me that, Doctor, you read everything there is to read. You're telling me that for the two weeks I _was_ the news, you what, boycotted the press?"

Maura shakes her head. "I don't want to presume to know-"

"_Presume," _Jane says forcefully, and then, a little softer. "Please. Presume."

Her eyes are the most beautiful eyes that Maura has ever seen. She comes to sit on the couch next to Jane, setting her wine glass down on the coffee table.

She tries to weigh her options rationally. She can say what she thinks, she can tell Jane the truth…and risk a blow up like the one that happened with Frankie. Or she can deflect, and maybe spend the rest of the evening with Jane. The doctor tries to focus rationally on the situation; what would be best for the woman in front of her, but it's very hard when she's so close, eyes trained on the doctor's face.

"I-" she looks up, and Jane is looking back at her, and she realizes she doesn't have a choice at all.

"You were, bv all accounts a very good, very effective detective," she says carefully. "You're the youngest recruit to be promoted in Chicago PD history."

Jane rolls her shoulders as though this does not matter. Maura presses on, "But…having met you, Jane. I don't think it's your reaction time or your instincts or even your aim that made you a good detective." She looks up at the brunette who is looking back at her with wide eyes.

"You have a sort of," she hesitates, and Jane nods slightly, miniscule encouragement. "I think that you have an innate ability to connect to each one of your cases on a level that your colleagues, that many people in general, lack. It's a cross between empathy and determination…and It drives you and supports you and…" Maura shakes her head, looking away. "Of course what happened knocked you off your feet; it would do that to anyone, of course. But…I don't think you'll ever really allow yourself to heal if you don't go back and at least _see_ if detective Rizzoli is still in you."

Jane drops her head, not saying anything.

"Maya goes back to school next week," Maura says quietly, "You've fixed about everything you can around here." She leans a little closer to the brunette. "Don't you…don't you want to _know_, Jane?"

Maura reaches out, to offer some kind of comfort, but Jane stands up abruptly, looking away. "I'm really tired," she says, her voice gruff.

Maura feels like she's been plunged underwater. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

She stands too, trying to make it better, but Jane shakes her head, already heading away. "No. I-I'm sorry. I should go to bed." She moves away quickly, like the more distance between them, the better.

"Good night, Jane," Maura says and she doesn't even bother keeping the hurt or the confusion out of her voice.

Jane hesitates, back to the doctor, and it seems like she might turn around, but, "Good night."

…

Nothing wakes her up.

She is awake all of a sudden, and the night is dark and silent around her. She glances out the window, at the streetlights in the distance, and then, without knowing quite why, she pushes the covers back and climbs out of bed.

She's almost two thirds of the way down the stairs when she hears the noise, coming from the kitchen, and quiet enough that it could be negligible if she weren't paying attention. It's definitely not what woke her up.

She descends the rest of the stairs quickly and rounds the corner. She reaches for the light, but stops dead, when she sees what's making the noise.

Jane Rizzoli is standing, hands braced against the counter by the refrigerator, crying.

No, Maura steps a little closer. She's not just crying. She's sobbing, the kinds of heavy shaky breaths that make one feel like they're going to be sick.

As Maura watches, the brunette puts a hand over her mouth, like she's seen something horrible, and the tears continue to fall.

"Oh," Maura says, before she can stop herself, and Jane turns to her with a gasp of surprise.

"I-I'm sorry," Maura stutters as Jane stares at her. "I woke up and I-"

"I can't remember Kate's middle name," The words seem dragged from her, against her will. "I-I mean, I remembered…after a second, but I had to think." She leans towards fury for a moment and then seems to give it up. Her hands curl and uncurl.

"I forgot." She says, so quietly that she might not have spoken at all. She turns away from the doctor, her shoulders shaking again.

Maura has crossed the room in four short steps, without thinking about it, without speaking, and her arms come up of their own volition, and wrap around the detective's waist.

"Hey," she whispers quietly, pressing her head in between the sharp blades of Jane's shoulders. "Hey…" She doesn't say it's alright or don't cry or it will get better, all standard things she's heard other people say when comforting. She cannot bring herself to say any of them. Not one of them is true. She's never comforted anyone. Not in her life. And as the back underneath her shivers, she feels panic and fear begin to rise inside of her like mercury. She can't do this. What is she doing. She _shouldn't _be doing this.

What. is. she. _doing_?

But then Jane spins in her arms. Spins and pulls them together, pressing her face into the bend of Maura's shoulder and neck, her sobs rocking them both, and without thinking, Maura's hands slide up into the hair at the base of Jane's head and she knows.

"Easy," she whispers, feeling Jane shudder against her. "Easy, sweetheart. Easy…keep breathing." She sways them back and forth gently. Whispering nothing.

Jane's fingers pull at her back and shoulders. "I…" she begins, and the hot burst of air against her neck makes Maura pull away and stagger back a little, pulling in her own breath like she's in pain.

Jane looks stricken. "I'm sorry." she says, and she puts her hands up. They are shaking. "I-I'm…"

But Maura shakes her head, reaching out, taking one of Jane's hands in her own. Automatically, her fingers searching for and finding a pulse, faster than it should be. She squeezes Jane's wrist, backing up, pulling the detective after her.

"No," she says, and the darkness calls for whispering. She doesn't want to break the spell. "It's alright…come here…come with me."

Jane follows like a sleepwalker, new tears dripping down her face, hair dark and wild and beautiful. Maura cannot look away from her.

She should feel pity and fear and guilt, but instead she can only feel her blood pounding in every vein in her body like: _yes yes yes._

She leads them both to the couch, and when Jane stands there, looking unsure, Maura reaches out and pushes her shoulder's gently, sitting her down. as soon as she's down, Jane curls in on herself, hands coming to cover her eyes.

Maura moves quickly, sitting down too and pulling one of Jane's hands away from her face. She turns the hand over in hers, marveling at the length of the woman's fingers, the delicate lines of her palms. Without thinking, she brings the skin to her lips, just barely, and as she does so, she lifts her head to look up at Jane.

The other woman's eyes flutter closed at the contact. Maura kisses her palm again, a little harder. Jane shudders and begins to cry again. New tears, for a new reason.

And Maura reaches out, and pulls the dark head into her lap, running one hand through the mess of curls, the other beginning to massage at the base of the skull.

"Maur," muddled with tears, but distinct and comfortable. Her name. No…

A nickname.

"Shh, honey," she says quietly, and her fingers knead the base of Jane's skull. "Go to sleep."

And Jane rolls so her knees are pressing into the back of the couch, and her hands comes up swiftly to cup the side of Maura's face, thumb sliding once over her cheekbone.  
Then her hand drops to the couch, and her eyes fall shut, and she gives herself over to sleep, as Maura has asked.

The doctor leans her head back against the couch, fingers continuing their work even as Jane's breathing becomes deep and even.

She is not aware when unconsciousness takes her as well.


	8. Chapter 8

MAMA?"

The cry nearly levitates Maura into the air, and before she can get her bearings it comes again, high and terrified.

"MAMA? MOMMY! MAMA!" A child. Crying. Screaming.

The doctor sits up stiffly, opening her eyes in time to see the blurry form of Jane sprinting around the corner into the hall.

"Maya," she calls back, and Maura rubs at her eyes, disoriented. "Maya, honey, I'm here. I'm right here."

The couch. Maura realizes she's on the couch, and as the rest of the night comes back to her, she jumps to her feet too. "Oh God," she says quietly running her hand over her eyes. "Oh, no."

The doctor hurries after Jane, rounding the corner on one of the saddest scenes she thinks she will ever see.

Maya stands, looking into Jane's empty room with a look of complete and total terror.  
"Mama?"

"Right here," Jane is breathless as she moves towards her daughter, "I'm right here, honey."

Maura watches as Jane drops to her knees arms outstretched, and Maya runs into them, burying her face in her mother's dark curls.

"No, Mama," she's sobbing, "no. Don't die too, don't die too. Don't be dead."

Maura braces herself against the doorframe with a shaking hand. She might fall over if she doesn't.

Jane sits back on her heels, pulling her child closer, swaying a little, and Maura can't see her face but she can hear her clearly as she comforts her daughter. "No, smalls. Hey…I'm right here. I was just in the living room. I didn't go anywhere. I just fell asleep in the living room…shh. I'm not going anywhere."

"Mommy," Maya sobs into Jane's shoulder, and Maura is not sure if she's asking for more comfort or professing her sorrow. "Mommy, mommy. Come back!"

Down the hall a little ways, A tousle-haired and sleepy eyed Zoe sticks her head around the door frame.

"Mommy?" hopeful dark eyes scan the scene, sweeping first over Maura and then Jane and Maya on the floor. Zoe looks a little disappointed, and then worried, and she steps closer to her mother and sister, dragging her favorite stuffed bunny by the ear.

"Ma?"

Jane shifts with the sort of ease that only comes from having done the move a million times. She holds a free hand out to her youngest, the other arm still fastened securely around Maya, and Zoe folds herself into Jane too.

"My girls," Jane says quietly, letting herself sit back against the wall. "Such brave, brave girls. It's alright. It's okay."

Zoe sticks her thumb in her mouth. Maya whimpers.

Maura has to look away.

…

Breakfast is quiet. Maya insists on sitting in Jane's lap, and being fed, and when Zoe tries to crawl up into Maura's lap, Maya snaps at her. "No! This is mama._Mama_ will help you. She's not going anywhere."

And although Jane does not comment on this, she runs her hand along the side of Maya's head, bending to kiss her temple, leaning forward to put a blueberry against Zoe's trembling lips. "It's okay. It's alright. Here, bug. Try this."

Knowing, on a rational level, why Maya is acting like this, and also that it will most likely blow over soon, does nothing to lift Maura's spirits as the breakfast wears on. She is guilty and impatient at the same time, and both are emotions that she does not have practice with. She wants to talk to Jane about last night, ask her if all she can think about is their hug in the kitchen, the way Maura had rubbed her head until she fell asleep. She wants to put her hand on Jane's when it rests next to her coffee cup.

She wants to sit down across from her and analyze every moment until she is sure where they stand.

She simply wants to redo last night over and over again.

But Maya's irritability and clinginess rub off on her younger sister, and by the time breakfast is over, both girls are hanging on her, demanding her attention.

"Let me do the dishes," Maura says as Zoe refuses to let go when Kane stands up.

"Oh," Jane says, uncertain, "No, Maur…let me-"

"Mama, I want you to dress me," Maya wraps her arms around her mother's waist.

"Zo first!" the toddler wails, and Jane winces a little at the noise so close to her ear.

Maura puts her hand on Jane's shoulders, aware of Maya's sharp little eyes on her hand. "Jane," she says quietly, waiting until dark brown eyes meet hers. "Let me do the dishes."

And Jane nods, giving a tired smile, before turning her attention to the girls and summoning excitement from somewhere deep down.

"Who wants to wear their new outfits today?" She asks cheerfully, heading off down the hall.

For some reason, Maura feels a little like crying.

…

…

The precinct is busy for a Sunday, and as Jane and Maura pull open the doors and head inside, both Maya and Zoe reach up, asking to be held.

Jane bends to lift Zoe and guides Maya's hand to the belt loop of her pants. She's dressed up a bit for the trip, wearing healed boots and a dark blazer over a bright yellow V-neck t-shirt. She's come to speak to the captain about a job, and Maura feels a bit giddy with the possibility that could become her colleague as well as her housemate.

Frost meets them in the doorway to the bullpen, reaching out to clasp Jane's shoulder. "Hey, Jane. Good to see you," He leans down to say hi to Maya, but she turns away from him, into her mother's hip.

"Maya!" Jane scolds, and then "sorry, Frost we've had a moment."

"You want me to watch the kids while you hit up Cavenaugh?"

Jane punches him with her free arm, chuckling. "Nah, we're alright…and stop making it sound like a dirty business deal. It's just me asking for a job."

"And with stats like yours? How could he say no?" Frost shoots back, dodging her fist as it shoots out again.  
"Ma," Maya, getting impatient, snaps Jane back to the task at hand.

"Okay, My, here we go. Just going to see the captain and then we'll go for lunch, okay?" she shoots a radiant smile at Maura, who goes red. "See you later…Dr. Isles."

And with that, the threesome heads off down the corridor.

Frost watches them go too. "Maya okay?" He asks lowly.

Maura sighs, "she had a little scare this morning. She went to Jane's room like she usually does but she wasn't there. She was afraid that Jane had either left her or passed away like Katherine."

Frost looks at Maura sharply, his light brown eyes studying her face. "Where was she?"

Maura glances up at his tone. "We fell asleep on the couch," she says simply, and when Frost continues to stare at her, she raises her eyebrows. "What?"

"We?" he asks, and he looks torn between anger and disappointment.

Maura nods, still not quite sure why this fact has gotten her into trouble, "yes," she replies, "we. Jane was having trouble sleeping, nightmares or…memories of Katherine…I was up, and I…" Maura hesitates, remembering the way Jane's hand had felt under her lips, the way her fingers had felt, sliding into her hair. "I offered to keep her company."

That is not a lie, but it still makes her draw a shaky breath.

Frosts face has slipped from incomprehension to deep, dark unease. "Oh, no," he says lowly. "No, Maura…no."

She looks back, playing at innocence although she thinks she already knows where this is going. "I'm not sure I know what you're talking-"

"Do you love her?" Frost's voice is a desperate hiss as he steps closer to her. He looks around, as if afraid one of her lab techs will overhear.

Maura feels a slight sense of foreboding. She hadn't considered the fact that other people might not be too keen on the idea of her and Jane together. She hadn't considered anything past the way that it had felt to watch Jane's eyes fall shut at her touch. She hasn't _thought _of anything this morning except the other woman's arms around her waist. Tight and insistent.

Really, that has been her downfall: foregoing logical, rational thought in favor of emotion. But somehow, when it comes to Jane…

She looks up at Barry Frost now, realizing that she's paused too long. She looks away. "Certainly, I care about her and her children very-"

"Don't sidestep," Frost says furiously. "You're in love with her, doctor. I'm not a detective for nothing."

"I…" But Maura cannot lie, what's more, she doesn't want to. She puts her hands out, hoping that her words are the right ones. "I do not pretend that my feelings are now, or will ever be reciprocated," she says, and seeing Frost's outraged face, she hurries on, "Nor do I feel completely comfortable saying that…I'm…_in love_…with detective…"but she falters here a little, because saying the words in love and detective Rizzoli in the same sentence has sent a bolt of exhilaration up her spine. "I find her…" She glances at Frost's scandalized face. "Compelling, and attractive and engaging in ways that I hadn't thought-" but she pulls up abruptly, embarrassed. She looks at the young detective, "Barry. This is not a big-"

"Not a big _deal?_" he seems to find his voice a whole octave higher than its normal register. "Doc…There's no way she's prepared for a relationship. Are you kidding me? Kate hasn't even been gone a year."

Maura rankles a little at this invocation of the dead. "As I just stated, I am not foolish enough to believe that she could feel the same-"

"You fell asleep on the couch last night. _Together,_" Frost points out.

"Not sexually," Maura says flushing, but she pushes on because her indignation at this point is winning over her guilt. "She was distraught. I wasn't going to just leave her to-"

But Frost no longer seems interested in hearing what she has to say. "Do you know why Maya panicked the way she did this morning?" he cries at her, "Do you know why she thought Jane was gone?"  
Maura doesn't answer, just looks at him, wide eyed. This ranting detective is quite different from the calm and collected one she is used to dealing with.

He doesn't leave enough space for her to answer anyway. "Maya woke up. And came downstairs. Kate and the apprentice were dead. Charles was stunned and Jane was bleeding out all over their carpet. And Maya gets up and goes down to her parent's room, only to find that they're not there."

"Stop it," Maura says quietly.

"So she gets up and she comes downstairs," Frost pauses. "You're the doctor…you tell me how she processed the scene in her living room."

"Barry, _Stop it_," Maura says more firmly this time. "We fell asleep. That's it. Jane comforted Maya, we had breakfast, and we came here so Jane could speak to Cavenaugh about getting on track to return." Frost looks momentarily surprised at this information, and Maura continues before he can interrupt her again. "There is no need to puff yourself up so protectively, detective. I _understand_ what you are saying."

"No you don't!" He responds, and she looks around at him, because now he just sounds sad. "When I went down to get them in Chicago…Jane…she- she was in a bad way…I promised her I'd get her somewhere safe. Somewhere…" He searches for the right word, and it is the look of sadness and fear on his face that clear the last of the haze from last night from her mind.

She puts her hand on the young man's shoulder, torn between pride, that Frost chose her to house his best friend in crisis, and offense, that he considers her to only be…safe. Unthreatening.

"I understand, alright?" She gives his shoulder a squeeze. "I understand and I…They are all safe with me."

Frost looks up at her, half a smile on his face. "I know they are, Doc…I'm sorry…I'm just so…"

_Angry, nervous, confused, hopeful._

"Yes," Maura says, "we all are, when it comes to Jane."

Frost leaves a couple minutes later, with Maura reassuring him that they are okay, that she is not upset or offended or worried. She watches him out of sight around the corner, trying to reconcile the loyalty she feels for Barry with the…well, whatever it is she feels for Jane. She tried to think back to last night logically.

A woman she'd welcomed into her home, crying in her kitchen. It would have been rude to walk away. It would have been worse to kiss her on the lips. It would have been abusive to lie down beside her.

No. All in all, she'd walked the tightrope of propriety quite well, considering. And Jane hadn't seemed different at breakfast, had she? She hadn't lept back at Maura's hand. She had even smiled.

That smile.

As if conjured up simply by thought, Maura's cell phone buzzes on the table. Maya's excited face, a picture from the aquarium trip, lights up her screen. Maura grins looking at the little face for a moment before pulling up the message.

**Jane: Cav. says a couple weeks of training, cert. and psych clearance and I'm back. Lunch to celebrate with the worlds' cutest?**

Has her heart always been so loud? She puts her hand over it. Has it always beaten so hard that it could break through her skin with just a little more effort?

Maura puts her phone down on her desk, turned over so she can't see Maya's smiling face. Then she closes her eyes, and tries to breathe.

_She meant the children. Of course she meant the girls._

But eyes open or eyes closed, Maura can see nothing but Jane's eyes in the shadows of her living room, watching her as she'd lowered her lips to Jane's palm for a second time.  
The doctor picks up her phone, resolute enough that her fingers do not even shake.

**Maura: I'm going to have to pass, Jane. There are things that need to get done around here.**

She presses send before she can think about it, before the wave of regret can hit her. And barely thirty seconds go by before the answer is pinging back onto her screen.

**Jane: dinner maybe. See ya later. **J

And Maura sighs because at least, she has not lied.

Not really.

…

Maura is in her study when the Rizzoli's get home. She hears them come rumbling down the hall like a mini earthquake, and she has to hold onto the arms of her chair in order to keep herself from rushing out to meet them.

She'd turned them down for lunch, and then dinner, and then ice cream. Jane hadn't answered her last rejection, and Maura hadn't been able to focus on anything since sending the text.

Now she listens as they stop in the kitchen for juice, Zoe babbling sleepily to herself.

"Mama can I go say hi to Maura?"

A pause in which Maura holds her breath, unsure if she wants Jane to say yes or no.

"No, honey. Dr. Isles has had a long day, and I'm sure she's tired."  
Maura exhales shakily, the urge to be sick running parallel with a river of relief.

But then she hears the sound of little feet bounding down the hallway, stopping right in front of her door.

"But, Mama, her light is on in her study," comes the little voice right outside her door.

"That does not mean she's in there, bug," Jane says, sounding farther away.

"Yes, it does," Maya says reasonably. "Maura doesn't waste 'lect-triss-tee."

There is a little hesitation, and then a deep throated chuckle from Jane that makes Maura catch a breath.

"Touche," Jane says, closer this time, "But still, she's busy and you have a date with a bedspread, let's go. Chop chop!"

She hears Maya pound away towards her room, but Jane's boots seems to stay where they are, and after ten seconds of holding her breath, wishing both to disappear and to slow down time, there is a soft knock on her door.

"Come-come in," she says clearing her throat, and Jane appears in the door way, still dressed in the blazer and heels she wore to work, and Maura has forgotten how beautiful she was.

"hello, Jane," Maura manages.

"Hey."

They stare at each other for a moment, before Jane seems to remember that she had a reason for knocking.

"I brought you back some ice cream," she says, producing a cup from nowhere, holding it out almost shyly. "Butter pecan…which is what you always get, when…we get go for ice cream."

It's true, she does. But no one has ever noticed that about her before. She reaches out for the little plastic cup, taking care that her fingers do not brush Jane's.

"Thank you," she says to the cup. "That was…very thoughtful."

Jane steps back a little, looking confused. "Okay…well I'll let you get to your work…I'm sorry to bother you."

Maura's heart is one big ice cube. "No bother, Jane," she says quietly, and the brunette studies her profile.

_Here it comes,_ she thinks nervously, and she is right, because after a moment, Jane opens her mouth.

"Look, have…I-have I done something to offend you?" she should have carried that sentence out with strength and anger, but Maura hears her waver a little in the middle.

Her heart aches.

"No! she says quickly, standing up. "No, of course not, I was just-"

But the sound of the TV flicking on in the living room distracts them both, and Maura sees Jane roll her eyes as she turns away.

.

They enter the living room to find Maya, pajamas on, wrapped in a blanket, firmly ensconced on the couch. As the women approach her, she turns her little face to them and sets her features into an expression that clearly indicates she is ready for a fight.

Jane manages to hide a smile. "Uh oh, Little girl. It is waay past your bed time," she says gently. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

Maya glowers. "You're going to sleep on the couch," she says, "So Maya is too." Her tone is decidedly babyish, and Jane hesitates for a moment, biting her lip and appraising her daughter. Maura stops walking, wondering if this is a mother/daughter moment that she should not intrude on.

Jane moves to sit down next to Maya, gesturing that the little girl should climb into her lap. Maya does so, and seems to revel in the fact that she has her mother's arms all to herself.

"That was a pretty scary thing that happened this morning, wasn't it, bug?" she says casually.

Maya nods. "I thought you went to heaven to be with mommy. Thought you forgot about Maya 'n Zo."

Jane's jaw clenches, but her hands stay gentle as they rub down Maya's back. She glances at Maura who smiles a little weakly.

"Listen to me, My," Jane says tilting the little head back so she can look in her eyes. "you listening?"

A nod. Maura nods a little too, although she's unaware of it.

Jane smiles. "I could never, ever, ever, _ever,_ forget you or Zo. You're everything in the world."

Maya smiles, pressing into her mother's chest. "We're better than the sox!" she says, and Jane laughs, but nods.

"Yes. You mean more to me than anything," Jane says, and Maura thinks they must have done this often, because Maya responds immediate. "Dun't take a detective to see that."

Jane laughs, kissing the light brown head. "No," she says, "it doesn't. And you're going to go back to school on Monday, and I'm going to start getting back in shape to go to work, and even when we don't see each other every day…"

"We will still be closer than Cagney and Lacey!" Maya says, and Maura can't help but laugh at that.

The two of them look around at her, grinning, and Maura understands in that moment, that she is in trouble. Deep in trouble and there is no getting out of it.

"Maya," Jane says, a little firmer, "Do you have something you want to say to Dr. Isles?"

Maya manages to look a little remorseful. "'m sorry I was rude," she says a little grudgingly, drawing the "oo" sound of rude out longer than necessary.

"Almost," Jane says, the twitch of an eyebrow giving away her amusement. "How about you try again."

Maya sighs heavily, but really does manage to sound sincere when she speaks. "Can we be friends again, Maura?" Those wide light eyes. Like she could ever say no.

"Of course, little girl," she says and Maya hops off her mother's lap to throw her arms exuberantly around the doctor's waist.

"Let's watch a movie because we're friends again!" she cries happily, And Jane unfolds herself from the couch, laughing.

"Nice try, bug. Say night."

Maya looks sheepishly up at Maura,"niiight."

"Night, babygirl," Maura says, and she watches as Maya scampers away down the hall after her mother.

….

"You know what I enjoy about staying here?"

Maura spins around. She hadn't heard Jane come back into the living room and a glance down to the floor shows her why. Jane has kicked off her boots, and without her heels she loses four inches and the sense of strngth and power she'd carried with her around the precinct.

Now she stands in the doorway, sweatpants and tank top, hair in a loose bun at the base of her neck, and the doctor is undone.

"You know what I like about staying here?" Jane asks again.

Maura can only shake her head.

"You…you're honest with me."

Maura's eyes get a little wide with shock. "I…I…" what does she say to that? It's hard to form a thought, or to make her mouth move when Jane is looking at her like that.

"Don't get me wrong," Jane says quickly, coming to sit down on the couch across from the armchair. "I love Frost like a brother, and Korsak's like…the father I never had..but…" a crease appears between Jane's eyebrows. Maura wants to rub it away. "Before I came here…the way I was when the girls were away from me because I-I had to get better…" she struggles to get the words out evenly, and Maura leans forward, palms up, to show she would offer anything…any type of comfort that was needed.

Jane doesn't seem to notice. "Anyway," she says, rolling her shoulders a bit. "Anyway, I just…wanted to say I won't…misstep again."

Maura looks up at her. "what?"

Jane shakes her head. "I know, yesterday, I crossed a line, and…I want you to know that I won't do it again." She looks up, her dark eyes fierce and determined and lovely. "I'm sorry," it looks like it takes everything out of her to say that. "I…I didn't have a lot of…friends who were girls, growing up, and…I overstepped last night. You don't have to be my friend…and you don't have to, you know…be my friend, Maura, but my girls adore you. And I think you sort of love them too…So if you could just-"

But Maura finally finds her voice, standing up with her hands out, and Jane stands up too, and in her heels and Jane is socks they are eye to eye.

"Stop! Stop!" Maura says, "You? Crossing the line? _I _crossed the line… You were grieving and I…I-I _kissed you._" Maura nearly throws herself back down into the armchair. Jane stays where she is, staring down at her.

"What?"

Maura puts her hand over her eyes, "I kissed you."

Silence. Maura looks up to see Jane blinking, as if trying to pull the memory up in her mind.

"On my hand," she says slowly.

"Yes."

Jane frowns. "You kissed my hand. You think that's…"

"Forgive me," Maura says. looking down at her hands. "forgive me."

And then Jane is moving towards her, Jane is kneeling in front of her, taking her hand in both of her own and….and…

pressing them to her lips.

And Maura is lost.

"There," Jane's eyes find hers. "Now we're even."

.

Later, Jane with her beer and Maura with her wine, the doctor sets her drink down on the coffee table, glancing at the detective, sitting cross legged on her couch.

"I never had many friends either, growing up," she admits quietly, and even though the conversation was more than ten minutes ago, Jane nods like she knows. "What do friends do?" Maura asks.

"Drink?" Jane lifts the beer to her lips. Maura laughs.

"Gossip?"

Jane rolls her eyes, shaking her head. "probably they just watch Dance Moms and talk about the creeps at work."

Maura looks blank, "Dance what?"

Jane's mixed look of bewilderment and delight make Maura feel that she would feign ignorance forever, if this is what it got her.

"You're kidding."

Maura smiles, "I am not."

And Jane reaches out, grabbing Maura's arm and yanking her down onto the couch next to her, leg to leg.

"Oh, Maura," she says, reaching for the remote. "You thought Spongebob was bad."


	9. Chapter 9

Maura puts her pen down on her desk and shuts her eyes, trying to refocus herself. The case that she is working on with Detective Frost and his partner Detective Reynolds is proving to be both grueling and more complex than any of them first imagined. The seemingly random death of a Jane Doe in an alley downtown has spiraled into three connected murders of unknown girls, and the media is beginning to get wind.

The doctor rubs her eyes and tries again, looking at the results on her computer, but they make no more sense than they did five minutes ago.

If she's honest with herself, she's unable to focus on the screen in front of her because of the morning's events. Today is Maya's first day of school, and this morning had been a whirlwind of preparation, chaos and nervous excitement. Maya was going to school and Zoe was headed to daycare for the first time in her life.  
"Kate always used to take her along on any jobs she had," Jane had said quietly, measuring out their breakfast cereal. "I feel a little guilty…just throwing her out into the world already.

Maura had wished momentarily that Jane would turn those deep brown eyes towards her, before deciding it was better that she didn't.

"More than half of children spend four or more hours in day care, and the majority of them grow up to be very productive members of society."

"what's the majority?" Jane had asked, setting a bowl down in front of each child.

"79%" Maura had answered promptly.  
Jane looked caught between the urge to make fun and the urge to be sick. "Still leaves 20%," she'd said, dropping a packet of fruitsnacks into Maya's lunch box."

"21," Maura had said.

Jane rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Doctor."

"tank you, duckter," Zoe had mimicked. Maura couldn't stop laughing.

Jane had decided to go to the precinct that morning and get a work out in, and so Maura offered to drive them all, and although Jane had hesitated for a minute, Maya's puppy dog eyes had eventually done the trick.

"Who will pick me up from school?" Maya had asked as Jane was unbuckling her from the back seat. "And Zoe from daycare?"

"I will," Jane had reassured her. "I'm not working yet, bug…just doing some training. I'll be right here to get you when you come out."

"Maura too?" Maya had asked, shooting a shy look into the front where Maura is.

"Mo too?" comes Zoe's voice, already out of the car and waiting by her mother's hip.

Jane had smiled, short and fleeting, nodding as she lifted Maya from her booster. "Yes," she'd said. "Maura too."

.

The knock at the doctor's door pulls her out of her memories, and she looks up quickly, expecting Frost Korsak, secretly hoping for Jane. But it is Detective Reynolds, and he looks unhappy. He pushes the door open before she can beckon him in, and walks right up to her desk. She leans back a bit, looking up at him.

"Good afternoon, Detective Reynolds," she says politely, "What can I do for you?"

He grunts, unclipping his phone from his belt and waving it vaguely at her. "These results are wrong," He says shortly, and Maura feels herself get a little warm.

"They are not," she replies, hoping her tone does not reveal how nervous she is. "I ran three different test samples. They are incongruous, certainly, but they are not-"

"They are wrong, DeMarco is our guy, We've got him tied through DNA to both the other victims. His DNA is the one on our latest Jane Doe. Same M.O. same, type of location for the body. There's no way it's not him." He leans towards her over her desk, and she works hard to hold her ground. "I think you ran the tests wrong, Doctor Isles."

She narrows her eyes. She hates to be called wrong, and she especially hates to be called wrong when she isn't.

"Detective Reynolds," she says, keeping her voice even and measured. "I assure you that when I originally ran the tests, I found the results to be as confusing as you. Detective Frost has been keeping me enlightened as to the progression of your case, and when I heard that you had a suspect in custody, naturally I wanted to-"

"You wanted to what," he sneers, "fuck it up with your shitty test results?" He shakes his head, looking away with studied, fake remorse. "Never let a woman do a man's job," he mutters, making sure she can hear him. "honestly."

Maura is silent for a moment, trying to ignore the rising tide of fury in the pit of her stomach, as well as the deepening sense of dread. She has never been good at social interactions, and this one does not appear to be turning out for the better. She places her hands flat on her desk, using them to brace herself as she stands. Even in her heels, she is shorter than he is, but he at least has the courtesy to step back as she comes around her desk. She is not afraid of him, not exactly. Sexism does not scare her. She is afraid of saying the wrong thing. She is afraid because she has no idea what the wrong thing might be.

"Detective," she says evenly, "I ran your test results three times. Each time, I was careful to extract a new sample from the victim. I am not unaware of the circumstances surrounding their deaths, nor am I unaware of the magnitude of the-"

"Jesus woman, don't you ever speak English?" He cuts her off a again, and in his frustration, he advances on her. She doesn't move, but this time it is because confusion and nerves have rooted her to the spot. She watches with wide eyes as he gets closer.

"Look," he says, very slowly. "You know DeMarco's our guy. You have his DNA from the other two bodies," He pauses, and Maura looks back at him blankly. He sighs heavily.

"Help us out here, Doc." He watches her features for understanding, and when her eyes widen, he nods, grinning at her.

She glares at him, "you're asking me to fabricate evidence in order for you to close these cases out," she says slowly, "and what if I do…and another girl winds up dead? What then? Not only have I lost my integrity and myself respect…but I have failed in my duty to uphold the-"

"Jesus!" Reynolds turn away from her, "Stop being such a total ice bitch for two fucking seconds!" he swears, and she is about to tell him to get the _hell_ out of her office, when a deep voice from the doorway makes her freeze.

"You know…when we were at the Academy together, I told you that mouth of yours was gonna screw you."

Maura turns towards Jane's voice, relieved and panicked, hoping that she doesn't look too frazzled, but she feels her heart start to race again when she looks towards her door. The woman standing in the doorway of her office is not the Jane Rizzoli she recognizes.

"Rizzoli," Reynolds growls, and his tone suggests that he is not only unhappy to see her, but disgusted as well.

_Rizzoli_. Yes…that's what she looks like right now, Maura thinks, as her eyes move over the other woman.

Jane is dressed in running shorts and a tank top. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail and her hands are wrapped, as though she's been boxing. She is shiny with sweat from her workout, and her legs and arms are formed and defined. As Maura watches, the brunette flexes unconsciously, her dark, angry eyes fixed on Detective Reynolds.

"Howie," she says, and although she uses a nick name, her voice suggests there are other more suitable names she would like to call him.

"Detective Reynolds, now," he says coolly, "Got promoted right after you left for Chicago. Guess they thought I was the best _man _for the job."

Jane glances at Maura, her eyes sweeping her frame once before she looks back at Reynolds, blinking. "Well, with all the time you spent trying to graduate, I'm sure they thought you really knew what you were doing."

Reynolds flushes, but doesn't say anything for a moment, and Jane looks at Maura again, this time catching her eye. Maura feels her heart flip over. Jane is clearly checking on her to see if she's okay.

She tries to smile at Jane, even though there is nothing about the situation that makes her feel like smiling. "J-Jane!" she curses herself for the pitch of her voice and the worried way the brunette looks at her. She shake her head and tries again, hoping to sound less flustered. "D-Detective Reynolds was just expressing to me his…extreme disappointment at the latest test results, as they don't match the suspect he has in custody…"  
Jane nods, knowingly, "and let me guess," she says, her voice dripping condescension. "Howie here was wondering if there wasn't something you could do to change that." She glowers at the man in front of them, her jaw working.

"The doctor has it wrong," he says quickly, a flicker of panic crossing his face. "I never-"

But Jane laughs, truly laughs, and it shuts Reynolds up immediately. "Dr. Isles?" she asks incredulously. "Wrong?" she laughs again, the sound deep and full in her chest, sending shivers up into Maura's hairline. "You've gotta be kidding me," she says, "this woman is never wrong."

Maura is in love. She can't help her smile. She can't help but feel at ease.

She looks at Detective Reynolds' sour expression, and her grin only widens. She grabs the test results off her table handing them to him and gesturing him towards the door.

"Here are all three trials," she says curtly. "Bring them to Detective Frost. See what he can make of it."

It has suddenly dawned on her that Jane came to see _her_, and the longer Reynolds stands there, the longer it will take her to figure out why.

Reynolds heads towards the door, and Jane steps out of his way with a flourish and a look that clearly says, _don't let me stop you._

Maura stifles a chuckle.

Reynolds pulls a face. "Just what we need around here," he mumbles. "Another fucking pussy puncher." And when that, he stalks away.

Maura listens as the sound of his boots fades away, and then turns to her desk, shaking her head. "Come in Jane," she says trying to sound light. "I didn't know you were still here. When did training end?"

Jane doesn't answer. Maura turns around to see the brunette staring at her, face blank. "Jane?"

Jane blinks, like she trying to restart her brain, and Maura moves towards her, thinking of flashbacks and PTSD. "Jane? Can you hear me? Are you alright?" Maura puts her hands out, but doesn't touch the other woman. And Jane lurches backwards, shaking her head.

"No…yeah. I mean no, yes," she says quickly. And her head nods and shakes at the same time. Maura raises her eyebrows, trying to stay concerned and not grin.

"Well, normally, one has to pick an answer, Jane," she says gently, and the brunette gives her a shaky smile.

"I'm fine," she says, rubbing the back of her neck and stealing another glance at Maura, "I just fucking hate Reynolds."

Maura flinches at the swear word and Jane frowns. "Sorry," she says "I just really hate him."

The doctor waves the apology away, turning back to her desk. She can feel Jane's eyes on her as she picks up some files. "What can I do for you, detective?"

She hears Jane scoff, "I'm not a detective," she says quietly. "Not yet."

Maura smiles, "alright," she says. "What can I do for you, Jane?"

The brunette goes a little pink and looks down at her feet, and Maura frowns at the reaction. It's not like Jane to get flustered…it's more like…well, like Maura.

"Jane?"

Jane swallows and looks up at her. "I…uh…stopped by to see if it was alright if…" She takes a breath. "If my mother comes by to see the kids tonight."

Maura's eyes widen. This was certainly not what she expected. "Oh!" She says.

Jane bites her lip. "I can tell her that it's not a good-"

But Maura shakes her head, "No! Tonight is fine! It's perfectly fine," she smiles warmly at Jane, who grins back. "I'm sure I can find something to occupy myself for a couple of-"

"No!" Jane's voice is loud in the small space.

Maura stares. "No?"

Jane moves her hand like she wants to run it through her hair, but the ponytail prevents this. "I thought you could be around…if you wanted." She looks up when Maura doesn't answer right away. "Only if you wanted," she says again.

Maura nods and nods, her throat too dry to speak.

…

The girls are ecstatic. Dinner is chaos.

Jane looks like she regrets telling them so early that their grandmother is coming to see them, because the hours between dinner, and seven thirty, when Angela Rizzoli is supposed to show up, seem to drag by.

Maya rotates between watching TV, reading her school book and dashing to the window to look out on the evening. Jane watches her quietly, almost sadly.

Maura helps Zoe put the big foam puzzle together.

And seven o'clock comes….and goes.

At eight, Maura finds Jane in the kitchen, her head resting against the refrigerator. She puts her hand tentatively on the brunette's shoulder, listening to the girls bicker tiredly in front of the television.

"Jane-"

"thirty more minutes," Jane says coldly, "and then I'm putting them to bed."

Maura knows better than to argue.

But at 8:39, they are still on the couch, Maya leaning against Maura, glassy eyes on the TV, and Zoe fast asleep in Jane's lap, the excitement turned disappointment too much for the three year old.

"Maybe she got in a axy dent." Maya says yawning and pressing herself closer to Maura. "Maybe you should put your sirens on, Mama, and go look for her."

Jane sighs. "She didn't get in an accident, smalls," she says quietly. "She's got cold feet, or…something came up…or."

Maya wiggles her toes lazily. "I got cold feet too," she says, eyes drooping.

"Okay, bug," Jane says, smiling, "Let's go put your cold feet under some covers."

she is about to stand, when a soft knock comes from the front door.

Jane looks at Maura over the top of Maya's head, her eyes wide.

The knock comes again. Jane seems paralyzed.

"I've got it," Maura says, extracting herself from Maya's arms and heading to the door. She pulls it open on Jane's mother, shorter and rounder than Jane herself, but the same in the eyes and the hair, the set of the jaw. Maura opens her mouth to welcome her, but she speaks before Maura can start.

"My boss kept me late," Angela Rizzoli bursts out. "My boss kept me late and then I'm driving over here and, hand to God, I get a flat tire. I had to wait twenty five minutes for the guys from State Farm to even get out there. Am I too late?"

Angela's wide eyes hold the doctor', slipping into watery relief as Maura shakes her head.

"No," she says quietly, "well, Jane and Maya are still awake. Zoe fell asleep a little while ago."

Angela nods, still nervous. "Of course. I'm two hours late…" She glances over Maura's shoulder. "Is she angry, Dr. Isles? I'd show up unannounced when she lived in the city, and it would always make her so mad." Angela shuts her mouth tightly after this, as though to late she realizes that she's speaking too much.

Maura smiles and gestures her into the front hall. "I'm glad you came anyway," she says reaching for Angela's coat as the older woman shrugs it off. "It means something to your daughter, even if she might be too proud to say."

Angela looks at her sharply, but doesn't comment on this presumption of knowledge, and Maura leads her down the hall and around the corner, into the living room where Jane, Maya, and Zoe are all curled up on the couch, watching TV.

Angela rounds the corner after Maura, and seeing the three of them there, she lets out a small noise, almost like a sob.

Jane and Maya look around, and even though it's past Maya's bed time, her tired little eyes light up. She slides off the couch and runs across the room, she stops a couple feet from Angela, staring up at her with a mixture of excitement and fear.

"Hi," Angela says softly.

"I know who you are," Maya says, rubbing one bare foot against the back of her leg. "Mama told me who you are."

Angela takes a step, and then seems to sink into an armchair, like her legs will not support her. "You do?"

Maya nods. "You are mama's mommy. my gram."

Angela's eyes fill with tears. "That's right."

Maya frowns at her for a moment. "You're very late," she says gesturing over her shoulder to where Jane still sits with the slumbering Zoe. "My sister is Zoe…she fell asleep, she's just a baby."

Angela catches Jane's eye as she looks over at them, and then her eyes fall on Zoe and her expression is one of the most painful things Maura has ever seen. The doctor knows she is looking at Zoe and seeing Jane. The little girl is the detective's carbon copy.

"How," Angela swallows, "How old is your sister?"

Maya climbs up into the armchair with Angela, who looks overwhelmed, but allows the child to settle in against her. "I am six," she says "Zoe is three. We are almost exactly apart. I'm in April and Zoe is in May. Good planning huh?"

Maura smiles, moving from the doorway to sit next to Jane on the couch. As she settles in, she realizes that Jane is not at ease, that she sits anxiously on the sofa, watching her mother with eyes like a hawk.

"Hey," Maura says under her breath, loud enough for only Jane to hear.

The brunette turns her eyes to Maura, and they are alive with worry and discomfort.

"Hey," Maura says again, and she puts her hand on Jane's knee, her fingers on either side of the other woman's knee cap. If she could find a way to say _you are doing a good thing, here,_ with her eyes, she would. Instead she gives Jane's knee one swift squeeze, and turns her attention back to where Maya is talking a mile a minute to her grandmother.

"And then we got to put our picture up on the talent wall," Maya is saying. "Mine was almost in the middle on the side. And Ms. Degroff said mine was very good."

"Bug," Jane says quietly, "It's way past your bed time."

Both Angela and Maya look crestfallen.

"But my gram is here," Maya says sadly. "She was a little late…can I just watch half a show with her?" Her eyes go round and earnest. "pleeeease, mama?"

Angela looks like she's about to start begging too.

Jane rolls her eyes, standing with the sleeping Zoe in her arms. "I'm gonna put Zoe to bed," she says "One show, miss thing, and then to bed." She pauses, her eyes sweeping her mother. "Your grandmother can come back," she says, and Maya chirps happily, settling back against Angela, who is looking up at Jane, aghast.

….

When the show is over, Maura offers to take Maya to bed while Jane sees Angela out. the six year old fell asleep ten minutes into her show, but Angela had stayed for the whole thing, cradling the girl in her lap and stroking her hair. She hadn't said anything besides, "they're beautiful."

Jane had watched her, her face unreadable. And Maura had wondered if the chasm that seemed to separate them could ever be fixed.

She's coming back from Maya's room when she hears Jane and Angela in the hall. Mrs. Rizzoli's voice is higher than her daughter's, less hoarse, but Maura think she would know they were related just by listening to each other.

"Thank you, Jane," Angela sounds tentative, "for keeping Maya up past her bed time. She's so big…and so-"

"There are rules," Jane interrupts like she hasn't been listening, her tone tight, like she's working to control herself. Maura leans against the hall wall, a habit she picked up from Jane.

"W-what?"

"Rules," Jane says again, "If you're going to be in my kids' lives…in our lives….I have some rules."

"Okay," Angela says quickly. "What are they?"

There is a pause, and Maura can picture Jane almost perfectly, running her hands through her hair nervously. She waits, but Jane doesn't speak, and after a moment, Angela says, "Janie…" soft, the way a mother does when her grown up daughter is crying and she doesn't know what to do about it.

Maura rounds the corner without thinking, striding into the front hall and reaching out to take Jane's arm. Angela looks surprised at her boldness, but Jane doesn't flinch or pull away. She doesn't even stiffen.

_I thought…you could be around….if you wanted. _

Maura gives Jane's arm a squeeze. "what are you rules, Jane?" Maura prompts gently, and the tense curl of Jane's shoulders relaxes a little.

"You can't pretend they don't have another mother." Jane's voice is clear, though she's still looking at the ground.

Angela's eyes get wide. "I-"

"When it was just me dating Katherine, you could pretend she didn't exist. We were big girls and we could handle it."

Angela looks a little ashamed and a little defiant. "The way you kept pushing it on us…" she says faintly.

"But those are our kids, Ma," Jane continues like she hasn't heard. "Kate gave birth to Zoe, and Maya is her spitting image. They're mine _and_ Kate's girls. And you won't pretend otherwise." She lifts her head and gives her mother such an intense and piercing stare, that Angela can only nod.

Jane nods too. "And I want you to see them," she says, looking away. "A lot."

At first Angela looks like she's misheard. Even Maura has to replay the sentence in her head to make sure she's understood.

"you want me to-"

"Yeah," Jane says, shifting uncomfortably under her mother's wide eyed stare. "You're their Nona and…" She shrugs.

Angela leans forward and pulls her daughter into a tentative hug that grows stronger and stronger as it becomes clear Jane will not pull away.

"My Janie," She says between huge steadying breaths. "Home! A mother!" she squeezes the detective again. "Me! A Grandmother!"

Jane lets out a puff of air that could be a try at a laugh. "Go home, Ma," she says softly. "We'll still be here tomorrow."

Angela looks like she wants a bit of reassurance about that. But after a moment, she nods and smiles, turning to head down the walk.

"And don't be so late, Ma," Jane calls after her, a small smile on her face.

Angela waves over her shoulder.

Maura shuts the door softly and turns around, expecting to see Jane heading down the hall. Instead, when she turns, she is pulled into Jane's arms, swallowed inside a hug that she was not expecting.

"Ohhh!" her exhale is audible, and completely easy to understand. Jane's embrace is bliss. Maura closes her eyes, fighting the way she wants to melt against the taller woman's chest.

"Thank you, Maura," the whisper is by her ear, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

"f-for what?" She mumbles into Jane's shoulder. the brunette smells like tide and shampoo and cheerios. Maura wants to kiss the spot where her mouth is. She resists, and Jane pulls away, smiling faintly.

"For being there."

Maura looks up into her eyes. There is only one answer to give.

"Of course, Jane," she says, trying not to breathe too heavily. "As often as you need me."

Another smile and Jane turns away, heading towards her bedroom. Maura wants to scream at her not to go.

"Good night, Maur."

The doctor is warm and happy. She is beaming.

"Good night, Jane."


	10. Chapter 10

_"Please," Jane arches her back, her voice catching on the one word she can seem to stop repeating. "please, please." _

_She flexes her hips, looking for release. The woman above her (not her wife) giggles against her ear, lowering herself so that they are flush against each other. _

_"Please what?" she whispers. _

_Jane grunts, pressing upwards, "please. Please more." _

_The woman's dark blonde hair drags across Jane's chest as she obliges, and Jane bites the unfamiliar shoulder to muffle her moan as it is ripped from her chest. _

_"Oh," she says, breathing hard, and the tendrils of guilt that had wrapped themselves around her seem to give way to waves of pleasure. This woman is not hers, not her wife. She is too soft and too small. But she is right. _

_She is right too. _

_"Oh," Jane says again as another wave of pleasure crests and breaks over her, and she can feel the other woman moving against her in time, her own gasps pushing Jane higher and closer. _

_"I-I love you," it is true the moment she leaves her lips. It is not just the rush of adrenaline that brings the words out of her, but a deep and powerful desire to say them. She puts her hands on the other woman's hips, to steady herself, to prepare. "Oh," she says, feeling herself getting closer. "Oh, I-I love you so much." _

_"and the woman pulls back, her deep green eyes coming to rest on Jane's face. She smiles, and it is affectionate and loving and lust filled all at once. Jane shuts her eyes, sure that she will come apart if she's watching the woman as she says the words back. _

_"I love-" the woman begins, but then she sucks in a deep breath of air, as though she is surprised. _

_Jane opens her eyes to see her looking back, green eyes wide and astonished, lips parted as though she's seen something upsetting and can't quite comprehend. _

_Jane frowns, and leans herself forward to kiss the pink full lips above her, like she could coax them back into life with her own. _

_And that's when she feels it, dripping down between their bodies, coating her hands that still rest on the woman's hips. It is hot and sticky and there is far, far too much of it. _

_Jane looks down, and the cry that comes from her now is not of pleasure but of despair. _

_She rolls them so that she is on top, so that she can take her red-dyed hands and press them firmly against the woman's abdomen. Panic makes it hard to think, makes it hard to breathe and her sobs are choked and stunted as she tries to pull in enough air to feed her brain. _

_"No," she says over and over again, a plea quite different than the one from moments before. "No, nono no" until her words run together and she feels tears hot and wet on her cheeks. _

_The woman's eyes stay the same wide open surprise as Jane trembles above her, praying and pressing her hands hard against the wound. Her mouth moves soundlessly, and she isn't saying words so much as mouthing the vowles of her surprise and her pain. _

_She does not look accusatory, but Jane knows this is her fault as sure as she knows that Kate's death was. She did not see him coming. She allowed herself to get comfortable. to have fun. _

_She did not see him coming. _

_She cannot protect this woman. _

_She cannot protect anyone. _

_"No. No." She says, and she's truly crying now, her tears dripping of the end of her nose and on to the woman's neck. _

_"Maura." _

_As soon as she says the name, that's who she is. That hair, those delicate wrists and fingers. This eyes….losing life. _

_"Maura. No," There's nothing to do. No one that could come fast enough. _

_Maura's lips (pink a moment ago, now blue) move again. just vowels. I…O…U…_

_Jane hiccups a sob, her red wet hands coming up to carress a cheek. _

_I O U _

_No. Not just vowels. Jane realizes as the light leaves Maura's eyes. She hasn't been saying nothing. She's been saying everything. _

_I love you. _

_"Maura." she pulls the name out long, like if she could stretch it and bend it she could bring the doctor back. _

_"Maura." _

_She is nothing but guilt and torture and pain. _

_She does nothing but betray. _

_She is empty. A shell. _

"Maura."

Jane opens her eyes.

…

Maura sips her coffee and looks at the clock above the oven which reads 7:15am. It's Saturday, but it's still rare for Jane and the girls to still be sleeping. Usually they all wake up before her, and she brushes her teeth to the sound of Zoe and Maya laughing in the living room.

But this morning she had descended the stairs to find the kitchen as silent as a ghost town, nothing stirring. She'd made herself coffee and watched the 6:30 news, wondering at the way her old rituals seemed too quiet and too empty without the Rizzoli's to add some color.

But 6:30 turns into 7:00 turns into 7:35, and Maura sighs and settles herself at the kitchen counter with her newspaper. She knows that Jane has not been sleeping well. She can read it in the dark circles under the brunette's eyes, and the way that, after dropping the girls off at school, Jane slumps against the window of Maura's car, her eyes almost falling shut.

Yesterday, when they had pulled up to the precinct, Maura realized that Jane was deep asleep, her fatigue already catching up to her. She'd put her hand tentatively on the detective's shoulder, and Jane had started awake, reaching out and grabbing the doctor's wrist with enough force to make her wince.

"Maura!" Jane's eyes had been wide and a little glassy.

"Jane," Maura had said calmly, slipping into her clinical mode without thinking. "It was a dream. You're alright."

Jane's eyes had cleared a little, and she'd let go of Maura's wrist looking ashamed. "I must have fallen asleep," she'd said, reaching for her door handle. "You're alright?" one furtive look at the doctor.

Maura had smiled reassuringly. "Yes. I'm fine. You sure you want to train today?"

Jane had simply nodded.

But as the days go on, and September deepens, the detective's symptoms seem to get worse. The more Jane works towards regaining her badge, the worse her nightmares seem to get, and the worse her nightmares get, the harder Jane pushes herself.

Sometimes Maura wakes up in the night, noise from the kitchen or the sound of the living room will wake her, and once, what woke her was a deep and strangled cry. Maura will sit up, listening to the haunted woman as she prowls the first floor of her house, and wonder if there's anything she can do.

.

Newspaper aside, eyes glassy with thought, Maura almost misses the faint movement at the corner of her periphery. She turns her head just in time to see two light eyes disappear around the corner.

She stands up quietly, heading towards the door to the kitchen. "Maya?" She calls gently. "Is that you honey?"

She rounds the corner into the hall to see both Maya and Zoe standing there looking guilty.

"Hi," Maya tries to say casually.

Maura grins, "What are you two doing up? I thought you were sleeping in."

"I'm completely sleeped out," Maya says huffily. "Mama will not get out of bed."

Concern tempers Maura's delight at seeing the girls. "Oh?" She moves down the hall towards Jane's room. "Did you talk to her, sweetheart?"

Maya nods vigorously. "Yes," she says grumpily. "I told her today was the play, and Nona and Uncle Frankie are coming to it, and she promised to get up to help me practice…"

Maura pauses outside of Jane's door, knocking quietly. There is no answer.

"And what did she says when you said all that?" Maura asks, trying to keep her voice light, her mind whirring over depression and disease.

"She said she had thirty seven minutes of sleep. She said she needed at least thirty seven more to fun-tion," Maya says, and Maura steps away from the door, relief sweeping her. She hadn't heard Jane up last night, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

"Alright," she says, studying the pajama clad children in front of her. "Alright, well what do you say we give your mother some more time to rest, then?"

Maya looks skeptical, while Zoe looks excited. the toddler stretches her arms out to Maura, and the doctor lifts her up onto her hip, surprised at how normal it feels when the little girl burrows in there.

"pans?" she asks hopefully. "pancates?"

Maya grins, looking happy now too. "Yeah!" she cries, "Can we make pancakes?"

Maura nods, happy that both girls seem so easy to please. "Yes," she says turning back towards the kitchen. "Definitely."

.

Maya's first ever school play is happening this evening at her school, and the first grader has been able to talk about nothing else. She and her classmates are doing a rendition of Eric Carl's "The Very Hungry Caterpillar," and it was with great pride, that Maya announced one night at the dinner table, that she would be playing the role of "piece of cake."

"I'm sorry?" Jane had said, throwing Maura a look.

Maya had rolled her eyes impatiently. "I got to be piece of cake, Mama!" she'd said, puffing up a little. "It's the last thing the caterpillar eats before he 'cides to hiba nate."

"Actually," Maura had said, smiling at the little girl. "It's not a hibernation at all…what happens in the cocoon is that-"

"I know…I know," Maya had said, "it's a transfahmation!"

Jane had put her hand over Maura's briefly, effectively wiping the correction from Maura's mind.

"So you're…the cake," Jane had said, grinning at Maura.

"Yes! An' I have one line." Maya had gotten up from her seat, her face twisted with concentration. "Dont eat me, Mr. Caterpillar," she'd said in a deep voice "You're fit to burst already." And then she'd looked around at the adults, expectant.

Maura had never seen Jane laugh so hard in her life.

"It's not funny, Mama!" Maya had scolded. But Jane got up and went to hug her daughter, still laughing. "YOu are going to be the best piece of cake there ever was," she'd said, squeezing Maya tightly.

Maya grinned over Jane's shoulder at Maura. "Will you come, Maura?"

And those little eyes, so hopeful. And Jane's eyes on her too.

How could the doctor say no?

…

They are out in the back yard when Jane finally makes an appearance. Maya and Zoe are running around. Maya giggling madly and Zoe running after her calling "fit to burt catter piyar! fit to burt!"

Maura is nursing a third cup of coffee and wondering how she will get them into real clothes if Jane does not wake up.

But she hears the screen door slide open and then shut behind her, and then a moment later, Jane is next to her. Their knees grazing each other lazily.

"I slept," Jane says unnecessarily. Her hair is still bed crazy.

Maura smiles, "finally."

Jane doesn't ask what she means by this, but she reaches over and gently pulls the coffee cup out of Maura's hands, lifting it to her own lips. Maura watches, torn between amusement and shock.

Jane wrinkles her nose. "You don't put enough cream in."

Maura laughs, "I don't put enough cream in _my _coffee, Jane?" She asks, and Jane grins, turning to look at her.

For a split second, Jane looks surprised, like it wasn't Maura she was expecting to see. But then the look is gone. Jane grins.

"Correct," she says looking out at her children. Zoe is too tired to chase Maya anymore. Instead, she pivots on the spot, following her sister's moves by rotating every time she streaks by.

"How am I supposed to mooch if you don't prepare your food and beverages to my liking?"

Maura laughs again, reaching to take the coffee back. Their fingers graze each other.

Was fall always so vibrant?

She clears her throat. "I've been thinking," she says and Jane turns to look at her. "We could fit a little play structure back here."

She watches out of the corner of her eye as Jane contemplates the back yard. "Those are expensive," she says finally.

Maura feels her heart lift. "Well…" she pretends to consider this statement, though she is really working out how to manage Jane's pride. "We could go halves…since you couldn't take it with you…" She pauses, "if you had to go."

"Mama!" Zoe has spotted her, and comes running towards her, Maya in hot pursuit. When they reach the adults, Maya collapses against Maura and Zoe climbs up into Jane's lap.

"Didja hear from Gramma, Ma? Can she come?" Maya asks from Maura's lap.

Jane looks at her for a moment, and then pulls her cell phone out of her pocket, holding it up. "What does this say?" She asks, smiling at Maura as her daughter begins to sound out the words.

"cah, cah, cant w-wait to sssseee you. Can't wait to see you! hooray!" Maya pulls herself up from Maya's lap, running off again. "I'm going to be the best cake ever!" she cries, and Zoe struggles after her, calling "cake!"

Maya laughs, but stops when she looks at Jane. The other woman is looking at her, face hard to read.

"Jane?"

"It has to have a slide that goes in a circle," she says quietly. "And swings."

Maura nods, something warm settling in her chest, next to her heart.

"Halves," Jane says firmly, and she reaches for Maura's coffee again, wrinkling her nose when she sips.

Maura rolls her eyes, but she can feel herself grinning. "Halves."

…

…

The car ride home from the play is silent, and although there is no real tension, the doctor can practically feel Jane thinking in the seat next to her.

Everything had gone well, objectively. Angela and Frankie had arrived on time, Angela with a dozen pink tulips wrapped up in tissue paper for "her budding star of a granddaughter."

Frankie had taken picture upon picture, Maura's personal favorite being of the brother and sister engaged in a furious thumb war, each with an identical look of manic competition on their faces.

And Maya had indeed been a wonderful cake, calling out her line loudly, and enthusiastically and twice (since the first time got her a laugh that she greatly enjoyed), and Zoe had yelled "Hi Maya!" from the audience until Maya had waved back, whispering to the apple next to her, "that's my sister," and prompting another roll of laughter from the audience.

As they drive, Maura keeps replaying the night over in her head. How Jane had handed Zoe off to her so that she could bend down and hug her daughter as she came bursting out from behind the curtain. How Jane had scooped Zoe back into her arms so that Maura too could hug the little girl.

How she had insisted all of them, Frankie and Angela too, come up and meet her teacher, as short middle aged woman with a kind smile.

"This is my family," Maya had said, beaming as Jane had reached out to shake the woman's hand.

"Jane Rizzoli," She'd said clasping the teacher's hand.

"Yeah," Maya had said. "This is my Ma, this is My gramma and my uncle Frankie…my sister Zoe," and then she'd taken Maura's hand pulling her forward a little too.

"And this is my Maura."

.

"Maura?"

The doctor snaps her head around. Jane is looking at her in half light from the streetlamps outside.

"hmm?" Maura says absently. "What is it?"

"Well," Jane almost smiles, "You've been sitting here waiting to turn left into your drive for about three minutes now," she says quietly. "There hasn't been a car for about two and a half."

Maura blushes furiously, pulling the car into the driveway of her house.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs turning off the car engine. "I was…"

"Thinking," Jane says, and her eyes stay on the doctor's profile long enough for Maura to feel hot all over again. "Yeah," the brunette continues. "I know."

They bring the kids inside. They put them to bed. Maura knows where their little shoes go. She knows the drawers where their pajamas are folded. She knows that Zoe likes to sleep on her stomach, with her bear on her left.

She leaves the girls rooms before Jane can kiss them good night. There are tears in her eyes, and so she finds the living room from memory. She stands in the middle of the room and tries to get ahold of herself.

It is too much. Having this family here. Knowing them the way she does, feeling for them the way she does. And always being on the outside.

It is too much.

"Maura." Jane, in the doorway. Her voice soft.

Maura shakes her head, not trusting herself to speak. But she hears Jane cross the room anyway. "Maur," closer, close enough that Maura can feel breath on the back of her neck. She shakes her head again, and turns around, wanting to say good night. Needing to get away before something happens that she can't take back.

But she is too late.

Maura's eyes close as the long fingers slip into her hair. The sensation is better than she'd imagined, it leaves her extremities feeling tingly, like they've fallen asleep.

"Maura," there's something about the way Jane says her name that makes the doctor open her eyes. What she sees in Jane's face makes her gasp.

It is desire, at war with itself, there is no other way to describe it. Jane's eyes move from the doctor's chin, to her lips, to her nose. Up, up, up with agonizing slowness, and then back down, settling on her mouth again.

"My Maura."

And Maura wants to say, _do it. _Wants to say _kiss me_. wants to press herself hard against the woman in front of her until some of her pain and suffering is transferred. Until Jane is hers, and they can share whatever pain is left.

She opens her mouth. "Don't," she says softly.

Jane blinks, and when she opens her eyes, they have gotten darker. "I want to," she says, and her voice sounds the way fire does on fresh pine. It sparks her.

And Maura is not a selfish woman, she is _not, _but god damnit. She wants this too.

"Please," the doctor whispers, and Jane's hand contracts in her hair, her eyes jumping to meet Maura's, confused and a little hurt. Questioning.

Maura takes a shaky breath. "Don't kiss me," she breathes, "anywhere that you aren't going to kiss me again."

She watches Jane hesitate, pulling back slightly, weighing the words in her mind. turning them over. And then she leans in, the hand in Maura's hair drawing her irresistibly forward too, and Maura closes her eyes, holding her breath, terrified and elated and on fire.

Jane's lips brush the side of her mouth, at the place where her smile would turn up, if she were smiling.

Maura's sharp intake of breath makes the brunette loosen her hold by a fraction, and pull back. And Maura doesn't have the chance to feel the loss, because Jane is leaning in again, and her lips are on the base of the doctor's ear. Her teeth bite gently at Maura's earlobe. and hen she is moving down, over the doctor's chin, and with a slight tugging of her hair, Maura tilts her head back and feels lips on her throat, at the bend of her neck, on the exposed skin of her shoulder.

"Oh," she says quietly, and her hands come to rest in the small of Jane's back, holding her there.

Each kiss is chaste, but slow and deliberate, and Maura knows that Jane has understood her plea, that she is only picking places she will revisit.

"Maura," Jane says against her shoulder, and the blonde is startled to hear the threat of tears in her voice. "Maura."

And her hands move up to Jane's shoulders pulling her closer, and Jane's hand moves down to the back of Maura's neck, and they embrace.

It is as though they have been doing it for years, the doctor is both surprised and unsurprised at how well they fit.

It seems to startle Jane, though and she pulls away jerkily, and then fits them back together, as though making sure it is not a fluke. She shudders as they come together a second time, and Maura knows that she can feel it too.

"Tell me," she whispers against the dark brown locks. "Tell me what you need."

Jane shivers again, and her whisper is strained when she replies, "be with me."

Maura nods, knowing she doesn't mean sexually, but unable to stop the thrill of pleasure that shoots through her at the words. Jane pulls Maura closer. "Be with me…even though." She doesn't finish.

She doesn't have to.

Maura pulls back, and takes Jane hands in her own. she tugs the fingers when she starts to walk, and for the second time, Jane follows her without question.

…

The brunette's room is eerie in the darkness. the pictures on the walls glimmer in the light from outside, and make the room feel both close and far at the same time. Hundreds of miniature mirrors. Maura shuts the door, and turns to Jane. The taller woman looks back at her, eyes wide. Maura takes a breath and crosses the room. She puts her hands on either side of Jane's face, watching as the brunette fights with herself. It looks agonizing.

"Can I kiss you?" Maura's heart feels like it will beat out of her chest. She has never been so bold.

"Nowhere I can't reciprocate," Jane breathes, and Maura leans forward to press a kiss to Jane's cheeks.

"Can I stay with you?"

Jane hesitates, and her eyes flick around the room once, before landing back on the doctor's.

"Here?"

Maura nods, pulling Jane close to her. "You don't have to choose," she whispers, and Jane tenses so she says it again.

"You don't have to choose."

And the woman in her arms crumples.

They don't undress.

They don't speak, or kiss again, or even hold each other tightly before falling into sleep.

Maura takes Jane's hand in her own, and presses it to her heart. She breathes in and out, focusing on making each inhale the same length as the exhale. Jane follows suit.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Until they are both sleeping deeply, fingers entwined, heartbeats in sync.


	11. Chapter 11

She stands, looking out at the city, breath coming hard enough to cause a ripple of pain in her chest. It is windy and cold and not even six in the morning yet, and she bounces on the balls of her feet, trying to keep the chill from creeping into her joints. Behind her, she can hear Barry Frost drawing closer, huffing and puffing as he pulls himself up the hill after her.

"God…Dammit," he chokes, coming to stand beside her and resting his hands on his knees. "Did you even have a child? Did you _really _get shot in the hip?"

She grins at him, reaching out to pull at his shoulder. "Stand up straight," she says, trying to hide her chuckle. "Stand up and breathe or you'll cramp and I'll have to fireman carry you home."

"Like you could," he wheezes, but he does as she says, lifting his hands up to the top of his head.

"That was three miles," he says after a couple deep breaths. "Didn't even take you twenty minutes."

Jane glances down at her watch, "19:47," she says, feeling a little disappointed. "I used to have a five minute mile."

Frost rolls his eyes, but his voice is closer to gentle when he speaks. "Yeah, and then you got shot…three times."

She sighs, flexing her shoulders, and walks over to a nearby bench so that she can stretch out her calves. Frost follows, looking suspicious.

"What's up Jane?" He asks, lifting a foot to the seat of the bench so he can stretch his quad. "That time is five plus minutes under that the bureau says you have to have for a three mile. And you'll be more than six under when you run it on the track? Why are you stressing?"

"I'm not stressing," she snaps, her tone proving the opposite. She sighs again, shaking her head. "I haven't even tried a hand to hand situation yet," she says quietly. "And McDonald will never sign off on my return."

Frost pauses, looking at her. She rarely brings up the subject of her therapy. He purses his lips, thinking.

"You don't think you're making progress?"

She glares at him, but answers, "not enough to come back." She turns away from him so he can study her face. "I'm not sleeping right, that's like their biggest red flag. Last night was the first time I got more than three hours in a row." It's out before she can stop it, and she bites her lip, hoping against hope that Frost will just let it go.

He doesn't. "Well, what was different about last night?" he asks reasonably.

She doesn't answer right away, but leans down into a back stretch for something to do. She's only wearing a pair of running shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt, and the fall air is starting to make her shiver. Or maybe it's something else that's making her chest quake like that.

"Jay?"

She rubs her arms, "Maura was there," she says quickly, hoping her words will run together and he won't understand her.

Instead his eyes go wide and shocked. "W-what?" he splutters. "You-You slept with Maura?"

Jane feels herself go red and she reaches out to smack at him. "No!" she barks. "No, I did not sleep with Maura," she says, running both her hands through her hair. "She just…we just…" she looks up at him, as if he will have her missing words, but he looks back still flabbergasted. "She just held my hand."

Frost stares. "She held your hand." His voice is monotone, which is worse than if he were yelling.

"Don't say it like…" she stops, shaking her head.

"Like what Jane?" he asks sharply.

"Nothing…it wasn't. It wasn't a big deal. She helped me put the girls to bed. She was emotional because-" but she stops again, because the reason for Maura's emotions have just come back to her, and she doesn't want to share them with Frost.

"Because why?" he asks, stepping closer to her. "No, let me guess, because she's in love with you."

Jane whirls, her eyes wide. She opens her mouth to contradict him but she can think of nothing to say. Frost looks mollified. "And so…instead of telling her that you're not in love with her, you take her to your room and you…hold her hand."

Jane shuts her eyes, shaking her head, but at once she sees Maura looking up at her, hands gentle on her face. _You don't have to choose._

"Yes I do," she mutters.

Frost looks confused. "What?"

Jane shakes her head, walking a couple paces from him, trying to keep her cool. "You're acting like this is…like this is a huge fucking deal." Kate never liked it when she swore. The last time she did, Maura flinched.

"It's not a big deal, Frost," she says quietly.

And he moves towards her, eyes wide, "Yes, it is, Jane. Think of all the people involved. It's not just you and whatever need you had that you wanted satisfied. What about Maura? She's not the best reader of social queues. What if she thinks you two are going to…" he trails off at the look on Jane's face. "What about your kids, Jane?" he asks quietly, and Jane hears w_hat about Kate's kids._

"I'm not betraying her," Jane growls, and she leans herself forward against the bench. "This is not a betrayal."

And Frost tilts his head, looking at her. "I never said it was," he says quietly. "I never even hinted at that."

And she can feel tears stinging at the backs of her eyes. She blinks them away quickly, hoping Frost doesn't see.

"Jane," she can tell by his voice that he has. But she doesn't want to talk about it. He spends all day with Maura at the precinct, of course he knows her feelings better than she does. She doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't think she has it in her to hear about how she is going to let another woman down…again.

So she turns and runs, starting back down the hill, her shoes slapping the pavement hard enough to send little fissures of pain up into her hip bone.

…

…

"Hey," Jane is in the doorway behind her. She is back from her run.

Maura doesn't turn around. "Neither girl is awake yet," she says, keeping her focus on the sink. "I think the play really wore them out last night."

"Thank you…for watching them."

She can feel Jane's eyes on her back. She knows that the brunette is waiting for her to turn around, but she stays where she is, calling on every instinct towards self-preservation that she owns. If she looks at Jane now she will see last night. She will feel the way Jane's skin felt under her mouth and the way her hand at pressed at her heartbeat like it was trying to read a map. She will look at her and remember waking up this morning, the way her eyes had opened and focused on Maura with a crushing sort of intensity. The way she had sucked in a breath and then hadn't let it out.

Fractured.

And Maura was too heavy to move her hands, too heavy to flee the way her brain was ordering her too. She was too heavy and too sorry. Jane staring at her with those eyes, like she doesn't believe what she is seeing, and in the bright light from the window the pictures on the wall were bright and shiny like accusations.

Maura had fractured her, when all she'd meant to do was offer her shelter. She cannot turn around now and face that knowledge. She cannot.

"Maura?" Jane's voice is surprisingly gentle, worryingly apologetic.

"Sorry," she says, half turning, keeping her eyes trained on the refrigerator. "Sorry, I was thinking…what did you say?"

"I asked if you remembered that today I'm taking the girls to have lunch with Frankie." Still the same soft voice, curving around the words like Jane could stop them from piercing her. "do you still want to come?"

Maura shakes her head, speaking before she can plan the sentence out. "No!" she says, too forcefully, and she feels Jane step back. "No," she opens the refrigerator for something to do, and speaks to the eggs. "You should go and have some time with your brother and…" she blinks into the chilled air, "and it will be good for the girls to spend some time with their uncle."

There is silence, like Jane has disappeared, but Maura can still feel her there, on the other side of the door, looking at her. She wants to shut the door and look Jane in the eyes. Ask her why she left this morning before they could talk. Why she avoided Maura's eyes and shut the door to the house so quietly when she left. She wants to ask what Katherine's favorite spot on her body was. If her dead wife ever appreciated the narrow dip between Jane's shoulder blades. She blinks away the wetness in her eyes and shuts the refrigerator, steeling herself to look the brunette in the face. But their eyes only meet for half a second before Jane is turning away, towards the pounding of feet in the hall, and a moment later, Maya appears, followed quickly by Zoe, and the thing that each child carries in her hand makes the doctor feel light headed with dread.

"Mama," Maya says, holding up a dark velvety high heeled shoe. "Whose shoe is this?"

…

Maura thinks that she has never experienced anything worse than watching Maya understand what her shoes in Jane's room signify. She watches as the little face goes sour, her eyes narrowing as she looks up at the doctor.

"You were in Mama's bed," Maya says icily.

She means it the way a six year old would mean it, but Maura still goes crimson. She knots her hands together in front of her, and then undoes them to smooth the folds of her skirt.

"Yes," she says, and her voice shakes a little. "I was."

Jane moves towards her daughter, but Maya backs up, her bare feet slapping on the wood floor.

"Smalls," she says quietly. "don't-"  
But Maya interrupts her. "You stayed there all night?" She directs her question at Maura, who looks at Jane for help.

The brunette moves forward again, reaching for her daughter. "Yes," she says, and Maura is both terrified and impressed by Jane's honest. "She did, bug."

Zoe taps Maura's shoe idly against the wall, and then holds it up to her ear like a telephone. Her eyes shine excitedly at Maura. "Hello hello!" she says, giggling. "Hello? Mommy?"

Maya dashes across the room at her sister, smacking the shoe from her sister's hand. "Stop it!" she howls, sounding close to tears. "Stop it you stupid baby!"

And Jane reaches her in one stride, lifting her up as though she weighs less than a cup of coffee and turning to the couch, Maya screaming in her arms.

"You were on Mommy's side!" She yells, her face is red and contorted. It makes Maura step back. "That side you had shoes on is MY. MOMMY'S. SIDE."  
"Shhh," Jane says quietly, sinking onto the couch with Maya in her lap. "Shhh."

"I'm sorry," Maura says, feeling chocked up herself. "I didn't-" but Jane throws her a look, and she stops. "I'm sorry," she whispers again, but neither hears her over Maya's crying.

She is sorry. She is sorry that she slept the night on Katherine's side of the bed, sorry that her usually rational mind was so clouded that she left her shoes behind. Sorry that when she woke up and saw that she and Jane were still holding hands, a trickle of pleasure slipped into her stomach.

She is sorry that she enjoyed it.

"You're not Mommy." Maya yells, and Maura takes a step forward, even though Jane's eyes flash warning at her. "No," she says quickly. "I'm not. You only have one mommy."

Maya looks a little appeased at this, but she kicks back against Jane's shin with the heel of her foot.

Jane responds by kissing the side of her head. "Stop it, Maya," she says quietly. "You're alright. I'm right here. Everyone is okay." The little girl seems to sink against her.

"How come you didn't tell me you were gonna be in there?" This might be a question for Jane, but it is Maura who answers.

"I'm sorry," she says again, though she knows that this time, she will have to say more. "I know it must have been a little frightening…to see my things in your mother's room." She pauses, taking another step forward. She keeps her eyes focused on Maya, even though she can feel Jane watching her. "It's hard," she says quietly, "When things change."

Maya shakes her head, but doesn't answer. Her anger seems to have melted into a quiet sadness. She pushes her feet back against her mother, like reassurance, and her shoulders rise and fall heavily.

Maura gathers herself, wondering at the amount of courage she's had to pull on in order to talk to this little girl. "Maya," she says hoping her voice sound firm, but careful. "It's alright for you to be mad at me, but I need you to understand something."

Blue eyes turn to meet hers, waiting.

"I would never," she says quietly, "ever hurt you, or your mother, okay?" She wants to move close enough to touch, but she doesn't. Something holds her back. "I would never hurt Zoe. I promise."

Maya doesn't answer for a long time. Legs swing back and forth.

When she looks up at Maura, her eyes are so full of tears that the doctor thinks it is amazing they haven't spilled over yet. She is strong and brave and proud, just like her mother.

"Mommy didn't hurt us," She says forcefully. And she struggles up, pulling herself out of her mother's arms. As though she cannot stay still when they are inside of her. She stands in front of both of them, her tiny chest heaving.  
"Mommy didn't hurt us," she says again, louder this time. "Mommy _left _us." And with that she turns and runs towards front door. She pulls it open and slams it shut behind her, before Jane can stand and pick Zoe up to follow her.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't-" Jane says, already hurrying after her, Zoe clinging around her neck, lip quivering with her own empathetic tears. Maura watches her go, eyes wide, only managing to shake her head and gesture that Jane should follow her daughter, make sure she's okay.

But as soon as the door to her house shuts, she can't help but bursts into tears.

…

…

"You look good Jay," Frankie bounces Zoe on his knee as they watch Maya slip down the slide into the ball pit. "I meant to tell you last night."

"Uncle Frankie, Uncle Frankie! Watch meeee!" She giggles madly, and Jane experiences a thrill of irrational fear as her dark head disappears momentarily beneath the thousands of plastic balls.

Jane sits forward, her muscles tense, ready to go after her, but a second later, her head reappears in the brightly colored sea, and she opens her mouth and laughs.

She looks just like Katherine.

As they drove away from the house, Maya's fury had abated and turned into nervous excitement at seeing her uncle. She hadn't wanted to speak about Maura or Katherine again, and so Jane had let the subject drop, feeling guilty at the wash of relief that accompanied a change of subject.

She turns back to Frankie to see that he is still studying her, waiting for her to respond. She hasn't heard him.  
"Huh?"

He chuckles, and places Zoe on the seat next to him, reaching for his cheeseburger. "I said you look good. You've got some of your color back."

She snorts, "How would you know?" The words are too harsh, too accusing. She picks up her own burger, and then puts it back down, sighing. Is she determined to hurt everyone today?

"Also, McDonalds, Frankie? What are we, eight?" She offers a teasing smile here, hoping he will see she is trying to smooth the moment over.

He looks at her, and grins. "You said somewhere kid friendly!"

Jane relaxes a little. It has always been easiest with Frankie. "Yeah…but not at the expense of my cholesterol."

Frankie shrugs. "What kid can resist a ball pit?"

As if to prove his point, Zoe slips down from her chair and makes a bee line for the play area where Maya is waiting in line for the ball pit again.

"Hold on there, little b," Jane says reaching an arm to hold her back. Unable to articulate just how desperately she wants to play with her sister, Zoe lets go a loud disgruntled cry.

"Ah, let her go, Jane," Frankie says, "We can see her through the glass," he waves a Maya, who waves back excitedly, and Jane sighs, releasing her youngest reluctantly.

Brother and sister watch her go, pulling herself up the little ladder to stand next to Maya.

"Ma never brought us to a play place," Frankie says a little wistfully.

"Maura would say that they are crawling with bacteria," Jane says, aware that her voice sounds affectionate. She clears her throat, trying to sit up straighter. Frankie is not fooled.

"Dr. Isles," he says, though it is not for clarification, his eyes study Jane as she fidgets. "It's been what, now…three months…" He waits, but Jane doesn't answer. "You guys are close?"

Jane feels herself going red. "Yes," she says finally, because she knows that Frankie will see right through a lie.

"Real close," he says, and it's not a question.

Jane glares at him. "What are you, all knowing now? Mind your business."

Frankie raises his eyebrows. "Hey, listen. I worked with Maura when I was a rookie coming out of the Academy. Before I transferred over to Dorchester to do my beat work. She's good people."

And Jane finds herself nodding. "Yeah…she is."

"You guys seemed…pretty close at the play," Frankie says, trying for casual, but only half succeeding.

Jane's mouth twitches, remembering the way Maura had kept Zoe busy while they'd waited for the play to start, bouncing her up and down on her knees, reciting the periodic table to her in a way that made the elements rhyme.

"She's good with my kids," Jane says, aware her voice has that tone again.

Frankie pauses for a moment, and then leans forward, food forgotten. "Jane…Do you love her?"

Jane runs a hand over her face, trying to keep a hold the irrational anger she feels at the question. "No!" she says, too quickly, and then, "I…it feels…she's…" Jane shakes her head, and Frankie leans back, surveying her.

"You do," he says quietly, and something about the certainty in his voice makes her blood boil.

"No," She says firmly. "I don't. I can't, I…" She takes a breath, trying to remember what her therapist had said about keeping calm. "It's comfortable," she says finally. "she helps me with the girls. We carpool to the precinct." Jane sighs. "At night, she drinks wine and I grab a beer and we just…we sort of…talk." Jane shakes her head.

"I get it," Frankie says, looking at her.

She scoffs, "No you don't."

But he leans forward, and his face looks a little fierce. "Yes, Jane," he says roughly, "I do. You know, you're not the only one who lived."

Jane blinks at him, caught off guard. "What?"

"You left for Chicago, and we didn't get put on hold. Tommy grew up. I grew up…You don't think I understand what you're saying because you think I'm still a kid."

But Jane cuts across him, her voice rising. "No!" she says forcefully. How many times has she said that word today. "I don't think you'll understand what I'm saying because _I _don't understand what I'm saying."

She runs a hand through her hair and looks around self-consciously. "I slept with Maura last night," she says, and then waves her hand trying to quiet his sputtering.

"No," she says quickly. "No…she slept _with _me…like, she slept in my bed." Jane pauses trying to marshal her thoughts. "She held my hand…she helped me breathe until I fell asleep."

She glances at Frankie and then away again, rubbing the back of her neck, finally deciding to just take the chance. "It was so fucking…comfortable, Frankie," she says quietly. "It was like I could just…stop for a minute, you know? Take a breath. And when I woke up…I was _glad_ she was there."

Frankie nods, but doesn't say anything.

Jane shakes her head. "But Maya found her shoes in my room this morning though and threw a fit. Like a real tantrum. She hasn't had one like that since she was four."

"Of course she did. She's a kid."

Jane looks at him like he's crazy, and he smiles a little, pointing again through the glass. "She looks okay now," he says, "doesn't look like the doctor's shoes scarred her." And Jane turns to see Maya waiting impatiently in line for the ball pit, whispering something excitedly to Zoe. She turns back, shaking her head.

Frankie sighs. "Look, do you care about her?"

Jane frowns. "That's beside the point."

Frankie chuckles, "You're still the same…in places, Jane," he says, and she's struck by the urge to fake punch him, the way she would Frost or Korsak. "So you care about her," he says. "And you're what…afraid of being disloyal? Afraid of another commitment?"

Both are too close to the truth for Jane's liking. She huffs and rolls her shoulders.

"Just say it, Jane," Frankie says quietly.

Jane hangs her head so she doesn't have to look him in the eyes. "She cares about me, Frankie. She might even love me…and…I don't know how I feel." Jane sighs, turning to look at her kids. "My kids are settled and happy, and…they like it there. I can't let them down again." She bites the inside of her cheek for a moment, focusing on the everlasting embarrassment she would feel at crying in a McDonalds. "And I can't let another woman who cares about me down…I just. I can't."

And Frankie doesn't laugh at her. He doesn't tell her that she didn't let her kids down, or that she didn't let Kate down. He doesn't tell her she has to move out, or that she has to go back. He leans forward, and he nods at her. And his eyes are her eyes, his jaw, hers.

He is her brother. And she missed him.

"Tell her that, Janie," he says firmly. "Just tell her."

She missed him.

She throws a french fry at him so he knows.

…

…

Jane finds Maura in her study. Maura can hear her standing in the door, trying to decide what to say. She'd heard the now familiar tune of Maya's favorite cartoon, and knew it was only a matter of time before Jane appeared at her door.

"I thought detectives were supposed to be stealthy," she says lightly, turning in her chair.

Jane smirks, "I'm not a detective," she says quietly "Not yet."

"Soon," Maura says, standing up. Her cry earlier today seems to have grounded her. Now all she wants to do is talk.

Jane shrugs. "Listen, Maura," she rolls her shoulders. "Listen, about last night."

Maura shakes her head, moving forward. "No…Jane-"

"I just want you to know…"

"No…please, let me explain-"

"I don't want to hurt you," they both say it at the same time, and Maura chuckles, watching Jane's lips turn up a little.

"Well," the doctor says, smoothing the sides of her skirt. "That's good to know."

The smile on Jane's lips disappears, and she steps closer, eyebrows pulling together. "Did you think I wanted to hurt you, Maura?" she asks seriously. Her eyes skim Maura's face, looking for an answer.

"No…" Maura says, looking away so that Jane doesn't see that she's choked up out of relief. "No…I just. I just thought you might…you might regret what happened between us…especially in light of Maya's reaction to-"

"I don't," Jane says roughly, and she rakes a hand through her hair, "I don't."

"Okay," Maura says,"I don't either."

They stand for a moment, close enough to embrace. But they don't.

Jane opens her mouth and then shuts it. She shakes her head a little. Maura waits. "I…I haven't slept that well in a long time." Maura flushes, pleasure coursing through her. "But I…I don't know how I…" Jane huffs, frustrated. "I don't want to make you think that I…"

But the doctor shakes her head, and she reaches out and puts her on Jane's arm. "I understand," she takes a breath. "I do, Jane, alright? Maybe we just go…a little slower then," she gives Jane's arm a squeeze.

"Maya's afraid of us getting close." Jane doesn't look up at her, but keeps her eyes focused on the desk in front of her. Maura waits, knowing not to prompt her. "She thinks that if we get close…something will-will happen to you." Her voice catches, and Maura looks up at her.

"Are…you afraid of that too, Jane?"

Jane swallows, the muscles in her shoulders tensing and relaxing. She nods once, and her fingers curl by her side, as she struggles to control herself. "Yes," she says finally. "And other things."

"Ah," Maura says. She can guess what those things are. One of the things she likes about Jane is her loyalty.

"Would you like to go back to cohabitating?" She asks quietly. "Just being civil?"

Jane closes her eyes, shaking her head.

Maura can't stop her relieved smile. "Are you still up for taking the girls to look at play structures? That was what was planned for the rest of our day."

Jane turns, and her dark eyes burn into Maura's. "I don't know…" she says slowly, "how much I can…" her hands move in front of her as she searches for the words. "I don't know what I can…"

Maura smiles, taking both of the hands in hers. She feels Jane suppress a shiver. "Slower," she says quietly. "It's just a play structure," she looks up at Jane. "Swings? A slide that goes in a circle?"

And Jane smiles, truly smiles at her. And that's all Maura really wants.

"And Monkey bars."


	12. Chapter 12

Maura does not care for Halloween.

She was eleven and living in New York when her first chance to celebrate the holiday had presented itself. She can still remember the layout of the classroom she had been in when she'd first been introduced to the idea of trick or treating, of carving pumpkins and dressing up in a costume.

She'd gone straight home and read up on it, her excitement mounting as she tried to decide who she would dress up like. What she would do with the candy she got from trick or treating.

She imagined herself sitting with the popular children at school the next day, trading butterfingers for kit kats and hershey's bars. Laughing with her new friends.

And so two nights before Halloween, she'd gotten up the courage to ask her mother to take her out for a costume.

Constance Isles was in her study, working on her latest grant, and when Maura had knocked, she hadn't even looked up.

"Mother?"

"Yes darling," distracted. Constance was always distracted.  
"I wanted to ask you…"

"Maura, honey, stand up straight. You don't want to get scoliosis."

Maura had straightened and tried again. "Mother, will you take me to get a costume tomorrow?"

Her mother had put down her pen and taken off her glasses, looking at Maura like she was a stranger. "A costume?"

Maura fidgeted with the pleat of her skirt. "Yes, mother. Halloween is come-"

But Constance had laughed, turning back to her work. "Halloween," she said chuckling. "What a silly holiday. No, sweetheart, I refused to participate in anyway. If you want to, you shall have to do it yourself." And Maura had understood herself to be dismissed.

But she had done it herself. The image of new friends and a place to sit in the cafeteria had been too strong of a pull to turn down, and she had gone back to her room and opened her wardrobe, intent on using anything at her disposal to make herself a costume.

She had pulled out the gown she'd worn to her mother's second wedding, the wedding that had landed them here, and she had held it up to herself in the mirror.

"There," she'd said quietly to herself. "I'm a princess."

And for at least the first half hour after she'd stepped out into the street, clutching her Prada handbag and imagining it full of candy…

She had been.

…..

After that year, she stopped celebrating it. Of course she did. She didn't tell anyone what happened, and the next three days she took off of school went unnoticed by her mother and her teachers alike.

She stopped celebrating and each year when the end of October rolled around, she would find a project to engross herself in. She would devote herself to learning all the countries in Africa, their capitals and their populations. She would learn the periodic table of elements, studying and studying until she could create the chart – in its entirety – from memory. She would read and read about human anatomy, until when she closed her eyes, she could watch the bones of a skeleton clicking together, a movie of her own making in her head.

For four years, Maura ignored the shouts and squeals of the other children as they ran to and fro beneath her bedroom window, calling out to each other. She ignored it, and told herself that they were foolish to waste their time gathering candy that would lead to tooth decay, and forging friendships that, according to her research, were unlikely to last into high school.

Four years, and by the last one, she had almost succeeded in convincing herself that she didn't care, that the month she spent buried, filling her mind with any and all information she could get her hands on was much more valuable than whatever she might have learned roaming the streets dressed like a witch or a ghoul.

Four years. And she was erudite and impenetrable.

And then her family moved back to Europe, and she hadn't had to think about Halloween anymore.

But now, with two little girls in the house, the approaching holiday is welcomed with open arms and furious debates about costumes. Zoe wants to be a bear. She announces this at the breakfast table one morning, so excited that she puts her elbow into her bowl of cheerios.

"What kind of bear, little b?" Jane asks, smiling as Maura lifts Zoe's dripping arm to wipe it with a napkin.

Zoe giggles, leaning towards Maura, "Big grumbly," she says trying to make a fearsome face that just ends up making Maura swoon a little bit. "rawrrawr!" She curls her little hands like claws. "Rawrrr," she says again, and Jane shakes her head, chuckling.

"Got it," she says "I'll see what they have at the party warehouse. What about you, Maya? What would you like to be for Halloween?"

Maya doesn't look up from her plate. Although she hasn't had an outburst like the one a couple weeks ago, she is much more standoffish than she used to be. She no longer clamors to sit next to Maura at the table, and the doctor knows that Maya has been sleeping in Jane's bed almost every night since.

"Maya," Jane prompts gently. Maura's heard them talking, has heard Jane be both reassuring and gentle, and firm and no-nonsense. Neither have seemed to have a huge effect when it comes to the way she interacts with Maura.

Maya looks up at her mother, and then across the table. "I want to be a 'tographer," she says steadily.

Maura feels herself stiffen and she looks at Jane, to see how she's taking the news. If this declaration bothers her, the brunette is hiding it well.

"Okay," she says casually, "what do photographers wear?"

Maya seems brought up short by her mother's tacit approval of her choice. She thinks for a moment. "Camera," she says final. "and a t-shirt and leggings."

Jane nods, and although her face doesn't betray her, her hand shakes almost imperceptibly as she lifts her coffee. "Okay," she says "I bet I could find you one of mommy's light shades. Or we could make one out of cardboard. Would you like that?"

Maya doesn't smile, but she nods without hesitation. "Can I watch cartoons?" she asks after a moment.

Jane glances at her plate. "What do you say?"

Maya looks at Maura, "thank you for breakfast. Can I be 'scused?"

Maura smiles and nods, and the little girl slips from the table, heading towards the living room. Jane reaches out and pulls her back at the last minute, wrapping her in a one armed hug, kissing the side of her head.

"Love you, bug," she says quietly, and when she releases her daughter, Maura can see a little smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Jane watches her go and then turns back to Maura. "Alright?" she asks, and Maura understands that she is asking if it's alright that Maya is still rebelling, if Maura still wants to come pumpkin picking with them that afternoon, if they are all still on for carving tonight.

Maura smiles, nodding. "Yes," she says quickly, leaning back as Zoe climbs monkey-like, in to her lap. "Yes."

…

They pick three, large, round pumpkins from a place outside of Revere, and lug them home, the girl's faces rosy from running around in the chilly fall air.  
Maura watches Jane unloading the pumpkins from the car and feels a rush of arousal sweep through her as she flexes to carry them into the house.

"when was the last time you carved a pumpkin?" Jane says, thudding the last one down on the kitchen counter.

Maura pulls up two stools for the girls. "Oh Goodness, she says, bending to pick Maya up and set her on one, "it's been forever."  
Jane helps Maura up beside them and the three of them set to work opening up the tops of the pumpkins and scooping out their insides.

"Oh My GOSH GROSS!" Maya says happily, plunging her hands into her pumpkin. Maura wrinkles her nose, laughing, and Maya shoots her a glare.

"little b," Jane says as Zoe tugs at the juice her mother has just set down in front of her, "be care-" but it's too late. The entire cup overturns, all down Zoe's front.

The toddler squawks unhappily and then bursts into tears.

"Aww, bug," Jane says sighing, moving around Maura to scoop her up. "Alright," she says sighing again as Zoe clings to her, getting her wet too. "Alright," she glances at Maura, "Let's go change. "You alright, smalls?"

Maya nods, not looking up from her pumpkin, And Jane shoots a meaningful glance at Maura before disappearing down the hall with her wailing daughter.

The doctor is left alone with Maya. She feels irrationally nervous.

Maya doesn't look at her.

"I think your costume is going to be great," Maura says more to break the silence than anything, and the little girl looks up at her, light blue eyes flashing with something that is more fearful than anger.

"I _want _to be one," she says a little fiercely.

Maura nods, willing herself to be steady, the way Jane was this morning. "Yes," she says, "It's going to be-"

"No," Maura interrupts. "I want to be one for real life."

Maura raises her eyebrows, understanding. "Oh, you mean you want to be a photographer when you grow up? As a career?"

Maya nods, looking back down at her pumpkin. She starts to color it yellow. Maura considers her for a moment before speaking again.

"Would you like to be a photographer because your mother was a photographer?"

Maya frowns, reaching deep down into her pumpkin and pulling out a handful of pulp and seeds. She looks at the insides of the pumpkin, and her lower lip quivers a little. "She let me keep her trophies in my room," she says quietly. Maura doesn't respond, but she sets the spoon she's been using to clean out her pumpkin down.

"She would make me books to read from some of her pictures." Maya looks up at her. "She said really seeing is the most important thing in the world…really seeing something."

Maura smiles, "You mother says you are just like her," she says quietly, watching as Maya tries to hide her smile. "You will be a wonderful photographer."

But the little girl's pleasure vanishes immediately, and is replaced by misery. "I won't be as good as her."

Maura wipes her hand on her scrubs, frowning. "Maya," she says firmly, "I want to tell you something." Maya blinks at her. "But it is very important," Maura continues, "So I need you to come around here and sit next to me."

Much to Maura's surprise, Maya comes without hesitation, climbing up onto the stool next to her, and looking up into the doctor's face.

"Do you know why I'm a doctor?" she asks quietly, sitting down too. Maya shakes her head, and Maura swallows, preparing herself. "My father was a doctor," she says quietly. "He was a doctor for little kids, like you." Maya's eyes widen a little, and Maura smiles. "I was so proud of him. I thought he was the best doctor that anyone ever had…I used to tell everyone that he was a doctor and that no one could compare to him."

Maya bites her lip, "My mommy was the best 'tographer in the nation. There was even a magazine that said so."

Maura nods. "Yes, magazines wrote about my father too. And I was so happy that he was my father, the same way that you were happy that your mommy was yours. And he and I were very happy. We had lots of fun together, and I always felt safe and loved when I was with him." Maura tries to keep the tremor out of her voice, and then gives up, thinking that if Maya hears it, she will know that the doctor is sincere.

"But then something bad happened," Maura says quietly and the little girl puts her hand out, grasping the doctor's fingers. The sudden contact, in addition to the subject matter, bring tears to Maura's eyes.

"I know what happened," Maya says quietly. "Your daddy went to heaven."

Maura swallows again, but nods. "Yes," she says.

"Did a bad man come and take him away from you?"

Maura shakes her head. "No…he got very sick…and he couldn't get better."

Maya looks sincerely sorry. "Oh no," she breathes, and her hand squeezes Maura's fingers. "Oh no."

The doctor shakes her head, trying to keep her focus. There is a point to this story. "Yes. I was very, very sad for a very long time. Sometimes I still get sad. And I decided that I would be a doctor, because my father was a doctor, and I would find a cure for the thing that took him away. I wanted to make him proud, just like you want to make your mommy proud."

Maya's eyes are fixed on Maura's face, her features screwed up in concentration, and Maura chances reaching out and pushing the little girl's hair behind her ear. "But honey, your mommy is going to be proud of you no matter what you do. If you grow up to be a photographer or a lawyer or a…teacher. She's going to be so, so proud of you because you're hers. And she loves you." Maya's eyes get wet instantly, and Maura catches a tear with the pad of her thumb, her fear giving way to something else. Something warm and full in her chest. "She loves you so much, no matter what you decide to become…No matter what you are for Halloween."

Maya leans into her hand, sniffing once, and Maura doesn't speak again, she doesn't think she could even if she knew what more she could say.

"Maura?" Maya's voice is shaking.

"Yes, darling." So is Maura's

"Can I go outside and swing on the swings?"

Maura smiles at the abrupt change of subject. It is so Jane. "Yes," she says, "wear your coat." And Maya slips down of the stool, heading towards the back door. But before she pulls it open, she turns and looks back, her face irresolute.

"What is it, darling?" Maura asks gently.

Maya takes a deep breath. "Your daddy is proud too," she says quickly, "and can you tell mama I want to be a princess?"

…

…

Angela Rizzol shows up at dusk three days later, Halloween. Maura opens the door for her and beckons her in, smiling at the pointed witch's hat that is perched on her head. They round the corner into the living room where Jane is trying to get both girls to hold still and look at the camera.

"Gramma!" both girls wiggle of the couch where Jane has positioned them, and the brunette lets out a frustrated sigh as the girls run towards her mother.

"Well, that's a Kodak moment ruined," she says smiling as Maya practically jumps into Angela's arms. "Hey, Ma."

"Hi Janie," Angela says, hugging Maya tightly. Zoe waddles towards her grandmother as fast as she can, but her bear suit makes in hard for her to go as fast as she would like. Maura feels full herself get teary just looking at the toddler. Zoe is wearing a bear suit, fuzzy and brown, a little too big for her, and only her face is peeking out from the top, a little hood coming up to cover her head with fuzzy bear ears.

"Gam!" she says. "Look! Rawr!" She holds up her hands, incased in fuzzy bear paws.

Maura lets out a noise that is somewhere between a cry and a laugh. The preparation for the night has been both exciting and terrifying. Maya has been wearing her princess costume all day, and after dinner she is finally allowed to put the sparkly pointed hat on, and is given the plastic scepter that came with the dress.

She'd skipped around the house, pretending that everything, from the sofa to the ornamental vase in the hallway was her courtier.

Maura watched her, smiling as she'd deemed the couch "a worthy knight."

"She's not lacking for imagination, at least." Jane had come up behind her, making her jump. "God I used to love Halloween when I was a kid," she'd smiled at Maura. "Didn't you?"

Maura felt like something cold had slipped into her stomach. "Oh..no…I didn't care for it."

And the brunette had looked incredulous. "You what? How is that possible."

Maura had shaken her head, trying to sound disinterested. "We traveled a lot…It wasn't always popular where I was…I never got into the habit…"

And Jane, mercifully, had let the matter rest.

Now, Angela puts her hand over her heart, but she doesn't as scared as she does overwhelmed. "You both look so…adorable," she says to the girls. "I…" she looks at Jane, tears in her eyes. "I'm so glad I get to go trick or treating with you."

It's a thank you, Maura hears it, and Jane hears it too. She smiles grabbing two pillow cases off the couch. "Okay, okay," she says "What are we just standing around here for!"

The girls give excited shrieks, and charge towards the door. Angela smiles at Maura and then at Jane before turning to follow them. "You wearing a coat Jane?" she calls over her shoulder.

"I'll be alright, Ma," Jane says rolling her eyes at Maura.

"It's supposed to be chilly tonight. Can Maya just be out in that thin little dress?"

"It's got fleece inside it, Ma," Jane says, and she holds the door open for Maura, her hand brushing the small of the doctor's back as she crosses the threshold.

Maura feels her stomach flip over with nerves. She has not been out on Halloween for almost twenty years. But Jane flashes a grin at her as they start down the walk.

And Maura recommits herself to the evening.

.

It happens when Maya runs off.

There is a sign for a haunted house three blocks over, and Maya sounds the words out without any help from a grown up, and takes off while Angela and Jane are bickering over letting Zoe eat taffy.

Jane and Maura turn around to see the flicker of her princess dress as she rounds a corner.

"Son of a-" Jane says, starting after her, but at that moment, Zoe lets out a wail as Angela pulls the taffy out of her hands.

"_Ma!" _Jane says, frustrated, and Maura puts her hand out.

"It's alright, Jane," she says quickly, already heading after the runaway princess. "I'll catch up to her."

And Jane gives her a grateful look, before turning back to her mother.

"Ma," she hears Jane say, "It's Halloween. If the kid wants taffy. Give her the taffy."

She hurries after Maya around the corner, looking this way and that among the groups of kids roaming the streets, searching for a glimmer of pink or purple among the groups.

And then she sees her, up ahead about 100 feet, and her heart stands still, though she can feel herself starting to run.

Maya stands, her little face scrunched up and wet with tears, surrounded by a pack of older kids, and one of them is holding her pillowcase full of candy.

.

"Give it back," She is aware that she is yelling, aware that she has snatched the bag back without giving the boy time to obey. He is tall, as tall as her, and his face is painted as though he's trying to camouflage himself.

"Hey, lady," he says, and his breath smells like smoke. "There's a toll for the haunted house."

And she steps right up to him, without realizing she is doing so. "She's eleven!" she says, and something in the back of her mind pokes at her…correcting her. "Six," she says again…for the first time? "She six. Get the hell away."

And the boy looks unnerved as he steps away, beckoning to his crew. He tosses an expletive over his shoulder as they head off. Maura doesn't hear it.

She bends down handing the sack of candy back to Maya, and she focuses all her attention on inspecting the child in front of her for injury. Her hands? Her dress? Were those places on the fabric always red like that? Is she bleeding? Maura tries to find rational thought. It does not come.

She is eleven again.

"Maya," she says urgently, trying to keep her own panic at bay. The little girl hiccups, trying to stop crying. "Maya, are you okay?"

"Those big boys took my candy," she says tearfully. "I wann'ed to go to the-the-the hauntedhousssse." This last word comes out like a howl.

Maura wants to cry out too. The adrenaline from stepping into the middle of the altercation is wearing off, and now she just feels weak and shaky.

"No, honey," she says, "Look, I got your candy back, alright? Are you okay? Did they hurt you?"

Rip your dress, push you down, call you names, steal your things? Maura wants to ask all of this, but somewhere in the back of her mind she is aware that these are not relevant to the situation at hand. They are an echo from a long, long time ago.

"I…want. I want. I want Mommy," Maya cries, and she throws herself into Maura's arms.

Jane.  
Where is Jane.  
Maura nods, trying to balance herself enough to stand up and take Maya's hand. "okay," she says quickly. "Okay…let's find Mama."

And she grips Maya's hand very tightly, because if she lets it go, they will come and grab her. They will rip her candy from her again, and this time they will not stop at that. They will push her down. They will rip her clothes. Their hard souled shoes will crush her fingers and they will kick dirt in her face.

"It's okay," she says, though she can't be sure that she's speaking to Maya or to herself. She is trying to regulate her breathing, trying to walk slowly enough for the little girl to keep up with her, but when she blinks she can see those boys, and the way they'd surrounded Maya, their leering painted faces mean and right up close to hers.

Fury keeps her steady as she rounds the corner and looks around for a sign of Jane or Angela. But fury and terror and panic are also blurring the night with tears, and everything looks shadowy and sinister in the light from the streetlamps.

"Mama!" Maya calls tearfully, and Maura can only hope that the cry means she's seen Jane. The doctor's breathing is too loud in her ears, and the earth has started to move.

Maya looks up at her, says her name, and the little voice reverberates in her ears like they are stuck in a wind tunnel.

"Are you alright?" She asks the child. "Did they hurt you?"

They had hurt her.  
Jane would never forgive her.

They had hurt her.

Her mother would never forgive her.

"Maya!" Someone is calling the little girl's name. Maura looks around, towards the voice, and maybe she sees Angela, her face alive with happiness, beckoning them over. Maybe that is Jane, moving towards them, looking angry and then looking concerned.

Maybe that is Jane, saying her name.

But then everything is black. And she cannot be sure.

…

…

"Breathe."

Jane's voice is calm and steady in her ear. Her arms are wrapped firmly around Maura's waist and her lips are close enough that they skim the spot below Maura's ear when she speaks.

"Breath, Maura. You're alright."

"I…" Maura tries to take a breath in, but her chest feels tight and painful. She opens her eyes and the light from her kitchen is too bright. She shies away from it and Jane's arms tighten around her again, pulling the doctor close to her shoulder. Maura tries to replay the previous hour in her mind, to slow it down and make sense of her. But her brain seems intent on focusing on just one thing.

Jane is holding her. Protecting her. Speaking to her with a voice that would force her to sit if she wasn't doing so already.

But then she pulls away, the thought of Jane protecting her triggering a memory from the night that makes her go cold with fear.

"Maya!" she chokes, staggering off her stool. "I was…I had to."

Jane follows her, hands out, and Maura feels the long fingered hand wrap firmly around her upper arm.

"Hey," she says quickly, holding the doctor back. "Hey…she's fine. You saved her candy, and her costume…You pointed her back to my Ma just before you passed out…do you remember?" Jane's dark eyes scan her face, worried, waiting. "Do you remember, Maura?"

The hazy image of Angela Rizzoli, smiling and waving, fuzzy little bear-Paige in her arms, and Maya letting go of her hand, running towards her grandmother…excited.

"Oh," she says quietly. "Oh…so she's alright." She closes her eyes as Jane puts her hands on Maura's shoulders.

"Yes. She's okay…Are you?"

Maura's breathing is coming easier now, and she takes a couple of deep breaths to make herself feel better.

"Yes…yes." She looks up at Jane, whose eyebrows are creased with worry. Without thinking, Maura reaches up and pushes her first two fingers against the brunettes forehead. "Yes," she says again, and she sounds much more convincing. "Did you…" something occurs from her, "Did you carry me here?"

Jane grins, and her eyes drop down to Maura's body for half a second before she looks back up.  
"You're heavier than you look, Dr. Isles," she says quietly. Maura laughs, and her fingers tap against Jane's forehead once, twice, three times, before pulling away.

"Where are the girls?" she asks, turning towards the fridge, thinking about grabbing a bottle of water.

"They're finishing up the neighborhood with my Ma," Jane replies, "I told them I'd come back if you were okay…oh!" Jane chuckles, pulling a mini butterfinger candy bar out of her pocket. "Maya said to give you this to feel better."

Maura smiles, accepting the candy, taking a swig of her water. "sweet heart," she says, more to herself than to Jane, and then a little louder, "you should go back out, Jane. I'm fine. Honestly."

She heads towards the stairs, thinking about lying down. Jane doesn't move.

"Do you want to…talk about what happened?"

Maura freezes, but doesn't turn around. "It was just a panic attack, Jane." She says quietly. "There's nothing to talk about."

She can almost picture the impatient gesture that Jane makes. "I know from panic attacks, Maur. I meant…do you want to talk about what brought it on?"

Maura shakes her head without thinking about it. "No." she says. "I don't."

A pause, and she feels Jane shift behind her. "Okay," the brunette says quietly, and Maura turns to face her, surprised. She'd expected a fight.

Jane smiles faintly, and takes a step towards her. "I'm not gonna force you," she says, and the smile slips from her lips, making her look like Maya. "Hey…look, Maura," Jane knots her hands. "Look, I heard what you said to Maya, the other day…about Kate…and your father."

Maura has to remind herself to breathe. "Oh…" she shakes her head, "I'm so sorry…Jane. I should have come and gotten-"

But Jane is shaking her head. "No…It was beautiful," Jane says quickly. "It was great, Maura, and…I should have thanked you right away."

Maura just stares at her, trying to comprehend what is happening, and Jane rushes on, like she's trying to get the words out before she loses her nerves. "And I get it…if you don't want to talk about what happened tonight…or ever…but you know, if it has to do with what you told Maya…or anything really…I'm here for you…" she looks up into the doctor's eyes. "Okay?"

Maura can only nod.  
Jane takes a step closer, and then another, and Maura can't move. She couldn't move if she wanted to. And Jane is close enough that there are inches between them.

"I have to go back out," she says quietly.

Maura nods.

"Are you going to be okay?"

Another nod. She's lost the ability to command her voice. Her hands are shaking.

"Can I ask you something, Maura?"

"Yes," just a whisper. Maura wants to scream. She wants to throw her arms around this woman. She does not.

"I'm going away…for the day…November Ninth," Jane pauses, and for a moment she looks like she's going to reconsider. Then she looks back up, into Maura's eyes, and her confidence returns. "Will you come with me? For the day?"

Maura opens her mouth, but no words come out.

Jane falters a bit. She swallows. "Please?"

She hasn't said where. She hasn't said what time she's leaving or when she'll get back, or what Maura will need to pack, and in any other situation, the doctor would need to know all of that before agreeing. Now she does not even consider it.

"Yes," she says quickly. "Yes, of course."

Jane smiles, and leans in. She presses her lips to the side of Maura's mouth. It's the first time since she's kissed her since the night they spent together almost three weeks ago. The contact makes her lightheaded, and it's not just because it's_Jane._

Maura opens her eyes as the brunette pulls away. "You kept your promise," she says quietly.

Jane smiles, and leans in, kissing the base of Maura's ear. "I keep my promises," she whispers.

And then she's released her, is striding to the front door, is gone, without a backwards glance.  
And Maura is left in the hall, looking after her, a little dizzy, though it has nothing to do with the fainting spell.


	13. Chapter 13

It is a little before five in the morning when Angela arrives at the house, day bag in hand, along with several brightly wrapped packages.  
"What?" she says, as Jane rolls her eyes at the presents. "I've missed ten birthdays between them. You can't blame me for wanting to spoil them a little."  
Jane looks like she does indeed want to blame her mother, but she holds her tongue and helps Maura into her coat. The doctor can tell by the slant of her shoulders that she is tense, but her face remains impassive.

"I'll have my cell phone on all the time, Ma, okay?" She says pulling her own winter coat out of the hall closet. "But if we're in the subway or down near Flatbush, the service might crap out, so if there's an emergency…text me and I'll call as soon as I get it," she pauses to make sure her mother is following her. "Ma?"  
Angela has been watching Jane's movements, a little frown on her face. "Yes," she says distractedly, and her eyes snap up to meet Maura's, and then she looks her daughter in the face, blushing a little. "Yes, yes, okay. I raised three children, I think I can take care of my granddaughters for a day."  
"You left me outside the Y in Roxbury Crossing for three hours after dark," Jane says, and her tone is slightly more agitated.  
Angela rolls her eyes, "are you ever going to let that go? Look at you! You're perfectly fine now…a little butch, maybe but…"  
"Oh, My God, why do I even," Jane turns heading towards the door. "We're leaving now, Ma," she says curtly, gesturing that Maura should follow. "We'll be home after the girls are asleep."  
Again, Angela's eyes land on Maura before returning to Jane.  
"Alright," she says, leaning on the door as the two of them head down the walk. "Be safe," she calls after them. Jane lifts her hand without looking back, a signal that she has heard.  
Jane holds the car door open for Maura before going around and getting in to the driver seat, and as they drive away, Maura can see Angela in the side view mirror, still watching the car.  
"Why are we going to New York?" Maura asks, more to make conversation than anything. She'd only just found out the night before that that was their destination.  
Jane glances at her, and then away. She bites her lip for a moment before saying.  
"There are some people I want you to meet."  
Maura feels her stomach tighten a little with nerves. "People?"  
Jane nods, and her fingers tighten on the steering wheel. "don't be nervous," she says nervously, and Maura would laugh at the irony…if she didn't feel like throwing up.  
Jane flashes her a grin that vanishes almost as quickly as it came.  
"No backing out," she says.  
Maura squares her shoulders, never one to pass up a challenge.  
"I would never." she says firmly.  
Jane looks at her for a long moment before turning her attention back to the road, face unreadable.

Maura recognizes the brownstone from one of the pictures in Jane's bedroom, and as the brunette climbs the steps, Maura can distinctly hear Maya saying, in her head, "that's where Mommy and Mama lived. Before they had me."

She frowns, but follows as Jane reaches out and rings the doorbell.  
There is a flurry of barking from deep within the house, as well as some unintelligible shouts of excitement, and then one bright blue eye, and the edge of a freckly nose appears in the window by the side of the door.  
Jane wiggles her fingers at the face, and they eye lights up. "Auntie Jane!" the voice squeals. "Mommy! Detective Jane is back!"  
The door is thrown open on a large hall, where three children stand, all of them positively writing with pleasure. Behind them, peeking around corners or out from behind sofa's Maura can see more children. The house is full of them.  
She frowns…this was not what she was expected.  
"What did you bring us?" asks a chubby little boy with wide eyes and a spattering of freckles across his nose.  
Jane, who has scooped up the nearest boy, a toddler who can't be much older than Zoe, laughs. "I brought you my beautiul self…isn't that enough?"  
"We missed you Auntie Jay," says a tall dark boy on their left. "Where you been?"  
"Boston," says a voice and Maura looks up to see a woman hurrying forward, her face alive with happiness.  
Jane puts the little boy she's holding down and steps forward to embrace her.  
"Nat!" Jane says into the woman's shoulder. But the other woman pushes her away, her face serious.  
"Lena," she says. and then when Jane nods, she smiles, looking at Maura.  
"Hello, honey," she says and she steps forward to hug Maura too.  
She smells like herbal tea and lemon and her hug is warm and intimate. Like they've been doing it for years. Maura finds herself smiling.  
"Come in," she says, reaching to pat the head of the tallest boy of the group, who has come into the hall.  
"Nikos," Jane says and the taller boy grins. "God, you've gotten huge."  
"Hey Aunt Jane. Did you bring the girls?"  
"Not this time," Jane calls as she follows the woman down the hall. "next time." She gestures that Maura should follow them, and with a curious backward glance at the children, she hurries after Jane's narrow frame.  
The house is cluttered and lived in, the furniture old and patched and fraying around the edges. Everywhere Maura looks she sees an animal or a child, and by the time the woman called Lena has led them into the kitchen, she has given up trying to keep count.

"I thought you would never come back, Jane Rizzoli," she says and her voice is deep and warm like melted chocolate. "What is in Boston that is so fascinating you had to stay away for months?"

Jane grins, sliding into a seat at the kitchen table, and gesturing that Maura should do the same. The doctor sits down, folding her hands in her lap, realizing, as she crosses her legs that there is a little girl under the dining room table, hugging a kitten. She is small and dark, with jet black hair that falls around her face in some of the most perfect ringlets that Maura has ever seen.

The little girl looks at her with wide curious eyes.

"Hello," Maura says quietly.

The child clutches her kitten, but says nothing.

Maura feels a hand on her shoulder, and straightens up to see both Jane and Lena looking at her. She feels herself going a little red.

"I'm sorry?"

Lena smiles, but directs her question at Jane. "You brought me someone new, Jane? without calling?"

Jane smiles, shaking her head. "C'mon Lena, you know I wouldn't…This is Dr. Maura Isles. She's-"

But the woman's face splits into a huge grin and she comes around the kitchen counter to sit in one of the dining room chairs. "This is the famous Dr. Isles? The star of all your recent emails?"

Jane turns a little red, glowering across the table at her friend.

Maura can't help the chuckle that escapes her lips. She looks at Jane, hoping her voice displays the delight she feels at this discovery. "You've written about me?"

Lena crows, causing the little girl and the cat to scamper out from under the table and vanish around a corner, "has she written about you?!" Lena cries, "does she ever write about anything el-"

But Jane cuts her off, clearly wishing to change the subject, "How is she, Nat? Any change?" Maura frowns at the name Jane has used. She can see no way to get to "nat" from the name "Lena," but she makes no comment.

Lena's face sobers immediately. "No," she says quietly. "No change."

Jane's face hardens ever so slightly. "I'm going to see her," she says standing, and Maura starts to get up too, but Jane shakes her head. "No, Maura, can you wait here?" She looks a little apologetic, "I don't think that…new people…" she looks at Lena, who reaches out and puts her hand over Maura's. Her skin is warm and smooth, like a stone that's been sitting out in the sun. "You go, Jane, we'll be fine here." She squeezes Maura's hand, "you two are going to see-"

"Yes," Jane says turning away. "After this."

And Lena nods, watching Jane around the corner. For a moment, no one speaks. Maura listens to the sounds of animals and children running and calling out to each other in the deeper parts of the house. She marvels at how quiet and serene everything seems for being so full of children.

She looks around at Lena, who is looking back at her, smiling faintly.

"She's an enigma, that detective," the woman says giving her hand a pat, and standing up. She moves back to the kitchen. "One moment you think that she's the incredible hulk, that nothing can bring her down…the next moment you've never seen anyone so tender in your life. You drink tea, Dr. Isles, correct?"

"Ah…Maura," Maura says, "call me Maura of course, and, yes. Thank you." The windowsill across from Maura is crammed with pictures, most of them of children, their bright faces smiling out from the frames. But there is one that catches her eye, and when Lena turns away to the stove, Maura stands up and moves towards it to get a better look.  
The picture is of Katherine, Jane and Lena. Katherine has her arm around Lena's shoulders, and Jane stands beside the two of them, more like their bodyguard then their friend.

"So you and Katherine worked together?" Maura picks up the photo to inspect it more clearly. This would explain why the woman was now living in Katherine's old house. It would explain why the boy at the window had called Jane "auntie."  
"We what?" Lena sounds alarmed, "No…of course not…" Maura turns to see the other woman looking at her hard, a deep frown creasing the skin between her eyebrows.

"Wait one moment," she says slowly. "Jane didn't tell you who I am? Who we are?"

Maura shakes her head, "She just asked me to come along today…she didn't really go into detail," Maura trails off, opting not to share that she would follow Jane anywhere, no matter the circumstances.

Lena looks scandalized. "Oh, Lord," Lena raises her eyes to the heavens sitting down heavily at the table.

"This is house," she says finally, "Is in Katherine's name. She and Jane lived here for a couple years before their children were born."

Maura nods. Yes, that much, she knows. Lena studies Maura carefully before continuing. "I'm not from New York, Dr. Isles…I'm from Chicago."

She leans a little closer, lowering her voice, "My real name is Natasha Lane?"

That name…it makes the doctor's heart speed up, although she can't put her finger on exactly why. She's read it somewhere. Somewhere in connection to Jane…

Lena – Natasha –sighs. "I'm one of the women Jane rescued from Charles Hoyt."

Maura feels like the floor has dropped out from underneath her. "Oh…" is all she can think to say. "Oh…I…"  
But Lena stands suddenly, heading towards the Hallway where Jane has disappeared. "Come with me," she says and Maura follows her without stopping to consider. She follows Lena down a narrow hallway, deeper into the brownstone, until they come to a door that is cracked open.  
Lena puts her finger to her lips, waiting for Maura to nod understanding before she pushes the door open the rest of the way.  
The room is furnished sparsely, with a chest of drawers, a bed a chair and a bedside table.  
Jane is sitting chair next to the bed, and her hands are outstretched towards the pillows. It takes Maura a moment to realize that Jane is holding someone's hand, and that she is speaking. The doctor leans forward a little more to hear what is being said.  
"Your boys look great Meg," Jane is saying softly. "Niko is so tall. He's going to be a line backer I can tell. And Caleb with those freckles," As she talks she leans closer, clearly hoping for some kind of response, and although Maura can't see the face of the woman in the bed, she can tell from the way Jane's face falls momentarily, that no response has come. "Okay. Well. I just wanted to tell you I was here. Lena says you're still hanging in there. Keep hanging in there, alright?" Jane pauses, but there is still no response. Lena pulls away from the door and gestures that Maura should follow her back into the kitchen.  
As they round the corner and Maura heads back to the dining room table, Lena sighs. "That was-"  
"Megan McKinnon," Maura fills in, now that the pieces are falling into place, the names come back to her easily.  
Lena nods. "When it was clear that Hoyt was still at large, still out there, Jane and Kate moved the Meg, Serena and I out of the city. Neither of us had a lot of money…All of us had children," she swallows, "were newly widowed…"  
And Maura can see the ending to this story without being told. Can see the detective and her partner insisting that the women take their house in New York.  
"Serena committed suicide when she heard about Katherine," Lena says quietly. "Albert, the boy you met on your way in…he's hers." She picks the whistling kettle up off the stove. "Maraiah…with the kitten? and Benji, the toddler that's always at Albert's hip? Those are my babies, and Nikos and Caleb are Meg's." She smiles at the astonished look on Maura's face.  
"I don't know what any of us would have done if Jane and Kate hadn't offered us refuge…and a new start. We get along now…as best we can."  
Maura gapes at her smile, at the way she pours them both tea without the slightest shake in her hand.  
"That woman…" Maura says, already hating herself for the clinical analysis that she is powerless to stop. "She's clearly in a very extreme dissociative state. Her lack of response, espcially to stimuli that should motivate her in some way…it's extremely worrying."  
Maura clamps her mouth shut, embarrassed, but Lena laughs, coming to set her tea down in front of her. "Jane said that when you're nervous, you get all official," she says, still chuckling. "Yes…Meg has had it rough. But a month ago, she had a feeding tube, and now she eats on her own. Two months ago, she panicked anytime anyone came in the room." Lena smiles, "Baby steps, Dr. Isles."  
Maura is having trouble wrapping her head around it all. "So you take care of all these children? And Ms. McKinnon? Alone?"  
Lena nods, looking around at the kitchen like she's never seen it before. "I'm not alone," she says after a moment. "With all the ghosts the four of us have between us…I am never alone."  
Maura feels her eyes filling up with tears, but Lena pats her hand, her face gentle. "We would be lost without Detective Rizzoli," she says quietly. "Scattered across a city that didn't want us…dead to Charles Hoyt…our children in other people's houses." She sighs. "We would be lost without her….and I hear, well, I read….that she would be lost without you."  
This last sentence and turn in the conversation make Maura look up at Lena with wide eyes.  
Lena nods. "It's no small thing, she brought you along with her today," she says quietly and she lifts her tea to her mouth, eyes never leaving the doctor. "I assume she'll tell you why…in time."  
Maura opens her mouth to ask what that means, but Lena shakes her head, gesturing that Maura should drink too.  
She does, and the liquid is not one that she's ever tasted before. It is hot and rich and full of life, like the house.  
When they leave, all the children come to hug Jane and say good-bye. They present her with drawings for Maya and Zoe, and beg her to come back soon.  
As the they head down the sidewalk and back to the subway, Maura sees Jane glance sidelong at her, her face drawn with nerves.  
"What did you think of Lena?" Jane asks, though the doctor is sure that this is not the question she wants to ask.  
Maura smiles, taking the chance of linking her arm through Janes. The brunette stiffens and then relaxes, a smile plays at her lips.  
"I think that you are amazing, Jane Rizzoli," she says quietly.  
Jane manages to hide her delight behind a scoff.

But Jane becomes nervous again over lunch. They eat in a little corner diner, close to the Q train that Jane says will take them to Brooklyn, though she won't say why.  
Maura watches her lift her burger, go to eat it, and then put it down again, looking pained. Maura puts her fork aside.  
"Jane," she says gently, and the dark eyes flicker up to meet her. "Why are we going to Brooklyn?"  
Jane blinks at her, clearly trying to decide what to say. She sighs. "I…I need to see Kate," she says finally.  
Maura waits, wondering if there's more. If there is an explanation that goes along with this declaration. If there is, it looks as though Jane is too nervous to get it out. She takes a bite of her burger and tries to swallow, but does not seem to be able to.  
Maura bites back the millions of questions circulating in her head. "Okay." she says quietly, and Jane looks at her, eyes wide in surprise.  
"okay?" she asks.  
Maura nods, reaching out to put her hand over Jane's on the table.  
"okay."

"Hey Kat," Jane's voice is low enough that Maura can barely hear her.  
They arrived in Flatbush, stepping off the train onto a street that Maura thought looked both dismal and dangerous in the pale light of the fall sun.  
"Alright?" Jane had asked, putting her hand in the small of Maura's back. "It's this way." She'd turned them left, and Maura had wondered if she was wrong. If perhaps they weren't going to a graveyard, but to one of Kate's favorite spots. Flatbush appeared to be nothing but squat unattractive buildings and miles and miles of concrete. There wasn't even a park or even really a tree, in sight.  
And then, Just when Maura had convinced herself that they weren't going to see Kate's burial sight…there it was, appearing out of nowhere, like an oasis in a desert. The biggest graveyard Maura had seen in a long time, the grass still green and full, and the trees burning orange in the fading sun.  
"Oh," Maura hadn't been able to stifle her gasp of surprise, and out of the corner of her eye, she'd seen Jane smile.  
"Yeah," she'd whispered. "That's why I chose it."  
Now, Jane kneels before Katherine's headstone, head bowed, and Maura stands back aways, unsure what her role is. Wondering if she should have come at all. The day seems to be revelation after revelation, and although she thought she'd understood Jane's motives behind inviting her at the time, now she is not entirely sure. Of anything.  
She is about to back up, give Jane some more privacy, when the woman speaks again. Her voice a little stronger.  
"I went and saw the girls, Katie…they're going okay. Meg's off the feeding tube." She pauses, and her hands come up quickly, gesturing at nothing. "You should see how big Nikos is…Although…maybe you already can see."  
Jane pauses, and Maura feels something hard in her throat.  
"The girls are," Jane falters, swallowing. "Our girls…" but it seems she cannot get the sentence out, and Maura steps forward without considering the repercussions, kneeling down next to the brunette and putting a hand on the back of her neck.  
"The girls are doing great," she says gently, speaking directly to the headstone as Jane has been doing. She feels the other woman look around at her, but she doesn't look back. She doesn't believe in ghosts, or spirits…but for Jane, She focuses on the words on the headstone, and keeps talking.  
"Maya is doing wonderfully in school. She brought home a wonderful progress report last week. All her teachers say she's creative and talented, like you."  
Jane sucks in a breath, but neither interrupts, nor adds anything. "And Zoe is loving preschool. She's making lots of friends, and she's learning so much, Katherine. I swear she comes home with a new concept each day." Out of the corner of her eye, Maura sees Jane almost smile. She rubs the back of Jane's neck gently. "Yesterday, she told her uncle that 'everybody is a human bean. No matter what.' She's going to be brilliant and caring and compassionate…like your wife."  
Jane opens her mouth, and Maura falls silent, immediately giving Jane room to speak.

"And I'm gonna go back, Katie," she says quietly, and she sound both guilty and defiant. "I…I have to." She takes a deep shuddering breath, and reaches out to run her fingers over her wife's first name. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, beautiful," she says quietly. "I'm gonna save everyone else that I can…For you. Alright?"  
Jane falls silent like she's waiting for an answer, and for a moment the two of them just kneel there, together.  
Then Jane stands, wiping at her eyes quickly, and she turns and strides away, without looking back.  
Maura stands too, looking down at the headstone, understanding, at last, why they had to come here today, of all days. She looks for a moment longer, and then, on a whim, she unwraps her scarf from around her neck, kneeling back down and laying it beside the granite, pressing the ends of it into the earth to secure it.  
"Bundle up," Maura says quietly. "It's supposed to snow early this year." She puts her hand on the curve of the stone, where it is still warm from the sun.  
"Happy birthday, Katherine."

The train ride home is quiet and dark. Maura takes the window seat, feeling Jane slide in beside her.  
"Tired?" Jane's voice is close by her ear. Maura shivers.  
"Yes," she answers truthfully, "It was a long day."  
There is a pause, and she feels Jane rearrange herself in her seat. "Thank you," she breathes after a moment. "I know it wasn't fair to you… dragging you along and not telling you. Having you meet Lena and…not knowing what the hell was going on all day." Her voice catches, but she takes a breath and pushes on. "I didn't think I could go alone…and I needed to go. I know you don't believe in ghosts or spirits or anything like that…but I needed to tell Kate I was going back, and I," she falters, and Maura realizes that she is not breathing properly, that each inhale is ragged and shallow. "I needed her to meet you, Maura. And I know that sounds stupid and you're going to say-"  
But Maura turns her head, and presses her lips firmly against Jane's.  
For a split second, she thinks she's done the wrong thing. That this day, after this trip…  
But then Jane whimpers quietly against her lips, and her fingers come up to thread through her hair.  
"You," Maura says, when she finally needs to pull away. "You are the kindest, bravest, humblest woman I have ever met."  
Brown eyes widen in the shadows of the car, and Maura leans forward to kiss Jane again. When she pulls away, Jane's eyes stay closed.  
"Thank you," Maura says quietly. "Thank you for bringing me. For trusting me with this. For your confidence."  
She takes one of Jane's hands from her hair, pulling it to her heart. "I will keep it here," she says quietly, watching the other woman's eyes fill up with tears. "always." she whispers.  
"Maura," she says and the doctor leans their foreheads together, sighing, reveling in the feel of Jane's hand on the skin of her collarbone, in the way Jane's lips brush hers again, and then again, gentle. Jane leans back, pulling Maura away from the window, wrapping her arms around her tight, and she feels the narrow chest rise and fall slowly.  
She closes her eyes, not bothering to hide the smile that's creeping over her features. She feels fingers trace the shell of her ear, followed by lips.  
"Jane," she says, and maybe she says more, maybe the brunette returns the words breathing them softly into her neck.  
But she can't be sure. She falls asleep at that moment, and the hum of the train as it glides them back to Boston - back to their house - is the sweetest song she's ever heard.


	14. Chapter 14

Maura does not dare open her eyes. She barely dares to breathe. If she does either of those things, she might wake up from the dream she is having, and right now, it is one of the best ones she's ever had. Long fingers are sliding carefully through her hair, and the weight of another body pressing against her, hot, like hers. She sighs and leans back into the couch, Jane following, never losing skin to skin contact, and Maura feels Jane's knee come down firmly between her legs on the couch, not pressing against her, just giving the brunette leverage enough to push forward and kiss her.

"Jane,"she says, or maybe she just thinks it. Her brain is on overdrive, every single nerve ending tingling with life.

Jane had held her all the way to the car, her arm tight and protective around the doctor's waist, and during the drive home, Maura's hand had stayed tight around the back of Jane's neck.

Neither had spoken.

Now Jane's hands tighten on her hips and she gasps, her head coming forward to press against Jane's shoulder.

"Am I hurting you?" the words are whispered against her ear and she shivers.

"No," she says hoarsely, feeling Jane shift on the couch above her.

"Do you want me to-" she pulls away, and Maura finds herself tightening her grip around Jane's waist, drawing her close again, shaking her head.

"No," she says, "God, no. Don't stop."

And the lips are on hers again, trailing down her throat, and then back up, insistent and delicious and Maura does not have room for one rational thought, does not have the willpower or the desire to stop what is happening, but then…

"Stop," she says it gently, so quietly that it might be a whisper, and Jane doesn't immediately hear her. She takes her hands off Jane's hips to press lightly at her shoulders.

"Jane," she says, a little more firmly. "Stop."

The brunette tenses and is still, her chest rising and falling rapidly with her arousal.

"Did I…" dark eyes pull back to inspect the doctor's face.

Maura shakes her head quickly. "No," she says reaching to run her fingers through the curls around Jane's face. "No…I just think that maybe we should…"

What? What is it she wants to say? Wait? Wait for what? Maura shakes her head again. "Today was a very emotional day," she says finally. "I don't want to…When we decide that what we want…that where we're going…" The combination of Jane's stare and the blood still pumping through her body are making it hard to speak.

Jane stays silent, her expression hovering between confusion and panic. Maura reaches out and takes Jane's hands, bringing each one up to her lips in turn. Jane watches her, still silent.

"Today was Katherine's day," she says finally, hoping that she can convey what she means with the way she squeezes Jane's fingers. "Today was Katherine's day and I am honored that you would share it with me…" She pauses trying to find the correct words. She wants Jane to know that this is not a rejection, just a redirection. "I am not…going."

She means to say more, but the sentence ends there, and when she finally dares to look up into Jane's face, the admiration and respect she sees there nearly take her breath away.

Jane leans forward again, but the kiss she places on Maura's lips this time is chaste.

"Thank you," she says quietly, and she pulls her hands out of Maura's and stands up with a deep steadying breath. She looks down at Maura, still on the couch, hair and blouse completely disheveled, lipstick smudged, and she starts to laugh, deep and rumbling.

Maura thinks her laugh is more arousing than any of the sounds she'd just been making. "What's so funny?" She asks, pushing herself off the couch.

"Nothing," Jane says, and she pulls Maura into a hug, tight and warm and lovely. "I…was just thinking you look like Maya, when I take something away that she wants, but she knows better than to argue."

Maura pushes her head against Jane's shoulder, trying to stave off tears. "I do want you," she says quietly, feeling Jane's shoulder blades tense under her fingers. "I want every single thing about you," she continues. "Your body, your memories, your girls…" She pulls back so she can look into Jane's face, her dark eyes are watery. Maura reaches out to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. "I want it all."

Jane pulls Maura too her again, bending so she can speak the words against Maura's ear, like she's pressing them into the doctor's hands.  
"It's yours."

…

The days slip by without incident. Towards the end of November, the wind picks up and the temperature drops for good, wrapping winter around Boston like an ice pack. Maura get's used to tiny discarded jackets in her font hall and miniature mittens that lose themselves everywhere from in between the couch cushions to behind the orange juice in the refrigerator. The visit to the city seems to refocus Jane and give her a new sense of purpose. She redoubles her efforts at training, and sees her therapist once a week instead of twice a month. The doctor does not hear her prowling the halls late at night nearly as often as before.

For the first time since she came to Boston, it seems that Jane is no longer standing still, and Maura is not alone in her observation, Frost and Korsak notice the difference too; Barry bursts into her morgue on a Tuesday, his face alive with excitement.

"She did it!" he crows, and Maura nearly throws the Petri dish she's holding into the air.

"Barold," she scolds, and he looks a little sheepish.

"Sorry, Doc, but…She did it!" It seems he cannot contain his joy.  
Maura sets her intruments down, lifting her protective goggles, "Who did what, Detective," she asks reasonably.  
Frost looks at her incredulously. "Jane! She passed her hand to hand today, annnd McDonald gave her the all clear last week! She's back! She's going to be a detective again!"  
Maura feels a rush of wild excitement followed by the plummeting sensation of dread. Jane, a detective again, back in the field she loves, seeing Maura every single day….  
Jane, a detective again, back in the direct line of danger, leaving Maura everyday to put herself in peril.  
"That is…wonderful!" she manages and Frost looks at her carefully. For a moment she thinks he's understood the reason for her hesitation, but then he says, quietly.

"I should apologize to you, Dr. Isles."

She is surprised at how soft his voice is. "Why, Barry? You've done nothing wrong. If it was for frightening me when you came in…I didn't lose any data, so…no harm-"

"No," he cuts in, looking a little amused. "No, I mean… I should apologize to you for what I said when Jane and the girls first came to stay with you." He pauses, and then rubs the back of his neck, "I was scared that Jane would react badly to getting close to anyone…"

"Oh," Maura says, understanding at once. "No…Detective Frost. There's no need-"

"There is a need," the young man steps forward, and his eyes look a little fierce "You've been so good for her…you're a huge part of the reason she's getting her shield back and I…"

But Maura closes the distance to put her hand on his shoulder. "You were looking out for your friend," she says calmly. "That's how I see it, because that's how it was."  
And Frost smiles at her, grateful. "Thank you, Doc."  
She squeezes his shoulder before turning back to her table. "Anytime, Detective."

So when Jane bursts through her office door almost two hours later, Maura does not jump, though she has the foresight to look curious when Jane asks her to guess what happened.  
"Tell me," she says, grinning as Jane hops on the spot. "Your body language is telling me it's something positive."  
"I got cleared to go back to work," Jane says in a rush, her eyes never leaving Maura's face. "I'm going to be a detective again…I…I did it."  
Maura stands, clasping her hands together, "Oh, Jane!" She says happily, and this time, with Jane grinning at her, she feels mostly excitement, though the dread is still there. Jane quirks an eyebrow. "Yeah?" she says.  
"Yes," Maura says "That is a wonderful surprised.

Jane narrows her eyes. She walks right up to the desk and leans over it, bringing her face within a foot of Maura's and for a moment, the doctor thinks she is about to be kissed.  
But then Jane pulls back looking scandalized. "That rat!" she cries, making Maura jump. "He already told you!"

It takes Maura's mind a second to catch up, but when she does, she laughs, "Detective Frost was simply excited that-"

"Ooh, just wait," Jane says, though she gives in and laughs along. "He is going to get the nastiest wet willy that ever existed.  
Maura sits back down at her desk, "Well…I'm not sure what that is, but it certainly sounds unpleasant."  
Jane turns and heads to one of the chairs in the middle of the doctor's office and flops down in it. Then she turns a newly exasperated face to look at the blonde.  
"Maura," she says huffily, "The seats in your office are about as comfortable as the tables in the morgue."

Maura narrows her eyes, but chooses to ignore the jab.  
"Is this you getting back at me for already knowing about your recertification? That chair happens to be one of a kind!"  
"Thank God for that!" Jane says, standing up and giving the chair a look of deep disdain. "Anyway," she returns her focus to Maura, "I had something else I wanted to ask you…something that not even Detective Squeal can ruin."  
Maura laughs, leaning back a little in her chair. "What is it, Jane?"  
The brunette rolls her shoulders, instantly nervous. "I was wondering…" she begins. "I'm sure you do…but…I just thought I'd ask."

"Then do so," Maura says and Jane shoots her a glare that quickly disappears begind nerves again.  
"Are you going to see your mother for Thanksgiving?" she asks, pushing the words out all in one breath. "Or are you throwing a party or…I mean…I know you probably are having some big thing, and if that's the case, the girls and I can totally clear out. But I was wondering what you were doing…for Thanksgiving," she adds at the end.  
Maura blinks at her, taken aback. This is not the question she was anticipating.  
"Oh," she says, "Goodness…no." she shakes her head, and Jane looks down at her, clearly expecting more. Maura swallows, "Uh, my mother and I…we rarely get together for things like…" she trails off, "And I haven't had a Thanksgiving party in…who knows how long…why do you ask?"  
Jane looks down at her shoes. "I thought…we could have one," she says quietly. "The four of us…If…I mean…it's not fancy or-" Jane moves to sit tentatively in the chair by Maura's desk.  
"And I've never made a turkey before," she continues, "I mean…Kate always used to handle the…" She clears her throat, "Anyway…I thought that if you didn't have anything important that you were doing…like…if you weren't hosting a fancy dinner or going out to Rome or wherever to visit your mother…we could…have a Thanksgiving." She looks up nervously into Maura's face to see the doctor beaming back at her. She smiles tentatively too.  
"So…I take it by your face that that's a yes?"  
"Of course," Maura says the words so quickly that she's sure it seems like she's afraid Jane will change her mind. And maybe she is. "Of course," she says again, a little more slowly this time. "That would be wonderful, Jane"  
"Okay then," Jane says standing up. "I'm gonna take the girls to the supermarket after school to pick the bird…if you want to come." She grins, "Maya always likes to name it and give it a backstory, so I hope you're not too queasy."  
Maura laughs, "You're forgetting what I do, detective," she says easily. "I think I will be alright."  
And Jane laughs too, though she shakes her head. "I'm not a detective. And we'll see how tough you are when Maya's describing how the turkey we're about to eat wanted to be a teacher and give back to society in a meaningful and lasting way."  
Maura smiles, "You most certainly are a detective. Your ceremony is two days from now, and everyone is coming. Your mother, your brothers, Frost and Korsak…"  
"You?" Jane cuts her off quietly, and Maura has to take a deep steadying breath before she can answer without a quaver in her voice.  
"I shall be in the front row, Jane…You don't even have to question."  
Jane smiles, and moves towards the door. "Hey, Maur?"  
"mmm?" she looks up to see the brunette in the doorway looking torn. "What is it?"  
But Jane shrugs and then shakes her head, shooting the doctor a grin before heading off. "Nothing," she says, waving, "See you at home."  
At home. The doctor feels chills.  
"Yes," she says, more to herself because Jane is already gone down the hall. "Yes, you will."  
…

The recertification ceremony is small and nice. Jane stands with three other officers in her uniform, her hair in a tight bun at the base of her neck.  
There are no speeches given or medals handed out, but when Jane is presented with her shield and her gun, the audience gives her a standing ovation.  
She accepts the praise the way Maura has come to expect her too. With a curt nod and a small wave. A clear wish that they would not acknowledge her this way.  
When it is over, Maura wends through the crowd, looking for Jane, and comes up on her just as she and the captain are finishing up a conversation. Maura watches as Cavenaugh gives Jane as close to a smile as is possible for him. "Welcome back, Rizzoli," he says, "Or I should say, welcome to the Boston P.D."  
Jane looks like she is going to burst with pride, and when Zoe comes running at her, having broken free from Angela's grasp, she not only lifts the little girl off her feet but tosses her into the air.  
"Come rats with stations!" Zoe cries as Jane nuzzles into the toddler's neck, causing her to giggle madly.  
"Come rats with stations, Mama!"  
Angela appears, holding Maya's hand, and the little girl huffs. "Zoeee," she says irritated, "It is, con grad u lations." She sounds the words out for the little girl, and Zoe giggles again, pushing against her mother's shoulder.  
"I don't know," Jane says, chuckling, "I sort of like, come rats with stations just as much. She reaches out to draw Maya to her hip in a one armed hug.  
"Congratulations Mommy," Maya says against Jane's waist.  
"Thanks, Smalls."  
"You looked so brave up there, Janie," Angela says, moving forward to hug her daughter. "You looked so…stoic."  
Jane grins, handing Zoe off to Maura so she can lift Maya onto her hip. "Gee, thanks Ma," Jane says, but her voice holds no edge. "That's exactly what I was going for."  
"We needa get together before you go back on rotation, Jay," Frankie says, "Frost and I make plans all the time and then nine times outta ten, he totally bails on me."  
"You sayin' dead bodies are more interesting than you?" Tommy asks with a smirk, and Frankie smacks him on the back of the head.  
"What about Thanksgiving?" the words leave Maura's mouth and at once, she regrets them, though she couldn't say why.  
All of the Rizzoli's turn to look at her. Jane's eyebrows are high with surprise.  
"Where," Frankie says, "at your place?"  
Maura nods, "Jane and I were going to do a Thanksgiving, but I can't think of a more appropriate time for a family get together," She says, and Angela's eyes shift to take her in.  
"Who's cooking?" Frankie asks.  
"Me!" Maya says happily.  
"And Zo!" Zoe calls from Maura's arms.  
Frankie nods. "Then I'm in…as long as it isn't your mother."  
"Great," Jane says, though her eyes stay nervous. "…Ma?"  
Angela tears her eyes away from Maura to look at her daughter. Her face softens a bit.  
"Of course, honey," she says. "I wouldn't miss it.

…

Thanksgiving arrives in a gust of frigid wind and freezing rain. Jane and Maya spend a hilarious morning stuffing the turkey, Jane concentrating deeply while Maya explained how Harold (that had been his name almost immediately) had loved to run in the field with his cousins and eat "turkey food" down by the pier.  
"I'm pretty sure turkey's don't hang out by the pier, My," Jane had said, making a face as she'd pulled out the bag of giblets from the inside of the bird. "Oh, my God, gross."  
"Ma, Harold was not any ordinary turkey," Maya had said seriously. "He was a real great guy."  
"Honey, we are going to eat him," Jane had said, although she'd thrown a wink at Maura. "As soon as I figure out which end is his butt, we are going to put him in the oven."  
"Yes," Maya had sighed heavily, as if carrying the burden of Harold's death on her conscious. "And he will be delicious."  
Zoe had grinned from her seat at the counter. "licious butt," she'd giggled. "Funny Maya."  
It was already the best Thanksgiving Maura had ever had.

But now, Zoe is asleep in her booster at the table and Maya is on her way as well, watching with sleep heavy eyes as Frankie and Jane begin to argue over a baseball statistic.  
The night is going just as well as the afternoon of Jane's ceremony, and Maura is just beginning to think that they will make it through the night without incident, when the talk turns to Jane's recertification.  
"I knew you'd get it," Frankie says admiringly. "You were the best rookie Boston ever saw."  
"You're not too shabby yourself, little brother," Jane says fondly. "I heard about that bust you had on the street last week."  
Frankie shrugs, though he looks pleased. "I'm a beat cop in Dorchester, not a Boston Homicide detective."  
But Jane leans across the table and snaps to make Frankie look up at her.  
"You're pretty fuckin' great," She says and then winces and glances at Maura, "Sorry, Maur."  
Maura waves her away as Angela lets out a huge sigh.  
"Ma?" Frankie adds as Tommy rolls his eyes. "You got something to add?"  
Angela looks a little grumpy.  
"I just…I don't see why you are doing this to yourself all over again," Angela says quietly, and Maura feels as though an ice cube has slipped down into her stomach, spreading out towards her ribs like a slow leak.

"Ma," Tommy says, rolling his eyes. "It's Thanksgiving, huh?"

"And your granddaughters are here," Frankie says pointedly.

Angela ignores them both, her eyes flicking from Jane, to Maura and then down to her plate. "I just don't understand it."

Maya leans forward excitedly. In her first grade class, the students are doing a unit about kindness and helpfulness and what it means to be a productive member of the classroom. "Grammie," Maya says happily, "I can help you understand it. Tell me what you don't understand and if we don't get it we can share my brain!"

It's a phrase that her first grade teacher uses to get them to help each other during lessons, and it makes both Maura and Jane smile.

"That's so kind of you, smalls," Jane says, gesturing to Maura that she should push the little girl's juice cup back from the edge of the table. "But I don't think Nona really-"

But Angela leans forward, nodding at the little girl."No, you're right, pumpkin," she says, "you can help me. What did it feel like to have two mommies.

"MA!" Tommy and Frankie sound outraged, and Jane stands up so fast that she almost turns over the table. Her face is pale and angrier than Maura had imagined possible.

"Outside," she says, and her voice is icy enough to make everyone around the table shiver.

Angela's eyes stay wide in a look of shock and innocence,"Janie, why are you-"

"Outside, Ma," Jane says again, and her jaw is clenched so hard that her lips barely move, and Angela knows not to argue with her.  
Both women get up from the table and head down the hall, and after listening to the door open and shut, Maura stands too, folding her napkin on the table.  
"Excuse me," she says. "I just…I have to…"  
She is not sure what makes her follow the women out of the room, except that she feels bound to Jane like an invisible rope is tugging at her ribs.  
She wants to protect her.

But when she gets into the front hall, she realizes that she cannot make herself simply barge out onto the front walk and intervene. So Maura lurks in the shadow of the hallway, listening as Jane's voice rises with each word.

"You can't just ask a six year old that question Ma."  
"It's not an unfair question Jane, I wasn't asking it in an offensive or argumentative way…I'm trying to understand-"

"Fine," Jane says cutting her off. "Let me rephrase. You are not to ask my children that. Not until they are much, much older. Not until they understand what you really want to know and have the – god willing – grace to handle your obliviousness themselves."

"You are blowing this out of-" Angela tries, but her daughter will not be silenced, and Maura hears the sound of Jane's beer slamming down against the concrete of her steps.

"Maya doesn't understand the question!" Jane yells, and her voice is hoarse and rough with anger. "She doesn't know anything besides her mothers. She doesn't think it's good or bad…it's just the way it is. She's six. And she just lost Kate, and I will die before I let you make her feel confused about or ashamed over her grief."

"You don't need help from me on that front."

Angela's response is low and bitter, and for a moment, there is just the sound of the wind pushing the leaves down the street.

"What. Is that supposed to mean," Jane says, and her tone is deadly.

"You know perfectly well what I mean," Angela says in the same low voice.

"No,"Jane says "I don't."

Maura sees Angela move in front of the door, facing Jane, and she pulls back further into the hall so that she is not seen.

"What exactly are you doing with Maura?" Angela asks, and her voice is high with nerves. "Are you with her, Jane? Do you really have such little regard for your quote unquote wife that you're already living with someone new?"

The silence that follows this is so complete that it's as if even the wind understands that now is not a good time to make any noise.  
"My quote un…" It seems that Jane is unable to finish this sentence. Maura cannot see her face, but she catches a glimpse of windblown black hair has she whirls, ostensibly away from her mother. "My quote…un…"

"Janie…"Angela's tone suggests that she understands that she has said something wrong, but not the depth of exactly what.

"My…"Jane seems stuck on the one sentence, and this time, when she speaks her voice is heavy with the threat of tears. Maura takes an involuntary step forward.

"Are you sleeping with that woman, Jane?" Angela asks.

"I…don't see where that is any of your fucking business." Anger seems to finally come to the detective's defense, and through the window next to the door, Maura can see Jane take a step forward towards her mother.

"No…no, it's not," Angela says quickly, but her wide eyes jump up to look into Jane's face. "I just….I don't want to lose you again." Her eyes fill up with tears, and Jane looks down at her, bewildered.

"What?"

"I don't want to lose you again," Angela repeats. "And your precious girls…"  
But this seems to be too much for Jane. She turns on her heel and pushes back in the door, storming back into the hallway too fast for Maura to get out of the way, and Jane almost runs into her.  
"Maura," she says, and her face is pale and scared.  
But Maura doesn't have a chance to comfort her, or even say anything at all, because Angela comes charging after her, calling her name.  
"You don't understand, Janie!" she calls, "I was just trying to protect-" but she pulls up short at the sight of Maura standing next to Jane.  
"Dr. Isles," Angela says, and her voice is clipped. "I know this is your home, and dinner was lovely, but do you think that my daughter and I could have a bit of privacy?"  
Maura hesitates, looking at Jane's stoic profile in the hallway light.  
The Maura Isles that is her mother's daughter wants to say yes, wants to say she's sorry and bow out as gracefully as possible.  
But she looks at Jane again, and she can see that Jane is shaking her head almost imperceptibly, and the Maura Isles that belongs to Jane…that is In Love with Jane, cannot simply abandon her.  
"I cannot," she says quietly, and she is as surprised as anyone that her voice does not shake. "I…can't give you the privacy you're asking for if you're going to continue to devalue the most important relationship your daughter has ever had."  
Jane's eyes snap to Maura's, showing nothing but blank shock. But Maura steps forward, the look spurring her forward rather than keeping her at bay. She puts her hand on Jane's shoulder.  
But Angela colors at once. "I would have thought, that as a doctor, you would understand where I was coming from," she says quietly. "My daughter's supposed love for Katherine was-"  
"There is nothing supposed about it, Mrs. Rizzoli," Maura says firmly, trying to keep her anger at bay. "Your daughter's love for Katherine was as real as anything. And biologically speaking, her brain chemistry is the same as any heterosexual man or woman that's in love." Maura hears a noise behind her, and knows that it is Frankie and Tommy coming into the hall. She doesn't care, she keeps speaking. "Biologically speaking, she is no different and statistically speaking…she is better. Homosexual couples have less occurrence of divorce and separation. They have less domestic violence, fewer cases of spousal homicide…" Maura ticks each item off on her hands like she is double checking a grocery list. She doesn't dare look up at Angela, because she is afraid the older woman's face will make her lose her nerve and that is the last thing she wants right now.  
"When you put quotes around the word wife, in relation to Kate, you are not only demeaning your daughter, but disrespecting her as well," she continues. "And I know that it is not my place, I know that this is just my house, and your daughter and granddaughters are just staying in it, and I know that your church does not condone her orientation, that is, they condemn it. And a lifetime of those teachings have altered your sense of reality…but your family is kind and good and caring, and Jane is loyal and selfless and…" Maura squares her shoulders, daring at last to look up at Angela, whose face is as white as a sheet. "And it is my house…So if you cannot speak civilly to your child…if you cannot hear what she has to say and respect her words…then you have to go. I would like you to go, please."

The silence that follows this outburst is so complete that it actually presses against Maura's eardrums, oppressing her. Both Angela and Jane stand rooted to the spot, staring at her as though she has turned into a monster, and behind her, she can feel Frankie and Tommy's eyes boring into her too.  
Maura doesn't move, doesn't look away from Angela, and after a moment the other woman starts to sputter, her face going red.  
"You don't…" she begins. "It's not a matter of…You have no idea what you are talking about."  
But this seems to be the catalyst that her sons were waiting for. Almost at the same time, they come striding past Maura, and Frankie puts a hand on his sister's shoulder and Tommy takes his mother by the arm.  
"Thanks for the turkey, sister," Frankie says quietly, and he leans to kiss his sister on the cheek. "I'm gonna come see you Monday at the precinct, with your gun and your sheild acting like a big shot"  
Jane manages a smile.  
"Ma," Tommy is saying, gently pulling Angela to the door. "See ya soon, Janie" He calls over his shoulder. "I'm sure I'll see you around."  
"That's it?" Angela says heatedly. "She says I have to go, so I have to go?" Her voice rises in anger and indignation, and Frankie shoots Maura a look and a small nod before following after his mother and brother.  
"Yeah," Maura hears him say before the front door closes. "That's it."

….

Maura peeks in at the little family, all together on Jane's bed, the little girls in pajamas with dogs riding sleds. Zoe is snoozing on Jane's chest, and Maya is cuddled up to her side.  
"Read us a rhyme, Mama," Maya says, closing her eyes. "Read us one of mommy's."  
"Oh," Jane says, looking across the room. "My, they're all the way over there…do you want to pick one so I don't wake Zo?"  
Maya pushes herself up and off the bed, scampering across to one of the baskets in the corner. She takes her time choosing, pulling out several and putting them back in with a head shake, until Jane calls "this decade, smalls!" and Maya picks out a worn spiral bound book and heads back to the bed.  
On her way she catches sight of Maura and her face lights up. "Mo!" she says happily. "Come read with us. Come read this rhyme with us!"  
Jane looks around, her her own eyes bright.  
"Oh…no," Maura says quickly, trying to get her legs to back up. "No…I'm sorry, I just wanted to come make sure you were all alright…"  
"Yeah," Jane says smiling as Maya settles in beside her. "And…please, stay. read with us."  
"I…" Maura cannot think of one thing she'd rather do more.  
"Pleeeease?" Maya calls, and her eyes go wide and sad.  
"Oh," Maura says, stepping into the room. "That is not fair…I am not used to puppy eyes." She comes to the bed tentatively, slipping off her heels and stretching out next to Jane, head leaning back against he headboard.  
"Good," Maya says from Jane's other side, settling in more completely. "read now," she demands, and then when Jane raises an eyebrow, "please."  
Jane smiles, and opens the little book. It is clearly handmade. Each photo is glued down to the page, and the verse is handwritten underneath.  
Jane starts to read in her deep voice, and Maura can't help but close her eyes. It is one of the loveliest sounds she's ever heard. and it soothes her into sleep without her knowledge or permission.

_I am tired of going - said dear little bird -  
but there is no where to settle my wings  
be glad you can fly  
was the bullfrog's reply  
some daren't to wish for such things._

_My heart is too sick - said poor little fish - _  
_I must think of myself or why bother?_  
_I would rather be gone_  
_we heard bullfrog respond _  
_then to be selfish and forget about others_

_why cry? you can fly, you're dear and beloved_  
_make your own heart your home and your nest_  
_Soar up into the blue_  
_someone's waiting for you_  
_and their love is the place you will rest._

_little fish, make a wish! slip away underwater _  
_find the current that takes you to sea_  
_you'll find you can survive_  
_and the deeper you dive _  
_that much richer your life will be_

_what of you mr frog, must you sit here forever_  
_with nowhere to call just your own?_  
_babies, this is my calling_  
_to make sure when you're falling_  
_you always know which way is home._


	15. Chapter 15

Maura has a dream that she is drowning.

Her chest is tight and heavy, and no matter how hard she pushes and struggles up towards the surface, she cannot draw a breath. There is water in her mouth, saturating her lungs. Every time she cries out, she sinks a little lower, she loses a little more air, until there are tiny lights popping behind her eyes and she is going to pass out and succumb to her fate. If she could just manage to break the surface. If she could just find something to hold onto.

"Mo-mo?"  
She is going to drown.

"Mohhh Mo?"

She is going to-

"Zoe! Honey, get off her, she's going to suffocate."

Maura opens her eyes slowly, coming face to face with two round light eyes, and a very mischievous smile.

"Nnf," she grunts, trying to take a breath. But the toddler is completely on top of her, kneeling on the soft part of her upper abdomen, just below her ribs.

"Wake!" she squeals happily, seeing Maura squinting up at her. "She 'wake, Mama!"

"Gee, I wonder why that could be," Jane chuckles, and she lifts the toddler to her hip, allowing Maura to struggle upwards and rub at her eyes.

"I dreamt I was drowning," she says, her voice still raspy with sleep. "I dreamt I couldn't breathe."

Jane chuckles, her head half in the closet. "Yeah…that'll happen when you have a tiny little kneecap stuck up under your ribs.

"Zoe's knee!" the toddler says happily from her mother's arms. "Morning Mo!"

Maura smiles despite herself. She cannot help but give into that little voice, especially when it is so cheerful. "What time is it?"

"Quarter to eight," Jane says, turning around with a pair of jeans and a t-shirt in hand.

"Where's Maya?"

"Still sleeping."

"Is she sick?"

Jane laughs. "You might think," she says. "But no, I think it has something to do with the late night documentary on polar bears that someone let her stay up and watch."

Maura smiles sheepishly. Jane had gone out with her brothers last night, and Maura had been left in charge of both girls. She'd seen it as both a show of faith and a test of her abilities. "She said they were her favorite animal," she murmurs and Jane smirks.

"Anything is her favorite after 8:30, Maur. You've got to get a tougher skin."

It is not a criticism, and Jane's voice remains light and nonchalant, but Maura hears the question underneath the statement. She holds her hands out for Zoe, smiling.

"Well, next time I babysit, I will know better," she says.

And Jane beams at her, before setting her daughter down in the doctor's lap.

"I'll be ten," she says, "Maya's hair must be combed today…it's picture day," she says turning away.

"Take your time," Maura calls after her.

Jane doesn't turn around. "Ten," she calls back.

Maura smiles absently, letting her gaze roam over the pictures on the wall. She knows most of them by heart now. It has become commonplace for her to wake up in this room, usually with one of the girls pressed cocoon-like to her side, or with her hand laced gently with Jane's. She has not offered her own bedroom, and Jane has not asked. It seems a given that they should be somewhere where Jane feels comfortable, somewhere close to the girls. But on the fifth night in a row that Maura finds herself sliding between the sheets of Jane's bed, the brunette disappears into the hall and returns with Maura's cell phone. She sets it firmly down on a side of the bureau that Maura notices has been cleared.

"You can leave it here," Jane had said without looking at her. "With like…your other stuff…if you want."

Maura had taken off her watch and the tennis bracelet she usually wore and gotten out of bed to put those things next to her phone.

Two nights later, the top drawer below her half had been left open and empty, and Maura had put several of her sleep shirts in, forcing herself to leave the drawer open so that the detective would see she had agreed.

She'd been in bed with the light off, when Jane had come back from tucking Maya in, and so she'd only heard the slide of the drawer as Jane had shut it. The brunette had gotten into bed and moved as close to Maura as possible without touching.

"Maura?"

The doctor had nodded before realizing she couldn't be seen. "mmm?"

"Can I…" she'd paused, gathering herself. "Can I put my arm around you?"

The doctor would have to note, later, that the long talked about phenomenon of "seeing stars," was in fact, quite real.

…

The victim is posed, that much is clear the moment Maura steps into the living room. She is posed on the floor by the couch, one arm draped over her eyes, like she'd something frightening and passed out from shock. Her red hair is fanned out around her, as though she's caught in the wind, and if Maura didn't know she was dead, she might have thought the woman was pretending…simply hoping to get a rise out of her husband or friend or whoever was walking in the door.

Maura kneels down beside the body and reaches out to feel it. She is already running through procedure in her head, pushing out everything superfluous and not relevant to the body beside her. She sets her bag down beside her, opening it slowly, and even though some would call her job depressing or gory, she cannot help but feel at home, feel the sense of security that comes over her in knowing that she is very, very good at her job.

"Let's see what we can find out about you," she murmurs to the body, "Let's see what I can tell them about you."

.

"Family's on a long weekend vacation up to Vermont, they come back to find a dead girl in their house," The doctor hears Frosts voice getting louder behind her and begins to prepare herself for his partner, Detective Reynolds. She hates working with him almost as much as she loves working with Detective Frost. He is sexist and homophobic and his eyes always linger a little too long on Maura's legs for her liking.

"I haven't spoken to the doc yet, so I'm not sure what the time of death is…but it sure looks like he posed her just for them."

Maura stands, smoothing her skirt, wishing she'd worn a longer one, and turns around, already gritting her teeth. "Good morning, Detective Frost. Good morning De-" but the words get lost in her throat. She is looking, not at the burly Detective Reynolds, but at the long and statuesque form of Jane Rizzoli. For a moment, she just gapes at the two of them, standing there and looking back at her, both with similar looks of bemusement.

"Morning, Maur," Jane says cracking a grin. "Long time, no see…" when Maura doesn't answer, Jane's eyebrows crinkle in concern. "You look…surprised to see me?"

Maura nods, and then shakes her head, and then nods again, trying to pull herself together. Jane is dressed in dress pants and a matching blazer, a pale, sky blue t-shirt underneath. She looks distinctly different than the Jane Rizzoli that Maura left in her kitchen, still in her sweats, hair long down her back…

Maura shakes her head, trying to clear it.

Jane's frown deepens, "Yes, no…yes….no," She says, having followed Maura's gestures. "Yes you are no you are not surprised to see me?"

"yes, she is," Frost cuts in, teasing

Jane grins at him. "no…she isn't," she says. Frost chuckles.

"I…didn't realize that you- I mean, I knew today was the day that…" Maura feels herself getting a little red, as some of the technicians nearby turn towards her, most likely interested to see what has her so flustered.

Jane takes a step forward and puts her hand on Maura's elbow, her dark brown eyes searching the doctor's face. "Maura, did you check your e-mail last night or this morning? Cavenaugh assigned Frost as my partner. He Cc'd you on the memo."

Her email. Maura closes her eyes momentarily. It is her nightly ritual, to check her email, to archive her notes and to go to bed. But last night…

"Maya and I got…distracted," she says, pulling in a deep breath and tugging her arm out of Jane's hand. She opens her eyes and looks down, but when she does, she's looking at Jane's hips and the way her kit belt rests against her stomach, so she closes them again.

"Maura," Jane's voice is urgent. "Is this a problem?"

Maura shake her head, this time looking up into Jane's face and putting on what she hopes is a reassuring smile. "No," she says firmly. "No, it just caught me off guard a little."

"I hear we have a Jane Doe?" Frost steps forward a little, and he flashes her a reassuring grin.

"Yes," Maura says, trying to pull herself together. "Yes, over here. It appears she was posed.  
Jane's face goes ice cold and pale for a moment, when she sees the body, and then she gains control of herself and forces her features into studied indifference. "appears to be," she echoes, "I'll say. Jesus."

Maura kneels back down by the body, and much to her surprise, Jane kneels down beside her.

"I-I'm gonna go ask one of the officer's about the owner's statement," Frost says quickly, backing up away from the body.

Jane chuckles, and she's squatting close enough to Maura that the doctor can feel her body rumble with her laugh. "So he still can't bear to look, I see," she says easily.

Maura wants to tell her to back up. She is not used to anyone being so close to her during her initial process. She doesn't like it. It's one thing to have Jane on her team, it's quite another to have her inside her routine.

"Uh-yes," she says turning back to the body, "Detective Frost has difficulty controlling his gag reflex. It does not make him less of a detective," she adds.

Jane nods, looking at her. "I know, Maur, you don't have to tell me…" her eyes study the doctor's profile. "You okay?"

No. "Yes. I just…I need to go over the body."

Jane nods, but doesn't move, She looks back down at the woman, and then leans forward reaching out.

"there's something in her hand," she says.

And Maura, horrified, reacts without thinking.

"Don't touch," She says, swatting at Jane's hand. Nearby, Frost turns around, eyes wide.

"Wha-Maura!" Jane sputters, holding up her hand. "I'm wearing gloves."

"It doesn't matter! evidence needs to be catalogued and bagged by either me or the technician, Detective. It's the rule."

Jane stares at her like she's got three heads. "I'm not going to contaminate it, Maur," she says and her voice has the hint of an edge to it. Maura wishes she would stop using her nickname. She glances at two technicians nearby, who are taking pictures of the banister and bottom step while trying desperately to eavesdrop.

"_Detective Rizzoli," _Maura says pointedly, "I have to insist."

Jane stands up, brushing a stray wisp of hair out of her face. She looks hard at Maura, who focuses on nothing until she feels Jane leave.

Across the room, she can hear Frost begin to speak, his tone suggesting that he's trying to smooth things over without addressing the situation head on.

"Dr. Isles, usually gives TOD within the first thirty seconds."

"Did CSU find any blood? Anywhere?"

"I…" Maura smiles at Frosts hesitation. He knows she likes the look, process and then deliver the facts. She stands again, turning to face both detectives and Jane looks at her apprehensively.

For a moment, she almost apologizes for her clipped tone and her strict adherence to procedure, but then she shakes herself.

"19% of all murder investigations in the nation are dismissed because of errors or misconduct during evidence collection," she says, and she's aware of her tone but can do nothing about it.

Jane's eyes narrow slightly. "I hadn't planned on contaminating anything," she says quietly, and even though she can tell that Jane is just as nervous as she is, she can't stop herself from answering. "It's certainly never intentional, Detective."

Frost chokes on nothing, and Jane opens her mouth, seems to think better of it, and then closes it again. Maura watches her forcing her face to relax.

"Do you have time of death, Doctor Isles?" She asks, and Maura can't decide whether this concession makes her feel better or worse.

"About four AM this morning," she says, and although Jane starts to turn away, she continues. "There is no immediate cause of death, no sign of defensive or offensive wounds on her arms, and all her clothes appear to be intact and in place."

"She could have been redressed," Jane says, rolling her shoulders. "Perp goes through the trouble of drugging her and posing her just before the owners get home." She looks around. "Did no one find any ID?"

"You don't know she was drugged," Maura says. She wishes she could pinch herself. Her voice is argumentative and high, but she does not know how to stop it. She does not know what to do with Jane in her crime scene, let alone Detective Rizzoli moving around, barking orders and throwing her routine into chaos.

She feels out of her element, something that never happens at work, and that makes her angry. "You shouldn't guess," she says.

Jane manages not to roll her eyes with significant difficulty. "I'm not guessing," she says.

"You are!" Maura's eyes widen, "You have not done a tox screen. You don't know that this young woman's cause of death is drug related. She could have had a cardiac event. She could have been in respiratory distress…"

Jane smirks at her, "Who's guessing now?"

How did this happen? How did she go from feeling at ease and content with her existence to feeling like everything is tumbling down in front of her. She opens her mouth, and then closes it again. She can feel herself hyperventilating, and she presses her lips together, trying to hide it. She waves her hand at Jane, wanting to tell her to go away, but the gesture is jerky and panicked, more like a cry for help than a dismissal.

"I am not guessing," she says angrily. "I am merely listing the ways a person could die that would leave no outward sign of trauma."

Jane frowns a little, though her mouth stays turned up at the corners. "So it might not be foul play? She came in, and passed away of a heart attack, making sure to little mermaid fan her hair out in the process?"

Maura Isles at home with Jane and Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner, have never been so close. It is terrifying, and Maura means to make a dismissive scoff, but what comes out is a sort of surprised hiccup.

Jane steps nearer to her, her face concerned, and Maura tenses, praying that she doesn't make the situation worse, but not holding out much hope "Hey," Jane says quietly, and it's clear she has at least in part, understood the situation "Hey, Maura, calm down. It's not a"

But Maura shakes her head, turning away, already regretting the tone that's about to come out of her mouth.  
"There are rules at my crime scene, Detective Rizzoli," she says harshly, and Jane's dark eyes widen. "We will work better together when you understand that."

She turns away so she doesn't have to see Jane look hurt, or furious, or confused. She turns away so she doesn't have to decide which one of those would be worse to see.

…

Vince Korsak appears in the doorway to Maura's morgue, just as she is prepping for the Y incision. She glances at him and then turns away, looking for the correct size scalpel. He doesn't say anything, but she can feel his eyes follow her as she lines up her instruments, preparing.

"I won't compromise my work, just because of our relationship," She says turning back around, tray in hand.

Korsak raises his eyebrows at her. "Our what?"

She shakes her head, letting out an exasperated sigh. "I know that Jane sent you down here to get the Tox results, which I don't have yet, by the way, because of how I snapped at her at the crime scene today, but I won't compromise my work simply because she and I have a prior relationship." She sets the tray down next to the table and fixes Korsak with a defiant glare.

"I see," Korsak says neutrally. "You think she was overly friendly with you because of your…prior relationship." He doesn't ask her what that might mean, but the way he separates the words makes her bristle.

"I think she thought she could bend the rules because-"

But Korsak's deep chuckle makes her look up. At first she thinks he is laughing at her, and anger makes her hairline prickle, but he steps forward hands up, and she realizes his expression is really quite gentle.

"Jane bends the rules because she's Jane," Korsak says gently.

Maura stares at him. "Excuse me?"

"Don't get me wrong, she'd never do something unethical or corrupt…she hates corrupt cops with a kind of hatred that is, well, it's pretty terrifying."

Maura looks down at the body of the woman in front of her. "She's the same," she says thickly. And when she glances up at Korsak, he looks confused, so she continues. "She's the same person here that she is at home. Sarcastic, impulsive, imaginative."

"She's the best damn cop this academy has ever seen," Korsak says. "Her ability to stretch herself is what makes her good at what she does. She's stubborn as a mule and sometimes you want to strangle her, but," he rubs his hand over his chin, "her drive is unparalleled."

Maura shakes her head, "How does she compartmentalize?"

Korsak smiles, "She doesn't."

Maura cannot imagine. Korsak comes a little closer, leaning against one of her empty tables. "She works off her guts. She guesses, and reworks, and guesses, and reworks again. She just…" Korsak shrugs, "she has a nose for crime."

Maura leans both her hands on the edge of her table. "You are saying that she is my antithesis," she says quietly.

"I am."

"But you think we can we work together, Vince? You think we would fit each other? You know that my crime scenes are…"

"The most meticulously documented," he fills in for her, "They have the most detailed write ups and the most catalogued evidence. They are the best crime scenes in the state. Combine that with Jane's drive and her instincts?"

Korsak whistles and Maura can't help but smile a little.

"Doctor, I think the two of you will make history."

…

Maura comes home late. She stays to finish her notes in her office, lingering over the TOX screen results, which show that death was due to a drug overdose, taken orally.

She pushes the door to the house open. It is too late for the girls to be up, but she can hear the television in the living room, so she knows, at least, that Jane has not retreated into her bedroom.

She stops in the kitchen to pour herself some wine, and when she opens the fridge, she finds a glass there, already poured. It makes her chest swell with affection and guilt and relief, and about a dozen other emotions she doesn't have time to catalogue.

She takes the glass of wine out of the fridge and heads intot he living room, where Jane is sitting cross legged on the couch, watching ESPN.

Maura sits down on the end of the couch, and Jane doesn't take her eyes off Sportscenter. Maura watches her sipping her beer, a look of mixed defiance and guilt on her face.

"Thank you for the wine," Maura says quietly. "I'm sorry I'm late."

Jane nods, not looking at her. "You're not late…we weren't going to do anything."

Maura sighs, "We have to talk, Jane," she says quietly.

But Jane shakes her head, "No we don't," she replies, still not looking away from the television. "I'll talk to Cavenaugh. I'm sure he can get me another partner." She shrugs her shoulders, "I'd rather live with you than work with you."

Maura has opened her mouth to speak, but the last comment that leaves Jane's lips makes her momentarily blank with pleasure.

"You would?"

And now Jane turns to look at her, eyes wide and incredulous, like the doctor is crazy. "Of course I would."

Maura bites her lip, trying not to smile, and Jane smirks at her, setting her beer down. "You are the dumbest genius I know, Maura Isles."

Maura flushes. "Korsak informed me this afternoon that you work differently than a lot of police officers."

Jane chuckles, turning back to the television and relaxing back against the sofa. "Yes," she says "I guess I do. Heaven help Frost."

"He says you come off as a maverick of sorts. A rule bender who is set on justice."

Jane laughs again, "Are those his words?"

Maura smiles, moving a little closer to the brunette on the couch. "More or less. But his exact words at one point were 'Jane's work ethic and drive are unparalleled,'" Maura says, watching Jane's face closely. The brunette swallows hard, like she's actually swallowing the compliment.

"Korsak doesn't know the word 'unparalleled," Jane jokes, but Maura doesn't take the bait.

"I don't want you to find a new partner," she says holding out her hand. "And we still need to talk."

Jane makes a face, but she takes Maura's hand. "Yeah? Even though your technicians know your first name now?"

Maura rolls her eyes, "They knew it before you said it, Jane, don't be ridiculous."

"I dunno, I saw a couple exchanging bewildered looks. She has a first name? She has a soft side?"

But this jab, even couched in Jane's gentle voice, pokes a little close to a tender spot inside the doctor's chest and she pulls away, frowning. Jane follows. "Hey," the brunette says, and Maura feels arms wrapping around her waist, and tears in her eyes. "Hey…I'm sorry." Jane places a soft kiss to the skin behind Maura's ear. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it meanly, Maura. You're the best Medical Examiner on the east coast. Everyone knows that."

Maura fights the burning behind her eyes. "I'm the queen of the dead," she says quietly. "That's what they call me."

Jane gives her a squeeze. "You're dedicated and precise and you don't like to be wrong. If all of our MEs were as driven as you, no one would even think of committing murder in Boston…Hell, in Massachusetts."

The conviction in Jane's voice makes Maura grin, but she spins so she's facing the brunette, and she forces her features into seriousness. She wants to get the point across.

"I don't want you to find a new partner, unless you want to find a new partner. But we still have to talk."

Jane is watching Maura's lips move. "Okay," she says slowly.

"Do you think we can work together and live together?"

Jane's eyes flick up to Maura's. "I have to call you Dr. Isles when we're at work?"  
Maura grins, "Some of the time, yes."

Jane narrows her eyes, "You don't guess?"

A head shake, "not ever."

"You like rules," Jane says, leaning forward, so her breath is warm on the doctor's collarbone.

"I love them," Maura says, and she has to force her eyes to stay open. She pushes Jane back gently, "Listen," she says quietly, "No, listen to me Jane," for the brunette has huffed and pulled away. "This is serious."

Jane rolls her shoulders uncomfortably, "No it isn't Maura. I think we'd work well together. We'll balance each other out."

"But we should have a deeper discussion about this, Jane," Maura presses, watching as Jane's face begins to slip into impassivity. "We can't just jump into a working relationship when we don't even have a real handle on what our…personal relationship is."

Jane's face is unreadable and Maura leans closer to her, reaching out to run her hand over Jane's cheekbone, trying to draw her out. "Don't," she whispers. "Don't close up on me…I see you communicating in all these little ways…the dresser, trusting me with your girls…_talk _ to me, honey. Please."

Jane shifts, avoiding the doctor's eyes. "Maur…why do we have to-"

But Maura cuts her off, putting her other hand on Jane's face and holding it still. "Because," she says taking a breath. "Because I'm falling in love with you, Jane. No…that's not right. I'm _in_ love with you. And I deserve to know where I stand."

They look at each other, Maura breathing a little heavily from her outburst and Jane nearly breathing at all. Maura's thumbs trace Jane's cheek bones gently, and Jane's eyelids flutter, though they don't close the whole way.

"What did you say to me?"

Maura licks her lips, "I said I'm in love with you," she waits a beat and then repeats herself. "I love you."

Jane opens her mouth, and the look on her face makes Maura's stomach lurch, but before she can say anything, a pounding sound, like someone hammering hard on wood, comes from the front hall.

Maura spins around to look, and Jane redoubles her grip around Maura's waist. "Ignore it," She says, but then two voices ring out, accompanying the pounding.

"Jane?" Frost.

"Dr. Isles? Are you in there?" And Korsak. Both women look at each other before pushing up off the couch and heading into the front hall.

Maura opens the door on three men, All looking drawn and pale. "Barry," Maura says, a little taken aback. "Is everything alright?"

"Frankie?" Jane says, coming up behind Maura, frowning at the three officers on the doorstep, her brother still in his uniform. "What's going on?"

"You can't shut me out this time, Janie," Frankie says fiercely. "You can't just lock yourself away, alright?"

Jane shakes her head, baffled. "What are you talking-"

"You didn't see the news?" Vince steps forward as Frost puts his hand on Frankie's shoulder.

"See what news?" Maura asks, and her hand finds Jane's without conscious thought. "What's happened.

Korsak looks at Maura and then at Frost, who swallows hard.

"It's all over the news, Jane," he says, like it's causing him physical pain. and Maura knows what he's going to say before he does. She feels Jane squeeze her hand once, and she closes her eyes, bracing herself.

"It's Hoyt."


	16. Chapter 16

"It could be a coincidence." Maura says it, but she knows that the words are as hollow as the look that's starting to creep over Jane's features. She knows that it is not a coincidence, but a very, very deliberate move. She squeezes Jane's hand in her lap, silently begging the woman to stay in the present with her. She tries, with the pressure of skin on skin to reassure the brunette that she is still here, that this information does not change anything.

Jane doesn't move.

Maura leans close to her and presses her lips to Jane's ear, not caring that Korsak, Frost and Frankie are sitting across from them "It's okay," she whispers.

Jane looks around at her, and doesn't answer.

Across from the two women, the TV is on mute, but the news reel still plays, flashing the dead woman's picture up on the screen, the ticker underneath proclaiming triumphantly, _Dead girl identified: Cheryl Jennings, 23. Police have yet to give a statement._

Cheryl Jennings. The name makes Maura go cold all over and she can't even imagine what it does to Jane.

"Who the hell released the name to the media?" Jane growls finally without raising her head.

Frost glances at Korsak before speaking. "That's the thing, Jane…No one released it…The media got the jump on us."  
As if to prove his point, a picture of the woman's Massachusetts driver's license flashes onto the screen. Jane stares at it, trying to comprehend. "Turn the sound on," she says and Maura presses the little button on the remote immediately.

_NBC Nightly News is proud to bring you the most up to date information on the local murder of Cheryl Jennings, who was found dead this morning in a neighbor's house. Although murder in itself is always a shocking and saddening subject to report on, many are commenting on the circumstances surrounding Cheryl's death. Charles Hoyt, the notorious Serial Killer who was brought to justice by BPD detective Jane Rizzoli last February has been transferred to the Fort Ann correctional Facility in upstate NY. His transfer took place this morning, exactly two hours before Cheryl Jennings body was discovered. And in perhaps the most shocking and unsettling twist in this story, Ms. Jennings shares her exact name and birthdate with Hoyts first Chicago victim._

Jane waves her hand, looking away, and Maura mutes the TV, reaching for Jane again.

"It's not a coincidence," Jane says dully, "It's a message."

"Cavenaugh wants to take you off, Jane" Korsak says into the silence that follows. "You don't need this as your first case back."

Jane runs her free hand through her hair, and her jaw clenches as she hides her emotions.

"Why the hell didn't anyone tell me Hoyt was getting moved?"

Korsak frowns, leaning forward a little, trying to make eye contact. "Jane. Did you hear me? You can't work this case. Cavenaugh doesn't want you burning out before you even get started."

Jane looks up at him sharply. "What?" Maura squeezes Jane's hand, trying to keep her calm. "No, I'm working this case."

"Jane," Frankie says leaning forward too. "You can't-"

"It's my case!" She says, tugging her hand out of Maura's and standing up. All three men stand too, Frost with his hands out. "He's sending me a message!"

"We don't know-"

But Jane fixes him with an icy stare. "He's sending me a message," she says, more slowly, "and if I drop this case, He will find a way to get at me another way, no, Frost," she says because Frost has tried to interrupt her. "It's not a coincidence that she shows up murdered, _in_ my jurisdiction on the same exact date that Hoyt gets moved upstate from Chicago." She runs her hand through her hair and turns away from them, clearly trying to get herself under control. And when she speaks again, it is slow and furious, demanding a respond.

"Why the hell did no one tell me that he was getting transferred?"

Maura sees Frost look guiltily at Korsak, who nods almost imperceptibly before saying, "It was me, Jane, alright? I didn't want them to tell you. Be mad at me."

Jane turns to look at him, and her face is a mixture of hurt and fury that makes Maura feel lightheaded. She doesn't know what she would do if that stare was ever focused on her.

"I didn't think you'd ever have to know," Korsak says, with a sideways glance at Frost. "I thought he'd get transferred and no one would care. He's in fucking lock up."

But Jane points at him. "Well he's got an apprentice out here who wanted to make sure I knew," she says fiercely. "And now, not only do I know, not only have I been blindsided, but now I've gotta go see the bastard."

"No!" Frankie, Maura and Frost all speak at the same time, but it is Maura who keeps going. "No, you don't, Jane, why would you have to go see him? You don't." She is aware of repeating herself, of speaking for Jane, but she can't help herself, and the brunette's face softens a little when she looks at the doctor.

"He's doing this to get my attention."

"He's a psychopath, Janie," Frankie speaks up, "You really think giving him what he wants is going to placate him?"

"He's _KILLING WOMEN." _Jane says.

"Woman," Frost counters quickly, stepping forward. "He might have had a hand in killing one woman," Jane turns away again.

"Someone has to call New York. Let them know."

"I'll do it first thing tomorrow, Jane," Frost says, "I promise. And we're going to leave a detail on the house."

Jane nods but doesn't turn around.

"We're gonna get him, Jane, okay? We're going to figure out what's going on."

Frost stands, waiting for a response, but after a moment, Korsak puts a hand on the younger man's shoulder and they turn away, towards the front hall.

Maura looks at Jane's back, at her shoulders as they rise and fall. "I'm going to walk them out, Jane," she says quietly. "Okay?"

Jane shifts, and Maura has turned away before she answers.

"Okay."

.

Maura pulls open the door for the three officers as they make their way onto the front step. Across the street, Maura can see a police car with two uniforms inside, one of them reading a newspaper, the other with his eyes trained on the house. She feels a little comforted.

"Barry," she says, catching his arm as he heads down the stairs. He turns to look at her. "Do you really think Charles Hoyt is after her?"

Frost hesitates, and then nods gravely. "She's the only cop that's ever had one up on him, and the only one that's ever found his hideout and rescued live victims from it."

"What's special about Cheryl Jennings?" Maura asks quietly.

Frost sighs, "She was Hoyt's first Chicago kill. The first one that Jane investigated."

Maura feels cold all over. "Barry," she begins but he cuts her off, moving back up the steps and coming right up close to her, so that he can whisper and still be heard.

"Maura, he's gunning for her," he says lowly. "She embarrassed him. He doesn't see people as people, he sees them as pawns…as prizes, and she took three prizes from him. And then _beat _him…even after he thought he'd won."

Maura opens her mouth, but Frost shakes his head. "Whatever you're going to say…you don't understand." He looks into her face like he's searching for something. "The apprentice tortured Jane physically…sure," he says shrugging like that's no big thing. "Sure, he shot her, twice…but Hoyt was counting on what he did to Kate to be the thing that broke Jane. To show her, in no uncertain terms, what happens to people who slight him. He didn't expect her to get up that night, and I'm guessing that – in prison – he never expected to see her name in the paper for any other reason than 'once great detective takes her own life.'" Frost grimaces at his own words, but looks at the doctor, to see if she understands. "He's pissed, Maura. If you didn't hate obscenities so much, I would tell you just how pissed."

Maura feels herself shiver, and knows it has nothing to do with the chilly weather. "What can I do?" she asks quietly. "What can I do?"

Frost hesitates. "Try not to let her push too hard," he says, "and call us…if she starts to lose it. Call any of us…no matter the time."

Maura nods, "Alright…Alright," she rubs her hands together, but finds that does nothing to warm them. She wants to press them against the hardened muscles of Jane's stomach. She wants to reassure herself that the detective is there.

"Dr. Isles," Korsak has come back, is standing a little ways behind Frost, his face half hidden in shadow.

"Mmm?"

"We're going to protect you too," he says quietly.

And before she can restart her brain in order to thank him, and try to express to her what that means, all three men have turned and headed back to Frost's unmarked car.

She watches them go, watches them all safely around the block before shutting the door and locking it. She stares at the door for a moment and then after a second, she pulls the chain across the door as well. Statistically speaking, there is not a lock in the world that can keep a burglar or murderer out when they are intent on coming in. She has seen locks blasted off their hinges, locks dangling uselessly on the sides of doors, locks picked with expert precision, and she tries to shut down the other images that begin flooding into her mind unheeded. The images of what she finds behind those broken locks, of the people who thought that by sliding a deadbolt, they could keep danger out of their house.

She returns to the living room, coming up short when she finds it empty.

"Jane?" She keeps her voice low because of the girls, but her heart is already hammering hard. "Jane?"

She hurries back into the hall and down to Jane's room, pushing the door open.

Empty.

Maura takes a deep breath and spins to face the girl's room, trying to keep from shouting. "Jane," she whispers, pushing the door open a crack.

In the light cast from the hall, she can see Maya's bed in the corner, and the sliver of light falls across the little girls face serene with sleep. And over the little rise of her hip, Maura can just make out Jane's hand.

Maura pushes the door open enough to slip through, propelled by an irrational desire to see all of Jane, to make sure that the woman is fully there in bed with her daughter.

When she approaches the bed, Jane stirs, lifting her head to look up at the doctor in the silvery light from the window.

Jane reaches out to her, and Maura takes the hand in her own, bringing it to her lips. "Sleep tight," she says quietly as she releases Jane's hand.

The brunette blinks at her.

"There's room in Zoe's," she whispers back. And Maura feels tears in her eyes. "stay."

So she does.

She slides into bed next to the little toddler, and Zoe grumbles and rolls towards her, her tiny hand coming to thread through one of Maura's curls.

And the doctor has never fallen asleep so quickly, or slept so well.

…

_"I just don't think that you should have goaded him like that in the paper, Jane."_

_"I didn't goad him, hon, I stated that this was my city and that he couldn't just go around killing girls."_

_"You said you would find him, and make sure he never hurt another woman again."_

_Jane's face gets dark and brooding. It is one of Kate's favorite expressions on her wife, even though she knows it usually means she's in for a fight._

_"I will," Jane says gruffly. "Did you call Natasha today? How are they adjusting to the Brownstone?"_

_And Kate sighs and wraps her arms around the skinny waist of her detective._

_"They are fine. They are endlessly grateful," she kisses her wife's shoulder. "You are good, Jane Rizzoli, you know that? You are a good, good, cop."_

_And Jane spins in her arms, lifting her up into the air, her long fingers contracting on Kate's waist and making her giggle. "I'm a detective," she growls playfully. "And a superhero. The paper says so."_

_But Kate pulls back, her brows knitting together in the serious way she knows Jane hates. "Superhero or not," she says quietly, "you have human children who would miss you terribly if something happened. You have a human wife who would simply cease to carry on." She wraps her legs around Jane's waist and puts her head down on the muscular shoulder. "Promise me you'll be careful, Superjane "_

_And Jane hugs her hard._

_"I promise."_

_…_

It is clear that Jane doesn't want to leave the girls at school. Jane hugs and kisses Maya and then Zoe, eyeing the Aide that comes to get them suspiciously.

"Good morning, Detective," the young woman says cheerfully, reaching out for Zoe.

Jane pulls back instinctually, causing Zoe to redouble her grip on her mother's neck, looking surprised, and Maya to stop walking and look back.

"Uh…Morning," Jane says, glancing at Maura.

"Mommy?" Maya says turning fully around a looking up at her mother with worried blue eyes.

Jane takes a breath hugging Zoe and kissing the side of her head. She steps forward and hands her to the aide, the way she does every morning.

The woman smiles understandingly, and Maura wonders if she's seen the news. The thought that she has makes the doctor feel strangely protective.

"Be good, smalls," she says, trying on a smile. "I'll be right here at 3:15, alright?"

The aide and Maya both nod, and Zoe nods too, a little late.

"I love you," Jane says, and Maya cocks her head. She's not unused to hearing her mother say those words, but even Maura can't miss the hint of desperation they carry this time.

Maya comes back over to her mother, lifting her arms, asking to be held. Jane picks her up without question, and Maura thinks that if Maya asked for a mansion, right at this moment, Jane would find a way to give it to her.

"three, one, five," Maya says, leaning her forehead against Jane's. "How many hours is that?"

"Seven," Jane says in a strangled sounding voice. "And a half."

"Not so long," Maya hugs her mother around the neck, hard and lingering, and then drops her legs to get down.

Jane lets her down and watches as she runs to catch up to her friends. Maura comes up beside her, setting her hand on Jane's shoulder.

"Yes," She says smiling when the brunette looks around at her. "Not so long."

….

….

Cheryl Jennings is on her autopsy table when she enters the morgue later that day. She'd left Jane in the bullpen with the distinct feeling that she was dropping her off, leaving her in the care of Frost and Korsak while she goes to do her job.

As they'd driven away from her children, it seemed that Jane had become harder with each mile, so that by the time she'd entered the precinct, she'd looked fierce and steely, like nothing could possibly rattle her.

For a moment, she just stands in front of the woman on her table, trying to comprehend how this has happened. Trying to remain rational, while also allowing herself to feel angry…and scared.

"Patient is a Caucasian woman in her early twenties," she begins, lifting the tape recorder to her mouth. "Tox screen shows elevated levels of alcohol, acetaminophen, and hydrocodone, and preliminary cause of death is being noted as an overdose of toxic substances."  
Maura walks twice around the table, not touching, just looking.

She wonders momentarily what the first Cheryl Jennings looked like. If, when Jane walked into the house, she looked at the woman lying there and thought of the first woman, if she pushed the thought away, reassuring herself that Hoyt was in jail and could not hurt her.

She wonders how it had felt for her, last night, to learn that she was wrong.

She shakes her head and tries to push Jane away, lifting the recorder to her mouth again. "Patient appears to be in good health…Skin shows no long term signs of drug or alcohol use, dental work is recent and well done." She frowns, as another part of yesterday comes back to her.

_Maura. There's something in her hand._

_Jane! Don't touch._

Maura moves around to the woman's left side, unfolding her hand and laying it, palm up, on the table. There is not something _in _her hand, but rather scrawled across her palm in bright red, permanent marker, the big block letters fat and easy to see.

Maura lifts the tape recorder to recited what is written there, but as the words penetrate, she finds she cannot speak, and the tape recorder picks up nothing but her gasp, and then the clatter of plastic on linoleum as it falls from the doctor's hands.

She's almost to the door of the morgue before she registers the sound it makes on the floor, but she doesn't turn around. She speeds up, running towards the elevator in her scrubs and messy bun, not caring who sees, the blood red burns already etched into her brain.

**_ANOTHER ONE YOU WERE TOO LATE TO SAVE._**

…

The car ride to pick the girls up is silent and tense. This morning, the idea of Hoyt's return had been a threatening but vague presence. Now, it seems to press against everything inside the car, covering and oppressing them.

Maura wants to reach out and take Jane's hand, hold onto it while she says something comforting to pull the detective out of herself. But it seems like Hoyt is between them now, walling Jane off in memories that Maura has no knowledge of, and could not share if she did.

They pull up to a red light, and Jane looks up at it like it has done her a great personal wrong. It is taking too long to get to her children. It is 3:11. She needs to be there now.

"I was thinking," Maura says, and Jane jumps, like she's forgotten Maura is the one driving the car.

"I've been thinking," Maura says again, a little softer. "I have a guest room upstairs."

Jane looks at her blankly.

"The girl's window faces the street," she says, and Jane puts up a hand immediately, stopping her.

"Whatever statistic, you are about to spout off," she says roughly. "Please do not."

Maura bites her lip, trying not to feel stung. "I want to move them upstairs," she says after a moment. "I want you all to move upstairs…please." She doesn't say anything more about that. She doesn't say she is terrified that Hoyt's flunkies will sneak through the window of her house and take more away from Jane than they already have. She is afraid that this will happen while she and Jane sleep peacefully across the hall, and that it will be her failure as much as their crime.

Jane does not respond. She doesn't even look around at Maura as the light turns green and she presses the gas, trying to keep her eyes on the road.

They are almost to the school when she feels Jane turn in her seat and look at her.

"Thank you," she says quietly. "Thank you, Maura."

…

_She wakes up and she cannot breathe. Charles Hoyt's hands are around her arms, and her throat and Kate's screams are in her ears, begging for help. Begging Jane to help her, to stop him._

_She cannot stop him. The pain is ripping through her back like a bone saw, and she can't move, and she can't see for the agony. This is what's real. This is what has always been real._

_She is going to die._

_But then hands are holding tight to her arms, pulling at her. Someone is speaking to her, whispering to her, and although Jane tries at first to get away from the voice, she finds that she cannot._

_She finds she doesn't want to._

Maura wraps her arms tight around the shivering body next to her, holding tighter when Jane tries to pull away.

"I can't," she hiccups a little and tries to sit up straight, hissing in pain. "It…It…" she wants to say it hurts and she does not want to appear weak. Maura watches her struggle with a mixture of awe and sorrow. She holds tighter.

"I'm here," she whispers, "I'm here, I'm here, I'm here." Her heart is still pounding hard in her chest, but she doesn't let go of Jane, rocking back and forth as Jane finally collapses against her, soaking her neck and her t-shirt with tears.

"It…" Jane falters afraid of the confession, she convulses against Maura as more sobs rack her body, and she gives in, finally.

"It hurts," She moans. "It hurts so bad, Maura. Help me."

"Shh," Maura says, terrified. "shhh, I'm…I've got you. It's in your head, Jane. The pain is psychosomatic."

But Jane shakes her head, and one long arm reaches around to push at her back. "No," she whimpers. "No, it's real…It's real, they're back…help me." Her dark eyes open and lock on to Maura's, and they are more lucid than the doctor has seen this evening.

She nods, "Okay…" she says, and Jane stills.

"okay?"

Maura leans forward and takes the hem of Jane's shirt between her forefinger and thumb. Okay, "she whispers. "Okay…I'll help you.

With a soft sound, like the beginnings of a sigh, Jane lifts her arms and Maura pushes the tank top up and over her head, tossing it aside and trying to fight the arousal that rushes through her at seeing brunette, bare chested in front of her.

_Focus._

She reaches out, working to keep her arms from trembling, and puts her hands on Jane's shoulders.

"Sometimes, when the body experiences something particularly traumatic, it has trouble coming back from it…no matter how hard we push it."

Jane spins so she is facing away from Maura, uncoiling as she does, in order to lie down on her stomach, and the doctor has to suck in a deep breath and hold it in order to keep from crying out.

Four long scars track Jane's body, from the base of her shoulder to the waistband of her pants. They are thin, no more than the width of a pencil, but lighter than the rest of her skin and a little raised to the touch, clearly enough damage to require a skin graft in some places.

"It's not real," She hears Jane murmur into the pillow, "It's over. It's not real. It's not happening again," And without stopping to think, Maura puts her hands against Jane's back, spreading her fingers out as far as they will go.

"Shhh," she says, feeling Jane's diaphragm expand and deflate under her hands. "Listen to my voice."

Jane quiets, turning her head to the side so she can hear better. Maura moves so that she can straddle Jane's hips, pressing her hands a little harder against her back. The sound Jane makes is not a moan so much as a rumble, like the way the earth will shift before an avalanche or an earthquake. It makes Maura breathless.

"Trauma…like this is just as emotional as it is physical. When we lose a part of our physical selves, our emotional brain does not always know how to make up for it. Just as when we lose a part of our emotional selves, our body can react adversely too."

Jane is barely breathing, but in the shadowed light from the window, Maura can see her blinking, her lips moving over the words "a part of our physical selves."

"You had both happen to you at the same time," Maura says, willing her voice not to shake. "The scars on your back are forever going to be tied to your emotional loss. It is a scientific and logical fact that when you miss Katherine…these will hurt."

Jane shudders as Maura runs her hands from the tips of her shoulder blades all the way down to the waist band of her leggings.

"Againn," she sighs. And Maura picks her hands up to place them at the top of Jane's shoulders once more.

"But the physical pain is in your head, Jane," Maura says, and she leans over to put her lips against the sharp curve of Jane's shoulder blade. "Can you feel my lips?" she breathes against Jane's skin.

She gets the ghost of a nod in return.

"Does it feel good? Do you feel how it is separate from your pain?"

Another nod that is barely there.

"Good," she says quietly. "Now you can choose to hold onto either. You can choose to let that pain eat you. Choose to merge it with the pain of loss and the fear of more damage," Jane shivers as Maura presses her lips to her shoulder again.

"Or, you can focus on this feeling," another kiss, this this time to the nape of Jane's neck, "You can choose to hold onto this…to hold on to me, and let what I feel for you merge with your pain and your fear…and ease it a little."

Jane's hands curl into fists against her sheets. Maura runs her hands along Jane's back. Downstairs, in Jane's room, the sheets are white, and pale, and when she looks at Jane against them, she looks pretty, muscular and strong.

Up here, in her room, Maura's sheets are a deep midnight blue, and when Jane rolls and looks up into the doctor's face, she looks primeval, like she is of a different species. Wild and breathtaking and completely unattainable.

Maura bends and kisses her, she cannot help it. She presses their lips together hungrily, and when Jane wraps her arms around her and pulls them together, she moans.

When they break apart both of them are breathing heavily, Maura because she has never had a kiss that felt that way, Jane…because she is crying.

"I'll be better," she says, pulling Maura down against her. "I can…I can be…I can be…" but she is breathing too hard to get the entire sentence out, so Maura covers her face with kisses, soothing her in between.

"Say it again," Jane says, opening her eyes. "Say it again."

It was almost twenty seven hours ago that the sentence left her lips, but Maura knows exactly what she's talking about.

"I love you," she whispers, and Jane takes a breath big enough to move them both.

"I love you too."


	17. Chapter 17

Maura is in awe of the detective.

Hoyt's terrifying and unique brand of warfare is entirely psychological, and Jane meets it head on without wavering. She sits in on the second half of Maura's autopsy of Cheryl Jennings autopsy, her dark eyes following Maura's careful movements, flicking up to her face when she stops to record something.

"Hoyt's MO is to go after couples," Jane tells the doctor as they drive out of the city towards Cheryl's parent's address. "Couples," she says again, like she's lost her place, "usually with young children. His game was to torture one to death while the other one watched, and then take the survivor to his bunker and torture them some more."

Maura thinks of Megan McKinnon, and as if Jane can read her thoughts, she continues, "Usually the men died first, easier to carry a woman off than a man…and the kids got left behind. Meg McKinnon's kids sat with their father's body for almost twenty four hours before the were rescued.

"Awful," Maura says quietly, though, in the face of the act, the word seems meaningless.

Jane rolls her shoulders. "I wonder if we're looking at a female accomplice," she says, "and she reverses Hoyt's practices in order to spend more time with her chosen gender preference."

Maura looks sharply at Jane, and then away. The brunette doesn't miss it. "What?"

Maura shakes her head, "oh…no, it's nothing."

"It's something, Doctor," the way Jane's voice wraps around her title gives Maura goosebumps, she wonders if it's too late to have Jane call her Maura again, while they're on the job. "What is it?" Jane presses.

"Nothing," Maura says again, "I just…'chosen gender preference,'" she quotes back at Jane. "you…you sounded a little like me."

There is silence for a moment as Jane contemplates this, and when Maura chances a glance at her she sees that the detective is grinning.

"Yes," she says, still smiling. "But I was guessing. Something that you would never do."

Maura chuckles. "Theorizing," Maura says. "You were theorizing."

"Tomato, tomahto," Jane says, her eyes still on the road.

"No!" Maura can't help herself. "There is a marked difference between the two words. Miriam & Webster categorize theorizing as-"

"Ehi!" Jane says, waving her hand, "I surrender! You win."

"You speak Italian," Maura says, leaning back in her seat.

And Jane grins at her before turning into the drive of the victim's house. "Still waters run deep, Dr. Isles."

Maura shivers. She would never accompany detectives on an interview, nor would she ever allow anyone to sit so close to her as she performed her autopsy. She would never have anything near the type of banter that she and Jane seem so comfortable with.

She would never, she would never. Not until Jane.

Jane stops the car and looks out through the front windshield at the dilapidated split level.

"Ready?" she asks. "You sure you want to come with me?"

Maura nods. There will never be a time when the answer to that question is no.

…

By the time they get home, Jane is exhausted.

They pick the girls up at Angela's house, and Jane nearly falls asleep on the ten minute drive between houses. Maura wonders if her sleep is a defense mechanism, simply serving to shield her from the events of the afternoon, and give her a moment when she does not have to think about their implications.

_…_

_"We're so sorry for your loss," Jane holds the front door open for Maura, and then follows her in, clasping her hands in front of her, against her waist. "Thank you very much for seeing us today."_

_Maura thinks the house might fall down on them as they walk from the dank little front hall to the tiny little sitting room. Cheryl Jennings' father has let them in, and when they enter the living room, they encounter the woman who must me Cheryl's mother, sitting on a threadbare couch and holding two red headed little boys on her lap that look so much like the victim that Maura is not able to stifle her gasp._

…

Maya has trouble going to sleep. It is not that she does not like her new room upstairs, it is just that she is uncomfortable with change in general, and she fusses, holding onto her mother long after Zoe has fallen asleep in Maura's arms.

"My stomach hurts," she says tiredly, as Jane tries for the third time to put her down.

"Oh, Bug," Jane says gently. "Why do you think?"

"Prolly because it didn't see you all day today," she says finally releasing her mother, "and it missed the way you give it snack."

Jane smiles, "well," she says quietly, "You tell your stomach that tomorrow, I will come get it from Gramma's long before bed time, and I will feed it snack and dinner."

Maya yawns, "And give it kisses?"

Maura smiles from the doorway, watching as Jane smooths the little girl's hair out of her face.

"So many kisses."

…

_"Cheryl was a single mother?" Jane's voice has a new quality of urgency, and Maura turns from the mantle where she's been perusing the photos there, and has just come to the same conclusion._

_The victim's mother, Abigail, nods slowly. "Yes. She and her husband split up almost a year ago. Almost a year, Mike, wasn't it?"_

_"Who knows," Cheryl's father says bitterly, wiping his upper lip with the back of his hand. "Who cares? For all the contact he's had with his boys since then, he might as well be dead." Mike points a short squarish finger at Jane. "He's not getting custody, I can tell you that much," he says "We'll make due…Somehow."_

_Jane looks pained._

_…_

Maura has never truly understood exhaustion until she sinks down next to Jane on the couch in the living room. Her job has never tired her like this, and she realizes with a jolt that it's because she's never bothered to look too closely at the lives that ended on her autopsy table. She'd done her job, well, and trusted the detectives around her to deal with the living part that she often found too messy and confusing for her liking.

But now, pressed against Jane, watching a TV show that she cannot even begin to comprehend, she realizes that with Jane's messiness comes love, comes compassion and the type of loyalty that makes her knees weak.

Jane feels Maura sigh and lifts a hand to thread it through her hair.

"Hey," she says, and nothing else.

The doctor has been missing out on everything.

…

_"The MO is different." They are in the car on the way home._

_Maura has been thinking the exact same thing, but to hear it out of Jane's mouth seems to make it true._

_"Don't say that," she says, and her voice is hushed. "We don't know that."_

_"Single mother of two under seven," Jane says. "That is a fact. New single parent of about a year? Another fact," Jane's voice is harsh, and Maura finds herself wincing. "Who does that sound like, Maura? Huh?"_

_She feels Jane turn to look at her, and she bites her lip. "It's one woman," she says. "It's just one woman."_

_"So far," Jane says, and then she sighs heavily, and her hand comes moves to squeeze Maura's knee "I'm sorry," she says quietly. "I'm sorry, Maura. I'm just…"_

_Scared, angry, confused…_

_"I know," she says, laying her hand over Jane's on her knee. "I know."_

….

They finish the TV show, and they go to bed. They sleep each night, with Jane pressed against Maura's back, and her arm around her, holding her tight. The brunette's arm comes under her own and then up between her breasts to hold her shoulder, pulling her back tight against Jane's body, almost like a seatbelt.  
At first, the doctor didn't know if she could fall asleep this way, with the gentle flexing of Jane's bicep as she dreamt, or the hard, fierce way the woman's heart pounded against her back. She'd been scared to move, scared to pull away for fear that Jane would take it as outright rejection. She'd wondered if this is the way Jane would sleep with Katherine, and the thought made her alternately warm with jealousy or cold with determination to find her own comfort in Jane's arms.

But tonight, as Jane pulls her close, wrapping her arm around Maura's front, she feels Jane's lips on the back of her neck, smooth and warm.

"Maura?" she whispers, and her arm contracts, pulling Maura closer. "Maur?"

She's asking for permission, and all Maura can do is nod, gasping a little as she kisses the same spot again, and the hand that rests on her chest pulls at her, trying to move her closer. "God," she breathes against Maura's neck, and her breath washes over the doctor's ear and she feels her hips move of their own volition.

Jane freezes for a moment. "Did I hurt you?"

Maura shakes her head, "No," she only breathes the word, so she's not sure that Jane hears her. But she brings the hand on her chest up to her mouth and kisses each finger, and when she gets to the pinky, Jane moans, low and vibrating in her chest.

And Maura can't help but respond too. She presses back into the brunette, who moans again and wraps her tighter, her mouth now exploring the shell of Maura's ear, the start of her jawbone.

"Jane," she breathes, when the other woman's lips graze the side of her mouth. She realizes they have shifted, that Jane is half on top of her, and both of them are breathing hard.

"You're gorgeous," Jane says, and her eyes never leave Maura's. "Are you alright? I don't mean to hold you so tightly. You just feel…you…" she pause, and Maura breathes underneath her, reaching up to run a hand over Jane's lips, Jane's eyebrows, Jane's ear. She looks down at you. "You feel…the way safety might taste," she says quietly. "Does that make sense? You feel the way it must feel to hear the colors of your favorite painting."

Her eyes flicker to Maura's lips, and a second later she has captured them with her own. "I hold onto you because I can see you in my bones," she says breaking away. She presses their foreheads together. "You make all of my senses want to be more than they are, Maura Isles. Do you understand?"

You cannot nod fast enough to get her lips back on yours.

…

…

Jane is down in the morgue with Maura when she gets the call. They are supposed to work another two hours and then pick the girls up from their grandmother's on their way home.

But Jane slips her phone out of its holster and puts it to her ear, and Maura looks up in time to see all the color drain out of her face.

"Maya?" She says and Maura honestly feels her heart stop beating. "Where?" Their eyes meet for the briefest of seconds, and then they are both running, Jane still yelling into the phone. "What do you mean? Do you have Zoe? No…NO! I'm coming. We're coming!"

The one sided conversation does nothing to ease Maura's fears, but she doesn't ask Jane to elaborate, and they don't discuss the fact there is no time to wait for the elevator, just head in sync to the stairs, Jane pushing the door so hard that it almost flies off its hinges.

.

Jane is out of the car before Maura can press the break fully. She leaps from the car and sprints towards the school, and already, Maura can make out Barry, Vince, Frankie and Angela, all standing at the bottom of the steps that lead up to the brink building.

"MA!" Jane calls as she gets nearer, and Maura sees her turn, her face streaked with tears.

"I'm so sorry," she says, but she has started to cry again, and so her words come out strangled and sewn together in odd places, like she doesn't know where the pauses of phrases are supposed to go.

"I? I was holding Zoe'shandtalking…to the teacher and Mayawasright. Here," Angela points to an empty spot on the sidewalk. "I didn't havemy backturned more than a couple of….more than a couple…"

Maura puts her hand on Jane's arm, not sure if she is comforting the brunette or stopping her from lunging at her mother.

"You…" Jane struggles for a moment. "I told you not to let them out of your sight," she says, quickly, her voice starting to rise. "I told you to be careful with them becaUSE THERE IS A PSYCHO OUT THERE WHO MIGHT BE AFTER ME!" Jane's voice rises with each syllable.

In Frankie's arms, Zoe starts to cry.

Jane turns to him, and Zoe leans out of his arms towards her, crying "Mama! Mama!"  
Jane takes her daughter from her brother's arms, and Maura wonders at how her arms can be so gentle when her face looks so frenzied.

"Mama," Zoe burrows into her mother's arms, and Jane sways unconsciously on the spot. "Okay, baby," she says absently, and her voice threatens tears. "Frost?"

"Jane," He says stepping forward, hands out. "We called back up, they're on their way. Frankie used the photo you gave him and they've got an Amber Alert already in the works…"  
"In the works?" Jane manages to focus on him. "Why isn't it out? Why isn't it already out?"

"It takes fifteen to twenty minutes to get it up, Jane…it's only been about ten since we called you. Jane looks a little startled by this information, and Maura doesn't blame her. The car ride from the precinct had seemed endless to her too.

"Jane…jane…" Angela is saying, and where her daughter's voice is getting louder, hers seems to be shrinking. "I'm so…I-"

Jane turns wild eyes on her mother, "You were supposed to fucking watch them," she hisses.

Angela cringes like she's been hit. "You were supposed to be paying attention to them. You're their _grandmother. _  
"She was talking to a man, over there, when I glanced up…and she was smiling so…I thought it was…I thought it was her-"

But Jane cuts her off, shifting her youngest child to her other hip so that she can walk right up to her mother. "You have lost, my daughter," she says. "You have gotten my daughter abducted, and if something happens to her, if _anything…_I will rip you ap-"

"Jane!" The tone in Korsak's voice makes both women turn and look at him, and Maura turns too. But Korsak is not looking at any of them , he's pointing away from the school, towards the corner where Angela says she saw Maya, and Maura has to blink several times in order to really believe what she is seeing.

It's Maya.

It's Maya, with her hair messed and her face red tearstained and red from crying, dressed in a long sleeve sweatshirt that looks many sizes too big and holding an envelope in her hand.

Oh my God.

"Oh, My God," Angela breathes.

And Jane makes a sound like a wounded wild animal, depositing Zoe in Korsak's arms and taking off towards her daughter.

But Maura's brain has switched over into the logical, something about seeing Maya walking under her own power towards the adults, has triggered something in her brain.

"Barry!" She shouts, pointing at Jane, already reaching into her purse for a pair of gloves. "Barry! She can't touch her! She's evidence! She's full of trace! Don't let her-"

But Frost has understood, and he grabs Jane around the waist as Jane lunges at her daughter.

Maya stops dead at the sight, new tears running down her cheeks

"Momma!" She wails, and Jane nearly knocks Frost off his feet.

"FROST. YOU BASTARD. LET ME-MAYA!"

"JANE!" Frost regrips she lunges towards her daughter. Maura is already pulling her gloves on, "Maya!" she calls and the light eyes turn to her. "Come here, honey. Come here."  
Jane struggles against her partner's arms, her voice hoarse and loud. "Maya!" she cries. "Frost! That's my fucking…Maya!"

Maya doesn't move, she just stands where she is, her arms outstretched to her mother.

"Mommy!" she says, and her voice rends Maura's heart.

"Frost!" Jane hits back at him, but he doesn't let go. "Let me…Let…"

"Maura needs to look at her, Jane…You need to wait. You _have_ to."

They are both breathing heavily, and Jane grunts with effort, the look on her face somewhere between ferocity and panic. "Maya, Honey! Are you hurt?"

Maura drops to her knees on the concrete, forgetting about her dress and her shoes and anything other than inspecting the child in front of her. But before she can do anything, or look at any part of her, Maya throws her arms around the doctor, holding on like her little life depends on it.

And Maura is almost undone.

She gathers Maya her into her arms, feeling tears spilling down her cheeks at the first contact.

"Maura," Maya sobs. "Maura."

"Baby," Maura says, "Honey…sweet girl, where were you? Where did you go?"

Maya points over her shoulder, towards the cluster of bushes she wandered out from. "I was there," she sniffs, trying to pull herself together. "I was there with the man. He gave me mommy's sweater. He told me bring the note," she starts to cry again. "He-he pulled my haaiirrr," she sobs, and Maura nods, pulling away, forcing herself to be clinical, her eyes searching the little figure for scratches or bruises…anything.

Her heart is hammering hard in her chest, and for a moment she wishes she'd stayed in her morgue, where the faces that she sees do not break her heart.

Behind her, she can hear Jane, still struggling against Frost, but she is no longer yelling, and her voice has dropped to just above a whisper. But the doctor can hear her, hear her deep voice almost pleading.

"Maura," she says. "Maura, my baby…Maura, please…is she okay? Maura."

Jane's voice laps over her name like the waves in an ocean, beautiful and dangerous.

Maura tries to pull herself together.

"Did he hurt you, baby?"

Maya nods and Maura feels the earth slip a little on its axis. "Can you tell me?"

Maya sniffles, "he said bring this to Mama," she says and Maura takes the note carefully from Maya, holding it up over her head to Frankie who takes it, holding its edge with a tissue from his pocket. "I wouldn't at first," Maya says, and she lifts her arm to shake the sleeve of the sweater back. Maura gasps.

Wrapped around her wrist, already turning blue with bruising, is one, large handprint.

…

…

"You can't go in."

"If one more person says those words to me, I swear to God I will murder them," Maura can hear Jane yelling as she rounds the corner the row of interrogation rooms and holding cells that flank the back of the precinct. She speeds up a little, wanting to get there and get the words out before Jane makes good on her promise.

She'd stayed behind bagging the sweater that Maya had appeared in, and the note she'd returned with. It was a plain white envelope with a plain notecard inside. In bold plain type in the center of the card was just one sentence.

_Doesn't she look just like Kate in that sweater?_

Jane had stared at it for longer than it took to read, and when Frankie had reached out to touch her, she'd pulled away from him and turned on her heel, heading towards the observation rooms.

"Jane," Frost sounds shaken, and as she draws closer, she can see he looks shaken too. "Jane, you can't question your own daughter."  
"Like hell I can't," Jane growls, "You kept me from her in the park, and you kept me from her when you got here. You have her in an interrogation room like some…like some…"

"It's hardly an interrogation room, Jane," Korsak says gently. " We had to make sure she was alright when she got here, and she's in the kiddie pool. She's surrounded by stuffed animals and toys. She's-"

"Yeah, and what are those stuffed animals used for, huh Korsak? What do kids who sit in that room, usually _say?"_

Maura comes up beside the trio, looking in at Maya who is sitting in a chair at a table that was clearly meant for someone her size. She knows that "kiddie pool" is what the officers call this particular observation room, as it is usually where they question children, aggressors and victims alike.

"Let me in to see my daughter," Jane says slowly, like maybe the two men are hard of hearing.

"Jane," Frost says. "She has to be questioned-"

"Not without me. It's the law!"

"Fine!" Frost says, "Then remove yourself from the case."

"What?" She looks outraged, but Frost swallows hard and holds his ground.

"Take yourself off the case, and I'll gladly let you in. You can stay through the interview, too. No conflict of interest."

Jane barely hesitates. "Fine," she says quickly. "Fine, I'm off the case…now let me see my-"

"Hold on," Maura says quickly, stepping forward. She puts her hands on Jane's bicep, feeling the muscle taught and ready underneath her fingers. She squeezes, and Jane relaxes an inch. "Hold on," she says again. "No one is taking themselves off anything." Jane looks around at her, eyes wide, but Maura continues, "No one is taking themselves off anything. I'll sit in with her, Jane, okay?"

Jane seems to have lost the ability of speech, and Maura squeezes her arm again. "The Psychologist is on her way, and I will sit in with Maya. I will be there the whole time."

Jane's eyes search Maura's face, asking without words, and Maura says the right words without having to weigh them. "I won't let anything hurt Maya, Jane. I'll make sure the psychologist is good to her."

And for a second it looks like Jane is going to reject this invitation.

But then she nods, and her hand comes up to hold Maura's, hard enough to be almost painful.

"Maura," she says.

The doctor nods. "I know, Jane."

…

The psychologist's name is Maxine, and she sits across from Maya in one of the child sized chairs.

The little girl looks at her warily before smiling at Maura.

"Come sit here, with me," she says a little tremulously, and Maura obeys immediately.

"Maya," Maxine says, and the little girl glances at her, before scooting closer to Maura.

"I want to talk about what happened today, is that alright with you? I want to talk about the man who came up to you after school," Maxine clasps her hands together on the tiny wood surface of the table, looking more like she's giving a business interview than working with a child. "Was he nice?"

Maya shrugs, "He offered me M&Ms," she says after a moment, "but Mama says no candy from people you don't know, except for on Halloween," she looks up at Maura, "And even then somebody's gotta check it."

The Psychologist smiles and nods, "That's right, that's very good," she says, and Maura and Maya both frown a little at the condescension in her tone.

"What else did the man say?"

"Uh," Maya wrinkles her nose, "I said no, thank you, for the candy, and he said he wondered if Zoe liked them."

Maura stiffens at this information, and she knows that outside the door to the room, on the other side of the window, Jane is going a little crazy.

"He knows Zoe?" says the psychologist, her voice a little higher than it had been.

"I dunno, I guess so," Maya says, and she leans sideways into Maura, "I want my mommy."

"I know you do, sweetheart," Maura says quietly, and when Maya turns her watery eyes on the doctor, she opens her arms without conscious thought, and Maya climbs onto her lap immediately. "We're almost done here, okay?"

Maya sniffs, "Is Mama catching bad guys?" she asks tearfully? "Is she catching the bad man right now? Is that why she's not here?"

Maura swears she can feel the intensity of Jane's stare through the one way glass of the window.

"Yes, honey," Maura says running her hands up the narrow little back. "And I promise you, she wishes she were with you right now more than anything in the entire world. And if she could, she would be the one holding you right now."

Maya's arms contract a little around the doctor's shoulders. She sniffs again, but then pulls back, looking comforted. "Well, I'm glad she sent you anyway," she says quietly. "I'm not so scared, because of it."

Oh.

Maura tries to swallow, and cannot. She cannot breathe either. She can just stare at the little girl on her lap and wonder how she ever, _ever_, got along without her.

Then Maya sighs heavily, her little shoulders rising and falling quickly. "I wish Mama had made the bad man go to jail the first time," she says sadly.

Both Maura and the Psychologist sit up straight, and Maxine leans across the table, her hawks eyes fixed completely on Maya.

"What did you say?" she asks urgently. "Your mother has already met the man who gave you that note?"

Maya looks a little frightened at the woman's change in demeanor, and she leans back against Maura, but nods slowly.

"And you've seen him before too?" Maura prompts, trying to get the little girl to speak for the tape recorder that started playing the moment they began. Maya turns her head to look at her, and she looks a little incredulous.

"Yes," she says "You saw him too."

Maura blinks, trying to make sense of this new revelation. Someone they all know? Someone who knows them? Surely it couldn't be someone they trust…someone…

"Where?" the psychologist breaks her train of thought. "Where did you see this man, Maya? Do you remember?"

Maya rolls her shoulders like her mother. "Of course I do," she says irritably, and suddenly, with a feeling like being struck by lightning, Maura knows too.

"Mama got really mad at him," the little girl continues. "She got really mad at him and she made him cough, remember Maura?" she looks at the doctor?

Maura just stares back at her.

"He was with us… at the movies."


	18. Chapter 18

_"Sad news out of Boston, Massachusetts tonight, another woman has been found dead, murdered it seems, by an avid follower of the serial killer Charles Hoyt. Twenty seven year old Maria Vega was found dead this morning in the nearby home of a family in Brookline. We go Live now to Steve Balucci in Downtown Crossing, Steve?"_

_Thank you, Rachel, yes, sad news indeed. Sarah Jordan and her husband Michael returned from a holiday party at a nearby friend's house to find Ms. Vega dead in their living room. Mr. Jordan apparently tried CPR while his wife called the police, but by the time EMT's arrived, it was too late. This latest murder mirrors the murder of Cheryl Jennings just two weeks ago, and also, more worryingly, mirrors the murder of twenty four year old Maria Vega, in downtown Chicago, one year ago today. With a pattern like this beginning to emerge, many fear that a copycat is already at work in the city. And if this is the case, Boston is in for many more sad winter nights. Rachel,"_

_"Thank you Steve. Coming up, we'll tell you what you need to know to protect yourself from attack, and also, how lauded hero Detective Jane Rizzoli might indeed hold the key to the recent murders in Boston. All that and more, right after this break."_

It snows.

Two weeks into December, the weather turns from bitterly cold to slightly warmer, and overnight the heavens open up and dump feet of snow down onto Boston, effectively silencing the town for an entire weekend. Maura switches the television off and sets her coffee down, rubbing her hand over her face. She and Jane had watched this same newscast when it aired as breaking news around one that afternoon and the doctor cannot bear to watch it again.

She stands up, looking around, and spots the detective through the screen door of the back porch, standing knee deep in the snow, watching her children playing.

She's thinking of running.

Maura can read it in every movement that the detective makes. In the way she dresses her children for school, and the way she looks at the doctor too long over her coffee. She's thinking of picking up and moving, and taking her things, the children, and Maura's new found sense of security with her.

She knows that if she addresses it head on ("please don't leave me. Please don't underestimate me") it will push Jane out faster, so she tries to communicate without words. At the store alone that morning, she'd bought Jane her usual six pack and the juice that she knows the girls drink, and then, on a whim, she'd picked up coloring books and crayons from the stationary aisle, and when she gets home, Jane watched with an unreadable face while the girls squealed over the impromptu gifts, and Maura had sat down on the couch, closer than she would normally without an invitation. "I saw the princess one, and I couldn't help myself," she'd said quietly, running her hand along the back of Jane's neck, watching as Zoe had upended a box of crayons onto the carpet.

Jane frowned a little. "She's going to get crayon on the rug," she'd murmured after a moment, and Maura felt bold enough to lean forward and kiss the shell of Jane's ear, smiling as the brunette shivered involuntarily.

"I don't care, Jane, you know that. Haven't we discovered that Mr. Clean's magic eraser gets crayon out of almost everything?"

Maura had taken care to keep her voice light. If Jane was going to act as though she does not know these children, she would push back on each sentence. She would prove that she does. She would prove that the only place this family belongs is with her.

Jane had looked around at her then, her features registering something like surprise, and Maura put her hand on the side of Jane's face, cupping her cheek. "I don't care about the carpet," she'd whispered, hoping that the detective could hear by the tone of her voice that there were a lot of other things she didn't care about as well.

Now, she grabs her coat and Jane's and slips into her boots, sliding the porch door open and stepping out next to Jane.

With the snowfall, the play structure has switched from jungle gym to snow fort, and although she can't see them, Maura can hear the girls' delighted shrieks from inside the enclosure. She smiles, handing Jane her coat.

"You're going to catch Pneumonia," Maura wants to say sweetheart. She restrains herself "put your coat on."

Jane takes the coat without taking her eyes off the mound of snow where her children are playing. "I just came out to get Zoe to go down, and I got… But she trails off, looking at nothing. Maura reaches out and touches her shoulder. "Jane?"

She shakes herself a little. "I saw the TV was on," she says blinking a little, coming back. "Did you watch it again?"

"No," Maura says. "No Jane, of course I didn't."

Jane pulls her coat on, sighing heavily. "It's time for Zoe to go down," she says again, "I came out to get them, but they sounded so funny, playing in there…I got distracted."

Yes. There is a lot of that recently. Jane seems to be focusing so hard on the case that she has little room in her brain for anything else. She wanders their house (and yes, she allows herself to call it that now) like a sleepwalker…or, Maura reworks the analogy in her mind, like a blind person. Like she understands where everything is supposed to be, but still has trouble locating it.

She looks that way now, head tilted a little to the side, listening to her children shrieking with laughter. She looks a little fierce and a little run down.

She looks like she is scared, and like she does not have the language to access that emotion.

Inside, Maura hears her phone go off, and she squeezes Jane's arm once, before heading back into the warmth of the house.

The number on her phone is one she doesn't recognize, and for a moment, she considers letting it go through to voicemail. They've had to unplug the landline, and post signs on the edge of the property warning arrest for trespassing to keep the media away from the detective. They clamor for her attention like angry children, and when they meet her on the steps of the precinct, or coming out of the gym downtown, she brushes by them without speaking, her jaw set so hard Maura thinks it must ache.

She picks up the phone. "This is Dr. Isles."

"Dr. Isles? This is Lena. Perhaps you don't remember me. We met on your-"

"Trip to the city," Maura says, surprised, "Of course I remember you. How are you? Are you all alright?"

Panic is lapping at your insides like waves on the side of a boat. Jane has been calling New York every day to check in, but not once has anyone from that house called Maura. She was not even aware they had her number.

"We're fine," Lena says, "We're all just fine. I'm calling because I called Jane a couple times today, and she didn't pick up. I was getting a little worried, and I also didn't want her to look at her phone and see all those missed calls from me."

Maura nods, "I see," she says "Thank you for calling." She is aware that she sounds stilted, and a little bit too polite for this conversation. She is about to speak again, to try and correct her tone, when Lena talks again, and Maura can hear her smiling.

"Okay…that's not the only reason I called you," she admits. "Jane gave me your number last week. Told me to call it in emergencies, but I couldn't resist," she takes a breath, "How are things in Boston?" She asks, "Oh, listen to me, that's not what I want to ask…how is Jane, Dr. Isles?"

Her voice is quiet and pleading, as though she already knows that Maura is having misgivings about betraying the detective's confidence.

"You might know better than I," Maura says, aware that she is hedging, aware that the woman on the other end of the line can tell too. "She calls you every day, doesn't she?"

Lena laughs, "You know as well as I do that that woman could talk for years, and at the end of it you would still know nothing but her name."  
And it's Maura turn to laugh. She feels out of practice. "That is quite true," she says, turning to look out the back door, where Jane is throwing snowballs at a shouting Maya. "She's…as well as can be expected I suppose. She isn't sleeping well, but that's to be expected. She's," Maura pauses wondering if what she's about to say reveals more about her or Jane. "She's withdrawn from me…a bit. Not that I blame her," she rushes on. " It must be so difficult. I can't even imagine. They ran the story again today, the national one? And the more I listen to it, the more it sounds like they are condemning her, berating her for bringing crime with her to the city."

"Of course they are," Lena sounds factual rather than bitter. "Of course they are."

"It's ridiculous," Maura says quickly. "Seven months ago she was being lauded as a hero, as the one person responsible for getting one of the most notorious serial killers off the street, and at such a horrible personal cost. People she didn't even know where sending her get well cards and sympathy cards. Boston was begging for her to come after her rehab." Maura knows she is rambling, but she can't do anything to stop it. She wonders for a moment if this is what it's like to have a sister, or a best friend, if this releasing in her chest is more than just relief at finding someone who understands her situation. "And now they want to blame her because her own personal nightmare has come back to life? What kind of justice is that?"

Lena makes a sound of agreement. "You're forgetting one thing," she says after a moment. "You're forgetting what a fickle and unruly beast the media is. What is better than a hero turned villain, especially when there isn't a name yet to put on the actual crimes? And when Jane does find the person responsible?" And Maura feels herself heartened by Lena's unfaltering belief in the brunette, "Why…what is a better story than redemption?"

They are quiet, each thinking. And then Lena asks again, "How is Jane, Dr. Isles?"

"Maura," she responds at once, "Please, just…call me Maura, and…I don't know. She's pulled away from me."

"She's trying to protect you."

"I gathered as much," Maura sighs. "I just wish I knew why. She doesn't have to protect me from this. I wish she wouldn't."

There is a pause, and Maura is just about to apologize for overstepping, when Lena speaks again.

"Do you know how Jane met Katherine?"

Maura blinks, feeling her throat go a little dry. "No. I never-"

"Kate almost drowned on a beach on Cape Cod. Jane was the life guard."

"You're kidding," Maura says.

Lena laughs. "I'm not. According to Kate it was like a movie. One moment she's getting dragged down by an undercurrent, the next moment, Jane's lips are on hers and she's in _loovee_."

Maura waits for the stab of jealousy at the idea of Jane's lips on someone else. It doesn't come.

Lena continues, "Jane went with Katherine when she came out to her family, kept her older brother from knocking her around too. Kate went with Jane to tell her family, and when she started to cry because Jane's father told her she was stealing his little girl, Jane cursed him out, and took them out of there," Lena sucks her teeth. "I guess they never looked back."

Maura doesn't know what to say to any of this. She cannot say that this look into Jane's past surprises her. She would expect nothing less from the woman she's come to know.

But Lena doesn't seem to require a response. "She thought Jane was invincible," Lena says. "And she might be, honestly. But Katherine certainly thought she was invincible and strong and unwavering…and Jane would have done anything to let Kate go on believing that."

And Maura understands. The realization nearly knocks her over. "Oh!" she says, and she hears Lena let out a breath.

"Yes," she says, and then, like they've been having a completely different conversation. "But it's your choice, Maura."

And the doctor wants to say more, but at that moment, three soaking, flushed looking figures come bursting through the back door, and her house is suddenly full of children, and shouts and melting snow.

"I have to go," Maura says, "Can I call you? Sometime?"

She knows that Lena is smiling by the formation of the words she returns.

"Anytime."

…

…

Katherine haunts the detective's dreams.

By turns seductive and unattainable, or dying and unsaveable, Jane wakes in the night soaked in sweat and tears. She rolls away from Maura in bed, swinging her feet around and onto the carpet.

"Jane?" Maura's voice sounds sleepy, just barely awake, and the brunette is glad. It means her terror was silent. It means she's getting better at hiding it. "Honey?"

Katherine called her baby. Sweetie. Lovely.

"It's okay," her voice is half convincing. "I'm okay.

In the master bath she turns on the shower and watches as the four independent spray heads hiss to life. She turns it cold, as cold as it will go, and stands underneath the downpour until she can't stop her teeth from chattering.

Frankie is calling her daily, and he alternates between trying to talk her into calling their mother back, and trying to get her to pull herself from the case.

"They're all you have left, Janie," he'd said the last time they'd spoken. She'd been hoping he would be someone she could lean on through this. She'd been disappointed to find that he thought of her as unbreakable. "Think of your kids."

And she'd opened her mouth to tell him that even if she died. Even if she had to spend six more months in rehab to put this new evil away, her children would be fine because Maura would take care of them.

Maura.

In the shower, Jane reaches out and yanks the handle of the shower faucet all the way back around, and at once, Maura's expensive plumbing obliges, nearly scalding off her skin in seconds.

Jane staggers out of the way of the spray, pressing herself back against the far corner of the shower.

She tries to take a breath and finds that she cannot, finds that she is sitting and not breathing and her hands come out and wrap around her knees and she holds on tight. She holds onto herself and she forces herself not to cry.

She does not even feel it when she falls into sleep, shower still on.

…

She is aware that someone is wrapping her up. Someone is rubbing up and down her arms, and her arms are pressed to her sides. Compressed.

"Nnn," she says, trying to drag herself from semiconsciousness.

"shh," Maura's voice comes right by her ear. "it's just me," and then, as if that sufficient. "it's just Maura, Jane, okay? You fell asleep in the shower."

Jane blinks, and then blinks again, trying to adjust to the light from the vanity mirror and the light from the hallway.

"Maura," she says quietly, and two green eyes sweep down to meet her own.

The detective expects to see fear, or worry. She expects to see anger at her weakness, or even hopelessness. She steels herself, prepared to lie. _Listen, when you have that kind of shower, a girl's going to get carried away._

But Maura looks kind. She looks…steady.

She runs her hand through Jane's hair and the brunette cannot help but make a tiny little noise.

"Can you stand?" The way Maura asks it is not condescending, and so there is no need for bravado. Jane goes to nod and then realizes that there is also no need to lie.

"Can I…" she hesitates, and regroups. "Can I just…stay here for a moment?"

Katherine, who loved her with her whole heart, who was with her in everything she did, would have left her there. Would have left her to alone with her thoughts. Katherine would have kissed the side of her head, and pulled the towel closer around her.

_You will get through this, and when you do…come back to me._

Maura nods once against her, "alright," she says quietly. She stands, and disappears around the corner, and Jane lets her head fall back against the tile of the wall, eyes closing.

But her eyes jerk open again at the feeling of something soft and fluffy against her skin. Maura has come back, is wrapping a new, larger towel around the brunette's shoulders.

She meets those green eyes again, soft and kind, never leaving hers as the doctor settles down on the ground next to her. She reaches out and tucks a strand of Jane's hair behind her ear. And then she leans her head on Jane's shoulder, linking their fingers together, and doesn't say anything more.

They stay like that for almost an hour. She can tell that Maura catnaps by the way her breathing evens out every once in a while. But the doctor's fingers stay firmly intertwined with hers, and the gentle pressure never wavers.

They are still like that when Jane's phone goes off in the bedroom. It is Frost's ring.

Jane is not sure she'd get up for anything other than the prospect of new news.

She presses the phone to her ear, watching as Maura pulls her damp tank top up over her head, unashamed.

"R-Rizzoli," she coughs into her phone.

"Hey, Jane?" Frost sounds urgent.

"What is it, Frost?" Maura turns around at her tone, and Jane has to look away from her.

"Jane," Frost says. "We've got a name."

…

…

_New developments arise in the case of the Boston serial killer who model's himself after notorious Chicago killer, Charles Hoyt. We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to take you now live to the steps of the Boston Police precinct, where Steve is standing by. Steve, are you there?"_

_"Thank you, Rachel," Yes, I'm here on the steps of the Boston Police Department, waiting for the arrival of famed Detective Jane Rizzoli. Only a mere twenty minutes ago, we got word that camera footage, in combination with credit card data from a local movie cinema revealed the name of a suspect, thought to be the man who is murdering our city's women._

_Police have since released the name and photograph of Jason Catronio, a twenty six year old, Detroit transplant, who has had contact with Detective Jane Rizzoli and both of the murdered women. Although it is unclear if Catronio is making good on a grudge, or if he is acting on direct orders from Hoyt himself, one thing is certain. Jane Rizzoli holds the key to stopping these senseless killings._

They're already there in front of the precinct when they drive up, and she is glad they took Maura's car and not her cruiser, because it means they can idle behind the mass of swarming reporters and try to think of an alternate route.

"we could swing around the back, and call Frost to let us in," Maura says this as though she already knows this act would be considered cowardice.

Jane glances at her children in the back seat, Maya engrossed in her coloring book, and Zoe still asleep.  
"You should take the kids home," she says curtly. "You guys shouldn't be subjected to this."

Maura snorts, making Jane look around at her sharply.

"We're not going to leave you," Maura says firmly. She says it without any heat in her voice, but it still makes Jane a little warm. She can feel the heat creeping up her neck.

"Maura," she begins, but the doctor shakes her head.

"No."

And Jane rolls her shoulders. If she is honest with herself, she wants Maura to come in with her. If she is honest with herself…she wants Maura with her every second of the day.

"Okay," she says, biting her lip. "wait here."

Maura looks mutinous, but Jane rushes on. "I think I can get them to disperse, if I just give them a statement."

In the dim grey of the morning light, Maua appraises the detective. Jane feels like she's under a microscope. It is not an altogether unpleasant feeling.

"Alright," Maura says slowly. "We'll wait right here."

Jane nods, and gets out of the car.

.

"But do you have anything to say?" the black haired reporter presses the microphone up towards her mouth, his eyes wide and excited and deep set in her head. "Do you have anything you want to say to the murderer? He's using these innocent women to taunt you, Detective? Don't you have anything you want to say?"

They'd descended on her like locusts, hurling questions at her with little rhyme or reason, and most of them had stung like they were biting her.

_Do you think Catronio condones the murder of your partner?_

_What do you think Katherine would think of your role in these latest murders?_

_Are you apologetic for returning here? Do you feel responsible for the arrival of Catronio in Boston?_

She makes it up a couple steps so that she is head and shoulders taller than the tallest reporter, a dark haired man who points at his cameraman assistant to zoom in on her face as he shouts.

"But do you have anything to SAY to Catronio? Detective?"

She stops, and turns to look at them. And they fall silent, their microphones leaning towards her, pushing at her, like hands.

Jane looks up, to where the doctor stands with her children. It looks as though Zoe is still sleeping, her little head is pressed into the bend of Maura's shoulder, her arms around the woman's neck tightly, eyes closed. Maya holds tight to Maura's hand with both of her own.

"You made sure Hoyt knew you would find him." The man prods, knowing he's hit a nerve. "Do you have the same message to the man who is now terrorizing Boston?"  
Jane watches a flash of anger wash over Maura's face at the question. Watches her tug her hand free of Maya's to wrap her arm around the little girl's shoulders and pull her close. Maya looks up at the doctor then, saying something that Jane cannot hear. And Maura looks down at Jane's daughter…and smiles.

"Detective?"

Jane snaps her eyes back to the reporter in front of her.

"Do you have something to say? If the serial killer is watching?"

Jane glances back up to where Maura stands with her children. Their eyes meet.

"No," she says, moving to push past the sea of cameras and microphones. She wants nothing more than to get back to them. Than to have her family in her arms.

"No, I don't."

…

…

When Jane wakes with a strangled moan from her third nightmare in as many hours, Maura does not hesitate. She rolls over quickly, before Jane can heave herself out of bed, and locks her arms around the other woman's chest.

"No," she says into Jane's ear, "stay."

"I'm f-fine," Jane stutters, trying to sound convincing. Trying to convince herself. "I just need-"

"Contact," Maura says, and her hands are already straying underneath the brunette's tank top, fingers running over the tight muscles there, fluttering with suppressed emotions. "You need contact."

Jane resists for the space of a second, her shoulders pressing up against Maura's arm, like she's trying to decide whether it's worth the effort. Maura pushes closer to Jane's side, hooking her leg over the brunettes, attaching them to each other, and she leans forward and kisses Jane's shoulder.

"Stay."

She kisses Jane's shoulder again, and then her neck, and her ear. She presses herself against the brunette and she kisses her and kisses her and Jane gasps, her hips pressing up against air, her eyes shut so tightly, Maura thinks that she must be seeing start.

"Maura," Jane says it with her eyes still closed. She says the doctor's name and it makes her want to cry.  
"Maura…please," her hand finds the small of Maura's back and pulls her closer, flush against her side, and the doctor makes a noise somewhere between a gasp and a moan.

Jane opens her eyes. They are dark and full and beautiful. They are begging her.

"Please."

_She thought Jane was invincible…She would have done anything to let Kate go on believing that._

And Maura rolls until she is on top. Until Jane is underneath her, looking up at her with wide, hazy eyes. Maura curls a finger at her. "Sit up."

Jane does, like she's in a trance, and Maura pulls her tank top off of her, letting her eyes wander all over the brunette's form. "Take mine off."

It's a command. Jane blinks, but doesn't hesitate, and once she is bare chested, she pushes Jane down, pressing their lips together, and then their torsos, and then their legs.

Maura pulls away long enough to slip her hand between them, and Jane bucks once underneath her, growling, and then lies still, breathing hard, her hands loose on Maura's waist, waiting.

Maura leans down, kissing the brunette gently, and then not so gently, before she has to move so she can whisper in her ear.

"I'm going to make you come apart," is what she says.

What they both hear is.

_Let me keep you together._

Jane's hips flex again, and she catches her breath.

The feeling is so heavenly that Maura says it again, tracing her lips down the angular jaw bone that she's come to adore.

"I'm going to make you come apart," she says again. "Do you trust me?"

Jane's fingers contract around her waist as Maura slips two fingers inside of her. She groans and then whimpers, and Maura takes her other hand, and places on the brunette's chest, fingers splayed. Three more inches and she could press against Jane's trachea. Jane's eyes flutter, and Maura curls her fingers, leaning forward again.

"Do you trust me, Jane?"

Dark eyes open, and lock onto green. For a moment they are frozen. Nothing moves.

The Jane nods, and Maura pushes forward with her hips, bending to swallow the brunette's moan.

"Okay then," she breathes, feeling the stomach muscles underneath her start to tighten. She grins against Jane's neck, feeling hands on her shoulders, holding her in place. "okay then," she whispers.

"come."


	19. Chapter 19

Zoe catches a cold.

She gets sick the way toddlers do: immediately. Maura and Jane put her to bed well and when the detective comes to get her the next morning, she is hot and fussy and clings to her mother like a sticky little sloth. Maura looks up when Jane arrives in the kitchen, and her eyes sweep over the grumpy looking brunette and the flushed looking little girl.

"Uh oh," she says, and Maya looks around from her spot at the table, where she is popping Chex cereal into her mouth.

"Yeah," Jane says wearily. She tries to set Zoe down at the counter, but is met with a wail of protest as her youngest redoubles her grip.

"No, Mama," she cries, "No down."

Jane sighs and sinks into the chair herself, throwing Maura a dark look. "I was hoping we'd get through the winter without a cold," she says. "A fool's dream."

The doctor smiles sympathetically, reaching out automatically to push Maya's cereal bowl back on the table.

"Well," Maura comes over to feel Zoe's forehead, "I can watch her while you go to the precinct."

Jane looks up at her, dubious. "I don't know, Maura. She gets pretty clingy when she's sick."

Jane blows a kiss at Maya as the little girl brings her cereal bowl to the sink.

"I can handle clingy, Jane," Maura says reasonably. "And it doesn't make sense for you to call someone else, if I can just stay home…unless you'd rather call your moth-"

"No!" Jane says quickly, scowling. Her tense shoulders and rough tone make Zoe whine, and Jane starts to sway, trying to calm her.

"Okay," Jane says, still looking doubtful. "I'll drop Maya off at school and then I'll head to the precinct."

Maura smiles. "I know, Jane," she responds gently. "That's what we do every morning. The only difference is that this time I will stay here with Zoe." As she says this, she leans forward and lifts the toddler from her mother's arms.

Zoe wails once, and then settles herself on Maura's shoulder, rubbing her eyes. Maura frowns. "She's got a high fever," she says and even though she doesn't have to, she presses her lips against the temple closest to her mouth. "one hundred and one…..six, probably," Maura mutters, And Jane shakes her head standing up and heading for the closet where Maya's winter coat and mittens are.

"What are you, the fever whisperer? Smalls! Time to go!"

Maya appears around the corner, and Jane holds her coat out to her. "Come on, My, we don't want to be late."

Maya glances at Maura and Zoe, before stepping up and letting her mother feed her arms into her coat. "What about Zo?" she asks.

Maura shifts Zoe to the other hip, watching as Jane helps Maya into her jacket, mittens, little woolen cap.

"She's sick," she says to the little girl. "I'm going to stay home with her and see if I can make her feel better."

Underneath her hat, Maya sticks her lower lip out. "Mama, I do not feel good either. I probably should stay home too, with my doctor."

Maura cannot help flushing with pleasure, especially when Jane looks down at her daughter and grins, seemingly unbothered by this newest endearment.

"Oh yeah?" Maya nods, and Jane considers her. "Well, I think you've got enough medicine for two, don't you Dr. Isles?"

Jane shoots Maura a look over the top of Maya's head and Maura nods, trying to look serious.

"Oh, yes…but Maya will never take it, Jane! It tastes much too horrible."

Wide light eyes peer up at the doctor underneath the bright blue hat. "Horrible?"

Maura makes a face, "Horrible," she repeats, reasoning with herself that it is not a lie, if what she remembers of children's tylenol from her own youth, is a bitter aftertaste.

Maya holds her hand out for her other mitten. "Come on, Mama," she says, as though it is Jane that wanted to stay. "We're gonna be late."

Jane chuckles, and bends down to fit the little mitten onto her daughter's hand. Then she straightens and moves to Maura, leaning around her to kiss Zoe's hot little forehead. "Be good for Maura, little b," she says quietly, and then to Maura, "There is children's tylenol in the downstairs bathroom. And a thermometer, I think."

Maura nods. "We'll be fine," she says. And to her surprise, Jane leans in, and kisses her.

She grins at Maura's stunned face before turning to herd her eldest out the door. "I have my cell," she says, and Maura blinks, trying to come back to earth. She shifts so that Zoe is facing her mother, head still resting on the doctor's shoulder.

"We'll. Be. Fine." She says again.

Jane smiles at her, pulling the door behind her, "You say that now," she calls. "Bye, Maura."

Maura waits until the door is shut, and she's sure that Jane and Maya are at least to the car before responding.

"Good-bye, Jane. I love you."

…

…

Jane is right. Caring for a cranky, ill three year old is much more trying than Maura has anticipated, and the doctor finds herself in over her head almost immediately.

She does all the things she knows she is supposed to. She takes the child's temperature (101.6…just like she'd predicted), and administers the correct amount of children's tylenol. She picks calm, low key games that they can play, still educational of course, and tries to interest Zoe in them.

But it is no use. Zoe cries and does not want to color, or count, build with her blocks or even watch Little Einsteins. When Maura puts her down, she reaches her tiny hands into the air, scrunches her face up and wails and wails, until the doctor settles her back on her hip, murmuring nonsense.

Her temperature drops to 100.2 and then holds steady, and having Zoe pressed up against her is like holding a heating pad to her chest.

She feels out of her depth, which makes her angry. She is a doctor. She went to medical school, and she did a rotation on a pediatric floor and she excelled at that just as much as she did everywhere else. She should be able to handle one little girl with the common Influenza virus.

She looks down at the dark mess of curls in her lap. They have collapsed on the couch in front of the TV and for the moment, Zoe is calm. She has her head on Maura's thigh, and her thumb in her mouth, eyes fixed glazedly on the television, where a cartoon cat is telling a mouse about his plan to sail across the ocean in a boat. Zoe blinks at the TV screen, and two tears slip out of the sides of her eyes and roll down her cheeks. Maura can't breathe.

Yes, those children on the pediatrics ward may have been sicker, may have been in more danger of death and disease…but they weren't this child.

They weren't Jane's.

Maura slips her hand underneath Zoe's shoulders, lifting her up and spinning her around so that they are face to face.

Zoe's bottom lip quivers a little, and Maura has to keep her own from shaking. "Honey," she says softly, and Zoe bursts into tears, throwing her arms around Maura's neck.

"What can I do to make you feel better?" She is aware that she is genuinely asking this question of a three year old, but there is nothing she can do to stop herself. Zoe's tears are like the physical manifestation of all her shortcomings. They are her insecurity.

"What can we do, baby?" She asks again. "To make you feel better?"

"Wok," Zoe says, leaning back in Maura's arms and looking at her with watery eyes. "Wok."

Maura stares back at her, trying to make the word make sense. "Wok?"

Zoe nods, and begins to wiggle down from Maura's lap. She heads off through the house, and Maura follows her, bending to help her as they climb the stairs. Zoe leads the doctor down the hall to her bedroom, stopping at the door to point into the corner.

"Wok," she says, looking from Maura, to the chair. "Wok."

"Oh!" Maura says, taking in the old rocking chair, understanding finally dawning. "You want me to rock you."

Zoe nods and reaches her arms out again, and Maura lifts her to cross the room and settle into the chair. It's an antique, taken from her mother's house when she moved out, and the only thing the doctor possesses that once belonged solely to her father. She sits down slowly, worried for a moment that the chair won't hold her - she can hardly remember when the last time she sat in it was - but when it does, she leans back easily, and Zoe settles right in under her chin, thumb going back to her mouth.

"Mo," she says tiredly.

Maura rubs the base of her skull. "Shh," she says. "I'm right here."

Zoe makes a noise like a newborn kitten, turning her face into Maura's chest, her free hand coming to wrap in the folds of her sweater. "Soft," she murmurs, squirming a little. "Mo-mo. Ma-mo…mommy. Soft…mam."

Maura does her best to stay still, even though the eruption in her chest is threatening to overwhelm her.

"I love you, Mam." She just on the brink of sleep. Maura looks down at the toddler, trying to convince herself that's not what was said. That even if Zoe did just utter those words, they surely weren't meant for her…surely.

But Zoe tilts her head, and cracks an eye open, her eyebrows coming together to suggest that she is about to get cranky if she does not receive an answer. "Love, Mam," she says again, and her hand in Maura's sweater tugs down ever so slightly.

Maura clears her throat, trying to speak around the lump. She has never wished for anything as hard as she wishes that this little girl was her child too.

"I…I love you too, little bug."

…

…

It's Frost's call that wakes her, buzzing against her thigh in her pocket. Maura jerks awake, feeling her neck crack from having it at such an awkward angle. For a moment, she sits there, feeling Zoe in her arms, still asleep, and then she shifts slightly, reaching into her pocket to grab her phone.

"This is Dr. Isles," She whispers.

"Maura?" Frost's voice is quiet too. "Why are you whispering?"

"Zoe's asleep," she whispers back. "What is it Frost?"

Frost sucks in a breath and then simply comes out with it. "Jane's going to see Hoyt."

Maura goes cold all over. "What? When?"

"Now," Frost replies. "Right now…I know she'd never ask you to come herself…but I thought I would-"

"I'm coming," Maura says. "I'm coming just let me…" she looks down at the sleeping child in her lap. "Let me…call Angela…and Frankie. And I'll be there, okay?"

She can hear Frost smiling through the phone.

"Okay."

…

"I knew you would come." Charles leans forward across the table towards Jane, and although the brunette doesn't lean back, Maura watches her eyes flicker once to the restraints around his hands.

Charles Hoyt catches this too. He smiles at her, but the gesture is not friendly. "Still scared of me, I see."

Jane lowers her chin, and Maura wills her not to take the bait.

"I am not afraid of you," she says, and the timber of her voice nearly convinces the doctor that this is the truth.

Charles' grin only gets bigger. "Of course you are, Jane…although, I will grant that you are handling your fear in a much more productive way this time."

Maura glances at Barry Frost standing next to her and staring through the one way glass, his hand reflexively on his firearm.

"Tell me," Charles leans back against his chair, "Which was more surprising to hear about? The fact that I had been moved upstate? Or the fact that there was another Cheryl Jennings out there that you could not keep safe."

He over enunciates each word, wielding them like a weapon, and it is with great difficulty that Jane does not flinch. Charles nods. "Very good, Detective," He hisses. "You've gotten much, much better. It will take more than just taunting to bring the beast out this time."

Maura turns from the window, unable to watch the scene any longer. "Barry," she says quietly, "what is he talking about?"

Frost sighs and pulls his gaze away from the window as well. He looks at the doctor for a moment, and then rubs the back of his neck. "Jane's a great cop," he begins, and Maura nods, her eyebrows raised. "But she runs on emotion, Doctor, you must know that." He glances back into the room, "When Hoyt was at large, and Jane was so close she could taste it…she went on the news…and she provoked him." Frost sighs. "She told him she would find him and put him behind bars so that he could never hurt another family again."

Maura shuts her eyes briefly, and when she opens them she looks back through the window, Charles Hoyt is leaning forward even more, and Jane looks smaller somehow, like she has lost something.

"Pride," Hoyt is saying now, "has always been your downfall, Jane. You know…if you hadn't gone on that news show in Chicago, I might never have even known your name. I certainly wouldn't have known Katherine's."

Maura watches Jane's hands clench under the table, where Charles can't see.

"You keep your mouth off of Katherine," she says roughly.

Charles chuckles, like he and Jane are poking fun at each other. "That's an interesting choice of words, detective, because, if you'll recall, I have actually hadmy mouth on Katherine."

Jane stiffens. Maura feels bile rising in the back of her throat.

"And even though," Charles continues, "I won't get to put my mouth on your new…companion out there," He flicks a careless hand towards the one way mirror.

"I am certain that my colleague will be dying to tell me exactly what the doctor tastes like."

Jane is standing. She comes around the tiny little table and has pushed Charles Hoyt and back in his chair so forcefully that the front legs lift up off the ground.

"Listen to me, you disgusting sack of shit," she growls. "If your fucking lackey lays one hand on that woman's head, I will personally see to it that you and he are dissected into tiny, bite sized pieces, and fed to every carnivore available that the zoo." She releases her hold on him and then slams him back against the wall again.

Maura sees him start to smile.

"No one will miss you," Jane continues. "No one."

"Frost!" Maura says, but Barry is already signalling at the guard to press the button.

"There it is!" Hoyt cries, his eyes springing open, and although he has made no move to grab her, Jane lets him go, staggering backwards. "There's that beautiful Rizzoli fight! I thought perhaps, with the acquisition of your doctor you had lost it! But, ahh, Jane…you do not ever disappoint me, though…pity…you didn't understand my wordplay. Ah well…soon enough."

Jane doesn't answer. She has tipped her hand. Maura knows it, and when she looks at Jane, still breathing hard as the guards that brought Hoyt in rush forward to shackle him for transport, she knows the detective has realized it as well. She has shown that her weaknesses are still the same. Hoyt can get to her through other people.

She watches the guards lift Hoyt to his feet and lead him to the door. He keeps his eyes on her as long as he can, even when he has to crane his neck back over his shoulder.  
"I'll see you soon, Janie," he calls.

And then he is gone.

As soon as he is out of sight, Maura hurries around to the door and pushes it open, moving to Jane, and putting a hand on her shoulder.

For a moment, the brunette doesn't move, doesn't acknowledge her presence.

"Jane?" Maura moves her hand, thinking that maybe contact is the last thing she needs…so soon after Hoyt.

But Jane looks around at her, eyes out of focus…panicky. "I'll be out by this evening," she says.

Maura frowns, "Wha-"

"I'll grab the kids and we'll get some stuff and we'll be gone by tonight. Okay?" She turns and heads to the exit without giving Maura a chance to answer, and for a moment the doctor just stands there, shell shocked, trying to catch up and then-

"No!" Maura says, and she turns to follow, reaching out to take Jane's hand, panic ripping through her like an earthquake. "No! You're not going anywhere. You can't go anywhere! Not without me." The words come out of her mouth before she hears them properly, and when Jane looks back around at her, she looks startled.

"Maura," Jane says the name as though she's never fully considered it's weight before, what it might mean. "Were you not listening to the same interview that I was? Did you not hear him threaten you? Directly?"

But Maura only redoubles her grip on Jane's hand. "I don't care."

Jane scoffs, "I sure as hell do." She pulls her arm free, and turns to leave. "I'll just grab some of our stuff and-"

But Maura follows after her, reaching out to grab her again, and this time, when Jane turns, Maura steps right up to her, hooking her other hand around the back of the detective's neck.

"No," She says forcefully. She drops her voice so that only Jane can hear, even though Frost is a couple feet away pretending to be engrossed in a vending machine. "Jane, look at me. Look at me."

Defiant brown eyes jump up to meet the doctor's.

"You're not leaving me," Maura says firmly. "Not because you think it will keep me safe, not because you think you don't deserve me, not for any of the stupid gallant reasons that are forming in your head right now." She pauses, and Jane's eyes dart away from her.

Maura can see Jane's heartbeat in her neck. She resists the urge to lean forward and kiss it. "Jane," she says, and for all the intensity of her tone, she could be yelling to the other woman across a football field. "I'm Maura."

She states it boldly, plainly, and what she really means is, 'I'm not Katherine.'

Jane's head snaps up, surprised.

"Come home with me," Maura says. "Come home with me. Protect me." Not her.

The end of her sentence hangs unsaid in the air, and for a split second, it looks like Jane is going to refuse, that she is going to run, and hope that in doing so she gives the doctor a chance.

But then she nods.

She nods, and she wraps her arm around the doctor's waist, pulling her tight against her side.

"Alright," she says brusquely. "Alright. Let's go."

…

…

"Can I ask you something?" The doctor is pressed flush against the detective's side, arm flung over her stomach. Jane opens her eyes and looks at the ceiling. They'd come home and relieved Angela and Frankie of their babysitting duty, and the night had passed in the kind of peaceful domestic bliss that she'd only ever dreamed about. It was easy, with Maya laughing at something Jane was doing, and Zoe running naked through the upstairs hallway, trying to avoid a bath, to pretend that nothing sinister existed in the world. It was perfect, when the kids fell asleep on the couch and Jane linked her hand with Maura's on the cushions above their little heads, and Maura could almost make herself believe that it had always been this way, and that nothing could ever disturb it.

"You can certainly ask," Jane responds, and Maura shifts against her. "I make no promise to answer." Maura waits a beat, trying to find the right words, but Jane sighs deeply, and her hand runs up along the doctor's spine.

"Ask," she says quietly. "Just ask, Maura."

Maura pauses one split second longer.

"Do you compare me?" Her voice is tremulous. "To Katherine, I mean…do you compare me to her?"

Jane doesn't answer right away, and Maura holds her breath, praying that she hasn't said something wrong. For a second, she wonders if what Jane is about to say to her will be a lie. She wonders how she will be able to tell, in the dark. She wonders if she would try to figure it out, if the answer is something she wants to hear.

"Yes," Jane says finally. "Yeah, I do…but not in the way you're thinking." She rolls over on her side so that they are face to face. "I don't keep like, a tally or anything, of all the things that you do differently." Maura traces the shell of Jane's ear with her fingertips, relieved that this seems to be the truth, and relieved that it does not hurt her.

"It would be totally normal," she says, although she is sure that her voice betrays her real feelings, "if you did keep a tally, even just a mental one."

In the darkness, she can just make out the corner of Jane's mouth as it turns up in a smile. The brunette pushes closer, rumbling contentedly. "Well," she says after a second. "I'd run out of room in my brain, if I had to keep all the ways you are different in there."

Maura tenses, but Jane doesn't stop talking. Its like a dam inside of her has broken, and words that Maura had felt lingering on the periphery are now simply falling out of her mouth with ease. Hoyt had scared her, yes, but he had unblocked her as well. "It's not a bad thing," she continues. "It's just a thing."

Maura pulls away from her chest to look up into her face, trying to find more of an explanation in Jane's expression.

"I…don't think I understand," she says after a moment. She speaks tentatively, like she's trying to coax an animal out of hiding. "Can you….tell me more?"

Jane bites her lip, trying to think. Maura wants to kiss her.

"Kate wouldn't have come with me to see Hoyt today," she says after a moment. "He scared the crap out of her…not that I blame her. And she would have made it up to me in a different way. Comforted me some other way." Maura has to physically restrain herself from asking about the other ways, and Jane wraps her even tighter.

Maura takes a deep breath, and Jane smells like bath soap and tide, clean and safe and homey. "I worry," Maura murmurs this confession against Jane's chest, afraid that if she looks up when she says the words, that will make them horrible instead of just true. "I worry I'm not right for you, that we don't fit…" She stops here, nervous, and Jane kisses the top of her head and nods, silent encouragement.

"I worry I am second. I worry I am not as good. Not for you. And not for your girls. I read that this feeling is natural. But reading about it and feeling it are two different things." She says all of this into Jane's clavicle, her voice dropping with each word, shamed.

Jane pulls Maura a little closer, and the doctor feels her stop and then start again, trying to find the right words. "It's not better or worse," she whispers, "It's just…different. I became a different person when I let Kate down."

Maura shakes her head emphatically against the pillow, her eyes wide enough to be visible. "You did not let her down," she whispers fiercely. "You did. Not."

Jane shrugs but amends her statement. "When Kate died," she swallows, "I became someone new. Kate…wouldn't fit me now," she pauses, like she's waiting for the full weight of that statement to hit her, and when it does not seem to, she looks at Maura, eyes wide. "And you," she says after a moment, "you wouldn't have fit me then. You might not have even liked me."

Maura smiles and presses a kiss to Jane's throat. "I'm sure that's not true."

"I was…proud." Jane says quietly, and for a moment tears burn at the back of her eyes. "I was too proud."

Maura props herself up on her elbow and looks down at Jane. "And now?" she asks.

Jane takes a deep breath, shutting her eyes. "Now I am scared," she says, and she has to push the words out like stubborn children. "I have never been more terrified in my life."

Maura doesn't know if she's talking about Charles Hoyt, getting close to her, or her entire move to Boston. She doesn't know if it is possible to really separate one fear from the other at this point. Maura pushes down beside her, watching as Jane squeezes her eyes shut harder, bracing herself.

But Maura presses her lips to Jane's once, quickly, and then again.

"I know," she whispers. One more kiss.

"I'm here."

Jane is going to wrap this woman up in her arms and kiss her, hard, to show her just how much this response means to her, but at that moment, the bedroom door pushes open a crack, creaking a little on it's hinges.

"Mam?"

It's Zoe, sleepy eyed and wild haired, standing in the doorway clutching her rabbit by the ear. "Mam," she calls again, and Jane goes to heave herself out of bed.

"Here honey," she says, moving to pick the toddler up. But Zoe side steps her mother, hurrying to the bed and climbing up into it like it's something she does every night.

"Mam," she says firmly. "Ma mo. Mo…Mam. Bad dream."

And Maura doesn't look at Jane for permission, just opens her arms like it's the most natural thing in the world. Like this little girl, Jane's daughter hasn't just called her that name.

"Did you have a bad dream, darling?" Maura says softly. "What was it about?" She touches her wrist to Zoe's head, and then bends to replace it with her lips. "Your temperature is down," she continues. "That's good."

"Monstah," Zoe says, pressing against Maura, "came to get Zo."

"No," Maura says, her voice both reassuring and immeasurably soft. "No one's coming to get Zo. No monsters."

"Sleep here," Zoe murmurs, her eyes already starting to droop. She turns her head and looks to where Jane is still standing by the door. "Ma," she says reaching a little hand out. "Sleep here, in you bed." She turns back to Maura, and the doctor understands why some wild cats will eat their cubs out of a misguided instinct to protect.

"Sleep in Mam's bed," the toddler says sleepily. "Here. Tonight."

There is movement by the door, and Maura looks up to see Jane padding back across the room. She slides her long body into bed, and Maura, Zoe tucked into her front, lets the brunette pull her closer until her back is flush against Jane.

Jane strokes Zoe's hair over Maura's shoulder, pressing gentle kisses to the bone there, one after the other, the rhythm pushing Maura towards sleep.

"Yes, baby," she says softly, and it is more for Maura's benefit than Zoe's, because the little girl is already breathing deeply.

"You can sleep in our bed."


	20. Chapter 20

Four days after Christmas, they arrive at her front door, both of them looking grim and pale, even Korsak under is bright red pom pom hat.

"Come in," Jane says, standing to the side. "There's no need to freeze to death while you give me the news that's going to ruin my life."

She doesn't know what they are going to say, only that it is bad. Frost won't look her in the eye, and Korsak won't look anywhere but her face, like he's trying to read her for an opening.

Maura comes to meet them as they walk through to the living room, and her face slips from pleasant surprise to concern when she takes in their expressions.

"Jane?"

The detective shakes her head, "I don't know yet. I invited them in to deliver the horrible news in the warmth, where are the kids?"

"In their room playing with that train," Maura says fondly. "I finally convinced Maya to let Zoe use the caboose as the engine. She loves that little car so much."

Jane pulls a scandalized face that makes Maura grin. "But doctor," she says, "the caboose leading the train? How inaccurate! Aren't there studies that show how warped she could become from such a belief?"

Maura does not at first understand the sarcasm. "Actually, imaginative play is the cornerstone of…" She looks up to see Jane smirking, and swats at her. "Oh…Jane."

Both women turn, grinning, to the men, only to see that their conversation has made both of them look even more grave than when they arrived.

"Jesus," Jane says, moving forward. "Spit it out, one of you…did someone die?" Her face goes pale. "Is it the brownstone? Are-"

"They're fine, Jane." Frost says quickly, and Jane sighs in relief.

"Well then tell me, one of you. You both look like it's the end of the world."

Frost takes a deep breath. "It's Hoyt," he says like he'd rather say anything else. "They're moving him to Worcester."

.

For a moment, Jane thinks she's heard wrong. But by the way that the color drains from Maura's face, she realizes that she has indeed heard him correctly.

"But thats…fifty miles from here," she says stupidly.

"Forty six point three," Maura says hoarsely. She looks like she's going to be sick.

Jane swallows, trying to keep her own stomach calm. "There's nowhere else to move him?"

Korsak sighs. He looks truly apologetic. "If we want him in solitary, he's got to go to Worcester."

Maura grips Jane's arm tightly, her expression much closer to fury than to fear.

"Why can't he go back to Chicago?" Frost asks from the corner.

Korsak shakes his head, but it is Maura that answers. "The prisons in Chicago are already above capacity," she says quietly. "I assume that's why he was able to successfully request to transfer out," she pauses, and Jane can feel the doctor's eyes on the side of her face. She works hard to keep from looking back. Maura waits a beat, and then continues, "and I doubt that Illinois wants Charles back now, anyway. Especially not now, after the…" She trails off, her fingers around Jane's bicep tightening again.

"Murders," Jane supplies, and even to her own ears her voice sounds harsh. She pulls her arm out of Maura's grasp and takes a couple steps towards the back door. No one follows her.

It is both terrifying and comforting to have the doctor here, to hear Hoyt's name out of her mouth. The detective rolls her shoulders, trying to reconcile her desire to collapse into the doctor's arms with her second desire, which is to have Maura removed from the room.

Unable to pick one over the other, Jane lashes out, already hating herself. "Murders," she repeats, "after the two women he's killed. You can talk about it around me, Maura, I won't break."

She feels like she might. And from the look on her face, Jane can tell that Maura understands that.

"Jane," Maura begins, but her voice is too soft and too sweet, and so Jane turns away, unable to look at any of them any longer.

She feels hot all over. Angry. She is angry that Frost and Korsak are looking at her like that, like she's been fatally wounded, like this time she won't recover. She's angry that Maura is still there. That Maura is listening to all of this, adding to the conversation. She is angry that Maura isn't running. She is relieved, and scared and furious and….

"God Damnit!" Jane slams her hand down on the side table. Out of the corner of her eye she sees Maura jump.

"Hey," Frost says, taking a step forward. "Jane… Hoyt's locked up. It's just Catronio. Hoyt would never have been able to pull off…the things he pulled off without an apprentice."

But all at once, she is angry again. She's not quite sure where it comes from. "Pull off?" she hisses. Frost looks instantly apologetic.

"I didn't mean-"

"The things he pulled off? Things like murdering my wife?" Jane can't help but look at Maura when she says that. The doctor is looking back at her, and when she meets her gaze, her eyes widen in understanding. Jane looks away again quickly. It is not a chance she's willing to take again. No matter what Maura is to her.

She runs her hand through her hair. How did they get here? Four days ago, everything was bliss, everything was going to work out. Everyone was happy.

And now?

Jane closes her eyes for a moment, trying to bring back the feeling that Christmas had given her. The sense that she really, truly, did not have to choose between her past and her present.

…..

_It is how Christmas finds them that really surprises Jane. It sneaks up on the detective, who has focused all of her energy on finding and eliminating any threat to her new life. So when Maura rolled over one night and whispered to her about presents, it caught Jane off guard, and she'd had to ask the doctor to repeat the question._

_"__What?"_

_"__Can…can I buy the girls presents? For Christmas?" Maura's voice was halting and timid in the darkness, like she expected Jane to yell at her. Instead, Jane had simply stared into the black in surprise.  
"Jane?" Maura sounded like she might be getting ready to cry. "I understand if-"_

_"__Of course you can," Jane cut her off, finally finding her voice. She'd reached out and pulled the smaller woman close to her, burying her face in Maura's neck, smiling when she'd felt hands slip around her waist. "Maura…of course you can. Zoe calls you Mam."_

_And Maura had cried. Quietly and quickly, out of relief and happiness, and Jane couldn't tell what else._

_"__I love them so much," she'd murmured into Jane's shoulder. "I love you all, so much, and…and we are going to have Christmas together. We are going to…I'm going to get them," and suddenly she was laughing, really laughing and pressing kisses all over Jane's throat and jaw and ear. And it had occurred to the detective that maybe this was going to be a kind of first Christmas for Maura too._

_And so she is surprised at where the 25th finds them, around the giant Christmas tree in the living room, the floor strewn with paper and bows and new shirts and shoes and toys._

_Maura, in Jane's arms on the couch, watching the girls set to work on constructing the train set she picked out last weekend._

_Zoe looking up, the caboose in her pudgy little hand. "Mam! Look! Woo woo!"_

_And Maya's head snapping up to look at her sister, and then swivel to take in her mother and Maura on the couch._

_She smiles and she holds up the engine. "Yeah," she says grinning. "Look Mam. Chugga chugga chugga!"_

_Jane rubs Maura's back, afraid if she stops, that the doctor will stop breathing too._

_Later, they put the girls down, Zoe still clutching the Caboose, and Maura makes Jane stop outside of the bedroom._

_"__I have one more present for you," she says nervously._

_Jane frowns. "Maur," she begins. The doctor has already gotten her a new leather jacket, three pairs of boots, and several tops that Jane had eyed on their last trip to the mall. "You don't have to do anything else for me. This has been-"_

_But Maura silences the brunette with her lips. "Do you know what today meant to me?" she asks quietly. "Do you honestly know what this meant to me? Sharing this with you?"_

_Jane opens her mouth to say yes, and then realizes that's not the truth._

_"__No," she says quietly. "But I'm glad that I could."_

_Maura nods, eyes shining. "I have one more gift for you," she repeats, and puts her hand on the door handle. "I want this to be our room," she says quietly._

_Jane frowns, "It is, Maur…I'm not going to move back down-"_

_But Maura shakes her head, and pushes the door open._

_Jane does not immediately see the difference in the room when she walks in, but then she turns to the dresser, and her heart stops._

_There, over her bureau is a beautiful silver frame. Inside it, collaged enough to fit them all, but still far enough apart so that she can see the majority of each one…_

_"__These are Kate's photos," Jane breathes, moving closer to finger the edge of the frame._

_Maura nods, "I pulled your favorites off of the wall downstairs. I hope you don't mind."_

_Jane looks from the space needle, to the brownstone, to the picture of her children, just toddlers. "How…did you know what my…" She can't finish the sentence. Her throat is too tight._

_"__The eye lingers and dilates when it's looking at something pleasing. When we would sleep downstairs, I noticed the ones you looked at more."_

_Jane shakes her head. What she wants to do is wrap Maura up in her arms. What she might do is explode._

_"__She was here, today. When Maya was laughing," Maura says quietly. "I saw her."  
Jane shakes her head again. Yes, she might explode._

_"__I meant what I said, Jane," Maura continues. "You don't have to choose."_

_And when she's sure her heart isn't going to beat out of her chest, she turns and lifts the doctor into her arms, grinning at the way she giggles and melts into her, taking Jane's ear gently between her teeth._

_"__Merry Christmas Maura. I love you."_

_"__Merry Christmas, pretty girl."_

…

They nearly fall into bed. It's the first time in a while that Zoe has gone down in her own bed, not

attached to Maura's hip, and so Jane takes full advantage, pushing Maura back onto the bed and crawling up the length of her, stopping to plant kisses on her hip bone, her collarbone, and finally, her lips.

The last twenty four hours have been full of panic and stress and anger, and all Jane wants to do is forget. All she wants to do is lose herself in the woman next to her.

Maura lets herself be pulled out of her top, and then after a while, she lifts her hips to allow Jane to pull her out of her sweats. When they kiss, Maura winds her fingers lazily through Jane's hair, tugging gently each time Jane tries to pull away.

The detective is a little awed and a little intimidated by the way Maura seems to shift her desire to fit Jane's mood. She had been dominant and compassionate when Jane felt like she'd fall apart, and now, she is easy and acquiescent, letting Jane set the pace because she knows that's what she needs.

"Jane," she breathes, when the brunette slips her fingers between her legs. She nods when the brunette hesitates. "Yes," she says, a little breathless. "Yes…if you want to." Her hands tighten on Jane's shoulder blades.

"I love you," Jane says, her hips pushing forward a little. "You're…Maura, you're amazing."

Maura grins and arches her back, "I love you too," she says. "God…Jane. I need you."

She can't.

She kisses Maura, and then kisses her again, and each time she bends and closes her eyes, the image of Maura from her dreams, lifeless and bloodstained swims in front of her eyes, and she has trouble catching her breath.

"Jane," Maura's voice changes, rises, and Jane shakes her head.

"No…wait…I can-"

But Maura pushes her up, so that she can look into her face. "Jane," she says again, and Jane shuts her eyes. Two tears land on Maura's chest, and the doctor gasps.

"Honey!" she says. "I'm so-"

"NO!" Jane says. "It's not you….God…it's not you. It's…I just. I have this dream," she says quietly. "I-it's been for a while now."

Underneath her, Maura stills. Her hand comes up to cup Jane's cheek, but she doesn't say anything, just waits.

"It's like this…you and I are," she blushes, and Maura pulls her lip between her teeth, trying to hide a smile. Jane flexes, partly to marshal her thoughts, and mostly because she wants to watch Maura's eyelids flutter.

She is not disappointed. Maura sighs, and shifts, and her eyes flutter closed and stay that way, a little smile playing on her lips. Jane looks down at her, wanting to have her, to take her immediately, but unable to make herself move.

Maura opens her eyes and looks up at Jane, and her expression becomes serious. "Tell me," she says. "Don't be afraid."

Don't be afraid. Lately, Jane is nothing but fear. The murders of Cheryl Jennings and Maria Vega lined up perfectly with their counterparts in Chicago, and Jane can't help but worry about what Charles Hoyt has planned next. It was two days before New Years that Charles abducted Natasha Lane, Serena Mason and Megan McKinnon from their houses, a year ago tomorrow, and as the hours slip by, Jane has become less successful at shutting down the dread that's rising in her stomach. Hoyt is being transferred tomorrow, on the anniversary of his greatest achievement. Is it another sign? Is the apprentice skilled enough to abduct and kill three new women? They don't have nearly as much on Jason Catronio as they did on Charles Hoyt, and Jane knows that if he pulls off a triple abduction she'd never get there in time. And after that abduction. Three weeks to the day after she'd managed to save those women…Hoyt had come to her house. She looks down at the woman underneath her with glassy unseeing eyes. It could happen all over again. The woman she loves could be taken from her. It could happen.

All over again.

Jane shivers involuntarily at the idea that she could fail another partner as completely as she failed Kate. It is this similarity that stops her now. Regardless of all the other ways that the two women are different, they are bound to each other through Jane. It is Jane's love that makes them the same. It is Jane's love that will destroy them.

"Hey," Maura has to call twice to get Jane to get Jane to shake herself. "Hey, beautiful," she says quietly, smiling when Jane finally focuses on her. "Where did you go?"

The detective bends to press her lips to Maura's. "Why aren't you running?" she breathes, as she pulls away. "Why aren't you running from me?"

It's Maura's turn to sigh. She runs her hands up Jane's sides idly, thinking. When she looks back into the dark eyes above her, it is with the expression of someone sure of herself. Set in her ways.

"Because I love you," she says simply.

Even though the answer irritates her, Jane can't help the pleasure that settles in her stomach. "That's not an answer, Maura," she growls.  
Maura tilts her head against the pillow. "Why not?"

Unwilling to hold herself up for the duration of what is turning into a long conversation, Jane lets herself fall back onto the bed, pressing herself up against Maura's side. "You can say you love me, but you can't deal with all this…danger," she continues, and Maura snakes an arm underneath her to pull her closer.

"But I can," she says matter of factly.

Jane shakes her head slowly, "It's a lot of danger."

She feels Maura shrug. "I have a lot of love."

But this is not the answer the detective is looking for. Maura is being deliberately dense. Doesn't she know what could happen if she stays? Doesn't she know whatwill happen?

"Do you think if Katherine had a choice between leaving me for a while and dying at the hands of some psychopath, that she really would have chosen to stay with me…just because…just because she loved me?"

Maura doesn't answer right away. Jane watches her face change with her thoughts, and tries to guess what she's thinking. She look sad, and then a little angry, and then she blinks and Jane can see nothing but affection in her light eyes.

"Tell me about your dream, Jane," she says quietly, and she pushes forward so that they are face to face, almost touching.

And Jane takes a breath, trying to hold onto the fact that Maura is there. That she is not bleeding. She is okay. She feels lips on hers, Maura kissing her, strengthening her somehow.

"Tell me," she whispers, when she pulls away.

"You die," Jane says, unable to hold it back any longer. "We're…having…"

"Intercourse," Maura says.

"Sex," Jane corrects her. "We're having sex, and then you're…you're bleeding. You're dying and I can't…" Tears burn the back of Jane's eyes, and she shuts them tight, trying not to cry.

And Maura leans forward to brush their lips together. She takes Jane's hand in her own and links their fingers together for a moment, before pulling Jane's fingers to her body.

"Where was I bleeding?" she asks, her lips only far enough away from Jane's to allow her to form the words.

Jane brushes her fingers over Maura's abdomen, a grin tugging at her lips when the smaller woman catches her breath. "Here," she whispers.

Maura rolls onto her back, tugging at Jane's arm, pulling her along. "Is it bleeding now, honey?" She doesn't ask if that's where Katherine got shot. She doesn't even give Jane a statistic about her dreams and PTSD. She arches a little, tipping her chin up, and Jane can't help but accept the invitation, bending forward to kiss Maura's throat, her fingers on Maura's stomach slipping lower.

The doctor moans, wrapping her arms around Jane's neck. "I'm right here," she says quietly. "I'm right here and I need you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm…I'm…" but she loses her words when Jane slips a finger inside of her.

It is unlike anything Jane has ever felt, and the relief of this realization mingles with her arousal, pushing her higher.

"Oh…my god." she manages, and Maura nods against her, whether in agreement or encouragement, she couldn't say.

"More," Maura moans. "More, please…Jane please."

Jane obliges, adding a finger, and Maura gasps, and then shudders, and Jane…

Jane is reborn.

"I am," Maura starts, but Jane covers her mouth with her own and nods, growling.

"Let go for me, Maura. Please?"

She does, looking out of control and about the most beautiful thing that Jane has ever seen. She arches and tightens, her body going rigid as her climax washes over her.  
And when it is over, and she falls back against the pillows, breathing hard and still seeing stars, she smiles.

And something inside of Jane is fixed.

..

They're wrapped up in each others arms when the bright light of the morning hits them. Neither of them stirs. Jane is sleeping hard and if she is dreaming, she won't remember it when she wakes up. Maura is dreaming about taking the girls to the Museum of Fine Arts. She is dreaming a content little to do list for her brand new family, and she is smiling in her sleep.

So neither one is really awake when Jane's phone goes off. Certainly neither one registers the time, or the date, December 30th.

Jane gropes blindly for her phone, putting it to her ear, expecting to hear Korsak or Frost, one of her brothers, or even her mother. But it is not any one of them.

"Rizzoli," she grumbles, and next to her, Maura rolls over, still half asleep, and presses a laguid little kiss to the concave curve along her scapula. "News?" she asks, the word still slurrred with sleep.

But the voice that answers makes the detective go stiff with fear. Her shock and her terror are so immediate and so complete that she cannot even find it within herself to formulate any kind of answer to the words coming through her phone.

Maura sits up, feeling the change, and looks questioningly at the brunette, who can only stare back at her, face whiter than snow.

"Rizzoli" she'd growled into the phone.

And the voice that had answered. His voice, she was sure of it, had said silkily.

"Here we are again, Jane."


	21. Chapter 21

XXI

Here we are again, Jane.

_"__Katherine."_

_It's the first word she is conscious of saying, but her mouth feels dry and her throat is on fire, like she's been screaming. Was she screaming? She moves her tongue over her lips and listens for her wife._

_"__Katie," She tries to open her eyes, but her head is pounding, and her eyelids simply won't respond. She strains her ears for a sound, any sound, and after a moment, she thinks that she can hear voices coming from somewhere nearby. Tries to raise her arms, but they are too heavy. Has Hoyt bound them? It is not in his MO to bind the living, and he must have felt her heart beating, even if she was unconscious. The voices talking are male, but they are too deep for Charles, too gentle. Could help have come? She tries to turn her head towards the voices and groans as nausea washes over her._

_With the nausea comes an image, or a memory, though she prays that it is not. The image of her hands, red and raw from shards of glass, stretching out for a tearstained toddler. Her own voice, hoarse and shaky. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid, My. Everything's okay._

_And Maya's voice in her head, high and panicked. Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!_

_"__No," She says, forcing her eyes open against the harsh white of her hospital room. "No! Maya! Katie!"_

_At once, there is someone by her bed, a hand reaching out to touch her shoulder. "Calm down, Janie," a low, gentle, familiar voice. Jane shuts her eyes because the lights are too bright. Or because the pain is too great. Or both. She knows that Katherine is gone._

_"__It's alright," It's Frost's voice, she realizes when he speaks again, and for a moment she doesn't understand why he's there. She can't fathom why he would come all the way to Chicago from Boston. "You're safe," he says, "can you hear me, Jane?"_

_She's safe. How cruel and incomplete a statement. She focuses all her energy on opening her eyes again, and there he is, flanked by doctors and looking more exhausted than she has ever seen him before. He watches her struggle to open her eyes and once she has focused on him, he tries to give her a smile. He only succeeds in grimacing._

_"__Frost," she croaks. "The hell are you doing here?"_

_He takes a breath, like he knows what he has to say will reveal more than he wants to. "I'm your emergency contact, Jane," he says after a moment._

_No. That's not right. Katherine is her emergency contact. And Jane is Katherine's. They take care of each other. Only if one of them can't get to the other. Only if neither of them can get to the kids, does Frost become…_

_It hits her hard enough that she makes a noise, like the sound she would make if she was slammed hard onto her back. It's the sound of all the air leaving her._

_"__Jay," he begins, but she manages to shake her head and he falls silent. She lets the implications of his presence sit with her for a long moment. And then she swallows, even though it's more out of habit than anything else. Her throat is as dry as bone._

_"__Kate," she says and she can feel the man next to her tighten. "Tell me," she says._

_"__She's gone, Jane."_

_Gone. Dead. Murdered._

_Jane forces herself to nod, once, and to hold the cavernous maw of her grief at bay. She must know._

_"__Hoyt."_

_"__Prison. Maximum security. You got him."_

_Maybe, she thinks. But too late. She can feel her consciousness slipping, and she holds on tightly. One more. Just one more question. _

_"__Girls," she manages, throat constricted with fear and pain._

_"__They're fine," he says quickly, relieved that he can give her this news. "They're both completely unhurt, Jane. They were staying with some neighbors, and they're with me right now…but I'm going to call you mother, Jane, and Frankie and Tommy, and I know that-"_

_"__No." She puts as much authority into her voice as possible. "No Ma."_

_Frost pauses, and even without seeing him she can tell he is frowning. "Jay," he says quietly, and his voice has dropped lower. "A lot has happened since."_

_But she shakes her head, feeling herself slide a little further towards a black out. "No. Ma. Barry."_

_She only calls him that when she is angry or pulling rank, and she is both of them now. She hears him sigh in resignation. "Alright," he says finally. "Alright…but if you kick it, I'm calling them."_

_She would laugh if her ribs weren't agony. If she wasn't on the verge of throwing up and passing out. If she didn't already miss Kate like she'd lost a physical part of her body._

_But Frost doesn't seem to expect her to laugh. He leans right down next to her, and she can hear his voice, even as she's dragged back down into obliviousness._

_"__Don't you dare kick it, Jane. Don't you fucking dare." _

_…_

"What else did he say?" The FBI agent's name is Dean, and Maura thinks he looks pale and weak, not a good match for one of the most notorious serial killers of all time. She looks at Jane, who is watching her children play in the back yard with their uncles. She doesn't even turn her head to look at him.

Maura tries to recall what Jane said that morning. "He said…he said that she misjudged him. He said…if he were a religious man, he would quote proverbs 16:18. But he said he wasn't, religious, he said-"

"There are many deities, Jane Rizzoli, and it's time you learned which one of us is classified as one." Jane speaks without turning around, and her voice is as frosted as the glass in the sliding door."How in the hell did this happen?"

Agent Dean studies Jane's back long enough to make Maura uncomfortable, then he clears his throat, clearly waiting for her to turn around. She doesn't, just continues to stare through the window, even though Maura knows she can feel Agent Dean's eyes on her back.

"Well," he says after another pause, when it is clear that Jane isn't going to take her eyes off her children, "like I said, the scene at the transfer was chaos. Two civilians wounded, one dead, Catronio injured and not captured," he sighs heavily, like the weight of the world is on his shoulders, and not Jane's. Maura hates him in that moment, for his selfishness. "Catronio shot," he says again, "And not brought in."

Maura can't suppress a shiver at the apprentice's name. And she can't stop herself from remembering Hoyt's words when Jane had visited him.

_"__I am certain that my colleague will be dying to tell me exactly what the doctor tastes like."_

"I don't understand how this happened," she says, and Agent Dean turns to look at her. "How did Catronio know when the transfer was going to be? How did he get close enough to discharge his weapon without getting fatally wounded?"

"Who the fuck let Hoyt go in order to shoot at that tool bag?" Jane interjects, and Maura sighs, a little flustered.

"Well, yes," she says, moving towards Jane, "I wouldn't have used that language, but my sentiment is the same." When she gets close enough, Jane turns from the window and draws Maura into her arms, wrapping her arms tightly around her, pressing her lips to Maura's temple in a gesture that is not quite a kiss, more like reassurance.

Agent Dean looks momentarily surprised, and then a little disappointed, and when he speaks again, he sounds flustered. A new wave of anger washes over Maura.

"Detective Rizzoli," He says gravely, "I assure you that the FBI has nothing but your safety in mind. And we are going to make finding Charles Hoyt one of our top priorities."

Jane snorts, stepping away from the window, and although she lets Maura go, her left hand stays on the doctor's arm, holding her back as the brunette steps forward. It's something she's doing more and more: this contact and protection. Each time it happens the doctor feels light headed with panic and affection. Now she puts her hand over Jane's on her arm, and the detective looks back at her briefly, before turning again to Agent Dean and glaring.

"My safety," she says quietly. "Nothing but my safety in mind." Agent Dean doesn't know her, and so he misreads her tone as gratitude.

"Yes," He says. "Of course we do," he tries to smile at the detective, but the expression makes him look timid, something Maura knows Jane won't want to see. "I, personally want you to trust me when I say that we are going to protect-"

But Jane has had enough, and Maura having heard the dangerous undertone in the brunette's voice flinches as the first words of Jane's outburst come from her mouth.

"_My safety_? MY SAFETY?" Maura reaches out to put her hand on Jane's shoulder, but the taller woman shrugs out of her reach, pointing a finger at Dean. "WHAT ABOUT THE SAFETY OF MY FAMILY?" She yells, and her voice is loud enough that outside, Zoe and Maya stop chasing Tommy through the snow and turn towards the house.

"Jane,"

"WHAT ABOUT THE SAFETY OF THE WOMAN I LOVE? WHAT ABOUT HER PROTECTION? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THAT, AGENT?"

Dean has gone white faced, and when Jane advances on him, he staggers backwards, afraid.

"_Jane_," Maura has seen the detective's face. She understands that this is about more than Agent Dean's clear lack of tact. "Honey-"

"I'm sorry," she says, throwing a look at Maura that is still a little glassy, "You come waltzing in my door two full days after a serial killer who's supposed to be in lock up calls me on the phone, and you say 'trust me to protect you' and then you flinch away from me like I'm a monster?" She looks at him, eyes wide. He opens his mouth to answer, but she doesn't give him a chance.

"Charles Hoyt stalks and kills couples, and recently, he left two little boys orphaned. He…" She trails off.

Ah. Maura understands. Stepping forward, she takes Jane firmly around the upper arm.

"Jane," she says, raising her voice slightly. "Jane, look at me, honey."

Jane's deep brown eyes slide around to meet hers. "Maur," her voice drops an octave. She sounds lucid, at least. Maura pulls her back towards the sliding door that leads out to the back yard.

"Look, honey. Look outside."

Jane turns and looks out the door, towards where her children stand, decked out in all their winter garb. Marua squeezes Jane's arm, and waves at them with her free hand, smiling broadly.

Zoe cracks first. She waves her fuzzy pink mitten back at them. "Hi Mama! Hi Mam. I chasin Tommy!"

Maya looks at her sister and then back at Maura. She waves too, but she doesn't smile as widely, and when she looks at Jane, she stops smiling completely.

"They're right there," Maura says quietly. "See? They're right there." She pulls at Jane's arm, wrapping it back around her waist. "I'm right here," she says, and after a moment, she feels Jane respond, tightening her grip. "We're here. We're all okay."

Jane closes her eyes for a moment, and Maura feels her take a deep breath.

"Okay," she says, turning to Dean. "Okay. Tell me your plan, Agent Dean."

"We've got unmarked cars on the house, on the precinct, we've dispatched them out to New York as well. Hoyt struck your home a year ago, nine days from now. Our plan is to catch him before he can strike again."

Jane rolls her eyes, but doesn't comment, and Dean goes on. "You're his end game, Detective. He likes rules and timelines, so we know when he's coming. We know he's _going_ to come. All that's left to do is play the waiting game."

Jane rolls her shoulders, but then, she nods.

Agent Dean looks supremely relieved. "Okay," he says, and he reaches into his back pocket. He pulls out one of his cards, and scribbles something on it. He hands it to Jane, trying to meet her eyes.

"That's my office and work cell on the front," he pauses, and his eyes flick to Maura for a moment. "And my personal cell on the back," he finishes. "Don't hesitate to call."

Jane makes a gesture like she's batting away a fly, and turns back to the door without saying goodbye.

"I'm going to walk to agent out, Jane," Maura says quietly, "okay?"

Jane glances at her. "Then come back and stand with me," she says, nodding.

Maura can't help but smile.

"Of course," she responds. Nothing could keep her away.

…

_She sits on the windowsill and looks out over the field that borders the hospital. Her knees are pulled up towards her chest and her chin rests in the dip between them. Her hands are buried in her hair._

_"__Jane," her therapist's voice reaches her like it's had to struggle through a dense fog. "Can you hear me?"_

_She turns her head and looks at the doctor, sitting in the armchair across from her. "Sorry," she says, "did you ask me something?"_

_The woman is older, with a kind face and a keen stare, and for a moment she just smiles at Jane. It makes her uncomfortable._

_"__Yes," she says finally, "I asked you several things actually, shall I go back to my original question?"_

_Jane pulls her hands from her hair and stretches her back. She wants to tell the woman that she shouldn't bother asking any of these questions at all, but she knows that would be counterproductive. The woman would make a note on her chart: unresponsive, and it would be another four weeks of therapy before anyone would even talk to her about leaving and getting her kids back._

_Her kids. Jane feels her hands clench into fists involuntarily. They are the only thing she has left, the only thing she has to live for, and she barely sees them. Two hours, three times a week, in the rec room of the hospital which is always full of people and doctors. Two hours, three times a week, and it's always supervised. Like she would do anything to her children. Like she's the bad guy in all of this._

_"__Jane," The doctor's voice sounds urgent now. "Where are you right now?"_

_Jane glares at her. "It's bullshit that I don't get to see my kids," anger makes her voice rough._

_"__You do see your kids, Jane. Often."_

_"__Never alone! Never in a place where I can sit down with them and hold them and tell them I love them and that I'm coming back to them. Explain what happened." She tries to keep her voice from shaking, but it won't and so she just stops talking._

_"__You believe that you're emotionally capable of taking care of them now? It's only been two months Jane. And you've only been on your feet for three weeks."_

_"__They're my children."_

_"__Correct," the doctor says, "but you refuse to help yourself in order to get back to them. What am I supposed to think about your emotional state when that's the case?" Her voice is calm and reasonable and it makes Jane want to scream._

_"__That's what this is about? Me not wanting to go back to Boston? You've never met my parents, doctor. You can call it a support system all you want, but to me it will always be homophobia. And what am I supposed to do down there? Get a job at DQ?" Jane runs a hand through her hair. This is the most she's said since her first and second sessions, when she just spent the entire hour crying over Katherine. She grits her teeth. "I don't see how my emotional stability would be improved by returning to a place I hate." _

_The doctor regards her solemnly for a moment, pen tapping on the pad in her lap, and Jane thinks she might have the other woman stumped, but then the doctor points at Jane's hands._

_"__Look at what you're doing, Jane" she says quietly._

_The detective looks down at her hands. Free of her hair, she realizes that she has been beating them repeatedly on the windowsill. One and then the other, each blow hard and, Jane realizes dimly, painful against the concrete sill._

_She stills her hands quickly, even though it's too late to stop the damage. Two of her knuckles are split and bruises are already forming._

_Jane stares down at the damage she didn't know she was making, proof that her pain has been finding a secret way out of her. She'd understood from the beginning that her grief was different, maybe a little dangerous. Now here is irrefutable proof._

_Grief has turned her a little wild, has numbed her to the sensation of her knuckles on concrete. Has numbed her to feeling anything at all._

_"__When you get your children back," the doctor says after a moment, her sharp eyes watching Jane examine her hands. "When they come back to you. I want you to receive them completely. I want the three of you to be strong and healthy and complete."_

_Complete. Jane can barely form the entire word without Katherine. But those are Katherine's kids out there. Katherine's kids and Jane's. Without either of them._

_"__What do I do?" she asks, coming to sit closer to the doctor. "What do I do?"_

_The doctor smiles, and it is not condescending at all. "Let's start simple," she says gently. "Tell me about Maya."_

…

New York is calling daily.

_Are you alright over there?_

_We're alright over here._

_Are you sure?_

_We're sure._

The doctor's need to keep all three Rizzolis in sight is reaching an obsessive level. Agent Dean had seemed sure about Hoyt's timeline but Jane seems jumpy all the time, like she doesn't believe it could be as simple a capture as Dean predicts.

"Do you think he'll come here?" she asks Jane in bed one night. "How could he come here? How could he know where here is?"  
Jane pulls her closer, kissing her neck and her ear, shaking her head slowly. "I don't know anything, Maura," she replies. "That's why I'm so scared. Because I don't know."

Maura rolls over, pressing her front into Jane's. She closes her eyes.

"Keep breathing," she whispers to the brunette.

Jane squeezes her in return.

.

Something wakes her. Like that night all those months ago, when she awoke to find Jane crying in her kitchen, something pulls her out of bed tonight, even though Jane is sleeping deeply beside her.

Out in the hall, she stands, irresolute, trying to figure out when she became the type of person who acted on her feelings. She is on the verge of turning and heading back to bed, when she hears it.

It's the sound of someone crying, mewling really, coming from the bathroom, and Maura pushes the door open to reveal Maya.

Maura catches her breath. "Maya, honey, what are you doing up?"

Maya looks up at her, still teary and a little guilty. "I couldn't sleep," she says rubbing her eyes.

Maura steps into the bathroom, squatting down in front of the little girl, automatically checking her for any injuries. "What's wrong, honey. Why are you crying in here?"

Usually when Maya has a nightmare, or is worried about something, she goes directly to Jane, and more often than not, Maura wakes up to the feel of two freezing cold feet on her legs as Maya slides in beside her mother.

Maya hesitates, looking nervous.

"You can tell me anything," Maura says, wondering if this is a line that actually works on children. "Even…even if it's something you don't want to tell Mama, okay? You can tell me."

Maya looks down at her hands, and so the doctor does too, and she realizes with a little gasp, that they are trembling.

"Maya!" she says, reaching out and pulling the girl against her, feeling her panic rise even further when the child starts to cry harder. "Sweetheart! Tell me what's wrong!"

"I…am…scared…to…die," Maya sobs into her shoulder. "I don't want to die, Mam, I don't."

Maura is instantly in tears. She can't help herself, that voice.

"Baby," she says, through her own tears. "You're not going to die! Why do you think that?"

"Mommy did," she says tearfully, "the last time Mama got nervous, Mommy went to heaven." She buries herself in Maura's shoulder again, and the doctor has to gently pull her away so that she can get the rest of her explanation. "I'm part of Mommy. I'm from Mommy. I don't want to die like Mommy."

It makes perfect, six year old sense. And because of that, Maura finds it hard to explain why it is not so. She pulls Maya close to her again, stroking her hair.

"No," she says, bending to kiss the little head, her brain trying desperately to come up with the right words. "Just because you are like your Mommy doesn't mean you're going to die like her. I know it's so scary…" She stops, wondering what to say next, panicking when she comes up empty. Maya pulls back and looks up into the doctor's face, her little cheeks tearstained.

Maura opens her mouth, trying to think of something comforting. _What would she want to hear…if she were this scared._

"You don't have to go through this alone, darling," she says quietly, and she reaches up and brushes a strand of Maya's hair away from her face. "Why are you hiding in here all by yourself?"

Maya's lip trembles, but she manages to stop it after a moment. "I have to be strong for Mama," she says determinedly. "So she stays okay."

Is it possible to love someone so hard that it draws blood? Maura is quite sure the answer is yes. She strokes Maya's hair again. "No, baby," she says gently. "That's not how families work, right? You know that."

Maya rubs her nose with the back of her hand. "Families stay together," she says, quoting Jane. "They help each other. They suh-suh-port each other."

Maura nods, "exactly. Mama would be so sad if she knew you were scared and didn't tell her. She loves you so much, Maya, and you being scared isn't going to make her fear worse. It isn't going to drive her away."

Maya seems to turn the words over in her mind. "Do you know that?"

Maura nods. "I do."

"How?" Maya sniffs again. "were you ever so scared?" She looks up at Maura with wide, pale eyes. Totally trusting.

"Yes," Maura hears herself say. "There was a time in my life when I was so scared."

Maya nods seriously. "Was a bad man after your Mommy?" she asks, and Maura makes a mental note to check her future conversations when Maya is nearby.

"No," she says, hesitating, weighing her options, "no. It was me they came after, not my mother."

Maya's eyes get wider, though she doesn't look frightened. She doesn't speak for a moment, just looks into Maura's face, like she can see the story laid out for her there.

Finally she pushes her dark head back against Maura's chest, her arms coming up to wrap around the doctor's neck.

"But you are here," she whispers, her six year old voice full of a much older person's ferocity, "because you are brave, like my mama."

How was anything in her life important before this family. She stands with Maya in her arms, letting her shift and find a more comfortable position. "Let's go back to bed," she whispers, and Maya nods.

"Tuck me in, Mam."

"Of course."

As they cross the hall to the girls' room, Maura presses a kiss to the top of Maya's head. "Brave does not mean hiding fear," she whispers. "It doesn't mean keeping the things that scare us inside…okay?"

Another nod against her chest. "You have me, and you have Mama."

Maya blinks sleepily up at her. "Always?"

Maura nods. "Always."

She carries the little girl into her room, settling her down under the covers the way she's seen Jane do hundreds of times. "Sleep well, sweet girl," she says quietly, and Maya reaches out to hug her around the neck one more time.

Maura pauses at the door, looking over her shoulder at the sleepy little girl looking back at her.

"Mam?"

Maura smiles. She never gets tired of that word."What is it, bug?" she asks, and in the light from the hallway she can see Maya smile, snuggling down under her blanket. "I love you. I love you so much, like you are my family. Are you my family, Mam?" She's almost asleep.

Maura answers her anyway. "Yes, pretty girl. I am." She whispers it quietly, and then she pulls the door shut.

Turning around, and nearly jumps out of her skin, just managing to stop herself from screaming. Jane is standing in the hallway behind her.

"Jane!" she hisses, "God! You scared-" But Jane moves forward and is kissing her before she can finish her sentence.

When Jane finally releases her, Maura keeps her eyes closed, still reveling a little in the feel. But Jane's words make her eyes fly open.

"It was Halloween, wasn't it?" she says quietly.

"What?" Maura tries to look like she doesn't know what Jane is talking about. The detective is not fooled.

"You were assaulted, on Halloween. Is that the fear you were trying to bury?"

Maura looks down, but Jane catches her under the chin, her eyes blazing. "Did they ra-"

"No!" Maura says quickly, watching Jane relax a little, though she doesn't let go.

"How old were you?"

"Eleven," she says, and Jane growls, deep in her chest. "It's not…"

"Don't say it's not a big deal," Jane says adamantly. "It's a big deal." She presses her head against Maura's shoulder, swaying them lazily. Maura closes her eyes, trying to think of a time when she's ever felt more connected to someone in her life.

"If I'd been there," Jane says quietly. "If I'd been there I would have kicked their asses so badly, Maur."

Maura grins, unable to stop herself from picturing it. "I know, Jane," she responds, and the brunette pulls away from her, eyes serious.

"Do you? Do you know that I'll never let anything hurt you?" She leans forward to press her lips to Mauras. "I am going to keep you safe."

"You need to stay safe," Maura says vehemently, "I need you, and those kids, to stay safe, Jane." She leans her head against Jane's chest, and the taller woman pulls her tight.

"Maura," she says "I love you. I would do anything for you. Don't worry. Everything is going to be alright."

Maura sighs, and for the next wonderful, glorious thirty seconds, Maura believes that it's true.


	22. Chapter 22

Someone outside screams.

That's what makes Jane pull away and hurry to the hall window and look out.

"Jesus, shit!" she says, and she's halfway down the street before Maura can make it to the window and look out herself.

The house at the end of the block is engulfed in flame. Maura sucks in a startled breath at the flames licking the sky, and then pulls back from the window calling after the detective as she throws the door open on the street.

"GO!" she hears Jane shout, and she realizes she's speaking to the uniforms sitting outside of their house. "GO, you dipshits! See if anyone needs help!" Maura gets to the door in time to see the cop car speed down the road towards the house. Jane turns back into the house and reaches for her boots.

"I've gotta go see," She says urgently. "I've got to make sure everyone is alright."

"No!" it bursts from Maura against her will. "No! Call the fire department or…"

But Jane is already heading back down the road in the snow, throwing her coat over her shoulders as she goes.

"Jane!" Maura follows her out into the street. "Jane don't…" But her sentence trails off here, because what is she supposed to say. Don't run headlong into danger? Don't risk your life for people you don't know?

Don't be yourself?

But the tone in her voice must convey some of this, because Jane turns away from the eerie orange sky and looks back at her. She turns around and she walks back to the doctor, pulling her into a hug.

"I'll be right back," Jane murmurs into Maura's hair, and her hands are strong and reassuring on the doctor's shoulders. "I'll be right back. I'm just going to see if I can do anything to help." She pulls away to look into Maura's eyes. "Listen," she says, "You can already hear the sirens."

And it's true, the faint wail of the firetrucks is already piercing the dark night. Jane leans forward for a kiss, "I promise I'll be right-" she begins again, but Maura pulls back abruptly.

"Don't" she says, unable to fight the unease that rests in the pit of her stomach. "Don't tell me anything you don't mean…" she doesn't know what makes her say it. Maybe it is the crescendoing of the fire engines as they roar towards the flames. Maybe it is the flames themselves, and the fuzzy, muffled hiss they make as they crackle and multiply. Maybe it is the sound of Maura's own heart, beating hard and panicky in her chest. "Don't make a promise you can't keep," she whispers. "Don't- don't kiss me anywhere you aren't going to kiss me again."

Jane's grip tightens around Maura's waist. She leans in slowly and kisses the side of Maura's mouth, then a spot at the corner of Maura's eye.

"I promise," she says into the doctor's ear. "I'll be right back." she presses her lips gently to Maura's neck. "I love you."

Maura does not want to let go. She wants to demand that the detective repeat that phrase. Over and over again. She wants to beg her to stay.

Instead, she presses her forehead against Jane's shoulder, hard. "Come back," she says, like she could etch the command into the other woman's DNA. _Come back to me. Be who you are…but come back to me_.

"I love you too," she says quietly.

"Check on the girls."

Maura nods, feeling teary. "Of course."

And then Jane has pulled away, is moving away down the street at a jog, and Maura turns to go back up the stairs to the house. She is about to go inside and shut the door, when a realization makes her turn around with a gasp.

Jane has said 'the girls,' not 'my girls.'

Maura stand for a minute, watching as the fire trucks roar to a stop outside the house up the block, and then:

"Mama?"

Maura turns from the door to see Maya, footie pajamas and wild hair. She's looking past Maura and out the door, still open, to where the flashing of the fire engine's overheads now light up the night, bright and harsh against the snow.

"Come here, darling," Maura says, shutting the door quickly and moving towards her. "Come here, it's okay."

Maya allows herself to be scooped up, and she wraps her arms around Maura's neck, holding tightly. "Where's Mama?" She asks into Maura's shoulder.

The doctor gives her a squeeze. "She went to help Uncle Frost and Uncle Frankie. She'll be back soon honey…What are you doing up?"

"Heard a noise."

"The sirens?"

Maya shakes her head against the doctor's shoulder. "Uh uh. A scary noise."

The rational part of Maura's brain has just enough leverage over the panicked section to keep her from shuddering.

"Okay, sweetheart," she says gently. "Lets get you back to bed, okay?"

Maura starts up the stairs with the child in her arms, rubbing the little back comfortingly. She is about to open her mouth and say something to try and ease Maya's fears, when the unmistakable sound of a window shattering comes from the first floor.

Maya jumps in her arms, her hands tightening around the doctor's neck. "Mommy!" she cries out.

Maura acts on instincts, one hand shooting out to cover the little girl's mouth.

"Shush," she says, quickly, taking the rest of the stairs two at a time. She has no other thought in her head but to get to Zoe. Get to Zoe and protect them.

_Protect them._

She hurries along the hall on the second floor as quietly as she can, but the door to the girls room still creaks on its hinges when she pushes it open enough for her to slip through. She thinks about closing it, but decides against it, not wanting to make any more noise than she has to. Not wanting to draw attention to this room, a closed door in a hallway of open ones.

"Mommy," Maya whimpers again, and the knowledge that this little girl is calling her by Katherine's name only serves to heighten her desire to protect them.

"Shh, darling," she says, her voice lower than a whisper, "I need you to get down and go over towards the closet."

But Maya shakes her head, and holds tighter to the doctor. "No." Firm and definitive. There is no time to argue with her, especially if it means that Maya will make more noise, so Maura moves over to Zoe's bed, shifting Maya to one side.

"Zoe," she says urgently, and with all the strength she has in her body, she lifts the toddler out of her bed. She is deeply asleep, heavy and unhelpful, and Maura's arm burns as she pulls the child up off the mattress.

_Don't cry out, don't cry out_… It's all she can think, the only prayer she's ever truly meant, and someone somewhere must be listening, because Zoe stays silent and fast asleep.

She clutches both children to her body and turns away from the bed.

And hears boots on the stairs.

So this is what fear is like. So this is how terror tastes, cold and metallic in the back of her throat. Maya can hear the feet on the stairs too, slow and heavy and decidedly not Jane.

_Jane_.

Maura swallows, and the action sounds booming in ears. She backs up, trying to focus her thoughts as they scatter in front of her like like loose change. She grasps at them, but comes up with the same one, over and over and over.

_Protect them. Protect Zoe and Maya._

_Protect your children._

There is the sound of feet in the hall, and Maura's brain jolts into life. She turns, moving as quickly as she can to the girls closet. It is deep, and thanks to Maura, full of outfits for both girls. Quietly, as silently as she can, Maura slips them all inside it, pulling the door shut behind them. Once inside, she lowers Zoe to the floor first and then uses both her hands to pull Maya off of her.

The little girl has tears trailing down her cheeks, but she remains dutifully silent, scooting back to the narrow end of the closet and watching as Maura straightens again and begins to pull the clothes off their hangers. She drops the skirts and tops down onto the children gently, and when she catches Maya's eye, she gestures that the girl should cover herself. She watches as Maya nods, and then begins to cover Zoe.

She has her little sister about two thirds of the way covered, when the door from the hall creaks open.

Maura freezes, and Maya looks up at her, the whites of her eyes huge in the darkness.

Silently, Maura crouches down and pulls the little body to her. She can feel Maya shaking, and she forces her own arms to stay steady. She presses her lips to the side of Maya's head, understanding fully that she will fight until her last breath for these children.

For three shivering minutes, there is silence. Maura can feel the presence of the person in the bedroom without seeing him. She knows he is there, and she knows, with a shiver up her spine, when he looks briefly towards the closet.

She holds her breath, and her free hand finds Zoe's back and rubs gently.

_Stay asleep. Stay asleep. Please, please please._

And then, the person in the bedroom, the man (for Maura knows it can only be one of two people), turns and heads back into the hall.

She listens to him push the door to her bedroom open and head inside, and she takes a deep, shaky breath, and pulls Maya away from her body so she can look at her when she speaks.

"Listen to me, Maya," the tone in the doctor's voice is not one she was aware that she possessed. She whispers urgently, and the six year old holds very still, like she is concentrating with her entire body. "Listen baby, we're going to finish covering you up, and then you stay still and silent, okay?"

Maya doesn't answer, but she sits up a little straighter, and Maura continues, "and no matter what. No matter what happens," she takes Maya's face gently in her hands, like she could push the words through with her hands. "No matter _what_, Maya. You stay where you are. You stay here and you stay silent. Okay?"

She pulls Maya's face closer and kisses her cheeks, wet with tears. "I love you, baby. I love you so much."

And Maya puts her arms around Maura's waist, speaking into her collarbone so that Maura feels the words rather than hears them.

"Mommy. I love you, Mommy. Don't leave me."

…

The minutes are endless. Maura sits with her back to the clothes-covered children facing the door. At any moment, she expects the closet door to fly off it's hinges and for Charles Hoyt to drag her out by her hair. Maya's foot presses hard against her upper thigh, flexing every once in a while, as if to make sure that the doctor is still there under her sole. When this happens, Maura will reach down and squeeze the tiny ankle, each time marveling at how tiny her bones are, how fragile.

She puts her head down on her knees. She can no longer hear the boots of the intruder, but she will not leave the closet. There is nothing that could draw her out apart from Jane's voice. Jane calling her down the stairs. Jane, saying her name.

Almost like the universe has heard this silent plea, there is the thundering of the front door from downstairs, and Jane's voice rings up the stairs.

"Maura?" She sounds worried, panicked. "Maur? Are you here?"

Maura is about to turn, to grab the children and rush down the stairs to meet the detective, but the next thing that she says, makes the doctor's blood go cold.

"What have you done with them?"

Maura freezes, listening. She thinks she can hear the rumble of a voice. A man's voice.  
Hoyt's voice.

Without stopping to think, without even pausing to consider the consequences, Maura is up on her feet. She pushes out of the closet and sprints through the bedroom and into the hall.

"Jane!" she cries, turning towards the stairs. "Jane!"

She rounds the corner of the top landing, and the detective comes into view, eyes wide and terrified, a silver scalpel pressed against the tender skin of her throat.

"Maura! NO! LOOK OUT."

The doctor has a split second to register the words, to look behind her at the hall. She has a split second to register Jason Catronio's gloating smile, before a sharp pain ricochets out from the base of her skull.

And there is nothing.

…

…

She wakes up to the sound of someone crying.

Jane crying.  
It takes her a moment to recognize that it is Jane's voice, simply because the noise is so foreign. The sobs are jagged and shallow, staccato like bullet holes. Jane sounds wounded.

"Nnnh," Maura manages. She tries to move her hands and finds that they are bound, down by her sides. As consciousness returns to her she finds that she is bound, and that she is dressed in just her undershirt. The over shirt she went to sleep in earlier that night (was is just that night?) has vanished.

She cranes her neck, and is met with a view of three of the support beams that hold up her living room floor.

The basement. They are in the basement. No…

They are _tied up_ in the basement, and Hoyt and possibly Catronio are there. And there is no way, that Maura can see, that they will survive this.

"Jane,"she says, her throat dry.

"Dr. Isles," the voice that responds is not the detective's. It is too deep, and far too….gleeful. "Dr. Isles," Charles Hoyt says, "how nice of you to join us."

.

Maura thought that she knew every single facet of Jane's voice. She was under the impression that if asked, she could have catalogued every aspect of the detectives tone, every cadence and hitch, and told anyone exactly what it meant. The doctor knows the way Jane sounds when she's mocking, when she's angry, when she frustrated or aroused or happy or upset. She thought she knew every sound that the brunette could make.

She was wrong.

Charles Hoyt drags the scalpel lightly over Maura's neck, too lightly to leave a mark, and Jane makes a sound in the back of her throat that sounds raw and wet…and terrified.

"I'm going to make you stop breathing, Doctor," he says to her, and his voice is gentle. He caresses each word like it's an infant. "I'm going to make you mine."

"No," she moans, "Charles, no. Please…me. Use me… please!"

The doctor can't see Jane, because of the way she's positioned, but she hears a deep rumbly chuckle that can only belong to Catronio.

So, it's both of them together. Teacher and apprentice. Maura tries to blink away her tears.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Charles' lips curl into a sinister smile.

"Oh," He says, sounding saddened, and a little put out, "Jane, how you underestimate me. How you have always underestimated me." Maura sees him turn to look at the brunette, still smiling. "Of course I am going to use you. But you know the rules. First, you watch her die."

Maura whimpers. She cannot help it. Jane is held fast by Catronio, she must be, and Maura is tied and immobile. The police do not know where they are…

Maura shuts her eyes, trying to stay calm and rational. Neither emotion comes. She feels Charles move closer to her, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

"She's going to watch this," Hoyt says, leaning closer. "What do you think you're going to see in her eyes, Dr. Isles? What do you think she's going to see in yours."

Jane makes a strangled sound, but when she speaks her voice is hard with fury. "Hoyt. Don't you touch her."

Charles moves directly in front of Maura, so that he is looking down into her face, he looks back over his shoulder, to the spot where Jane must be, and then he leans down and brushes his lips against Maura's cheek.

Jane cries out. The noise is part way between a scream and a moan, furious and jealous and terrified and scraped from the bottom of her stomach.

Maura has never heard Jane make that noise before.

Suddenly, Hoyt is gone. The weight of his knee on her stomach disappears, and the hot wash of his breath disappears from her neck. Disoriented, she struggles upwards, dizzy and confused, pushing elbows into the concrete of the floor so that she can raise herself up to look.

Catronio is lying flat on his back, eyes closed, blood dripping from the side of his head. And Jane is free, standing over him, her own face red with blood. She brings her knee up, high, like she's going to take a step up a giant stair, and brings the heel of her foot down hard on Catronio's temple.

She does this once, twice, three times, and then she whirls for Hoyt, just as he turns to face her.

He raises the hand with the scalpel as she lunges for him, a mass of hair and blood and wild, frantic eyes.

"Jane!" Maura manages, as the brunettes hand flies at Hoyt's throat.

"No!"

It happens like a movie. Like a flip book.

It happens and there's nothing she can do about it. She can't make her feet move fast enough, would not have enough time to undo the bindings around her ankles and to put herself in between Hoyt and the woman she loves.

There is not enough time for her to say all the things she wants to say.

She watches as Hoyt catches her wrist and shoves her backwards, watches as Jane's head, then her shoulders, then hips hit the side wall of the basement.

With one, deft movement, Hoyt presses her wrist against the cool surface of the wall, the hand pressing back with it lying flat for one split second.

Maura doesn't get a chance to scream no this time. She shuts her eyes, cringing away as Hoyt brings the scalpel around, sinking it deep into the palm of Jane's hand. He pushes it all the way through, to the back of the wall, pinning her up like a marionette.

Jane screams.

Her cry is long and drawn out, loud, as though she can push all the pain of the blade in her skin out through her lungs. She screams, and Hoyt turns back to Maura, pulling another scalpel out of his pocket, giving it a small twirl.

"Always come prepared," he whispers, taking a step towards her.

But Jane is not done. She is not dead, and her eyes, red rimmed and crazed when she lifts them up to focus on Charles, clearly say that he will have to kill her before she allows him to lay a hand on the woman she loves.

"NO!" She says, and with her free arm, she stretches out, her body contorting at an odd angle to allow her to reach. "Don't. you. _touch_. her." And Jane reaches and wraps her undamaged hand in Charles Hoyt's hair, dragging him back.

He whirls on her, face alive with surprise and anger, and Maura realizes that he is going to kill her. He is going to break with tradition and finish her right now. She is too much of a problem. He raises the scalpel, and Jane reacts at once, the police academy training kicking in out of pure, primal instinct.

She releases him, her hand jumping to catch him in the neck, and then shooting down to rip the scalpel from his hand…

And plunge it into his chest.

It happens so fast that Maura doesn't have time to gasp. Her sharp intake of breath is too late, blood is already seeping into the white of Hoyt's shirt, like ink into parchment.

"I told you," Jane heaves, her face dripping blood from where she'd headbutted Catronio, "Not to touch her."

For a moment, Hoyt just looks down at his chest, the scalpel sticking out obscenely, and his face twists, not with anger, or with fear…but with a sort of awed disbelief at his defeat. He stares down at it, and Maura calculates its angle against the vital organs it must have pierced against the amount of time until he loses consciousness.

Too much.

Too much.

Too…"Jane!" Again, she is too late. Again, she can only watch as Charles rips the scalpel from his own chest with one hand and wraps his other hand around her neck, slamming her head back against the wall.

He grins. And when she brings her hand around to try and beat him off, he catches it, presses it back against the wall and sinks his new scalpel through this hand as well.

This time, Jane doesn't scream. But Maura does.

She can see Hoyt's knees shaking, knows that he is about to pass out, that he is going to die. But he leans forward, holding himself up against Jane's shoulder, and puts his mouth against her ear.

Maura sees him whisper something and watches as Jane's face changes.

And then Hoyt's knees finally give way, and he slumps first against the detective, and then slithers to the floor.

Maura stares at him for what seems like ages, watching as his blood stains the concrete, and his chest stops rising and falling. Maura looks to where Catronio lays, unmoving. He was dead before the second Crunch of Jane's heel against his temple. She does not even worry that he will move.

Jane makes a noise. A whimper, or a sound of resignation, Maura can't tell, but her eyes snap up to the brunette, and she sees that Jane is losing consciousness too. Her hands are spread, still pinned, and all though not bleeding as freely as if the scalpels were removed, they are still dripping steadily.

"Jane!" Maura sits up, and begins working at the bindings on her legs. Her fingers feel numb and unresponsive. "Jane, honey, don't close your eyes," She calls, because the brunette looks like she's about to fall asleep.

"Stay awake, Honeygirl. Stay awake for me. I'm coming."

Jane blinks heavily, but doesn't seem to be able to look in her direction. Maura works frantically at the lines around her ankles, and if she hears the sirens, she does not register that they are coming for her.

"Janie," she says, "baby, think of your girls. Think of your girls. They're safe. They're okay. We're going to go get them. You're going to be alright."

She doesn't know that. She isn't sure.

Upstairs there is the sound of a door being forced, and panic pushes at Maura's insides. More? How could there be more? "I love you, Jane. Hold on for me. Please."

"Maura?" The doctor's head shoots up, but it's not Jane's voice that has called out to her. She turns her head towards the basement steps, hardly daring to believe it. "MAURA? JANE?"

"Barry?" she calls tentatively at first. And then louder, tears springing to her eyes. "BARRY?"

And there he is, coming around the corner, Korsak flanking him, both of their guns raised and cocked.

But at the scene in front of them, they both nearly drop their firearms in their attempt to get to the women.

"We've got 'em," Korsak says into his walkie talkie. "Basement. 402 South Morningside…I need medics down here, NOW!" He rushes towards Jane, lifting her chin gently with one hand, his other hovering over her palm and the instrument that pins her to the wall, not daring to touch.

"Shit," he growls. "Shit, Janie…It's okay…I got you."

"No," Jane moans, trying to lift her chin out of his hand. "No. No…no."

Barry has cut Maura free of her restraints, is helping her stand. "Doc," he says, his voice shaky, and she can tell he's taking in her thin tank top, and the rip in her pants.

"I'm fine," she says. "We need to get Jane medical attention. We need to get the girls, they're upstairs in the clos-"

Maura, you have a nasty head wound back here," Frost cuts her off, pressing gently against the back of her head.

The floor spins.

"No," Maura says quickly, trying to concentrate. "No, you've got to get my girls…her girls. You've got to…"

But she loses her train of thought as people begin to stream around the corner from the stairs. Crime techs she recognizes, and EMTs she's seen before, delivering bodies and…Jane.

Oh no…Jane.

Maura waves her hands frantically, and Frost looks at her as she searches for the words through her haze of panic and pain.

"Get out!" As soon as she has her voice, she finds herself screaming. She pushes forward, tearing her arm out of Frosts, and shoves an EMT that it advancing on Jane.

"Get away!" she hears her voice say, "Get out! Don't touch her."

Frost tries to grab her again, but she angles her elbow back into his stomach and he staggers backwards. "Don't!" she says, her voice hoarse. "I'll do it."

Korsak puts his hands up, but doesn't approach her. He looks ashen faced, terrified. "Dr. Isles," he says lowly. "We need to get Jane to the ambulance. She's going to go into-"

"I'm a goddamn doctor," she spits at him, and her understanding and empathy for the detective keep her steady. "You don't think I know that?" _You don't think I know Jane?_ She makes her feet move, until she is standing in front of the brunette. "Get out."

"Maura," Frost, his breath back after her blow. "We need-"

"You need to get out of here," she raises her voice. "All of you! Get the hell out of here."

"Doctor," Korsak tries again. "Jane is-"

"OUT!" her panic at what he might reveal about her detective makes Maura overpower him for the first time. Her detective. Fierce and loyal and sweet…and wonderfully proud. Horribly proud.

"Vince," she says, and her voice cracks for the first time. "Please…let me help her."

In her periphery, Maura sees Frost shoot Korsak a look that clearly says they should stay, but Vince only has eyes for the doctor. He looks at her hard for a moment and then nods once, curtly, and he turns to tug a med kit from a nearby EMT.

"You heard the doctor!" he bellows, and his authoritative voice makes the EMTs and crimes scene techs stop in their tracks. He shoves the bag at Maura, and when she takes it, her hands only shake a little.

"Clear out, let the doctor help Detective Rizzoli."

"But sir," One of the first responders steps forward nervously. "We can't just let a medical examiner-"

"You can and you will," Korsak growls. "Clear out…_Now_."

They do as he says, casting glances at the doctor as they go. But Maura has already turned away, is moving towards Jane slowly, like she might lash out. She doesn't move.

Maura's heart seems to be in her throat. Is the brunette breathing?

Yes. Thank God.

"Jane," she says quietly, not wanting to frighten. But the brunette still jumps, and then cries out pitifully as her hands jerk.

Maura rushes forward and presses herself against Jane. She leans her head forward, against the narrow chest in front of her, rising and falling rapidly.

"They're gone," she says quietly. "They're gone now." She doesn't know who she's talking about, Hoyt and his apprentice or the EMTs and police officers who were about to see her. Her head is pounding so hard she feels that it must be making her whole body shake. She focuses on taking deep breaths. Her hands can't tremble when she pulls those things out.

"They're gone," she says again, because the woman in front of her is still shaking.

"It's hurts," through gritted teeth. "It hurts."

She nods. "It's going to hurt more." There's no reason to sugarcoat it. The draft from the open door wraps around her shoulders, reminding her that they are bare.

Her shirt is gone. She lost it. No.

It was removed.

Jane's whimper makes her shake her head, trying to clear it enough to act. But all she wants to do is stay pressed against this woman. Her savoir. The reason she is only bare shouldered, and not completely naked.

The reason they are both breathing, is she breathing? Yes.

Keep breathing.

_I'm going to make you stop breathing. I'm going to make you mine._

"Maura."

The doctor nods absently, the desperation in Jane's voice pulling her back a little bit. Has everything always been blurred around the edges like that? How had she never noticed before?

"Maura. _Please_."

Maura nods again, focusing, reaching up and pressing one hand against Jane's chest, just below the hollow of her throat.

_She's going to watch this. What do you think you're going to see in her eyes, Dr. Isles? What do you think she's going to see in yours._

Maura moves her other hand slowly, slowly, down the curve of Jane's arm, stopping briefly at the wrist to find the pulse, quick and unreliable under her fingers.

"It's going to hurt," she says it again, softer like an apology. "It's not like the movies."

Jane's head moves almost imperceptibly. Maura can't tell if it's a nod or a shake of the head. She is so pale that she is almost white, and it is the fear of losing her. The overwhelming, crushing fear of being without Jane Rizzoli, that makes Maura's hand move the last five inches, wrap her fingers around the gleaming silver scalpel.

And pull.


	23. Chapter 23

XXIII.

Maura can feel her entire heartbeat under her fingernails. She stares around the living room, trying not to hyperventilate. She was here just a moment ago.

"Zoe?" She pivots on the spot looking back towards the hall. "Zoe? Honey? Where are you?" _She was here just a minute ago_. Maura stands very still, trying to listen, but she can't hear anything over the sound of her own breathing, raspy and shallow in her chest. Maya has returned to school, but Maura opted to keep Zoe out of daycare, at least while she's still on medical leave. The two of them spend most of their days inside. watching movies and playing games.

"Zoe?" she calls for a fifth time, hand reaching into her pocket for her phone. She's trying to decide if 911 would be faster than calling Barry Frost directly, when she hears a muffled giggle come from the hall. She freezes.

"Zo?"

"Mom!" the voice comes again, and Maura rushes down the hallway towards it, pausing for a split second before throwing open the door of the coat closet.

Zoe is there. One of Maura's coats is thrown over her head like a hood, and she peers up into Maura's face with a proud, adorable little smile. "Mommy!" she says happily, "play!"

Maura sinks to her knees in the doorway, relief making it impossible to stand. "Oh, God," she says quietly, reaching out for the toddler, "What are you doing in here?" Her voice is still too high, too harsh, And Zoe's smile falters a little. She looks the way Jane does when Maura doesn't understand her sarcasm.

"Play?" she asks. "Wanna play tha new game?" she reaches up and pulls the coat down over her face, giggling quietly. Then she lies down, and is still.

"Oh," Maura says, realization flooding her. "_Oh_, no, Zoe." She reaches out to pull the coat off of the little girl, because even though she watched Zoe disappear underneath it, not being able to see her is making Maura's hands shake. "No, honey…it's not a game."

Zoe sits up and uses both hands to push her hair out her eyes. "Not game?"

Maura shakes her head and opens her arms, and the little girl scrambles forward to sit in her lap.

"You cryin?" Zoe looks up at Maura, speaking around her thumb.

The doctor can only nod.

"You gotta boo boo? You wan me get boo boo bunny?"

Maura chokes on her laugh, using her free hand to wipe at her eyes. "Thank you sweetheart," she says, clearing her throat. "No, I'm not injured. I just got a little frightened."

Zoe considers this, twirling some of Maura's hair around her finger. "What scared?" She asks after a moment, and Maura responds without thinking.

"I didn't know where you were," saying those words out loud, make some of the panic rush back, and Maura shudders involuntarily.

Zoe's lip quivers. "Zo scared?"

Maura is unsure whether the toddler is asking if she's the reason the doctor is scared, or if she, Zoe, should _be _scared. Either way, she shakes her head, bending to kiss Zoe's temple.

"No," she forces a smile, and Zoe smiles widely back at her, which turns her smile genuine. "No, there's nothing to be afraid of. You're okay…I'm okay…everything's okay."

Zoe nods emphatically. "you! okay! me! oh-kay!" she says, turning it into a cheer. "Ev'ry thin! kay!"

This time, Maura's laugh is smooth. She kisses Zoe again. "You're just my little cheerleader, aren't you," she whispers. "I don't know what I would do without you."

Zoe makes a contented noise and sticks her thumb back in her mouth.

They're still there on the floor twenty minutes later, when Frost knocks on the front door. Zoe had fallen asleep in her lap, and Maura still felt too shaky to stand without waking her.

"Maura?" Frost sticks his head around the doorframe, looking cautious.

"Shh," she says from the floor, and he looks down, alarmed.

"Are you okay?" his whisper is urgent, and he slips in the door and crouches down next to her. "Is Zoe okay?"

"Yes," Maura says quietly, "yes, we're fine. Help me?"

He helps her up to her feet, and once she is standing, he opens his mouth to speak but she puts her hand up and heads into the living room, depositing the still sleeping toddler on the couch. From there, she heads into the kitchen, gesturing that Frost should follow her.

"Maur," he says once they are out of earshot of Zoe. "What were you doing on the fl-"

"We need to move," she cuts him off, turning from the refrigerator to face him. She wasn't aware that these were the words she was going to say until they are out of her mouth. Now that she has spoken, however, she realizes that she has never meant anything more. "We need to move," she says again. "The girls and I. This week."

Frost looks at her, taken aback. "Move?" He asks confusedly, "to where? Maura, why were you and Zoe on the floor? Did something hap-"

"She thinks it's a game, Barry," Maura bursts out, and when he looks even more confused, she rushes on, trying not to cry. "Zoe. She thinks that what happened…that hiding in the closet and getting covered with clothing is a game! So she keeps slipping away from me and hiding in closets because she thinks it's funny." She pauses, and Frost sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "And every time she does it, I…I'm convinced that I'll never find her. I'm…I….she's so cognitively ahead of her age. She understands that in a game of hide and seek, she has to remain quiet and out of sight…which…is wonderful for her developmentally, but she's wreaking havoc on my nerves. I can't…" She stretches out her hands, trying to find the words that will accurately describe the depth of her panic, to turn around and find Zoe gone. Nothing comes, but it doesn't matter because Frost nods, reaching out to take one of her hands.

"I get it," he says softly. "I get it…This house was too big before all this." he bites his lip, thinking, and Maura expects him to pull his hand out of hers but he doesn't.

They are silent for a moment, Frost thinking, and Maura trying to resist the urge to check on Zoe in the living room.

"You know," Frost says after a while, "There are executive apartments near the precinct…we've set witnesses up there a couple of times," He looks at her, shrugging. "Not anything overly fancy…but they're totally furnished and…they're smaller than this."

Maura nods gratefully. "I just need to get out of here," she says quietly.

"Well, we could set you up at a Super 8, Doctor, if you'd rather," Frost says, and his apprehension melts into relief when she laughs.

"Let's not lose our heads," she says, and because he is there, because he has not let go of her hand, she draws him into a hug.

It has been seventeen days since Jane killed both Jason Catronio and Charles Hoyt, and saved Maura's life, and fifteen days since Maura returned home with the girls and attempted to pick up where they left off.

Fifteen days of a morning routine that she has to do herself, of losing mittens, and socks, of endless laundry and endless cooking and endless days that fade into night terrors only to shriek back into day again at first light.

Maura shakes her head. She holds herself together.

She lifts the kettle off the stove and flashes three different tea bags at Frost, ripping open the Earl Grey at his gesture.

"You know," he says after a moment, "I was talking to the benefit rep at the precinct. She says the girls are covered under Jane's insurance…they could get counselling…if they needed it."

Maura pushes his cup at him and wraps her hands around her own mug, sighing deeply. "Maya does," she says after a moment. "Everything we do is a ten minute fight. Maya put your shoes on, Maya take your coat off, Maya don't slam the refrigerator door…" Marua sighs again, "But then at night, she's a different kid. Wetting the bed, calling for Jane…won't let me go. Every time I drop her off at school or with Angela I have to tell her repeatedly that I'll be back."

Frost smiles ruefully, "I see," he says. "Sort of like: I love you, now leave me alone."

Maura smiles too, "exactly. And understanding it doesn't make it any easier to deal with."

Frost contemplates his mug before speaking again, slowly. "The rep also said…you know, she said we could probably slip you in there too, Maura. If," he falters, "If, I mean, if you think that's something you should do."

She laughs at his delivery, but really, she is overwhelmingly touched by his attention, by the way he appears everyday, without being asked, to check on the three of them.

"I have my own insurance," she says gently, so he knows he's not being rebuffed, "and I'm going to go," she pauses, wondering when between chasing after children and visiting Jane she will find the time. "I have every intention of going," she modifies, "I just…we need things to slow down a little, around here…" in another part of the house, down the hall, something snaps and creaks. A loose shutter or a branch against a window. Maura jumps and scalds her hand with tea.

"But first," she says, reaching for the dish towel. "We need to move."

Frost grins at her.

"On it."

…

…

_A child in her arms, and then two, both of them pushing at her, into her, squealing with delight. With delight?_

_Yes, with delight._

_She is on her knees, she is hugging them back, she can barely see them for the tears in her eyes._

_"__Darlings," she manages, and then she's buried her face in Maya's hair and she can't say anythign else._

_"__Mommy!" the name has stuck. Maya can't stop saying it. "Mommy! Mommy! I want to go home. Where have you been?"_

_"__Mommy?" Zoe sounds puzzled and pleased and entirely whole. She stands and they are both still in her arms._

_Should she be holding them both like this?_

_It doesn't matter, it feels wonderful._

_And now that they are here, are in her arms and are not going anywhere else, she can see that there are other people in the room too. Barry Frost is there, and he looks happier than she's ever seen her. Angela is there too._

_And she looks furious._

_"__You look good, Maura," Barry says, stepping forward. You feel okay?"_

_Zoe's heels dig into her hip. "I feel much, much better now," she says, grinning at him. She squeezes Maya around the middle. "I missed you two."_

_Maya's smile is a little slow to arrive. She puts her head down on Maura's shoulder. "We missed you," she says after a moment. "Where's Mama?"_

_It is this moment that Angela decides to step in. She moves forward, holding her arms out for one of the children. Maura doesn't know if it is her, or the girls who tighten their grip first._

_"__We talked about this, Maya, remember? Mommy's getting better in the hospital. As soon as she's well enough, she'll come and be with you again."_

_Maya pulls back to look at Maura, as if for verification. The doctor nods discreetly, but she still sees Angela's eyes narrow._

_"__Can we go home?" Maya asks, sighing as her head drops back down onto Maura's shoulder._

_"__Yes," she says, at the same moment Angela steps closer and says. "Of course, honey."_

_Angela looks at Maura meaningfully, but the doctor deliberately misses the hint. Angela clears her throat. "I…I uh thought that…in your condition, it would be easier if I kept watching the girls," She says, her voice gentle and a bit condescending. "Just until Jane is better and can decide what they are all going to do."_

_It's the end of that sentence that makes Maura bristle. She shifts both girls out of Angela's reach, not caring that the action makes her arms burn._

_"__They're going to stay with me, at home," She says firmly, not caring that the girls are listening, or that the color is rising in Angela's cheeks. "It's where they belong."_

_The older Rizzoli considers Maura for a moment before responding, clearly reevaluating._

_"__The home your speaking of," she says quietly, "Is where my daughter and grandchildren were attacked less than a week ago. You can understand why I'm hesitant to let them-" _

_"__Jane and I were attacked," Maura hisses, and Maya's arms around her contract even more. "And I won't have this conversation in front of the grandchildren you wish to protect."_

_Angela flushes even more, taking a step back, as Maura bends to set both children on the floor._

_"__Go with Uncle Frost," she says to Maya, who looks up at her like she would rather do anything else in the world._

_"__Maya," Maura does not know where this new voice came from, but it sounds like authority, like a mother, and so she uses it now, without thinking. "Go with Frost and then we'll go home, alright?"_

_Maya looks a little consoled, but she continues to appraise the doctor, searching her face for a lie. Maura cannot lie. She has never been so sure of her next sentence as she is right now._

_"__Give me a moment with Gramma, and then we'll go home. I promise."_

_Appeased, Maya takes her little sister's hand. Zoe smiles up at Maura cheerfully._

_"__Bye, Mommy," she waves._

_Maura is choked up instantly. "Bye baby. See you in a moment."_

_Frost shoots Maura a look over his shoulder as he leads the kids off and around the corner, and the moment the girls disappear, Angela and Maura are talking, their voices low and harsh, so that they aren't overheard._

_"__I know you think you have some sort of right to those children because my daughter was enamored with you, but you've got to think of what's best…"_

_"__I know you are just trying to help, and that you are frightened and worried about Jane, but there are two little girls who have limited understanding about this situation and like it or not," Maura raises her voice, speaking over Angela's protests, confident that Barry would have moved the children far enough away by now._

_"__Like it or not, Angela, your grandchildren have come to rely on me as a second parent. They know me better than they do you. They have established routines with me. Why should we disrupt them further?"_

_Angela stares at her, mouth still open in the middle of her sentence. "They…" she sputters. "They are mine!"_

_Maura feels that possession too. Feels it building inside her chest like a drum beat. But she holds it at bay. "They are Jane's," she says calmly, and Angela looks furious at her for her self control. "They are Jane's and we need to do what Jane would want. Regardless of whether or not you agree with it."_

_There had been nothing to say after that except for Maura to suggest that Angela watch the girls while she visited Jane, which she does, and the doctor watches as new fury washes over Angela's face at her graciousness._

_"__I'm their grandmother," she says weakly, as they head out of the little alcove and look down the hall towards the girls._

_Maya looks around at them and her smile is faster this time. "Mommy!" she calls._

_And Maura doesn't even have to answer._

…

…

"Hello, Dr. Isles, You're back a little early this afternoon," The head nurse is behind the desk at the nurses station when Maura walks through the double doors.

"The girls settled with their grandmother faster today," she says, and the woman falls into step beside her as they head down the hall to Jane's room. "Any change?"

The nurse, whose name is Patricia, gives an encouraging smile that feels more practiced than genuine. "She seems more alert," she says after a slight hesitation, "and she tracked Nina when she came in to do her normal check up."

"But she hasn't said anything," Maura says, keeping her voice firm and professional.

Pat bites her lip for a split second. "No, Doctor. Nothing yet."

They stop outside Jane's door. "And how is she with contact? Any change?"

Pat shakes her head slowly. "No, Doctor Isles," she says quietly. "She's still very adamant that nobody touch her."

The hospital room is large and sunny, Maura turned down three rooms before they showed her this one. The bed is in the corner, by the window, and there's an armchair and a bookcase near by. It's comfortable, as far as hospital rooms go, clearly made for a long term stay.

Maura sits down in her normal seat by the bed. Jane doesn't look at her. Today is day twenty three. Maura, Zoe and Maya have moved temporarily into business suites across from the precinct. It is just three rooms, a kitchen/living room, and two bedrooms, apart from the bathroom, but Maura feels much more settled. She wonders how she got along at all, before the Rizzolis, in that big empty house all by herself. How did every noise not make her jump?

Maura finishes explaining to Jane about the move, how the girls share a room and keep her up giggling half the night, and then for a while they just sit there, like they do everyday. Jane stares at nothing and Maura stares at Jane, trying to figure out where in her subconscious she's gotten lost.

But then Maura opens her mouth again. She is tired of being silent, and she is tired of waiting for something, anything, to happen.

"I swore at your daughter today." It's not how she means to start the new conversation, but something about seeing Jane sitting there, seeming so calm and serene, while she spent the morning repeating the same command over and over, makes her angry.

Jane blinks, and her shoulders tense, but she doesn't move.

"Maya," The doctor continues. "I didn't swear at her, per se…She was running through the apartment, screaming like a banshee and I needed her to put her shoes on."

Maura glances at Jane and then away, "She wouldn't…as you probably already know…she's extremely strong willed and she, she misses you." Maura doesn't add that she misses Jane too. She doesn't see the point.

"Anyway. I was trailing along after her, calling out that she had to put her shoes on, that we were going to see Gramma, and that she had to be a good girl. And she's just running around and around, shouting, 'why? why? why?' and Zoe's copying her…and I'm frazzled and we're running late…" Maura takes a deep breath, looking down at her hands tightly clasped in her lap. "And so I got in front of her, as she ran around the couch for the umpteenth time, and I said, 'Maya, put the damn shoes on. Right now!"

Retelling the story makes the doctor feel torn between laughter and tears. "And she looks up at me," she continues, "with these eyes. Like I've just ruined her life."

Maura sighs again, pulling a hand free to run it through her hair. "I've told you about the fight that Angela and I had, when I was discharged. I told you how I fought to keep them with me, Jane." Maura leans forward a little, searching the brunette's face for any sign of emotion. "I did that because I thought that's what you wanted. Because I thought it would make you more comfortable and because I…I love those girls like they're my own."

Maura pushes herself out of the chair, unable to stay seated when her emotions are like a hurricane in her chest. "But they don't understand what's happening, especially Maya, and it's…It's not fair. What you're doing to us."

There. That's the heart of it. Maura feels infinitely lighter once the words are out of her mouth.

"You don't get to sit here and…and waste away while I try to come up with excuses for why they can't see you. Zoe is _dying_ to see you, Jane. She asks about you almost hourly. She draws pictures _exclusively _of you." Maura pauses, wondering momentarily if she should stop, but she finds she cannot. If she alone cannot wake Jane up, maybe the invocation of her children can. "The other day, I told Maya that you were getting your hands fixed."

Out of the corner of her eye, Maura sees Jane twitch, but she doesn't stop speaking. "I told her that you had owies on your hands and that you were away getting them fixed so that you could use them again to tuck her in and tickle her and cut the crusts off her sandwiches. Do you know what she said to me?" Maura turns so she is fully facing Jane, and is a little startled to see that the brunette has her head bowed. She moves back over to her chair and sits down, leaning forward again to look into Jane's face.

"She said that if you came home, she could put her arms through your sleeves and be your hands."

Jane's shoulders shake, but Maura doesn't stop.

"'I can be Mama's hands. I wouldn't even mind.'"

Jane sniffs, and she shakes her head once, eyes closed.

Maura takes a chance. She reaches out quickly and puts a hand on Jane's knee. The brunette shudders and tries to jerk away, but Maura doesn't let her.

"Stop," she says quietly. "It's just me."

Jane shakes her head again, and her eyes squeeze tighter. "I-" she licks her lips and tries again, her voice rough and low from weeks of disuse. "I can't."

Maura resists the urge to throw her arms around Jane's neck. Instead, she nods encouragingly. "Can't what?" she prompts, when Jane doesn't continue. "What can't you do, sweetheart?"

Jane grits her teeth, her whole body tense, but she answers, each words sounding like it's costing her every bit of willpower she has.

"Look at you," she grinds out.

Maura pulls her hand away from Jane's knee like she's been burned. She tries to fight the tears that sting at the back of her eyes, but she can't. They leak out and roll down her cheeks. Jane is crying too, her eyes shut like she can't bear to see the reaction her words have caused.

The doctor tries to find logic inside her head, but it is like looking for puzzle pieces underwater. She takes a breath, trying to stop everything from spinning. _Jane has suffered the same trauma twice,_ she tells herself. _She has double the survivors guilt and double the post traumatic stress._

But this time no one died. This time she saved Maura.

This time she…

This time.

"Oh," Maura says, and her voice is heavy with the effort of holding back sobs. She tries to think of something to say, but nothing comes.

She has catalogued hundreds and hundreds of wounds, theorized on hundreds of causes of death, lengths of time passed before death. The worst wounds always seemed to be the things that stabbed, that pierced the skin and allowed the victim to lie in agony for minutes before death arrived to relieve him. She'd often winced inwardly at the victims who came in with stab wounds, what a horrible, painful way to go.

But this, this sitting here with Jane, hearing those words…_understanding_ them. she is sure it pales in comparison.

She was not aware that something that did not pierce her skin could hurt so much.

She gets up, thinking of leaving, thinking of collecting the kids from their grandmother's and taking them to the new apartment they call home. Three spare rooms with tiny closets and just the essentials. Not enough room to lose a child, though still vast enough to lose oneself.

It occurs to Maura briefly that maybe she should not collect Maya and Zoe, that perhaps, in light of Jane's revelation, she should leave them where they are and…what? try to continue on without them?

She has taken a shaky step towards the door, and is in the process of trying to shut down her panic at this newest realization when something bats at her hand.

She turns abruptly to see that Jane is standing. She is unsteady on her feet, and standing, she looks narrow and sharp, like Maura could cut herself on the brunette's skin accidentally. Maura looks down to see what's batting at her, and just manages to hold in her gasp. It's Jane's hand, or, the bandages that make up Jane's hand.

She's trying to take Maura's hand in her own.

Maura gapes at the bundle of bandages as they come towards her again, knocking clumsily against her hand, lifting up her palm a bit, and jerking back abruptly.

"Please," Jane's voice is tires on grit. It sounds painful, but she doesn't clear her throat before trying again.

She takes a wobbly step closer, swallowing so hard that Maura can see every muscle involved in the action.

"Please. Don't. Go."

And Maura steps forward and takes the detective in her arms, holding onto all of her: too skinny, too shaky, too damaged, too contradictory.

But here. Maura shuts her eyes tight, fingers pulling at shoulders, waist, anything she can reach.

Oh, she's here.

She is here.


	24. Chapter 24

The days drag by.

The day after Jane speaks for the first time, she shuts herself away in her room, and when Maura comes the next day, she refuses to see her. It happens the day after that, and the next day too, and the doctor is at a loss. She falls into a routine that does not require her entire brain, and for several weeks she finds that she is going through the motions like a zombie. Get up, get dressed, wake the girls, cook breakfast, and fight about outfits, and on and on. It goes this way for an entire week, for longer, until Maya wakes in the night screaming for Jane, and will not let Maura touch her.

"You told me Mama could come home!" She wails, while the doctor sits on the end of her bed, hands outstretched. "You told me she could come home and now we would be a family again and we're not. You're a liar."

Zoe had whimpered from the bed across the room. "No yelling, my-my," she'd called pitifully, and Maura had had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming.

"She will, babygirl," Maura had said, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "She'll come home. I promise."

"When?" Maya had fallen back against her pillow, too tired to keep her tantrum up. "When, Mommy? I don't _believe_ you anymore."

Honestly, Maura didn't know if she'd believed her own words either.

…

The attending and the physical therapist are in agreement that Jane can be discharged from the hospital any day. Her bruises have all healed, and the broken rib she sustained from being slammed back against the wall has healed nicely. They are both in agreement that she can go home.

Her psychologist disagrees.

For nine whole days days, Jane has been shut up in her room, refusing visitors and meals, saying nothing. Today, Maura Isles is refusing to leave without seeing her.

"She needs to come home," Maura says to the psychologist, a slight woman with skin like melted caramel. "She needs to be surrounded by family and friends, and realize that her actions were not only necessary, but heroic and extremely brave. She has little girls to think of," She says, ignoring the urge to add, _and me. She has to think of me._

"With all due respect, Dr. Isles," the psychologist begins, "Jane is still emotionally volatile. She's still dealing with the setback in her career, as well as the guilt and responsibility she feels for the events that took place in your basement. Pushing her to understand those truths, even though they are truths, might have devastating effects on her psyche."

Maura just manages not to narrow her eyes. She hates the phrase 'with all due respect'. It often makes her think that the person she is speaking to has no actual respect for her at all. She manages a thin smile, and the psychologist smiles back nervously.

"She's brooding," Maura says, "that is just as damaging to her psyche as being thrust prematurely back into her life. Besides, that is not what I am suggesting. I am not suggesting that I bring her home today and that she never return for any kind of treatment. I am simply insisting that I see her."

"She's refusing to see anyone," the psychologist says slowly, looking a little alarmed when Maura steps forward anyway.

"She's frightened. She's proud and she's private and she's frightened. I understand her reluctance to see me, and even her possible confusion over how she feels towards any of us." Maura takes another step forward, towards the door of Jane's room.

"But I will see her," she continues, meeting the other doctor's nervous eyes. "And it would not be wise to try and stop me."

For a second, it looks as though the psychologist _is _going to try, but then she sighs heavily and steps aside, and Maura pushes her way though the heavy door and into Jane's room.

The room is too cold, and Maura looks around to see the window in the corner is thrown open on the frigid morning air.

"It's freezing in here," Maura says, wrapping her arms around herself. Jane is sitting in her armchair, and when she hears Maura's voice, she turns, her face momentarily registering surprise before slipping into something akin to fear.

"What are you doing here?"

Yes, Maura thinks. That tone is fear. "I came to see you," she says quietly. "I wanted…to see you."

It catches Jane off guard, Maura can tell, and she sees Jane lean towards giving in, and then reject the idea completely.

"Well I don't want to see you," she says, and the rage she uses to cover her insecurity is almost convincing.

"Yes you do," Maura says calmly. "You're just frightened."

Jane advances quickly, menacingly, eyes a little out of focus, and it takes all of Maura's willpower not to step backwards. "Get out," she growls. "Get out of here."

"I am not afraid of you, Jane Rizzoli," she says fiercely. "What are you going to do? Are you going to hit me? Yell at me? You don't scare me nearly as much as you scare yourself. You don't scare me at all."

Jane's chest heaves, but she doesn't say anything.

Maura takes the opening. "Why are you hiding from me? From everyone? Are you angry because I'm not Katherine? DO you wish I were her? Is that what you're doing in here? Reliving all of this and just wishing I was her." She's saying anything now, trying to get a rise out of the woman in front of her, trying to make her talk. There is no one in the world but the two of them. Jane turns away, her shoulders pulling up towards her ears. Maura reads tension, reads struggle.

She should stop. She should apologize, and reach out and try to take Jane in her arms. Comfort her.

"You are not invincible," she hisses instead, and even if there are tears in her eyes, her voice sounds cold and angry. "I do not believe you are invincible or untouchable, and you don't get to play at it. Not around me, and not at the cost of your children."

Jane's hands make half fists. She shivers with the effort of holding her silence.

"You could have _died," _Maura rages again, "you could have let him kill you. You could have given up on your daughters and your brothers. Your partner…on me. But you didn't die. You saved yourself and you saved me, and now I'm supposed to just stand by and let you disappear anyway? You must be out of your fucking mind."

The swear catches both of them off guard, and Jane stares at Maura like they are strangers. Then Jane shakes her head. Her struggle seems to be internal, focused on voices that Maura can't hear.

"No," she says hoarsely. "No. You don't love me."

"Of course I love-" Maura begins incredulously.

"No!" Jane cuts across her. "You love an image of me. And that person doesn't really exist. Not anymore. Isn't it obvious?"

Maura pauses for a moment, sizing the other woman up. "I love you," she says calmly.

Jane rolls her shoulders. "You love that I am a detective."

"I love that you are compassionate," Maura counters.

"You love that I am strong. That I have a tough skin."

Maura shakes her head, taking a step forward. "I love that you rock Zoe to sleep. I love how gentle you are when you put your arms around me."

"You love that I protect you."

"…I love that you are dedicated to keeping the people you love safe."  
Jane blinks at the rewording, and for a moment her face seems to register understanding, and maybe even belief. But then the moment has passed, and her features darken again, her eyes out focus.

"Jane," Maura says, trying to keep her voice firm even when panic is like bile in the back of her throat. "Sweetie, don't-"

"DON'T," the detective whirls on Maura, one finger outstretched, and the doctor watches as fury flares up into pain and then fizzles out into despair.

"Don't you call me that. Just don't…" She closes her eyes, like she could make everything disappear. When she opens them she looks sad and disappointed. "I can't be that person," she says quietly. "I don't…I don't know what you want from me."

Maura holds her hands out. "I want you to talk to me. I want you to want to see me," she pauses, in case Jane wants to say anything to her, but the brunette does not appear to be listening. She's staring down at her hands, and her face is a mask of remembering.

For a moment, Maura is back in the basement too, screaming with Jane as the scalpel sank through her palm.

"We were both there," she says into the silence. "And we're both here now."

Jane makes a shoulder movement like flicking off a fly.

Maura feels anger rumbling in her chest again, and she tries to hold it at bay. She has to, if they are going to get anywhere. "That doesn't matter to you?"

Jane moves to the window, but Maura can tell she's not seeing anything. "It wasn't supposed to happen," she mumbles, and the anger inside Maura overflows, white hot and spurred along by hurt.

"It happened," she hisses. "And now you have to come to terms with it. With me."

"I can't."

"You don't have a choice. We survived."

"Then I wish I hadn't."

The moment she says it, she looks like she regrets it. She looks up at Maura who stares back at her, dry eyed. "Yesterday," she begins, trying a different approach, "when Maya was in her therapy session-"

But Jane's head snaps around to look at the doctor. "What?" she asks urgently.  
Maura blinks, repeating herself. "Yesterday, I took Maya to her therapy session, and-"

"You put my kids in therapy?" she sounds outraged.

Maura stares at her, trying to comprehend where this new anger is coming from. "Yes," she says simply.

"I did."

"You don't get to make decisions like that," Jane pushes against the window sill, and her face registers pain. Maura doesn't stop her. "You don't get to. Those…those aren't your kids"

In front of Angela or Frankie, even in front of Frost, Maura can let that sentence go. They haven't been in her house, or with her every day. They don't see her dress Maya in the morning, or hold Zoe after a bad dream. She can nod and smile and defer to Jane.

But not now.

"Like hell they aren't" she says, and if her voice is trembling, it's because of her fury, not because of her fear. "Who's been taking care of them, Jane? Who gets them up and puts them to bed and brushes their hair? Who feeds them," she pauses, wondering, but Jane shakes her head, and she can't possibly hold back now.

"Who do they call mommy?"

Silence.

Both women are breathing hard, and Maura feels lightheaded, like she's entered into a marathon that she hasn't trained for. She holds her hands out and then lets them fall back against her sides. A gesture of hopelessness.

"Maya is six, Jane. She understands some of what's happening. She needs an outlet and a trained professional to help her-"

"She needs her mother," Jane cuts her off.

Maura shakes her head, "Well I've tried to give her that, haven't I…but you haven't exactly been chomping at the bit to see her."

Jane looks like she's going to go at Maura again, but then she decides against it, turning and striding the three steps to her armchair and throws herself down into it, lifting her battered hands up into her hair with a grunt of discomfort. She sits almost sideways, her legs up and over one arm of the chair, and she presses her hands against her scalp, eyes shut tight.

"It wasn't supposed to," she says lowly, and all the fight seems to drain out of her. She looks deflated, wrung out.

Maura hesitates for a moment and then follows, dropping to her knees in front of the chair.

"Honey," she says quietly, hoping the new pet name doesn't set her off again. "Jane."

When the detective is combative, when she is raging and fighting and pushing back, Maura can be strong. She can give into her own anger and yell and swear right back. Anything to keep Jane with her, anything to keep her from disappearing inside herself.

But now that the Jane is tired, now that she appears to be giving up and retreating again, all Maura can feel is her fear.

"It wasn't supposed to happen," Jane's voice comes through tight lips, despondent. "It wasn't supposed to happen."

Maura nods. "It happened," she says without heat.

"I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you. I wasn't supposed to…bring this…to hurt you…"

Maura puts her hands on Jane's thigh, careful not to press too hard.

"It happened," she says again, "but don't you think for one second that you hurt me."

They stay like that for a long can hear Jane breathing beside her, and her own heart beating hard in her chest. They are the only two people in the world.

Except,

"I used to think about what would have happened. If she had lived," everything Jane says these days is a growl.

"Yes?" Maura tries to sound encouraging. "That's natural."

Jane nods, half listening. "Yeah. When I was in the hospital. The first time…I used to wish and wish that I had managed it…somehow." Jane lifts her head and looks at Maura. It's the first time all session, the first time in _weeks_, that they have looked at each other directly, both of them lucid and calm.

"But after a while," she continues, "I realized that if she had lived…we wouldn't have recovered. She would have…" Jane stops, unable to say it. She shakes her head, "it wouldn't have worked out. Even if she had lived." She pulls her hands out of her hair and looks at them, and there are unshed tears in her eyes.

Unbeknownst to the detective, Maura has watched Jane at work in her rehab class, as she painstakingly snapped snaps and zipped up zippers…tied the laces on dozens of nonexistent shoes. Fine motor control is what it's called, but when Jane did it, it looked like torture. Watching Jane do it had felt like torture.

"But you're their mother, too," Jane says, pulling Maura back into the present, and for a moment she thinks she hasn't heard correctly.

"What?"

Jane nods, looking into Maura's eyes again. "You're their mother, too, now. And even if you don't want me anymore. You can still have them. You can still….see them." Her voice breaks and she clenches her jaw.

And realization crashes over maura like a tidal wave.

She reaches out and takes Jane's hand in her own. She is without bandages, and her skin against Maura's makes the doctor shiver involuntarily. "Listen to me," she says, and Jane's eyes come up to meet hers.

"Nothing that has happened has made me want you any less, do you hear me?"

A tear slips down Jane's cheek, and Maura uses her thumb to wipe it away carefully. Maura squeezes Jane's hand carefully. "Nothing."

Jane tugs on Maura's hand and the doctor obeys immediately, standing and then sitting down on Jane's lap, slowly and tentatively, looking up into the dark eyes for any hint of pain. Once settled, she leans to the side, gently tucking her head underneath Jane's chin. The bruises Hoyt left are long since faded, but Maura feels the need to be gentle with Jane, to show her that she does not believe that her healing is only skin deep.

"Maur," She's never liked to cry, not even when the situation calls for it.

"That's right," she says quickly, firmly. "Maura. I'm not Katherine," she says quietly, unable to keep her eyes open when Jane's fingers slide into her hair. "And you don't have to stop loving her. You don't have to choose, Jane, but you have to let her go. You have to stop blaming yourself."

Jane pulls in a breath that is the precursor to tears, but she doesn't let it out. Maura slides her hands under the brunette's shoulders, holding on. "I don't need the same things she needed from you," she whispers against Jane's trachea. "But I do need you. I need you so much that sometimes it's like all of my senses have stopped working."

Jane pulls Maura closer, an action that makes her flinch, but she doesn't stop.

"Oh," Maura says quietly as the brunette starts to cry. "Oh, Jane."

"My hands," Jane whispers into Maura's hair.

"I know, beautiful. I know. I'm so sorry."

"I don't know what comes next. And I'm scared." Jane says the words quickly, but audibly, and Maura wonders if it's easier for her because they aren't face to face.

"I'm scared too," she admits. "When I can't reach you. When you're so far away."

"Not when I yell?"

Maura shakes her head. "No," she says firmly. "It doesn't scare me when you yell. It scares me when you go quiet."

There is silence as Jane contemplates this, her hands still working idly in Maura's hair.

"I want to come home," she says quietly, and it occurs to Maura that Jane is afraid that Maura will turn her away. "I…Can I come home, Maura?"

Maura presses her face into Jane's neck, letting the other woman's skin mop up a few of her stray tears. She opens her mouth to speak and what comes out is a mixture of sigh and sob, part humor part hurt.

"Can I?"

Maura presses her lips to the hollow of Jane's throat. "Yes," she says feeling the other woman relax back into the chair.

"Yes yes yes of course. Come home."


	25. Chapter 25

She shouldn't pick it up, but she does.

She tries very, very hard to ignore it, and for the first few days…for the first two weeks even, she is successful.

Jane comes home three days after Maura bullies her way past the psychologist. There is no part of her that is broken. She has not been shot or beaten, the way she was the last time Charles Hoyt attacked her, but her hands are still tender and fragile. Maura helps her up the stairs of the new building, holding tight to her upper arm, and when they make it to the front door, the doctor makes Jane hold her hands up over her chest, above her heart, to stop the painful throbbing she knows must be happening.

The girls are ecstatic at their mother's return. They dance around her like she is the best present they have ever received. And when Jane drops to her knees to hug them, Zoe throws her arms unabashedly around her mother's neck, squealing.

"Mama!" she says, and then she backs up and points from Maura to Jane, her eyes bright and teary. "Mommy!" she says, "Mama! Mommy!"

She is three, and does not have the language to express what she wants, and so instead, she runs to Maura and grabs her hand, dragging her over to Jane who is still on her knees, with an arm around Maya's waist.

"Mama! Mommy! Home! Mama home!"

Maura bends and picks Zoe up, holding her close, and after a moment Zoe bursts into tears, still smiling.

The doctor knows exactly how she feels.

Jane smiles up at her, and then looks at her oldest. Maya is looking back at Jane with a nervous little smile, keeping her distance.

"How about a hug, little b?" she asks quietly.

Maya puts her arms around her mother like she is made of glass and will not only shatter at her touch, but cut the little girl's skin as well.

Jane frowns. "That's not a hug, sweetness," she says dipping her head to look into Maya's eyes. "What about a real one?"

Maya shrugs. "Don't want to hurt you," she mumbles. "Just want to be glad you are home."

Maura thinks Jane has had practice at this, or else she wouldn't be able to keep her face so completely neutral.

"Well," she says slowly, "can I give you a real hug?"

Maya nods, and Jane scoops the child up off her feet, pulling her in close and tight, planting kisses all over her face and forehead.

Maya shrieks and giggles, and pushes at her mother's chest, trying to get away, until the pushing becomes pulling and she can't get close enough.

"I," kiss, "missed," kiss, "you," kiss, "so," kiss, "much, little bug!" Jane says. Punctuating each word with a loud kiss that makes Maya giggle each time. She hugs her mother tighter, and Jane's wince is only evident to the doctor.

"I missed you too, Mama. I missed you, I missed you."

"I'm here now." Jane looks up at Maura, who wishes she could ask the next question out of Maya's mouth herself.

"Promise?"

Jane closes her eyes. "I promise."

.

So for the first three days, four even, everything is fine. Or, for the first three days, four even, Maura _tells_ herself that everything is fine. They are adjusting. Jane needs time; eventually she will sleep wrapped around the doctor again, and kiss her good morning and good night. She will sit next to Maura on the couch while they watch TV after the kids have gone down.

They will _talk_ to each other.

But the days go by, and Jane remains aloof and distant. She follows the doctor to therapy, but she seems determined to speak as little as possible, while Maura says anything and everything she can think of.

She has made a promise to herself that she would not hold anything back from Jane. She is of the belief that they will only survive this if they continue to communicate, but all the progress Jane made in their conversation before coming home seems to be gone.

At the behest of their therapist, Jane buys a tiny red spiral notebook in which to record her thoughts, and when she is not writing in it, it sits by the bedside table, catching Maura's eye like it is illuminated and flashing.

Her own journal is large and leather bound, and she spends hours each day recording her feelings meticulously and carefully, and she brings it with her to each therapy session in case Jane should ever want to know what she was feeling on a particular day.

But Jane seems less dedicated and serious about the recording of her innermost thoughts. Maura catches her jotting things down in the little book during a football game, or using her free hand to write something down while the other hand brushes her teeth.

It confuses and perplexes and infuriates her, and so she picks it up and she opens it, even though she knows she shouldn't, and she reads the first entry and then the second.

.

_Put too much cream in the coffee this morn._

_Hands can't control anything._

_Head can't either._

_._

_The new place reminds me of my old apartment_

_M. likes it._

_I try to like to too_

_Then I try to hate it._

_I can't manage either._

.

Maura shuts the little notebook quickly, heart pounding. She looks around at the doorway, maybe expecting to see Jane looking back at her, accusing. But there is no one there. The sound of the television is still coming from the living room, and the doctor knows that Jane is still on the couch, sleeping toddler on her chest, watching whatever NFL game happens to be on at the moment.

.

"She's not talking to me," Maura had said to the therapist, "She won't talk to me about what she's feeling. It makes me feel useless. I don't know what I'm doing."

"I'm not feeling anything," Jane had cut in before the therapist could respond. "I'm back with my kids, I'm back with you…I don't have anything to talk about."

"That can't be true!" Maura had thrown the therapist an incredulous look. She'd been angry that the woman hadn't immediately been on her side. She'd had to cajole and bargain and beg on a daily basis to get Jane into outpatient therapy, and now that they had arrived, the therapist seemed only vaguely interested in Jane's struggle.

"Wait, wait," the woman said, as Jane began to fire up. "No fighting. No fighting with each other when you are not really angry with each other. Jane, Maura finds it hard to believe that you feel nothing because she feels so much."

This had felt like an indictment. Maura had gritted her teeth, unwilling to break the prickly silence that fell after this statement

"She thinks I'm not trying," Jane had growled after a second. "I.." a long, long pause, "am."

"Are you keeping your journals? Both of you?"

"Yes," they'd said at the same time, and Maura had continued, "are we going to discuss the things we've written now?"

The therapist looked at Jane, who had stared at the carpet and hadn't responded.

In the car that afternoon, Maura had started the car and then turned it off again, turning in her seat to look at Jane.

"I can't help you if I don't know what's going on in your head," She'd said quietly. "I thought we'd decided that we were going to work through this."

Jane had made two slow fists and then straightened her fingers out. "I am trying," she'd said, and her voice was so low and so deliberate that Maura decided she was angry.

"You won't tell me how you feel."

Jane had opened her mouth and then shut it again, and then she'd shaken her head.

When they'd gotten home, Jane had scribbled in her notebook for thirty seconds before asking her children what they wanted for dinner.

Maura had felt hopelessness and fury like prisoners in her chest.

.

In the living room, the crowd of TV cheers, and Maura is pulled from her reverie with a jerk. She is still on the bed. She is still clutching Jane's little spiral notebook in her hands. She thinks about the three simple lines she's just read, about the shaking handwriting and the Haiku like shortness of the phrases. _Hands can't control anything. Head can't either._

Maura cracks the notebook open again.

.

_M wore the grey dress with the bow across the front._

_and the zip up the side._

_Shoulder's bare._

_I wanted to put teeth on her skin._

_She asked if I needed help with my buttons._

_I told her to leave me alone._

_I'm a fucking asshole._

.

Sometimes Jane will sleep on the couch. They always start together, in the king sized bed in the master suite, but sometimes, Maura will roll over in the middle of the night and find the other side empty, covers pushed back, pillow gone. One night she rolls over to the brunette's shadow disappearing around the doorjamb, and she struggles out of bed and follows.

Jane tosses the pillow onto the couch and then lets herself collapse onto the oversized cushions with a tiny little moan. Maura follows her, sitting on the edge of the coffee table and reaching out, her fingertips ghosting over Jane's shoulder blades.

"Go away."

"No."

Jane's muscles contract under her skin, and the doctor wonders at how delicate she is, how immeasurably strong.

"Go. Away."

"No."

Jane sits up quickly, like she's going to fight – physically fight – Maura for her solitude, but the blonde leans forward and presses her lips to Jane's before the other woman can push herself off of the couch, and Jane's whole body seems to melt at the contact.

She groans, and falls backwards, and Maura follows her, sliding her fingers into Jane's hair, pushing her back into the couch. Straddling her.

"No," Jane mumbles as her hips buck upwards against Maura. "No…no…God."

But Maura's mouth is tracing over the shell of her ear, down the curve of her neck, to her chest, and her hands are tracking upwards, under the brunette's shirt, mapping the shivering skin under her fingers, and she has no intention of stopping.

"You deserve me," she says between kisses that are too hard in their insistence and too weak in their meaning. "Stop punishing yourself. Stop punishing me for surviving. Stop fighting me."

"No," Jane says, "No." but she's already coming apart, already tightening her hold on Maura's waist, and the doctor has to hurry to press two fingers into the woman below her in time.

Jane bucks and groans again, and then is still, her chest heaving, and Maura leans her forehead against Jane's collarbone.

"I love you," she whispers, and for a moment, Jane doesn't breathe at all.

After that, when Jane leaves their bed at night, she sleeps in the girls' room, on the floor.

.

_Leave me. Get it over with._

_Fucking Christ. Please don't go._

_Get better. Just do it._

_Tell her._

_ Get better_

_Just_

_ get better._

_ ._

They take the girls to the park so that Angela can come see them, although Maura knows that she's really aching for a glimpse of her daughter, maybe even the chance to speak to her. So Maura chases Maya up and over the wooden play structure, while Jane and Angela push Zoe on the swing. The toddler shrieks with laughter, and every time she swings forward, she waves at her sister and Maura, crying out each time, as though this is an entirely new phenomenon.

"Hi mommy! Hi Maya!" They both wave back dutifully, and Maura watches Maya smile a sad, old little smile.

"She's so cute right, Mom?" Maya says, throwing her foot over one of the wooden support beams.

Maura reaches out a steadying hand to her daughter (her _daughter_) and nods, "You're both pretty cute in my book," she says, and Maya looks over her shoulder at the doctor with a look that is too understanding.

"Do you know what?" She asks, waiting patiently as Maura makes her own way over the beam.

"What?"

"I am pretty glad you didn't leave me, Mom."

The factual way that Maya says this almost makes Maura lose her footing. She comes down hard on the other side of the beam, and has to grab onto the side of the structure to keep herself from tumbling over.

Maya seems unperturbed. "I'm glad you didn't leave me and Zoe and Mama. She really needs you. She says so."

And before Maura can even think of the beginning of a response, Maya is off again. Running towards the tree house at the corner of the park, calling for the doctor to keep up. She looks over her shoulder, back towards Jane and Angela, and she sees that Jane is watching her go, face unreadable. Angela is still talking to her daughter, her face screwed up in concentration, like she doesn't want to mess anything up. Like every word is important.

.

_I dreamt she took our girls and disappeared._

_I dreamt she was better for them than I_

_ever could be._

.

It becomes a habit that Maura can't stop. When Jane is occupied with bath time, or there is a child asleep on her, or she's caught up in a sports game, Maura slips away and reads her journal. She begins to wonder if the detective was telling the truth when she said she wasn't feeling anything.

The entries are never more than a couple sentences, and while they illuminate the events that are important to Jane in some way, not one of them ever expresses an explicit emotion. Slowly, like they're sneaking up on an animal that's easily startled, her family begins to reenter her life. Frankie and Tommy come first and are received almost easily. Frankie brings Maya a football an a Patriot's jersey and Tommy brings a case of Sam Adams, and they spend the afternoon debating the merits of Tom Brady and the sins of Tim Tebow. They do not speak about what has happened, but as they leave the apartment, Frankie pulls Jane into a hug without even asking. When he finally lets her push him away, looking flushed and a little angry, he grins at her and says, "Thank you, Jane."

"For what, Frankie? Jesus," Jane asks, running her hand slowly through her hair.

"For letting us hang out with you. For letting us be what your normal is."

Jane doesn't answer, just waves him away, but the next day, when Maura opens the beat up old notebook, she sees that Jane has written a new entry:

_Brothers came._

_Brothers came to see me._

_My brothers came._

_ To see me and to make sure I was okay._

….

One day, while Jane and Frankie are watching the Patriots in the living room, Maura shuts herself in the bedroom under the pretense of taking a nap, slides into bed with the little red notebook.

It has been ten days since she's been able to find time to read it, and she finds that the detective has written over fifteen of the tiny entries into the book and the last three are the longest that Jane has ever written.

She notices that the handwriting is getting better, it is easier to read.

.

_Crappy country song played in the elevator today on my way to PT_

_I cried so hard I had to hit the emergency stop button and pull myself together._

_My chest still hurt when PT ended, but it took the focus away from my hands_

_It's been so fucking long. Why does it still feel like I'm drowning?_

_ ._

Maura stares at the words, oblivious to the noise from the other room, and the fact that Frost's voice has joined Jane and Frankie's in front of the TV. She stares at the words, at Jane's acknowledgement of her emotion. For once.

She skips the blank space to the next entry.

.

_M got up with the baby last night. I watched her rock her back to sleep._

_She sang, she doesn't think I heard._

_The more I think she won't run, the more I want to run._

_She got back into bed with me and she put her hand on my wrist for a minute._

_Maybe it was just to feel my heart beat because_

_After that she didn't touch me. I don't know…_

_I don't know what I wanted._

_So I held my knees instead of her._

_ ._

One of Maura's tears falls into the middle of the last sentence, and she uses the sleeve of her shirt to blot it, praying the ink doesn't run. She remembers the moment last night when Jane had pulled her knees up to her chest. She'd almost reached out and pulled the brunette to her, almost put her arms around the narrow waist and held on, but then, at the last moment, she'd thought better of it. They'd gotten along well that day, had cooked together that night, and at dinner, Jane had smiled across the table at her.

_I don't know…I don't know what I wanted._

Maura thinks of the moment in therapy, when Jane had said she was trying.

Maura hadn't believed her.

She looks down at the last entry in the notebook.

.

_She is beautiful. She is so beautiful._

_I love her so much, and when I look at her I know that I can hold onto this forever._

_I can hold onto it forever._

_I can hold onto her. I have to._

_I can keep it for both of us._

_He can stay just my nightmare. Forever._

.

Maura gasps as the full meaning of this entry washes over her, and then a creaking in the doorway makes her look up.

Jane is standing there, eyes wide, staring at her notebook, her _journal_ in Maura's hands.

"Oh," Maura says, and she stands up so quickly that the world spins. "No. NO! Jane!"

But the brunette is already striding back the way she came, back through the apartment and into the living room where Frankie and Frost turn bewildered looks on the two of them.

"I'm so sor-"

"Save it," Jane snarls. "Just save it."

"No!" Maura says, unsure whether anger or fear and shame are pushing her forward now. "No! What was I supposed to do? You won't talk to me. You won't sleep with me. You barely touch me…What am I supposed to _do?_"

"Trust me," Jane spits back. "The way I trusted you not to read my personal thoughts."

"What thoughts?" Maura cries derisively. "You mean the combined thirty sentences you've written in the past month? They hardly qualify Jane."

It's a low blow, and Frankie stands up at the look on Jane's face.

"We can't all write dissertations on our feelings doctor," Jane says, and Frost stands slowly too.

"I would have expected you to have at least the vocabulary of an eighth grader,_detective_," Maura shoots back.

"Woah," Frankie says, stepping in between the two women, "hang on there, Doc…"

"I'm _trying!" _Jane shouts, and Frost reaches out for her arm. "I am _fucking-_"

"Well your trying has to look a little bit more like the real thing!" Maura says. "You have to _help_ me, Jane. I don't know what you want!"

"I DON'T KNOW EITHER,"Jane bellows, and yanking her arm out of Frost's hand she spins on her heel and slams out the door.

Maura bursts into tears.

…

She wakes up to the feeling of someone tucking her in, someone brushing the hair off of her forehead and pressing her lips gently to Maura's forehead.

"Jane?" She breathes it without opening her eyes. She already knows the answer.

"Shh," the detective replies. "It's alright."

Maura feels disoriented. Her eyes feel swollen and sore from crying, and she is thirsty. She tries to recall the last thing that happened before she fell asleep, and is visited by the wholly unpleasant memory of Jane discovering her in their room, the red notebook open on her lap.

"Oh, God," she says, trying to sit up. "Jane, I'm so sorry," her voice sounds almost as deep and raspy as Jane's, and she clears her throat, and then coughs, trying again.

"I didn't mean those things I said…I didn't mean to read…I mean…I meant to. But I didn't want to hurt you. I just. I was so desperate to find out what you were thinking. I…I was impatient. I'm too impatient. I'm so-"

But Jane silences Maura's incoherence with her lips. A real kiss, deep and gentle and wonderful enough that Maura sighs against Jane's mouth.

The brunette pushes Maura back against the bed, her hands finding their way under the doctor's blouse, her lips kissing and kissing at the tender spot just under Maura's ear.

Maura moans quietly.

"Jane," she says, when it doesn't seem as though the other woman is going to slow down. "Honey…stop. I want to talk to-"

"Ask," Jane's breath is hot against her ear, making her shiver. "we have to do it this way," she breathes again, "I need to know you won't…that you are…" she shudders and then is still on top of the doctor, waiting. "Just ask, Maura."

And Maura understands. "Oh," she says, sliding her hands around the detectives back to rub at her shoulders. "Oh…okay…do you…do you still think about the basement?"

Jane's breathing hitches, but she nods against Maura's shoulder.

Maura bites her lip, feeling exhilarated. "Do you regret what happened down there? Do you wish things had ended differently?"

Jane presses closer to Maura, and her lips find skin again, this time against the doctor's neck. "I regret that I didn't get you out of there faster. I…I regret that I was weak."

Maura shakes her head, but loses her words when Jane bites at her shoulder, a little harder, a little rougher than they've done before.

"I'm here," she answers, and Jane bites her shoulder a little harder, making her gasp. "I'm right here. I'm real." She pauses, but Jane seems satisfied. She doesn't bite again.

"What are you afraid of?" Maura asks, closing her eyes against the sensation of Jane's leg between her own, of Jane's insistent movement against her, like the only way she can answer the question is if she is convinced of Maura's physical form underneath her.

"I am afraid of losing you," the answer is immediate. "I am afraid of not trying hard enough. Of not trying in a way that you can see." Jane's voice cracks on the end of her sentence.

"Oh, Jane," Maura says, and she can feel that the brunette is crying against her neck. "Oh, sweetheart. I know…I'm…I…I know."

Jane shakes her head, pressing harder against the doctor, who has to bite her lip to keep from moaning.

"Ask," Jane says again, and she is shivering, shaking against Maura like she's just come in from the cold. "Ask me the real thing…if you can…because…I n-n-need to tell you so that you can t-tell me it's not," she hesitates. Tries to hold herself still, but can't. "I need you to tell me. To tell…to… But…I won't – I won't hurt you with it if you're not- if you're not ready. I can keep it. I can be strong for both of us, Maura."

Maura runs her hands up the full length of Jane's back. She tilts her head and kisses Jane's ear, nodding.

"Jane," she says quietly. "What did he say to you?"

Jane trembles against her, unable to hold in a sob. Maura redoubles her hold.

_Get better. Just do it._

_Tell her._

_ Get better_

_Just_

_ get better._

"Let me help," she whispers. "Let me be with you. Tell me honey, beautiful…Jane."

Maura kisses Jane's temple, "Tell me," she whispers.

Jane presses against her, both hands pressed flat against the doctor's back. She pulls her closer.

"Tell me what he said," Maura whispers.

Jane does.


	26. The End

_Look at her. We both know the real cowardice is keeping her alive. 'Saving her.'  
We will never not be her nightmare.  
You're her new worst fear.  
I'll give your regards to Katherine._

…

It doesn't scare her as much as it shuts down all the parts of her brain that are not connected to the functioning of vital organs.

It's barely four sentences, but it makes the doctor go cold all over. It makes her shiver. Even with Jane pressed into her, above her like protection.

"Maura," Jane's voice is like broken concrete. It jabs at her, trips her up. "Maura, I don't want to be…I can't live with the idea that I-"

This pleading. This woman over her, needing her, imploring her really, is what returns her to reality.

"No," she says, pulling the dark head down to her shoulder. "No. No." She is aware that she sounds panicked, but she can't help herself.

Jane wraps her arms around Maura's waist, pulling them together so hard enough that it hurts. "Maura," she says.

"Shh," the doctor runs her fingers through Jane's long tangled hair. "Shh, he was wrong. He was so, so wrong, sweetness. I'm right here. I'm not leaving."

He was wrong, Maura thinks as she continues to whisper comfort into the detective's ear. He was wrong.

But how did he know. How did he pick these words to leave her with? How did he know what would stick, and what would wound?

"No," Maura says, and because she's been following her own train of thought, her voice is more forceful than she means it to be. Jane jumps against her.

"No," she says, softer this time, finding Jane's face and cupping both cheeks in her hands. "He is wrong. He doesn't know anything, least of all you."

Jane shudders. "Maura-"

"No, Jane. He expected you to carry this around with you, and never let it go."

Jane shakes her head, but doesn't interrupt. Maura keeps going. "He expected you to be too proud to admit you needed my help. To admit you needed anyone's help. He expected his words to get to you, and eat at you, and destroy you. Break us apart."

Jane convulses, and Maura holds tighter, knowing why. "But they didn't, Jane. Listen to me. They aren't going to. You are not my nightmare. You are…you are my knight and my world and my…everything. He couldn't take that away from Katherine by murdering her, and he can't take that away from me by leaving you with those hateful words."

Jane stops moving, Maura can feel her listening. She speaks again, without really planning her thoughts.

"He's a bastard," she says. "He's cunning and clever and he's good at getting in people's heads, Jane…but that's all it is. A mind game. He knew as long as he left those words with you, and you held onto them, he couldn't die. He would always be alive…somehow."

Jane shivers. Maura rubs her back again.

"Let it go. Let them go. Kill him."

Jane sniffs. "Kill him," she echoes softly.

"Stay with me," Maura whispers. "Stay with me, please. I can't think of any other place I'd rather be than here with you. And when I close my eyes, I don't see a nightmare. All I see is us together. How much we still have left to do…and it is the most beautiful dream I've ever had. Please. Beautiful. Kill him."

Jane holds onto her tightly, and starts to cry again.

.

"We could go away," Maura says, a little later, when they are both calmer, drifting between sleep and consciousness.

"What?"

"Yes," Maura likes the idea more and more as she continues to speak. "We could go someplace warm. You and me. And we could just sort of…be together."

There is a long pause, and then,

"Yeah," Jane says quietly, and Maura kisses the side of her head, and then both her cheeks, still wet with tears.

"We'll go, and we'll…just relax. Somewhere warm so your hands stop aching."

"They don't-"

"Jane," Maura shakes her head, and the brunette stops, dropping her eyes.

"Somewhere warm," she says quietly. "That sounds nice."

Maura wraps her arms around Jane's waist. "Can you sleep?"

"Are you leaving?"

"Never."

"Then I can try."

Maura puts her head on Jane's shoulder, humming at how safe she feels, how content. "He knew what to say to get to you," Maura says quietly, and when Jane tenses, she rubs along the brunette's back.

"He was dying, and he'd lost and he wanted to haunt you forever, Jane. He wanted to break you into pieces."

"He could have been right," Jane says, her voice heavy.

Maura shakes her head. "No," she says firmly. "He doesn't know me. And he doesn't know you. Not really."

"But you do."

Maura nods, feeling confident in this fact. "Yes. I do."

Jane shifts against her and sighs, a sigh of contentedness, and maybe of sleepiness. But not of despair.

"Maura?"

"Right here."

"I want to go away with you," Jane says it boldly. Maura smiles. "To some place warm."

Maura nods, "but?"

Jane takes a deep breath that moves them both.

"But I have to do something first."

…

…

"I don't trust you with my kids," Jane's voice is just barely loud enough to be audible, and when Angela processes the words, the hopeful expression she'd worn on her way in the door slides from her face. She opens her mouth to respond, but the therapist holds up her hand.

"Keep going, Jane," she says, and Maura rubs and rubs at the small of Jane's back, hoping that she's adding something in the way of silent comfort.

"I…" Jane struggles for the right words. "I'm scared. No. I'm worried, about what you might say to them in my absence." She presses her palms together, flat, and Maura winces, like she can feel the twinge this causes. "I don't want them to ever think that any of their parents don't love them. I…They will get enough unpleasantness from the world. I don't want them ever to feel like their family won't support them through everything."

Jane stops, and Angela looks at the therapist for permission before speaking. It had been one of rules that she'd had to agree to, in order to be allowed to sit in on this session. She could not interrupt or talk over anyone. She had to wait until her daughter or Maura finished their complete thought before chiming in. She had to stay open minded. She had to try.

"I would support those little girls through anything, Janie," Angela says, and although her voice is thick, Maura thinks she sounds indignant, insulted that her daughter would say such things in public. "I don't understand how you could think that."

Jane closes her eyes for a long second, but when she opens them, she looks determined.

"You didn't support me," she says thickly. "I didn't feel that way."

Angela sighs in a way that tells Maura she doesn't see what any of this has to do with anything. And indeed, the next words out of her mouth are "Janie, sweetheart, that was such a long time ago," she smiles politely at the therapist, and misses the way Jane's hands curl in on themselves.

Maura doesn't miss it, and neither does the therapist.

"I think," she says quietly, smiling back at Angela, "what Jane is trying to say is that the safety of her family is of the utmost importance to her at this time. And she-"

But Angela seems unable to stop herself this time. "I would never hurt my grandchildren," she cries indignantly. "I bring them presents, and play with them in the park. I love watching them develop into little people, and I would never do anything to put them in harm's-"

"I'm not talking about physically, Ma," Jane says suddenly, and Angela falls silent.

"I'm talking about…I'm talking about how I felt growing up. How I felt like I had to be ashamed of who I was and what I wanted. How I had to deliberately leave out pieces of myself so that I could fit in at home." Jane shakes her head, and Maura pushes a little closer to her, wanting to make sure the brunette knows that she is there. "I always felt like…I always felt like if something happened to me, anything, if I got made fun of at school or if I got hit by a car…you and Pop would look at me like 'that's what you deserve.' You guys would see it as…like…my own failings that made that happen to me. And I refuse to let my kids grow up feeling off balance. Feeling like all points of their lives are uncomfortable or…" She hesitates, turning her head towards Maura without looking at her.

Maura half smiles. "Incongruous," she says quietly.

Jane nods, and Maura leans forward to kiss the side of her head. She can't help it. Jane doesn't pull away.

"Yeah," she says thickly, turning back to look at her mother. "Incongruous."

Dead silence.

Maura watches Angela's face carefully, trying to make out what she's thinking. She's ready to intervene should the older woman lash out in any way, but she doesn't look angry. She looks…immensely sad.

"Your father," she begins, but Jane shakes her head, looking tired.

"It wasn't just Pop, Ma. Can you admit that to me?"

Angela hesitates, and every one in the room seems to hold their breath.

"Yes," She says finally. "Yes. I can admit that." She glances at the therapist who nods encouragingly. "I…was terrified of you, Jane." she says quietly, and Jane looks up, confused.

Angela shakes her head, "You were my first born. My baby, and my little girl and you were…so different from anything I'd imagined. You didn't want to wear dresses or play with dolls. You didn't want to snuggle with me or lie still while I read you nursery rhymes. You didn't really want to bake with me if it didn't involve meat pounding."

Jane smiles faintly, and Angela continues, spurred on by the gesture. "You were rough," she says and when Jane looks a little ashamed, she hurries to continue. "You loved me, and your father, I never doubted that at all, but you were rough with your love…you loved us so…_hard_. and I…didn't always know how to receive it. It was so…different."

"I'm…sorry," Jane murmurs, looking down at her lap.

Angela nods, looking bitter. "Right," she says, "so I taught you to do that. To apologize." She sighs heavily and leans back in the armchair, remembering. "I used to tell the people in my prayer group that God broke the mold with you," she says, looking a little embarrassed. "It's a saying, and usually people mean it flatteringly, but I," she stops, waiting for Jane to lift her head, "I used it because I didn't know what else to say about you, honey." There are tears in Angela's eyes. Real, genuine tears, and Jane looks a little caught off guard to see them there. Not asking anything of her, not even forgiveness.

They lapse into silence for a time, and then Angela chuckles making everyone look around at her.

"And then Katherine," she says, "about as feminine as you could get. About as sweet and soft spoken as a house cat. And she seemed to just…_understand_ you, Jane. The way Maura understands you now…the way I never seemed to be able to."

Jane shrugs, "I didn't make it easy."

Angela shrugs too, mirroring her daughter. "It wasn't your job to."

"Ma," Jane rubs the back of her neck gently. "Ma, Maura and I want to go away."

Angela looks horror struck. "Move?" she says, her voice rising. "You two are moving? No! Oh, No, Janie, isn't there anything that I can do to make you stay?"

Jane is shaking her head, saying her mother's name over and over, with a sort of weird smile on her face. Even as Angela dissolves into tears, Maura wonders if this spontaneous show of grief, of despair over her daughter's apparent wish to vanish, is proving something to Jane that words never could.

"Don't go, Janie. I'll change. I'll-"

"Ma. Ma…MA!"  
Angela finally stops long enough for Jane to get a word in edgewise. "I mean we want to go away on like…a vacation. Just the two of us."  
Angela looks at Jane and then Maura, clearly still trying to make sense of this information.

Jane sighs. "And have you look after the girls?" She says hopefully, "Just while we're gone."

Angela's eyes get wide. "You mean…" she begins, but then seems unable to continue as wave after wave of emotion washes over her face.

Maura squeezes Jane's knee. "Read her the thing," she says quietly, and Jane nods, reaching behind her to pick up the old worn red notebook from its place on the couch.

She cracks it open and begins to read, and Maura has to bite her lip to keep from giggling. For all her intelligence and confidence and swagger and bravado, Jane reads her own words like a tentative teenager, nervous and halting.

"February seventeenth, 2014," she says slowly. "Ma used to take me and Frankie to the aquarium and joke about how the penguins were all bad little girls and boys who got changed into penguins as punishment. She even picked one that was our brother, and we would always stay until they got fed to make sure he got some. When we misbehaved at home, Ma would tickle us and tell us that was the spell that would transform us…" Jane pauses, and glances at Maura, who nods, grinning.

Jane takes a breath and looks back down at her paper.

"I…I hope that she can be that kind of grandmother to my kids. Those are my best memories."

Angela is still crying, but she laughs a little too, reaching up to wipe her eyes. "You three loved those penguins," she says.

Jane's smile is the first genuine smile of the session. "We loved that you took us, Ma. Even after Tommy was too old to believe that story."

Angela hiccups with the effort of holding back new tears. "Can I hug you, Janie? Please?" She looks from the therapist, to Maura, and then finally to Jane, like she needs all three of their permissions to hug her daughter. "I'll be gentle. I promise. I just…can I hug you?  
Jane pulls herself gently away from Maura, and pushes herself to her feet. She laughs.

"Come on, Ma," she says, holding out her arms. "You just said it yourself."

She grins as Angela looks confused.

"I love to hard for gentle."

…

They go.

Maura buys them two tickets to Villingili Island in the Maldives, and four days after the therapy session they are on a plane, Jane looking nervous, and Maura trying to comfort her by explaining the mechanics of a 787.

"We shouldn't be going for so long," Jane says, her hands tightening on the armrest as the plane hits a pocket of turbulence. "They're going to think I've abandoned them. Left them with their grandmother for all eternity."

Maura smiles, pulling the hand closest to her into her lap and starting to rub at it. Jane's shoulders relax an inch. "They are ecstatic to be with your mother," Maura says gently, "Did you see Maya's face light up at the prospect of redecorating the guest room? It's like a dream come true."

Jane smiles fleetingly, but her eyes wander down to take in her hand in Maura's, and she frowns.

"What if she loses them at the mall?" She asks, looking up into Maura's face. "She lost Tommy at the mall when he was four. That's right between Maya and Zoe, and you know that the baby likes to wander off after-"

But Maura silences Jane with a kiss, smiling against the brunette's lips when she feels her sigh. "Honey, we're only gone for six days. We'll call them every day, and bring them back every souvenir the gift shop has to offer. They're going to be alright. They're going to bond and come to know their grandmother really well."

Jane makes a noise that sounds like 'harumph.' "My mother-" she begins, but Maura shushes her again.

"People change, Jane,"she says simply, and the detective looks thoughtful, and then satisfied, and then sly.

"You know who else is going to do some bonding…" she asks, leaning towards Maura.

The doctor manages to keep a squeal inside when Jane presses her lips to her neck.

.

The hotel is amazing, and even Maura feels a little awed by the sweeping panoramic view from the window of their suite. She turns from the balcony to call for Jane to come look, but the detective is standing at the foot of their bed, fingering the dress that Maura has laid out for dinner.

"Jane?"

"This dress probably cost more than I make in two months," she says quietly.

Maura blinks at her. "What?"

"This whole trip," Jane says, looking up at her, "I'll never be able to repay you for it. This hotel, flying first class…" she trails off, looking a little panicked, and Maura crosses the room to hold her, confused.

"Where is this coming from?" she asks, pressing her lips against Jane's shoulder. "What just happened?"

"I want to be with you," Jane says, and Maura pulls away to look up into the brunette's eyes, thinking of the disjointed thinking that accompanies brain injuries.

"I want to be with you too," Maura says slowly, "Jane-"

"But I…you make much more money than I do, Maur. Or you…just have more…and how am I supposed to, make it even between us if-"

But Maura pushes Jane back, onto the bed, and then keeps pushing, until the brunette is on her back, looking up at the doctor through wide eyes.

"Honey," Maura says firmly. "Jane. Do you think I care about the money?"

Jane doesn't answer, but her gaze drops from Maura's eyes to her lips slowly.

Maura takes Jane's hands and puts them on her collar, silk and smooth. "Can you grip this?" she asks, and Jane almost bristles, before she looks up into Maura's face and sees that the question was asked without malice.

"Yes."

"Rip it."

Jane's eyes get wider. "What?"

Maura laughs. "Rip it. Pull it apart. Take it off me." Maura laughs again at Jane's astounded look. "It doesn't mean money to me, Jane. All it means to me is one more barrier between my skin and yours. And your skin is all I can think about at the moment."

Jane's expression darkens with lust, and then hardens with concentration as she tightens her grip on the edges of Maura's blouse and pulls outwards, gasping as several little buttons go flying in each direction.

Maura catches her breath, full of admiration and arousal and affection.

"Maura?" The doctor shivers at how low Jane's voice is.

"Mmm?"

"How much do you care about that bra?"

Maura laughs, and Jane pulls her down on top of her, growling.

It's the first time they've really been intimate with each other since Hoyt. And, Maura realizes with a gasp, as Jane's bare legs come in contact with her own, it's the first time ever that they've been completely naked with one another. The first time that their sex is about sex, and not about forgetting, or comforting or fear.

"Oh my God," Jane says, throwing her head back, revealing more skin for Maura to explore, "Oh, my God, Maura. That's so good."

"Mmmhmm," Maura nods, fingers working in time with her mouth, her other hand wrapping around the narrow waist and holding on. Keeping them locked together. "Yes," she murmurs against the hollow of Jane's throat. "Yes, baby. Let me be good to you."

Maura thinks she'll never feel anything more wonderful than Jane coming apart, really coming apart, all around her.

But then Jane rolls them over and looks down at her, grinning, and says, "I can't use my hands, Dr. Isles. I guess I'll have to use something else."

And Maura has to reevaluate her previous theory.

.

Later, still naked, still wrapped around each other, Jane shifts against Maura, bringing their lips together.

"We should get ready for dinner," she murmurs. Maura makes a disgruntled noise.

"Room service would only require us to put on robes for the time it takes to open the door and roll in a cart."

"No fancy dress? No showing you off?"

Maura shuts her eyes at the feeling of Jane's hands in the small of her back. "No fancy dress," she repeats. "No showing you off."

"Maura?"

"Mmmm."

"I want to…be…with you."

Maura opens her eyes to see two deep dark ones looking back at her. "I was under the impression that we were together, Jane."

But the detective shakes her head. "I want…" she struggles, and then refocuses. "I want to be…like partners."

Has anything ever mattered so much before? Ever?

Maura has no control over her facial features. She knows she must look horrified. She knows she must look elated.

"With me?"

Jane nods, looking down. "I can't go halves in money, Maur. But I can make it up in a lot of other ways. And I will always fight for you and…be in your corner…and I'll…" She casts around. "Go shoe shopping with you…Maybe."

Maura laughs, but she is crying so it comes out like a guffaw. Totally unattractive.

Jane looks smitten.

"That sounds…so wonderful," she says, as Jane burrows against her, kissing the tips of her fingers.

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Maura?"

"What is it, sweetness?"

"I'm not hungry yet."  
Maura grins. "Is that so?"

…

Maura stands in the shadows of the curtain, looking at Jane out on the balcony, head tilted back to the clear, starry sky. She'd woken up to find herself alone in bed in the dark, but her momentary panic had been assuaged when she'd spotted the detective on the balcony, staring up at the sky.

She'd gotten out of bed and hurried towards the sliding door, still open a crack, but then something stopped her.

Now, she stands a little ways back, just looking out at Jane. She's dressed in nothing but a tank top and underwear, but she looks beautiful. She looks calm and serene and beautiful, and Maura is just about to join her when she starts to speak to nothing.

"Hey, Katie."

Maura draws back a little further, not wanting to interrupt.

"What a spectacular night. There's so many stars out here. In the city I always forget that the sky could ever look like this…I always forget how big and…quiet everything is." She pauses for a second, and when she speaks again, her voice is lower, and thicker, like she's working not to cry.

"You can see it though, can't you? I know you can. I know he was wrong when he said…" she falters, but picks up almost immediately. "I know he's wrong, and you're up there because you were so good and so smart and…you were my best friend. And you were the best mom. And we were, like, super heroes together. You and me, Katie. We were like super heroes."

Maura wipes at her eyes, but doesn't move. Jane's voice is loud enough that she could hear it if she were awake in bed, and so it doesn't feel like eavesdropping. Maura leans against the wall, listening.

"You would love it here, anyway….Kate, but…I don't…wish you were here." Jane says it firmly, even if her voice drops. "Is that what Maura meant? About letting you go? Not choosing, but letting you go? You would love the waves and the sand and God, you must be loving this view right now…but I'm not aching for you baby. I'm not…drowning anymore."

Jane pauses, and then chuckles, and her laugh is deep and almost carefree. Maura feels her heart jump with affection at the sound. "You would be so exasperated with me, honey, moping and hiding and…talking to ghosts. You would tell me to get my head out of my ass or figure my shit out, or both…more likely. You'd tell me to open my eyes.

"Did you send her to find me, Katie? Did you send her to save us?"

Silence. Just the breeze rustling the grass down by the water and the waves lapping in and falling back. Endless. Maura bites her lip so her crying doesn't make a noise, but Jane must have a sixth sense, because she calls.  
"Maur, I know you are hiding back there. It's okay. Come out."

Maura moves towards Jane, just visible in the light from the sky, and when she gets to where Jane's sitting in the deck chair the brunette pulls her down onto her lap and puts both hands in her hair drawing their foreheads together.

"I love you, Maura," Jane says, and her eyes are the reflection of millions of stars. "I love you so much."

Maura nods, making Jane's head nod too. "I love you too. More than I'd imagined possible."

"I'm gonna go back," she says. "When my hands let me." She searches the doctor's face. "I'm going to go back."

Maura smiles. "I know. I'm going to be there with you. Every step of the way."

Jane closes her eyes for a second, and then, "Maura?"  
"Jane."

"I wanna bring our girls here."

_Our _girls. _Ours_. Maura opens her mouth and finds that no words come out. Jane grins at her, just waiting.

"I…I want that too," Maura manages.

"Say it."

Maura swallows. "I-I want…our girls to see this place too. They would love it."

And Jane kisses her, fast enough that she barely gets the sentence out. And when the kiss ends, too soon for Maura's liking, Jane pulls the doctor's head down onto her shoulder and they look up at the mosaic of stars together. Breathing in and out like one entity.

Jane threads her hands through Maura's hair again, she presses a kiss to her forehead.

"I'm safe," she says quietly as Maura shuts her eyes.

"I'm found."


End file.
